I’m headed to the SEC spring meetings this morning so I’m writing the anonymous mailbag early today.
If you haven’t signed up for Periscope yet, I’d encourage you to do so this week because I’m going to be experimenting with it this week from the spring meetings.
Okay, on to the anonymous mailbag. (PSA you can email me any questions, anonymity guaranteed, at firstname.lastname@example.org)
“I graduated from (SEC school) and have stayed pretty close to a group of my close friends. One of my closest friends started dating a girl a little over a year ago that just graduated from (SEC school). They have moved very quickly in their relationship — supposedly she moved in with him a few months back. Here is where the story gets tricky:
Because she is so much younger than us, we did not really know her reputation when they started dating. We have come to find out that she has quite an “experienced” past. During a large group text chain between about 20 people (it was all guys her age), multiple full frontal selfies of her were sent from different guys on the chain. In other words, she sent a different full frontal selfie to at least half of the guys on the chain (all of which she has slept with). Keep in mind, this is only one age group of guys she has “hung out” with. Rumor has it that the total number is around 100 (actually one of my little brother’s friends counted up to 40 that he knows for sure!). These pics were obviously sent out to a ton of people (she is really hot with a smoking body by the way).
Anyway, we are all pretty sure that our friend has no clue about her past and he definitely has no clue about the pics. Is it in the Man Code that I should tell him? If so, how? I mean, can I discreetly do it somehow? If I don’t tell him, then I will never be able to look at him in the eye again.”
Whew, this is tricky.
Okay, before I answer, let’s start with this question: what percentage of girls between the ages of 18 and 25 have sent a naked photo to someone? I think it’s like 85%. Seriously, that high. Just about everybody under thirty has naked photos out there circulating somewhere. Being naked is not a big deal for the millennial generation. Especially if the head is cut off the photo.
There are also tons of dick pics floating around out there. Most of you reading this right now who are under thirty have, at some point, taken a picture of your own dick. I mean. I just give up.
Seriously, at some point all of you were like, “There’s my dick. I really need to take a picture of this.” And then there was a dick picture on your phones. Right next to your grandmas at Thanksgiving. “Oh, there’s nana with a turkey leg. And, there’s my dick.”
Every girl under thirty reading this right now has gotten dick pics. Every. Single. One. And men are so socially awkward that lots of time the dick pics come totally unannounced. Like, one text you’re talking about “The Bachelor,” and the next one is a dick pic. And what do you say right after you receive an unexpected dick pic if you’re a girl? I can think of lots of things to say after you see a naked girl. But what do you say after you see a dick? (Also, how nerve wracking is the time you’re waiting after you send a dick pic? The whole thing is just steeped in awkwardness. If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, “I hope she likes my dick pic,” you really need to reconsider your life choices.)
Anyway, here’s my additional hypothesis on these photos of the girl in our question: the hotter the girl is and the more casual the relationship, the more widely distributed these photos are beyond the person that it was initially intended for. That is, if a guy is in a five year relationship with a girl and has naked photos of her, he’s far less likely to share them than if he’s been in a quick relationship with a girl he barely knows. Further, the hotter the girl is, the less likely any of these guys are to ever delete the photos and the more likely they are to share them. (I would assume this same hypothesis would also be true for women.)
You say this girl is really hot and sent out a bunch of naked photos to guys. My bet is these pictures are widely distributed. The fact that a bunch of people have seen her naked, to me, just isn’t that big of a deal.
I mean, let’s pretend that this girl had posed in Playboy’s Girls of the SEC and millions of people had seen her naked. Would you date a girl who had posed nude before? (This is like the Bachelor last season, by the way). I would if I really liked her. I just don’t see the nudity as that big of a deal. But if your buddy didn’t know she’d posed in the magazine and you saw her, would you be obligated to tell him about it? I think so. But that’s totally public nudity, here it isn’t.
Now the second part of your question, are there a number of guys that a college-aged girl can have slept with that requires you to discuss it with your buddy? You’re guessing that she’s slept with 100 guys and he has no idea.
