Anonymous Mailbag

Charlotte McKinney, Kliff Kingsbury

It’s Tuesday and the anonymous mailbag is back. 

As always send your questions to clay.travis@gmail.com and I guarantee anonymity. 

The first email is going to blow your mind. 

Here we go:

“Dear Gay Muslim,

I am a devoted female reader, and I’ve noticed how the past two anonymous mailbags in a row, you have commented about “CRA-ZY” bachelorette parties and how they can’t compare in fun and vice to bachelor parties. Purely in the interest of Truth, I feel the need to set the record straight and disclose to you the events of a bachelorette party I attended recently. Please keep me anonymous because I’m pretty sure writing about it breaks Girl Code, and the law. This is going to sound completely made-up, but I swear on my LIFE and your precious Koran that the content below is entirely truthful.

The bachelorette was a former college roommate of mine, and we were all shocked that she was actually getting married to a dude, and even at all really, because the last time I saw her, she was in a pretty intense experimental phase (miss you, college!). As a last hurrah to her wild lesbian days, we booked her a lady stripper. An amateur lady stripper, not associated with an agency. The night of the party arrives, and we pass around the tequila shots. Everyone is very liquored up by the time the stripper arrives.

Then it gets weird.

The bride’s eyes light up like Christmas when the stripper’s clothes start coming off, and before long, she strips off all her clothes, too. Well, it’s her party, right, so we all decide we better join her. Somewhere in the middle of this group of girls dancing nude and taking tequila body shots off one another, the host (a dude), brought out some coke and we preceded to snort lines off the stripper’s naked body. Next thing I know, there is a writhing mass of women on the living room floor performing oral sex on each other. I am not kidding, it might have been the most cunnilingus occurring in one place at one time EVER. (Note: we are all straight, and most of us have boyfriends.) This goes on for quite some time before the tequila dried up and everyone passed out. Except for the host and the stripper- he gave her another $200 for sex.

We got brunch and mimosas the next morning, recounted the night’s debauchery, and haven’t spoken about it since.

I know this isn’t what every bachelorette party is like- I’ve been to my share with “kiss the pecker” games and gummy penis rings- but does this at least change your mind a bit about those lame bachelorette parties?”

Holy hell. 

All of your jaws have hit the floor and many of you are thinking — there’s no way this is true. It’s too good to be true.  

That’s why my immediate response to the emailer was this:

“This is going to be the most popular anonymous mailbag piece yet.

It’s going to be so popular no one will believe it’s real.”

Our emailer responds to me: “Oh, it’s real. I almost didn’t send it in because I was sure you wouldn’t believe it! I was debating whether to send pics as proof.

Excited to see your commentary next week ;)”

At this point, we’ve got a legit mystery on our hands and who better to investigate a lesbian bachelorette party orgy than me?

I was made for this job.

This email also gives me a chance to explain how I handle emailed stories that sound incredible, but could also be made up. I’ve discussed this on Periscope because I get asked about it quite a bit on email and in person. (Every Outkick reader wants to talk about the anonymous mailbag when they come up to talk to me).  

The simple truth is: I get a lot of anonymous emails and don’t use most of them because they just aren’t entertaining enough or the story is too similar to one we’ve done before or because I just don’t believe them. 

So what kind of research do I do if a story sounds too good to be true? First, I’ll do research on the emailer online. Here, based on the email address, I was quickly able to determine that the emailer had several online profiles under her name. These profiles were set up years ago and remain active. She’s a good looking twentysomething.

Does that mean the story isn’t made up? Of course not. But it does at least prove that the person is real. (There is always the remote possibility, I suppose, that someone has created fake online profiles years ago, continues to update these profiles on a regular basis — including work history and email addresses at those businesses — all to pretend to be a fake girl. But we’re not talking about the CIA here. What’s the upshot? So that several years later you can lie in an anonymous mailbag and pull a gotcha? It just seems like way too much work and not enough payoff. What’s more, it kills the online ruse. Based on the profiles I found online, I’m very confident this girl is real.) 

