Anonymous Mailbag

I’m rushing through the mailbag this morning because we’re going to have a special Outkick the Show at noon eastern with Pete Rose. 

It should be pretty outstanding so come watch us on Periscope or Facebook live. 

So here we go with the anonymous mailbag. 

“My buddies and I were recently discussing a trip to Brazil for the Olympics, we all spent a few years down there and would love to go back. We ended up discussing Bruce Jenner.

This led us to discussing when someone is going to pull a Bruce Jenner and go Caitlin in their prime? We did some research, and about 10 high school athletes broke the women gold medal time. So we started debating this: how long will it be until a fringe Olympic athlete realizes he has no shot on the men’s team and converts to team women in hopes of obtaining Olympic Gold?

Really, given today’s society this is a win for whoever does this. You put in some fake boobs, grow your hair out and say you’re a girl and no one questions you. You go set the Women world record for the mile run, make the Olympic team, win Gold, make your millions through endorsements because corporations will eat this shit up, win ESPN female athlete of the year…. and after a few years of reaping the rewards….. have a change of heart and switch back to being a man.

I believe this can and will eventually happen…. buddies don’t believe it will…. What say you?”

They actually sex test your body’s biochemistry at the Olympics and you have to qualify as a member of your sex to represent your gender. So this is impossible to do in the Olympics. But it’s happening in high schools. A guy who identifies as a girl kicked ass in the girl’s state track meet in Alaska.

So what would stop five dudes who aren’t good enough to play men’s basketball from, say, identifying as girls and winning the Alaskan women’s high school state championship? Basically, how much identifying as a girl do you have to do to qualify to compete as a woman in high school today? Who decides whether your gender switch is valid or purely for competitive purposes?

Honestly, couldn’t you see a country like North Korea entering an entire team of dudes who identify as women in World Cup competition? How would the PC bromanis react, isn’t it offensive to question someone’s gender identity? So do they have to endorse men kicking women’s asses in women’s sports now or do they call bullshit on gender switching? 

Men trying to pass as women became such an issue in the Olympics that they started doing hormonal testing in 1966. There was suspicion that some of the top women athletes from Russia and Eastern Europe were actually dudes. Such a communist move here. 

Amazingly, there are lots of men who have already won gold medals in women’s sports.

So it can’t happen in the Olympics today, but do colleges have their own policies? Certainly most high schools don’t. So will we start to see men winning all the women’s sports?

Can men identifying as women get women’s scholarships now? Do men who identify as women count as women under Title IX?

What a total mess this is.  

“Dear Clay,

My wife and I have been married for about 10 years, have 2 children, and a regular once-maybe-twice a week conservative (no freaky stuff) sex life. Last night my wife and I went to a Broadway musical about an hour and a half away from home. It was around 11pm with no cars on the interstate and I got, what I would call, a unicorn wrapped in a national championship of my favorite team: a blow job while driving home. Where would you rank the blow job while driving home on the sexual fantasy list of married men rankings?

PS – She also said if I go to more musicals, I’d get the same treatment. Needless to say, I’m buying a Season Pass to the theater.”

If my wife gave me a blow job driving home from musicals, I’d actually start to like musicals. Do you think you would have still gotten the blow job if you didn’t have to drive that far for it too, or was it just the musical? 

Right now I hate the damn things with a passion — JUST TELL THE STORY STOP SINGING AND DANCING WHILE YOU DO IT. 

By the way, do you still get the blow job if you fall asleep during the musical? Because other than with “The Book of Mormon” this always happens to me. (Seriously, go see “The Book of Mormon,” if you haven’t already.) 

“I’ve started watching The Americans, based on your recommendation, and it’s amazing. My question is based around the show.

I hate running on the treadmill, but it’s a necessary evil. So, I need something to take my mind off the monotony of running on a belt. I stream tv shows to do this and right now it’s The Americans. It keeps my attention very well and Keri Russell is an absolute smoke show.

When I run in the mornings at the gym there are usually 13/15 treadmills open and I go far away from any of the others that are running, boot up my iPad (earbuds in) and am on my merry way. Recently there have been random people coming in and posting up right beside me as I run. As you are well aware, there’s nudity a lot on the show. My question… Should I skip through the fucking when people are running beside me and there are other treadmills available or do I just keep on watching and not worry about it?”

Great question.

This could apply for a bunch of shows — say you’re catching up on “Game of Thrones,” for instance — in many locations other than the gym.