First, let’s flip this and pretend that the guy had slept with 100 girls. Would this girl’s friends say something to her if they knew about his past and she didn’t? I think they probably would. They’d say something like, “Just be careful, he’s slept with a ton of girls before you. He’s a player.” It’s common to talk about the significant others that your friends are dating and their reputations in friend circles, right?
So I think you could say something less direct to your buddy. The next time you’re out drinking with him you say, “Boy (insert girl here) really liked to party back at (insert SEC school), huh?”
If he wants to follow up, he can. But if he doesn’t want to follow up, he doesn’t have to.
There are lots of current details you just don’t know about. What’s going on right now in their relationship? Is she currently cheating on him? Is she currently sending naked photos to other guys? If either of those things were true then you’d be obligated to tell him. This is more dicey. You’re also assuming that she has been completely silent about her past so far. Is that really likely?
The only thing more awkward than you saying nothing and assuming he doesn’t know is if you tell him everything and he says he already knows.
This might be shocking, but she could change her behavior too. Should she forever be imprisoned by the decisions she made in college? After all, how many smoking hot college-aged women go from sleeping with their boyfriends every day for a month straight to marrying those same guys and not being interested in sleeping with their husbands more than three or four times a month.
(Tons of men are silently weeping now.)
“I enjoyed your analysis of Stuff We Used for Jerk Off Material Before the Internet Existed.
I’m in my mid 30’s like you and I appreciated your tale of writing jerk off stories for yourself as a teenager.
It reminded me of what I used to do as a teenager with a sharp mind for math and data analysis – creating Masturbation Spreadsheets!
Surely that went a long way to prepare me for my career as an engineer. It started out on paper – basically listing all the hot girls at school and giving number values for body parts and features. Then taking the source data and creating custom lists and rankings.
When my dad brought home a computer with Microsoft Excel I took it to the next level. Nothing gets you going as a 15 year old math nerd like teaching yourself to use the Sort and Filter functions by instantly generating lists of something like every brown haired tan skinned girl with big boobs in the 9th grade.”
Masturbation Spreadsheets: The Clay Travis Story has a nice ring to it for the title of my next book.
I’d like to say I’m surprised that a 15 year old boy taught himself to use Excel by ranking the boobs of all the freshman girls in his class, but I totally expected this to happen.
One of my best friends still, and I’m not making this up, ranks the women he would choose to repopulate the earth with every time he’s in a long elevator ride. “You never know when the earth might end,” he always says, “you have to be prepared. What if the people on my elevator are the only survivors?”
“I’m a 42-year-old male who still occasionally gets the “Handjob from God.” I’ve never understood how a wet dream actually comes about: Is it the urge that drives the dream? Or the dream that prompts the cream?”
It’s not jerking off enough.
“My family is from Texas, and we have a long tradition of military service back to the civil war (we fought for the north…another reason to keep this anonymous), and the overwhelming majority of my friends and associates are hard core, right wing conservatives.
I was raised in an incredibly liberal household on many fronts: abortion is a woman’s choice, drugs should be legal, social programs like the Affordable Care Act are good, anyone should be able to marry anyone else, evolution is real, etc. The problem is that I am insanely conservative on some other issues, mostly out of personal experience. For example, I love my assault rifles (having one pointed at your face in anger will make you want one for yourself, trust me) and I think the biggest mistake we made in Iraq and Afghanistan wasn’t that we got involved, it’s that we didn’t colonize. As a result, I have two sets of friends: the insanely conservative gun geeks that I shoot and work with vs. the super liberal group that I hang out with otherwise. I’m forced to live two lives, and it gets really awkward when I’m in the room with people from both camps. Recently, I was outed as both a liberal that voted for Obama (twice) to my shooting group and as a crazy gun toting conservative to my drinking buddies.
Apparently I’m transpolitical and hated by all.
The thing is, I don’t think I’m alone. I honestly think that the first democratic presidential candidate that agreed to quit fighting for gun control would win in a landslide, similarly I think that the first republican that gave up the anti-abortion and anti-gay marriage fights while agreeing that evolution is real would blow away anyone running against them in a general election. Unfortunately I don’t think such a candidate would ever make it past the primaries.