If I’m unable to prove from the email that the person is real, then I typically don’t run it in the mailbag. (By the way, you stay anonymous no matter what I find out online. But I have to do some basic work on stories like this to ensure it’s not totally made up). It’s also interesting that no guy’s email to the mailbag — no matter how absurd the story — has ever been questioned by anyone. But whenever women write to the mailbag or for Outkick, guys don’t believe it’s true. For the record, Outkick has a ton of female readers and they write mailbag questions pretty frequently. We could easily do an entire mailbag just with women’s questions. 

My second thought was, I need to let me wife read this to get her opinion. So I did. Her immediate response was, “I think lots of times things that guys wish would happen, do happen. But not all the time.” Which is the most Confucious orgy analysis ever. (I also had Outkick’s editor Lori Kelly read the emails. She said, “Deadspin is going to accuse you of writing as a girl again.” The losers at Deadspin accused me of writing the girl’s Masters column a few months ago. This has to be the most absurd accusation in Deadspin history — which is saying something. My ego is way too big to not put my name on everything I write.)   

My wife and I also discussed the fact that if she ever wanted to have an orgy at a bachelorette party with her hot friends I was totally okay with it. I thought that was important to put out there. (What percentage of husbands and boyfriends would also be okay with this? I’m going with well over half. Probably like 90% of anonymous mailbag readers. The flip side to this, every woman divorces her husband on the spot if he has an orgy with his guy friends at a bachelor party, right? Remember, it’s called a double standard because it’s twice as true).  

I told her to come up with any questions she’d want to ask. She came up with two, what’s an amateur stripper — once you strip for money aren’t you a pro? — and who is the random guy there? I wasn’t as troubled by the amateur stripper angle because I just took it to mean this wasn’t the girl’s real job. But the random guy showing up at the end did confuse me.

So I asked her question and my own questions too. 

“Couple of questions that I’m sure readers are going to ask:

1. How many girls were at the bachelorette party? And did any of them tell their boyfriends what happened? 

2. Who’s the random guy in the story? Was the bachelorette party at his house? And did he hire the stripper?

3. Is the bride still married?”

Her response:

“1. There were 7 girls total, including the bachelorette’s little sister who just graduated from high school. Her sister told her to jump on in because, “innocence is really just ignorance.” She’s really excited about college now. I told her not to expect this kind of thing EVERY night… 

To my knowledge, none of us told our boyfriends. I certainly didn’t, and the bachelorette said under no circumstances could her fiancé find out what happened. We told them we sucked on penis straws and sang karaoke all night 😉 

2. We had the party at the guy’s apartment. He is a good friend of the bride, and none of us ladies could host at our houses. He and I worked on booking the stripper together. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to book a woman stripper for a bachelorette party? That is definitely a niche that needs to be filled. Our amateur one made $500 at least that night, and got free booze, blow, and sex. She should have paid US. 

3. This party only happened about a month ago, so she is still married haha. 

Any more questions?” 

I followed up once more, this time asking a couple of more questions that I promised would not be included in the mailbag — our emailer told me what city the party happened in and what SEC school the girls had all graduated from. (This checked out with the online profiles I’d found earlier).

I also asked if there were any photos of the group because she mentioned them in the first email and because I’m a pervert and would have been inundated with other emails from you guys asking why I didn’t ask her for pictures. 

Here was her (edited) responses:

“Yeah! All the agencies told us their women strippers won’t strip for a party with other women- even if there’s also men present- because they don’t think they’ll make good money! I called every agency in town. We finally found like a friend of a friend who’s stripped before and is a nude art model lol. And you know, the party would never have escalated like that with a professional stripper or if it was a bachelor party. Her pimp would’ve shown up with a baseball bat, I’m sure.

The city is (edited) We’re all (edited) students/graduates. None of them read Outkick (their loss), so I’m not concerned about them seeing the article. But my father and brother do, so you can imagine how much I need this to remain very very vague.

The guy’s (hosting the party) eyes bugged way out of his head when everyone’s clothes came off. It was hilarious. Luckiest night of his LIFE. I wasn’t planning on getting completely naked myself, but when he brought out the coke, he said I could only have some if I joined the rest of the girls. Good play. He kept trying to join in but we were wrapped up in each other too much for the most part. Hence him finding $200 cash somewhere and paying the stripper for some action. Which leads to another question- does that make our stripper a prostitute instead? She has a lovely personality and is pursuing her education. I actually ran into her on the sidewalk the other night- awkward. What is the proper etiquette there? Anonymous mailbag round 2.