That is, what’s the protocol when it comes to nudity on a show you’re watching and you’re on an airplane? I think as long as there isn’t a kid around you, you just watch the show normally, with your hands placed clearly above your waist. You don’t want to look like you’re jerking off.

 

Reasonable people can tell the difference between shows that might feature sex or nudity and porn. You absolutely, positively can not stream porn, for instance, on an airplane. That’s a deviant, psycho move. 

Also, GOT is a great example to use here. Sometimes sex rapidly changes to death or combat on GOT. So if you start fast forwarding any time there’s nudity or a sex scene you may miss an important plot element or, even worse, have to rewind back to the beginning of the sex scene to see what happened. Then you really look like a deviant. “Look at that jogger watching the “Game of Thrones” whorehouse scene on constant repeat.

Good luck.  

“Clay,

My fiance and I just recently bought a house and we’re planning for our wedding. We’ve had a lot going on, with moving, meeting with friends/family about the wedding, and her being out of town for work, etc, and I’ve slowly begun to realize that she’s using things I want against me.

She bribes me with sex. And then doesn’t pay up.

And I continue to fall for it. Over and over and over again.

I wanted to move my weight bench from my old place into my new man cave at the house (she calls it “the family room”) and I was told if I don’t bring that “piece of garbage” to the new house, and we just get a gym membership instead (closest gym is 15 minutes away), then she would give me a blowjob every day that she is home for the entire month of June.

I haven’t gotten a single blowjob.

It’s turned into simple stuff. Like if you’ll help me put this together now, I guarantee you’ll get lucky tonight. And then she’ll fall asleep on the couch watching some crime show.

How do I reverse course and quit falling for the same thing over and over? We have sex about two or three times a week, so I feel like I’m doing better than a lot of the poor saps that write in… but how can I tell when she’s bluffing and just using my primal needs against me?”

“She calls it the family room,” would be a great title for a book about men getting married. 

Women use sex all the time to bribe us to do things. It’s important for you to remember, as a man about to be married, sex is not and has never been free. 

The next time this happens, I think you need to say, “Okay, but I’m going to need you to put this into writing, first.”

Go get a piece of paper and write up a simple contract, then put signature pages at the bottom, go ahead and sign it yourself and request that she sign as well. If she refuses to sign say that you can’t agree to a sexual contract without it being put in writing. Then cite her prior sexual contract breaches. 

If she signs it keep the contract by the bed. Every time she refuses to keep up her end of the bargain write down the date at the bottom. This way the next time she attempts to use sex to get you to change your behavior, you can cite the record of her prior contract breaches and tell her you’re not falling for this again.  

This may upset her, but it’s important that you set some relationship parameters, you cannot be purchased with sex. (Even though you can.)

Just note, it’s a total game changer if she starts going with on the spot sex offers to take advantage of how dumb men are when it comes to rejecting sex that could happen RIGHT NOW. I.e., if she says, “I will blow you right now if you give up that weight bench,” you are probably going to give up the weight bench.

The lesson: Men make really bad bargains when our dick is involved.

Fun bar debate: if alcohol is never invented, what’s the world population right now? In other words, how many people are alive today that wouldn’t be alive without alcohol existing.

I think the population is 1/4th what it is today without alcohol. 

“I have a female co-worker who absolutely can’t stand one of our male co-workers. She’s been trying to ignore him for months and he doesn’t get the hint, and is constantly going in her office to talk to her about Game of Thrones (which is pointless – she falls asleep in most episodes anyway) or any various subject. She’s been complaining to the rest of us for a while but we just think it’s funny.

Anyway, we have an event last week at a minor league baseball game. Everyone had a few beers and they get put on the kiss cam. She gets flustered and they kiss (She has a boyfriend who still doesn’t know about this btw).

Long story short, as you can imagine, he’s in her office now more than ever. I directed her to your mailbag for help and she didn’t seem interested in submitting a question. So here I am typing this for her (he’s in her office right now actually). So, on behalf of her, what’s your advice here?”

What was the kiss like on the kiss cam? Was it a peck on the lips or was it a full-fledged kiss? Because I think that matters on how she can rationalize it to her boyfriend. “Sure, I kissed another guy in front of thousands of people, but it was because I thought I had to, the kiss cam basically kiss-shamed me into it.”

I’m not sure I’m buying it if I’m the boyfriend, but at least it’s a defense. (It also matters what the guy looks like. The uglier he is, the less of a threat it is. The same is true only multiply it by a thousand if a guy with a girlfriend kisses another girl on the kiss cam. Can you imagine if you got caught doing this? The girl better weigh 350 and have a mustache.)

