Anonymous Mailbag

Charlotte McKinney, Kliff Kingsbury

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag. 

As always, email your questions to clay.travis@gmail.com:

“I know you’ve discussed porn before but I think I may have taken things too far. Two weekends ago I attended a Catholic Marriage Retreat in order to get married at my wife’s catholic church (I’m southern Baptist). When preparing for this I had the option to share a room with another guy or pay $30 more to get a room by myself. We’re living together and shes always home before me and I always leave before her. I’ve had to go to a gas station during my work lunch hour to their one person bathrooms before just to watch porn.

So in my mind $30 was worth it to be alone and have a little fun by myself. We check in Friday, I watch porn that night, then the first session Saturday is about Sexual Honesty before marriage. She tells me to be 100% honest about past sexual experiences and the only thing I think to tell her is “Last night I watched porn.” She’s threatening to call off the wedding now. She says it’s degrading to women and that only freaks watch porn. She says I have to see counseling or else we won’t get married. What do I do here? I love her but I’m a guy. Counseling is hard to stomach, especially for something I don’t see as wrong. Also look at this picture. I definitely outkicked my coverage!”

First, I would pay $300 not to have to share a room with a strange dude at at a Catholic marriage retreat. Why did you have to stay overnight here? I would have drawn the line at this idea unless there was an “Eyes Wide Shut” dinner party. 

Anyway, you know how sometimes you can find yourself in a position that is absurdly ludicrous, but the decisions you’ve made to get there aren’t that insane so it seems rational to you to end up there? But when other people hear about it they think you’re crazy? 

That’s what most people feel like when they hear you had to go to a gas station bathroom to look at porn.

To you it makes sense, to everyone else it sounds insane. 

You have a good looking fiancee, but she’s absurdly controlling. That’s not a good mix. I mean, it’s better to have a good looking absurdly controlling wife than an ugly, absurdly controlling wife, but it’s not that much better. Either way your marriage is going to suck. 

If she really thinks that only freaks watch porn then I think she needs the counseling, not you.

Also, what the hell do you say at porn counseling? Does the porn counselor tell you never to jerk off again? Or does he instruct you what you can think about while you jerk off? Because if you stop watching porn you’re still thinking about porn-like events to jerk off to, right? So it seems like this is tantamount to a war against jerking off. (Also, there is a 100% chance that the religious dude you are going to jerk off counseling with jerks off to porn even more than you do. He may even jerk off to getting to talk to other dudes about what they jerk off to. What a total hypocrite this guy is.)    

So I’d sit my fiancee down and say this, “Look, I jerk off while looking at porn. So does every man under 40 you’ve ever met in your entire life. Including whatever dude you want me to go to counseling with. If this is an issue for you, you need to find a guy who is going to lie to you about this. Because I’m not going to lie about this and I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong.”

Further, think about how ridiculous this will look if she calls off the wedding for this reason. You didn’t cheat or admit you’re a drug dealer or get arrested for multiple felonies: you jerked off to porn. What’s more, you were completely honest about jerking off to porn. This is literally the tamest — and lamest — sexual confession I have ever heard in my life. 

What was her sex confession? That one time when she was 16 she tried on a two piece bathing suit?

Seriously, you have to fight this battle now. Otherwise the rest of your life is going to be awful. 

(One suggestion: offer to watch porn with her, she may like it. If it’s something you share together she’s much less likely to be threatened by it. If she agrees to watch it with you, go with something tamer than you usually jerk off too. It’s not the time to break out the gang bang videos.) 

“So the other day I was working out at the local YMCA. There’s a really hot woman that works out at the same time I do. We’ve talked a few times just about random stuff, typical conversation. Reminder, she’s super hot.

Anyways I go to do the last set of my bench press, and she’s standing directly across from me maybe 10 feet away. The weight comes down and begin to lift it, and let out a huge, incredibly audible fart. I giggled a little bit, because it’s funny. Then I sat up, and realized there was more to it. I actually sharted.

So, she already knows I farted. By the way that I waddled to the bathroom, I’m sure she knew something was up. I sat in the bathroom, cleaned up, and contemplated on whether or not I should even go back out there. I nutted up, and walked out of there, because dammit, I’m a man. She looked at me and said “Wow! You’re lucky you didn’t shit yourself!” Little does she know…

My question is, did I make the right play call? Should I have just went home instead and hope she forgot? Nothing will ever come of our “relationship” so I think I made the right move here. Just want to hear your thoughts on this one.”

Four things here:

1. You had to go back out. No way to run and hide and show your face to her again.  

2. She knows you shit yourself and her line was clearly delivered sarcastically.

3. In order for her to be willing to date you, you probably have to perform CPR on a kid having a seizure.

And save his life.

At the Y. 

While she’s there working out. 

4. You can really go hail mary here and next time you see her say: “So you ever been out to dinner with a guy who shit himself while bench pressing at the Y? Because, if not, it’s your lucky day.” 

That’s so incredibly funny and honest I think she might be obligated to date you. And, by the way, if you ever see her out at a bar — even if you aren’t willing to use it at the Y — you have to use this line on her. 

“Over the last few months I have basically worked out a deal with my wife where I can golf weekly. I promptly arise out of bed at 6:00AM on Saturday and go to the course. I play 9 holes, and am back by 8:15, before our kids wake up. I figure this is fair as I don’t miss on helping out with the kids on the weekend.

However, my wife has started using this as a way to guilt me to go on “Family Hikes.” I hate these things! We live on the coast and half of these are through sand and it sucks. But that’s not the worst. My oldest child cannot last the whole hike without having a meltdown, these usually range between 2-5 miles and my child has a range of 1.5 miles. To make matters worse, we can’t simply put her in our dual stroller, as the oldest will hit, kick and claw our 5 month old.

