Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, which means it’s time for the best thing on the Internet today — the anonymous mailbag. 

The rules are simple, you email questions to me at clay.travis@gmail.com — I promise to keep your name anonymous forever — and you’re featured here. 

You guys have made the anonymous mailbag a tremendous hit. Let’s keep it rolling. 

Here we go. 

“I am Ohio born and bred and love Cleveland sports. Cleveland has not won a major sports championship since 1964 therefore I have never seen a Cleveland championship in my lifetime. My anticipation for the NBA Finals has been off the charts. This current Cavaliers’ run has been quite a ride.

I am married with young kids so I go through dry spells with no sex more often than not. My wife and I are often tired due to work commitments and our parenting duties, but I am always willing to make time for sex – my wife is not. I am understanding most of the time and I usually find other mechanisms to keep my mind away from it. The NBA playoffs have helped fill this void for the time being.

This layoff waiting for the NBA Finals has been killing me. No basketball and no sex either. I’m a dormant volcano ready to unleash its fury, but I need an outlet.

I have been having thoughts about pulling up Cavs highlights in YouTube and pleasuring myself to them. At first I dismissed my thoughts, but the thoughts of jacking off to JR Smith’s Game 1 performance in the Eastern Conference Finals or LeBron “I’m Coming Home” montages have grown stronger by the day. I have yet to carry through with this.

Is there a deeper issue going on here?”

This is a really hysterical question, but I’m already thinking about it from your wife’s perspective, what would she think if she walked in and caught you jerking off to J.R. Smith highlights? Or to a the LeBron, “I’m coming home,” montage? Would she tell her friends? Would she divorce you on the spot? This is much weirder than porn, right? Would she worry that you secretly have a tall black men fetish?

More importantly, do you have a tall black men fetish? Or do you think highlights from, say, Dellavedova’s masterful game six performance against the Bulls would also do the trick for you? What about some Mozgov rebounds? Would that suffice?

Your wife really needs to screw you. 

“I was a groomsman in a recent wedding in which the groom agreed to have no strippers/strip clubs as a part of the bachelor party. Needless to say my fellow groomsman were pissed about this, seeing as how that is more important than celebrating the actual bachelor. The bachelor party is in (removed for protection) where the only plans were for bird hunting and booze. One of the guys working there tells us that getting a stripper to the lodge would be nearly impossible but that there was a small titty bar not too far away. He even offered to drive because we had been drinking all day long, and I’m pretty sure he just wanted an excuse to join us. So the bachelor is finally agreeable due to how drunk he is…not that we would have taken no for an answer.

We arrive at this place around 9pm because it closes at 1am, way earlier than normal. We go in and there about 5 other patrons and these girls look at us like a dump truck of cash just crashed in the front door. They’re doing things for such small amounts money that would make even you blush. And the beers are only $2. Needless to say, by 1am we’ve all had a good time and those that weren’t passed out on the floor (no joke) start collecting our group to head home.

One of the girls mentions to me that if we want to continue partying, she and a couple girls would love to join us. Naturally, I oblige and give them the address. We get home and about 30 minutes later there are three of us still awake when the door bell rings. Its me, a guy I’ve never met, and the bachelor’s brother who I’ve only met a few times. Four girls show up…one extra. We start drinking some more and they finally decide to start the show again once some more singles are thrown on the coffee table. They ask if we want private shows. No brainer. Turns out sex is not off the table for a small price. I declined based on the lack of condoms and we return to the living room where the other girl is watching a movie.

Its about 4am and I finally tell them I’m going to bed. The next morning we wake up around lunch time and are recounting the evenings events. The two other guys act like nothing ever happened. I’m quite sure they each nailed the girls in their own rooms based on my conversation with the other two ladies, but didn’t want to own up to it. I’m not close to either one of them so I keep my mouth shut. What’s protocol here?

Curious what a gay muslim thinks about all this.”

Do you think any bachelerette party in the history of bachelorette parties has ever ended with three girls having to decide whether to pay strippers for sex at four in the morning?