Either way, this was not the appropriate path to take to tell the guy she wasn’t interested in him. If you kiss somebody in public you have at least some interest in him.

Some guys, and it’s not a small percentage, have no shame when it comes to chasing girls. They execute the full court press when it comes to girls they like. They have no other game plan, just forty minutes of pure hell any time a girl is nearby. Generally speaking that game plan doesn’t work — and looks pathetic — but it works just enough to keep them employing the method. Plenty of women out there, if pursued long enough, end up turning over the ball and hooking up with the full court pressers. (In fact, lots of girls are reading this right now know exactly what I’m talking about. You’ve all hooked up with a dude because he was there at the right time with his full court pressure.) 

The reason why this guy is executing the full court press is because he’s seeing results. She just kissed him on the kiss cam for god’s sake. From his perspective how much more interest can you she show? THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE SAW HER KISS HIM. I think that despite the fact that she’s complaining this girl actually likes the attention. She needs to either shoot him down once and for all, or stop complaining. 

“I’m graduating soon and starting to think about my future relationship with porn. Like a lot of companies, the company that I will likely be working for issues an iPhone to each new employee. My concern is that, with advanced monitoring technology, and an increase in overall PC attitudes across the country, do I worry about watching porn on a company issued device? What about pop-up ads? It’s not my fault if an ad for teenage porn pops up, but should I be worried about it signaling a red flag to the company?”

You can’t watch porn on your company issued device. You need a work phone and a real phone. Just trust me on this.

It’s not just company issued phones either, what about using your phone, but their wifi? I’ll give you an example, I use the Fox wifi when I’m at work on the lot, but the hotel I stay at is right next door. So if I get a room that overlooks the Fox TV lot sometimes the wifi will flip from the hotel wifi to the TV lot wifi. 

And if this has happened to me, it has to happen all the time with this hotel wifi.

I keep waiting to hear that the Fox tech guys walked into a room, slammed down the wifi records at a company wide meeting and said, “OKAY, WHO HAS BEEN LOOKING AT PORNHUB EVERY DAY AT WORK! BECAUSE IT’S RIGHT HERE ON OUR LOGS!”

And then I have to confess that it’s me, but I was in the hotel next door. 

Side note: what percentage of men ages 18 to 45 do you think look at porn when they’re in a hotel room by themselves? I think it’s like 90%. The jerk off rate in hotel rooms is just off the charts. That’s why you should have to wear gloves to use the TV remote. (The same is true with the sex rate for couples who are staying in a room without kids. You have at least three times the sex in a hotel room as you would in your house. That’s just basic science.) Remember, the single most profitable part of the Marriott hotel chain used to be adult movies. And now adult movies are free and unlimited on the Internet wifi.  

Anyway, get your own phone. 

“Clay,

I watched and “lol’d” heavily as you berated several PC Bromani couples who decided to have joint bachelor/bachelorette parties. With that said, a bunch of my buddies could soon be on the wrong end of the same situation. And, frankly, fuck that noise.

Our plans have stalled. I tried to book a weekend in Vegas, and guys decided to speak up after the fact and decided that it was too expensive. We have tried several other destinations, but nothing has come to fruition.

Today our (now fallen) pledge brother who suggested that we could take a group cruise with the bridesmaids. Did his fiancé put him up to this? Is there any saving him? I know it’s only been mentioned in passing, but how quickly can these plans evolve? How prepared for battle do I need to be here?

My ultimate question is how do I take Vegas back and make bachelor parties great again? The fact that this suggestion was even presented is beyond comprehension.”

How is a cruise cheaper than Vegas?

That’s total bullshit on its face. 

Let me just say this right now, what are you guys in your twenties saving money for? Retirement? You will be working for the next forty years of your life. Your generation might never be able to retire.

Do you know how boring your life is going to be when you’re in your fifties and sixties? Even if you have money then do you know what you’ll be doing? Going on goddamn cruises with your 65 year old wife. 

Take it from me, you have plenty of time to save money when you are old and boring like me. You should be living it up in your twenties. I’m not saying don’t save any money at all, but I am saying if you’re in your twenties and you don’t go to Vegas with your buddies because it costs too much you are already a failure at life.

Get control of your life and stop being such a pussy.

…

The anonymous mailbag runs every Tuesday on Outkick, send your questions to clay.travis@gmail.com