The outcome? I carry our screaming child 1.5-2.5 miles as she flails, kicks and causes a scene. I hate this and don’t want to continue. So here are my choices.
1) Offer to stay home with the kid, can’t stay home with the 5 month old as they are still nursing
2) Forfeit my golf saturdays, no longer being guilted into going.
3) Say I don’t want to go on these hikes and risk pissing the wife off.”

Maybe I’m a total idiot, but why can’t you just go on shorter hikes?

If you know your oldest is going to melt down — neither of my kids could walk more than 250 yards when they were young before they demanded I carry them so I feel your pain — then only go on short hikes. If your wife wants to continue for a longer hike take two cars, time it for the youngest’s nap time, and you can take both kids back to the house, put the baby to sleep, and put on a movie for the oldest.  

Bang, perfect dadding there.

Plus, your wife gets a family hike plus a solo hike of her own — which is much more preferable than the kids freaking out for half the hike. What does this mean? She’s likely to gratitude bang you. 

Double bang!

Think about it: you get to continue to golf, your wife gets her hike, neither of you wants to kill the kids, and you have increased your sex odds.

It’s a perfect storm of marital advice.  

(Seriously, I should open Outkick the Marriage and do marital counseling on the side). 

“I recently got back home from a trip to Thailand/Japan, thankfully no snakes bit my dick off. On my 12 hour flight home, a 16 or 17 year old Japanese boy sat between me and an elderly Asian woman. He was dressed in a suit, and he was small, so I assumed it would be a good flight since I take up a lot of room (6’3″ in economy class is never fun). Shortly into the flight, he stuck his hand down his pants, I stared at him in the face in disbelief and he eventually pulled his hand out. A little while later, he began to rub himself through his pants and I could see his little erection poking up. He was watching a Japanese movie that had a teenage girl doing things (not naked). Utterly dumbfounded, I again stared him in the face until he stopped. Periodically, he would start back and I’d look at him and shake my head so he eventually stopped after 3 or 4 iterations. This is by far the most bizarre thing I’ve ever experienced on a flight. What is the right thing to do in this situation?”

Did you stay awake the entire 12 hours? Because if not that kid was treating his body like a playground the moment you nodded off.

I think you handled this as well as possible. The stern stare and disapproving shake of the head made him aware he was behaving inappropriately. But what happens if this dude is between two women and they’re scared to say something? We got a question from a girl about this once in the anonymous mailbag and she said they moved her to a new seat. But what if the flight is full? And isn’t this airplane victim shaming? Why should you have to move seats because some dude is jerking off beside you?

Moreover, if it’s a full flight and someone is jerking off beside you throughout a long flight and refuses to stop, what can the airline do? Do they ground the plane and have the dude arrested? Can they tie him up to keep him from jerking off? Does the pilot have to get on air traffic control and say, “Yeah, we’ve got an aggressive public jerk off going on. Guy’s an animal, can’t stop, won’t stop, we’re going to have to reroute.”

There have to be tons of pilots reading the mailbag right now, what happens here? And what are the most insane reasons you’ve had to reroute a flight for?

I need these stories like I need oxygen. 

“I’m making the leap and moving in with my girlfriend in a month. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I still have a secret stash of all nude pics sent to me by my ex-girlfriends on a thumbnail drive and hidden on an old laptop. I rarely look at them but I guess it’s hard for me to fully let go of the past. Is it unethical to bring these items with me or am I required to delete them ASAP? What about if I just bring them but don’t look at them? Should I have already deleted them? For what it’s worth I’m pretty positive that current girlfriend will never find them but I’m sure you will say I’m wrong.”

The ethical thing is probably to delete these pictures, but I don’t think many men are willing or able to do this. Plus, do you know how much work you put in to get these nude photos? This is your life’s work here, you should be proud of it. Did they ask Michelangelo to paint over the Sistine Chapel when he got married?

Of course not. 

Just know that no matter who you marry or move in with — it could be Charlotte McKinney — you’re never going to be able to resist going back to look at these pictures. 

So keep them, but if your current girlfriend finds them you have to claim you had no idea you still had them. So you better get your story set already and hide this thing well. (Also, if your current girlfriend is finding random thumbnail drives and searching them, is she in the CIA? Who just checks a random thumbnail drive to see what’s on it?)

“Last night, I was watching Game 7 with my girlfriend. I am by no means an NBA fan, but I am an avid sports fan. We had watched the entire game, but then with 4 minutes to go in the game, she became “bored.” She wanted to mess around. FOUR MINUTES FROM POSSIBLE SPORTS HISTORY. I asked her if we could possibly wait until after the game ended. She gave me the classic “maybe” response.

So the game ends, Cleveland wins, LeBron cries. I try and lean in for a kiss and she denies me and says she is over it now.

Did I commit a cardinal sin by not hooking up with her? Or was she insane for wanting to mess around at the end of a historic game?”

This wasn’t about her wanting to mess around — this was about her testing whether you liked sports more than her. 

And the answer is — you don’t like all sports more than her, but you do like Game 7’s more than her.

Now she knows that. And that’s why she was pissed at you and not in the modd once the game was over. 

You made the right call here, eventually she’ll sleep with you again. But you can’t go back in time and see that LeBron James block live.

(Also, it’s easy to Monday morning quarterback here, but you could have just paused the game with your DVR, had sex, and then come back and watched the final four minutes of the game.)  

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to clay.travis@gmail.com

Anonymity assured. 

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.