The answer is no. 

This is why when girls say, “Our bachelorette party was SO CRAZY,” I always want to roll my eyes. Yeah, you sucked on some penis straws and sang “I’ve got all my sisters and me,” at a late night karaoke bar.  

CRA-ZY. 

Meanwhile at a crazy bachelor party, to hell with moral issues, everyone could legitimately go to jail for multiple years based on what happens. 

Anyway, I’d never mention the night to the other two guys again, they aren’t friends of yours, why does what happened that night really matter? 

Consider the fact that you don’t have herpes to be its own reward.

“I’m writing this to you as I squat over a hole in the middle of nowhere China, removing my socks to use as Charmin ultra, because apparently toilet paper is harder to find than a real massage in this country.

Let me lay the situation out for you. I’m with a buddy of mine and we just went to Hong Kong on a grad school business trip. We weren’t going to see any historical sites in mainland China because life is all about business nowadays, and so we decide to stay and go to 5 different cities over the course of 8 days to see the Great Wall, Terra Cotta Warriors, The Bund, Forbidden City, and giant pandas because what heartless human doesn’t like giant pandas?

As we go from city to city I notice the same problem, THERE IS NOT TOILET PAPER IN ANY PUBLIC BATHROOM IN ANY CITY IN CHINA. I know I’ve always been a slow learner, but at no point were we ever told to pack our own TP.

So I’m walking around some 16th century ancient temple to a fat Buddha and I feel it. I sprint to 3 different bathrooms while the locals look at the dumb American speed walker who is clearly having issues. I get to the 4th bathroom, and I can wait no more. I naturally do what I’ve done in any tough pooping scenario, which is to remove all my clothes. My buddy thought it was extremely weird that I had to declothe, but I’m not risking anything here. I can’t be the grown man who poops on himself for no reason. I use my $15 Swiftwick socks to do the deed and I’m confident knowing that’s the most expensive yet best decision I could have made. Hope you get a good chuckle from this. Keep up the good work, poop czar.”

How can China ever hope to surpass us on a global scale if they censor the Internet and don’t have free toilet paper in their bathrooms? Come on China, you can’t step to us. You have poo on your hands. We all know it. 

You used your socks, what do Chinese people do to wipe their asses? And while going without toilet paper is a pretty savage move, how much money do they save not buying toilet paper in the entire country? This is how they have the money to build new islands. 

“Last week my dad and I were talking and he brought up something interesting and worth noting. For whatever reason every picture I take on my iPhone…he gets on his iPhone. I’m not exactly sure how this works with iCloud and what not but this seemed like it could be an issue.

I’m a college student at (SEC school) with a serious girlfriend  so obviously I would never jeopardize this relationship. I have nothing remotely to worry about, but my dad on the other hand thinks otherwise. During our conversation last week, he said to me, “Son, make sure and do not take any pictures of your ball sack. For some reason I’m getting all of your pictures still.”

Now did he say this to me because he thinks I will in fact take a picture of my ball sack and maybe send it to someone? (For the record I never have. I never understood why guys would do that.) Or did he say this solely as a precautionary? Would he and his friends have taken pictures of their ball sacks if they had phones during their childhood?

I’m very curious and would love to hear some advice from another father, a gay Muslim father that is.”

First of all, you need to figure out how to get your pictures not synced with your dad’s phone and get this ended immediately. 

Second, if it isn’t changed immediately, you should take 15 straight photos of your ball sack. No penis included at all, just balls. 

Your dad will figure out how to get that feature turned off in a hurry. 

Also, if he has any sense of humor at all, this is a really funny move by you.

Related: taking pictures of your ball sack is always funny. We played that game in high school, whose balls could end up on the disposable cameras we all carried around back then. You didn’t want to leave a disposable camera anywhere. Because you had to take them to get developed and then you’d start flipping through and there were all these balls mixed in the pictures. There are probably 15 or so ball pictures of me out there somewhere now. Fortunately, all balls look relatively similar.  

