Anonymous Mailbag

I’m at SEC Media Days — I’ll give you my game-by-game predictions for Tennessee, Georgia, Mississippi State and Texas A&M today on Outkick at 4 et — so I apologize for being a bit late with the anonymous mailbag today. I’ve been running around doing radio interviews all morning. 

As always you can send your anonymous mailbag questions to clay.travis@gmail.com

We started to get a ton of ghost stories after my ghost story ran on Monday. So if you have ghost stories, these are perfect for the mailbag. I’ll start with this one. 

Here we go:

“My family runs a trucking company with trucks operating mostly in Alabama, but also in parts of Georgia, Mississippi, and north Florida. One of our truck drivers, who went by the nickname “Spotted Dog,” was driving on a two lane road in Georgia before sunrise. At the last second, a man dressed in a Confederate soldier uniform steps out from the side of the road in front of the truck. There was nothing Spotted Dog could do. He hit the guy, and felt him go under the tires of the truck. He was so shaken up knowing that he’d just killed someone he couldn’t even bring himself to get out of the truck.

The only thing he could think to do was to call my aunt (who handled billing and payroll for the company). After telling my aunt where he was and what had happened, she got on the phone with the county sheriff’s department to let them know about the situation and get some help on the way. After giving the details to the sheriff’s department, the dispatcher told my aunt, “Just tell your driver not to worry about it. That guy gets run over all the time.” Apparently, the sheriff’s department gets calls fairly often about people running over a man dressed as a confederate soldier on this particular road.”

Okay, we need more on this story. 

This is spooky as hell, but could it really happen that often that a Confederate soldier materializes, gets hit by a car, and then the police show up and don’t find anything? So often, in fact, that they don’t even bother responding now?

If so, I need to travel to this location and do an entire story on it. It’s incredible.  

In fact, you guys have written me so many fascinating ghost stories that I almost want to start an Outkick ghost tour where I go stay in famous haunted houses in the South and Periscope/Facebook Live the show from there. 

Are you telling me this wouldn’t be awesome to watch?

Is it time for an Outkick the Ghost Tour? 

“Circa 2006…While a student at Alabama, I had a very grotesque and macabre experience. During a football weekend, I got butt-housed drunk at “The Houndstooth” and managed to go home with a solid “9”. This was back when the bars in Tuscaloosa were open all night. I’m assuming that you are aware that the bar is much different at 5 am versus 2 am. This girl would’ve likely turned me down at the 2 am hour.

Anyways, so I go home with her and we do the deed. She passes out and I’m about to pass out. As soon as I lay down, my insides feel like they are about to explode. I run to the terlet and get my pants down just in time. It was the epitome of a “buzzer beater” or a “photo finish”. With zero prejudice, I decimate her toilet with my chocolate shotgun. It really starts to stink because I had forgotten to turn on the fart fan. After I give myself a “courtesy flush”, I notice the toilet is making a funny noise. Well, the toilet backs up and starts to overflow. I jump off the toilet and vacate the bathroom. There seems to be an endless supply of diarrhea water coming out. There was some solid doodoos mixed in as well. I then retreated out into the hall as the diarrhea water starts to accumulate in the bathroom floor. Then, the water starts spilling into the hallway and I see a floating doodoo exit the bathroom and it hangs a 90 degree turn straight toward her bedroom. It was at this time I disappear into the night.

Clay, did I do the right thing? And to the girl that this happened to…I’m sorry. It was not done intentionally.”

First, this poor girl. She already hooked up with some random dude she met at the bar and then he abandons her with his poop flooding her apartment. 

This is the worst one night stand ever. 

Having said that, I think you had to stay and attempt to clean it up. Yes, its an awkward conversation in the morning when you both wake up, but you can’t bail there. 

Also, yes, you did do this intentionally. You intentionally fled her apartment. Of course, she knows that you didn’t intentionally flood her apartment with poop. Not even an ISIS member would do that. 

(By the way, I’m praying that the girl this happened to is reading the mailbag because I would love to hear her side of the story. I’d also like to have you both on Outkick to hash out your encounter that went horribly awry back in 2006. It’s time to heal.)

“My wife and I recently found out we’ll be having our second child early next year. For a little background our daughter is 18 months old and my wife had a miscarriage earlier this year. After waiting a little while to try again she got pregnant and we just had the first ultrasound and all is well. We are both relieved and pray all goes well.