And no photos of us. Perv.” 

I feel like everyone’s mind is so blown right now that there’s no point in continuing with the anonymous mailbag today. 

In fact, I would love to have a full roster of all the communication that will ensue over the anonymous mailbag today. All of you are going to be texting friends to see what they think, you’re all emailing each other links to the story, some of you who are recently married are thinking, “Wait, is this my wife?”

Okay, I’ll add a few more emails, but none of you are going to be able to focus on them:

“Clay,

Please keep my name anonymous bc I work for Congress currently and the conduct in this story wouldn’t be seen too highly around here..

Sophomore spring break me and 4 close guy friends are driving down from Knoxville to spend the week in Destin. After smoking a blunt, most of us sleep for a while. We are awoken by our friend who is driving to tell us that we are being pulled over. We were in Opp, Alabama. Driver was speeding on a two lane road in southern Alabama.

Cop tells the driver it smells like we’re growing pot in the car. Driver does his best “No sir, no weed here, I dont know what you’re talking about routine.” Long story short–the cop finds 5 bags of weed and decides to arrest us all. We quickly come to learn that this white, redneck state trooper’s name is Tracy Morgan. We’re all stoned and think this will at least make for a good story (and it did).

On the way to jail Tracy Morgan is showing the 3 of us in his car pictures from his latest deer hunt on the laptop cops have in their car. We end up all 5 of us in a jail cell in nearby Andalusia, Alabama charged with simple possession. Fortunately, one of our girlfriends’ dads offers to bail us all out if we’ll repay him. In the cell next to us are another 4 or 5 guys. But they have been charged with bootlegging bc they bought all their beer in missouri before driving down to Destin. So, here you have 5 19-20 yr olds who got popped for weed and our bail was a fraction of what these 22-23 yr olds bail was for driving down to spring break with beer.

Fucking Alabama.

Oh and Tracy Morgan decided to go out of his way and report us to UT like a real asshole.”

We got a guy from Congress writing in about getting arrested by the white Tracy Morgan in Opp, Alabama and all of you perverts are still thinking about that bachelorette party, aren’t you?

Okay, we’ll try one more. 

“Dear my go to gay muslim advice columnist,

Recently my wife and three year old daughter, accompanied by my in-laws, took a trip to Gatlinburg. It’s the once a year destination for all Tennesseans. We usually stay in a cabin and avoid the 85% in Pigeon Forge, while making occasional trips to the Smokies or downtown Gatlinburg.

On our last day, we went to Ripley’s Aquarium. We found out there was a mermaid show, and having a three year old daughter, we HAVE to stay. Well, the time arrives and holy shit these mermaids are HOT! I mean, while some of the princesses at Disney and characters at other theme parks have got it going on, these college age girls in bikini tops and mermaid tails swimming in the exotic coral reef aquarium had my jaw on the ground.

Here’s the thing….it was sort of dark, but I’m getting a hard on with 100 1-10 year olds sitting around me. How awkward of a situation. I’m supposed to be taking pictures of my daughter in front of the mermaids, but I can’t take my eyes off of them. I’m pretty sure I snapped more pictures of the mermaids than my daughter. For all the dad’s visiting Gatlinburg, make a stop at the aquarium and stay for the mermaid show. Also, is it odd to be so turned on by something swimming around with a fake fish tail?”

How different are the sexes? A dad writes in about getting turned on at a Gatlinburg mermaid show and everyone believes it on the spot.

I believe it so much that I don’t even bother to check if there’s a Gatlinburg mermaid show.

Okay, I went ahead and checked. Someone recorded it.

Here’s the Gatlinburg mermaid show. 

The way the anonymous mailbag is going, the mermaids probably read Outkick and they’re all lesbians.  

Tune in next week. 

As always, you can send your anonymous emails to clay.travis@gmail.com

 

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.

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