“So I was watching episode seven of “Game of Thrones” with my girlfriend (who really isn’t in to the show, but likes to spend time with me), and apparently I must have had a stupid smile on my face during the Tyene Sand topless scene cause my girlfriend says in a very judgmental tone, “Oh, you like that huh?” I laughed it off and said no that Bronn is my favorite character and I like how he was spitting game at a girl while being locked up and that he’s still alive. This is a lie… I was completely blown away by her and before bed I was Googling the actress, Rosabell Laurenti Sellers, while my girlfriend was asleep next to me.

So I get to work the next day and my female co-worker says during our usual Monday morning GoT review, “I bet you liked seeing that 19 year old naked, huh creeper?” and then we started talking about what is the cut-off age of a girl that I would be pumped to see her boobs? She said half my age +7 is acceptable… which is 23 cause I’m 34. In my head it’s 18.

So my question(s) is: What is the cut-off age for girls showing boobs for me not feeling like a creep? And am I a creep?

Also, say your daughter is cast in her first big role… in GoT… does your heart hit the floor knowing she is gonna be not just naked on film, cause that’s the baseline, but probably gonna be naked while: banging, banging in an orgy, getting shot/attacked by an animal/stabbed/etc.?

Lastly: Do you think GoT casts for acting ability and the girls they get just happen to have the best breasts on Earth (Melisandre)? Or do they purposely go for smoke shows, boob-wise, like Melisandre, Missandei… and now Tyene Sand?”

Let’s start with this — there is no cut off age for a man to not enjoy a 19 year old topless. You think Bill Clinton didn’t enjoy that scene? Come on. Every man on earth of every age enjoys a good looking topless woman. There’s a reason those scenes exist. (Related: last night we’re watching “Back to the Future” — still an incredible movie thirty years later — and my four year old is sitting next to me when George McFly is in a tree with binoculars trying to spy on his future wife as she takes off her bra. Talk about creepy. You’d go to jail for that, right? So my four year old giggles and says, “He’s trying to see her naked.” My four year old! He already understands the motivations of teenage boys and he’s four. You can’t stop biology, you can only hope to contain it.) Now, there might be a cut off age where you could date a 19 year old and not be a creeper, but let’s be honest, if you could date a smoking hot 19 year old and you were, say, 33 would you really care whether other people thought you were creepy?

“Oh, look at that 38 year old guy. He’s so creepy to be dating that smoking hot 19 year old.”

Talk about criticism you can live with. 

I’m like you, I would love to know how GoT casts for a role like this. Do all the actresses have to get topless at the audition? Do they read for the role and then stand up and show you their boobs after they’re done? Or do they have nudes that they pass out at the audition? How has no one written an article about this before? Is this not the best job ever? You have 100 hot actresses come in and read for a role and then get topless for you.

And I thought I had a good job at Outkick. Some casting director is making a quarter of a million dollars a year to pick out boobs for Game of Thrones.  

It’s also funny to think if limp penises were as popular as boobs how that casting would go. You’d have a bunch of good looking guys come in and read scenes and then the guys would have to drop their pants and everyone would sit there and look at his limp penis. Maybe even take notes. Those notes would be incredibly awkward if they weren’t very specific: “Small penis,” or “big penis.” But the more specific they get, the funnier they are: “poor scrotum to penis size,” “circumcised with moles,” “holy dwarf cock.”

Some Shakespearean all star actor with a tiny penis keeps getting rejected for all these roles and his self confidence just collapses until the point where he has an audition melt down while everyone is looking at his limp penis.

“Alas, poor Yorick. Go ahead and say it, you assholes, I don’t need to come back for the re-read right. Well, fuck all of you. My penis has nothing to do with my self worth.” 

Anyway, how much do the boobs weigh on the hiring scale? Like, are there GoT casting debates where the boobs are the deciding factor and the casting agents get in serious arguments about whose boobs are better? If you have two equal actresses then you have to let the boobs be the deciding factor, right?