Now here is the problem…We are going on a family vacation to Gulf Shores. Before we could even tell her doctor about our trip she told us to avoid travel there due to potential Zika virus. Shit. We haven’t been on a real vacation in 2+ years and don’t want to miss out on this trip. As a bonus my parents are paying. My wife and I were both surprised at her OB’s reaction as she is usually laid back on many things. The OB has truly scared the crap out of my wife.

There has not been a single case of Zika contracted in the US which adds to our confusion on the OB’s stance. We have some friends who are pregnant and all their OBs said to wear bug spray, jacket/pants, etc. No other doctors said not to go. As a note we live in the Midwest so maybe the doctors are hair being overly cautious.

So what do we do/how do we make such a decision about going on this trip? I’m sure we can’t be the only people with such a dilemma. Very few people know my wife is pregnant so please keep this anonymous. Thanks for you’re gay Muslim advice.”

I think your doctor is overreacting. I’d take the trip to Gulf Shores. Now I’m not sure I’d tell her I was taking the trip — do you really want to spurn your doctor’s advice like that? — but I’d go. 

I was just on the gulf for two weeks and I saw a ton of pregnant women there. I’m also fairly confident that there are a ton of kids conceived every year on drunken beach trips, including this summer. (The Florabama alone produces 28% of all illegitimate children born in the South). I suspect if you were in the South your doctor wouldn’t give you the advice not to go to the beach. I mean, there are millions of people who live within an hour of the beach down here.

What are they supposed to do if they’re contemplating having children, move?

I wouldn’t take a trip to Brazil or even, potentially, the Caribbean, if my wife were pregnant, but have fun in Gulf Shores. 

And congrats on baby number two. 

“Clay: we need your perspective on a couple of issues we were discussing. My wife (a smoking hot 9+)  and I (average average average – totally outkicked it) have just returned from a Swingers convention. A fantastic time was had by all – parties with naked people dancing on stages and bars at clubs by day, naked pool parties by night. Sexy dresses (or less) everywhere. Every body type and ethnicity you can imagine. Talk about diversity and inclusivity. If you are polite and friendly the world could be your oyster!

So, our questions. First, why aren’t more people doing this? And second, why don’t more recently divorced or single women participate in this? They are known as unicorns and do exist, but are few and far between (single men are not allowed at this convention but do go to some swingers clubs or functions). It would seem this would be a great way to have some non-commitment fun!”

Single women don’t go to swinger conventions because they don’t have any issue having sex. Again, the appropriate analogy here is that typically women treat sex like a targeted drone strike, whereas men just take a machine gun and spray bullets everywhere. 

That is, women are more calculated in their mating decisions. They don’t have to work hard to have sex, it’s easy for them. So they don’t need to take a trip to a swingers convention to have no strings attached sex, they can just go to any bar in America and do it instead.  

As for why more married people don’t swing, I suspect it’s jealousy. Many couples don’t know how they’d react to seeing their partner with someone else. Couple that with nervousness about what kind of people are going to attend your event and a general fear of losing your privacy. It seems like everything goes public these days, I think many people would be embarrassed if details of their sex life got out.  

Personally, I’d only want to swing if really good looking women were there. I want to go to an “Eyes Wide Shut” style party, but I tend to think most swingers aren’t that good looking. So I’m guessing if I showed up at a swinger event I’d see a ton of naked people that I didn’t want to see naked. And that doesn’t have much appeal to me.  

Congrats to you though on the Outkick and on having a fun wife, that sounds like a lot of fun. 

“I’m a male in my late 20s. I’m a Villanova grad and my wife is a UNC grad. For the NCAA championship game we took a doozy of a bet. 

Background info: my wife is repulsed by the thought of and the smell of poop. I get lectured every time I drop a stinker in the pot. Even when I use febreeze it’s still not good enough for her. It has gotten to the point where I don’t even want to take dumps in our apartment anymore because of the backlash I know I will get (24 hours of no sex). Also, I have lost insane bets to her before, like having to drive 10 hours round trip by myself to pick her sister up at an airport (don’t ask), etc. 

So, she was one cocky SOB before my Nova Wildcats squared off against her beloved Tarheels. We were thinking of a wager, and finally I had come up with one. To get her to stop whining about my dumps and to just get used to it, I proposed that if Nova won, I would get to Cleveland Steamer her (look it up on urban dictionary). She somehow agreed, but the stakes were incredibly high for me if I lost as well. Needless to say I was nervous as hell at the end of that game. So fast forward 3 months, and neither of us had mentioned the bet. I don’t think either of us wants to bring it up. “Umm hey hunny, remember that bet where I’m going to Cleveland steamer you? Let’s make even on the bet tonight.” Totally awkward conversation, but a bet’s a bet, right? What’s my play here?”