Am I alone, or simply part of a growing group of closeted individuals that can’t be defined by traditional political identification? I’m feeling confused and considering hormone therapy or political reassignment surgery. Please offer you gay muslim perspective.”
This is why I want to found the radical moderates political party.
I’ve made this argument for a long time — if you use your brain at all it’s impossible to be entirely committed to any political party for all ideas. Each political party is filled with insane amounts of total idiots who believe fundamental untruths.
One of the scariest surveys I’ve ever seen proved that only 10% of people are capable of having a coherent political philosophy. Everyone else just blindly follows the party.
I’m with you, my beliefs cross over the political parties to a great extent. I honestly think the more intelligent you are, the more this happens. This also means that most Americans aren’t very smart.
Which is, sadly, totally true.
“I’m 35, have 3 kids, work a bunch, and my wife is a stay at home mom. That being said, she’s never not busy. NEVER. I make it home for dinner almost every night, which is usually me trying to get the kids fed and bathed while she “just checks a quick email”. The perpetual argument is that she tells no one NO when they ask for something. Except me. She’s PTA VP, teaches preschool 3 days a week, deacon at church, runs book fair, helps with every school event, so clearly at night she’s not really interested in anything I’ve got for her.
We’ve argued, I’ve yelled (not effective), I’ve begged (sometimes effective), had long discussions about wants vs needs (pointless). I swear if I had sex twice a week I’d leave her alone so I don’t think I’m that sexually needy that she claims me to be. Anyway she’s claimed before in frustration she would be fine with me getting action from someone else. This would hardly be possible between work and family obligations I can barely schedule a Saturday afternoon dump with out people thinking I’ve gone AWOL. But if it were possible, is there anyway to believe that she would actually be cool with this? My assumption is NO. Any gay Muslim wisdom on this?”
This question reminds me of two great quotes I’ve recently read on sex:
Wanda Cooper, Michael Cooper’s wife, was asked whether she was bothered by the showtime era Lakers wild sex lives on the road. She said she wasn’t. “One less blowjob I have to give at home.”
I mean, how incredible is that quote?
Second, the great Charlie Sheen line when he was asked why he paid for prostitutes. He said, “I don’t pay them for sex, I pay them to leave.”
Let’s start here with my thesis: The only reason we exist from a biological perspective is to reproduce. Everything is founded in this biological imperative. Nothing else matters.
If you think about the ancient biological basis for women being so pro-monogamy, it makes total sense. In olden times — when resources were scarce — if a man slept with another woman, he might leave his partner for this new woman. That isn’t only a direct hit at the woman’s chances for survival, it’s a direct hit at the woman’s offspring surviving as well. With limited resources the man, who brought home the food and offered protection, might start to bring home food to the new woman and protect his new family instead.
So a woman is biologically driven to ensure her husband is faithful because it made her offspring more likely to survive. A man also has a biological incentive that his partner is monogamous. Men want a faithful mate because otherwise how do you know that the kids you are raising are your own? From a biological perspective, you don’t want to expend valuable resources on someone else’s children.
Of course, the man’s biological desire for a faithful mate also conflicts with the man’s biological imperative. Namely, men are also driven to spread our seed as widely as possible. This is why we can reproduce for our entire lives and women have limited eggs. Biologically, men are like uzis and women are like targeted drone strikes. Women have to carefully choose their targets and men just show up and spray bullets everywhere.
This is why I want to get a t-shirt made that says: “Biology is sexist,” and start wearing it to drive the hard core liberals crazy. The hard core liberals believe there is no difference between the sexes and everything is a “social construct.” Including, presumably, the penis. Which we’ve all invented. (FYI, I love driving the hard core liberals and hard core conservatives equally crazy. It’s what gay Muslims do).
Circling back around to your question, there’s clearly a huge demand for no strings attached sex. (This is why prostitution exists). But what percentage of wives would be okay with this if it meant their husbands would stop bothering them for sex all the time and — this is also key — no one else knew their husbands were doing it? I think it would be pretty high.
From a biological perspective, I don’t believe the fear is the sex with someone else, I think the fear is that the sex with someone else will lead to abandonment.
But what the hell do I know, I’m just a gay Muslim trying to make a dollar out of fifteen cents.
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