“Everyday I come home from work to my two adorable kids to play and get them ready for bed. Most of the time Sprout is on in the background. While we play and read etc the shows come on and go off with the bumpers of their “talent” to come on to keep the kids engaged with birthday songs and exercises so they don’t have to feel 100% bad at encouraging kids to sit around and watch TV. This leads me to my question: At least twice a week, I look up during these breaks and think, “My God, that girl is cute…” (if not pretty hot) Does this make me weird and/or a creep?”

it’s Nina from the Goodnight Show, right?

Don’t worry, man, we all love Nina from the Good Night Show. 

You’re perfectly normal. 

“I am 42 years old, own a fairly successful small business, married to a very conservative wife and have a small child.  My issue is, I’m addicted to Eminem music. 

I play Eminem everywhere. I ride around town with Eminem cranked as loud as it will go (often time with the window down) and I’m not talking about the edited version either.  Being in a small town, I know a majority of the people and they all just give me strange looks. Do I have an underlying rebellion issue or do I just like Eminem. Should I be worried?”

This is the tamest mid-life crisis ever. 

To thank you, your wife should start off every morning with cartwheels that end in blow jobs. 

“I agree with you that kids these days don’t appreciate how easy it is for them to find porn. Gone are the days of selling pages torn out of a Playboy for $5 on the playground after lunch. I enjoy being able to access Pornhub on my smartphone whenever the urge strikes, however, sometimes this wonderful technology can sneak up and bite you in the ass.

Earlier this spring my brother stayed with my long time girlfriend and I for a few weeks.  This was no big deal and I actually enjoyed living with him again for the first time in 15 years.  The problem was that my girlfriend refused to have sex while he was staying with us (some paranoia about him hearing us).

About a week into his stay I decided to take my phone into the bathroom while getting ready for work one morning to ‘relieve somepressure’ so to speak.  No big deal or so I thought.

After dressing I walked out of the bedroom to find my brother laughing so hard that he is literally in tears and cannot speak, my girlfriend is wearing a look of shock/embarrassment/anger/humor that I have never seen before.  Apparently both the Bluetooth on my phone and my Bluetooth speaker were turned on, a speaker on which we had been listening to loud music the night before.

Fast forward to this particular morning.  As I was taking care of business in the bathroom the Oscar worthy shrieks and moans of some fledgling porn actress were being broadcast quite loudly to the entire house. 

My brother has of course gotten serious mileage out of this and told all of my friends, my girlfriend was pissed off and I make damn sure I double check that my bluetooth is turned off before getting on the’Hub.”

Ah, technology. 

On the positive side, at least you weren’t jerking off to J.R. Smith highlights. 

“If my wife found out about this, I’d have to have a very awkward conversation that no man wants to have. Please keep my name hidden from your readers.

While on vacation in East Tennessee this week, I went to a water park with the wife and kid. Throughout the day I was very pleasantly surprised at the scenery. I was expecting to see thousands of 85%ers that squeezed into their favorite Dollar Tree swimsuit. Instead, there were far more MILFS than I could have ever imagined. I spent the whole day imagining myself in the motorboat scene from Wedding Crashers.

My question is this: what is the best way to ogle beautiful women at water parks, beaches, pools, etc? Do you sneak peaks when you think they’re not going to notice? Do you utilize the darkest pair of sunglasses you can find? When caught staring, what is the proper thing to say or do?

I know this will be a difficult question for a gay Muslim to answer, but all of us dirty old men that read your mailbag could benefit from your wise answer.”

Wear dark sunglasses.

If caught staring, never acknowledge this fact. If confronted about staring, claim that you believed a child over the woman’s shoulder was drowning. Rescue a child from drowning that isn’t actually drowning if necessary.   

“Please settle this argument I had with my girlfriend. I like to kiss her after I’m done going down on her. This past week she tried to kiss me after going down on me and I said no. She got upset with me… I say it’s different and she says it’s only fair that she should be able to kiss me. Where do you stand on this?”

Either you both kiss or neither of you can kiss. 

I’d suggest a compromise, buy lube that tastes great. Then you’re tasting cotton candy or chocolate or whatever taste your girlfriend prefers.