I don’t understand why couples bet things that neither really want to do. For instance, if you find it arousing to poop on someone — and your partners okay with it — go for it. We don’t judge consenting adults in the mailbag, do what makes you happey.

But it doesn’t sound like this bet is going to lead to an enjoyable experience for either of you. 

If I were you I’d just bring the bet up and say, “That NCAA tourney bet was pretty dumb. But how about instead of me pooping on you you agree to not freak out when I poop in the house?”

Because am I the only person here who thinks the poop is a stand in for other issues? Your wife is using the poop to project her disgust with you into public. Now all wives pretty much think their husbands are disgusting brutes on a certain level — because we are — but this seems way more than that. No sex for pooping? Really?

Can you not just have a bathroom where you’re allowed to poop in peace? Upstairs or as far from her as possible. If she really won’t sleep with you for 24 hours after you poop, how in the world is she going to ever change a diaper when you have kids? Trust me, that’s a pretty disgusting experience.

Your wife may have some issues that she needs to get resolved here and maybe pooping on her is the best way to cure her of that fear? I have no idea.

Good luck.   

“I’m a 28 yo male and happily engaged to my dream woman. A few weeks ago I had a wet dream that I was hooking up with a co-worker that I haven’t seen in 5+ years and woke up with my sheets wet and sticky, my first wet dream since I was 14 and dreaming about Amanda Bynes (unlike ezekial 23:20, the emission was very, very, little, but emission nonetheless) the question is, do I speak up to my fiance? The obvious answer I think is no, and just continue with my life.

What if I told you that the co-worker in my dream was a man?

I was violently banging this dude in the ass. It was not loving sex, it was brutal. I’m not gay, but this dream makes me think that it’s possible that I’m bi. But I have a theory that would keep me straight. I’ve always hated this dude, and he once told me that I would never amount to anything bigger than sitting in a cube and inputting data all day. I recently received a big promotion that has maybe given me too much arrogance. Maybe this dream was my subconscious getting over this dude and proving that I am better than him.

Regardless, I’m going back to my original question. Do I tell me fiance about this dream? It seems like a pretty big secret to keep before a lifetime of honesty. But, I think most women would freak out if they found out their fiance had a wet dream while dreaming about fucking a dude in the ass.”

Whew, I feel like I need a double PhD in psychiatry and sexual relations to handle this question.

So here we go. 

I suspect that most straight guys have not had wet dreams about having sex with members of the same sex. But I’m sure that many straight guys have had these kinds of dreams. Percentage wise? I have no idea. Because most would never admit to them. But this dream doesn’t necessarily mean you’re bisexual.

Let me explain why I think that is.  

Dreams aren’t necessarily the best place to analyze sexuality since all sorts of things happen in dreams that aren’t reflective of who we are in real life. For instance, I bet most people reading this have had a dream where they have murdered someone or been accused of murdering someone and being pursued by the police. And if it wasn’t murder, it was a crime of some sort. Everyone knows that feeling, where you can’t wait to wake up because you’re caught in an awful dream and someone is chasing you for something that you can’t believe you have done.

When you wake up do you think that you’re a murderer or a bank robber or a money embezzler or whatever transgression you’ve dreamed that you did? Generally no, right?

I think it’s the same with a sex dream.

The question you have to answer is this — are you attracted to men sexually? I feel like you know this, you don’t need a dream to tell you what you like. Have you ever looked at gay porn? Are you attracted to other men? Have you ever found yourself watching a group sex porn where two guys are hooking up with two girls and then, inexplicably, start touching one another? If so, did you immediately x out and dry heave in front of your bathroom mirror or did you keep watching?

Basically, I think you know whether you are bisexual or not. If you are bisexual then you need to tell your girlfriend. If you don’t believe you’re bisexual and think this dream was an aberration of your subconscious mind, then don’t tell your girlfriend about it. 

You aren’t obligated to confess all your dreams — or even all your thoughts — to your partner. 

The fact that you are considering telling your girlfriend makes me think you believe you’re bisexual. That’s totally fine and there’s nothing wrong with you for being this way, but I think that’s a conversation you need to have with your fiance.

Good luck.

…

The anonymous mailbag runs every Tuesday. Send your mailbag questions to clay.travis@gmail.com 

Anonymity guaranteed.