Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag. As always, you can send your anonymous mailbag questions to clay.travis@gmail.com and I promise full anonymity with the questions.

Update, we have selected a winner for the Steeplechase tailgate contest. We got tons of submissions and I always hate picking someone because I really did read all the submissions and many of them were very entertaining. If you need Steeplechase tickets you get $10 off by clicking here and putting in the code OKTC.

Okay, here we go with the anonymous mailbag. 

“A few weeks back someone asked the question whether it was ok to use the handicap stall to poop because they had a handicapped person in their office. I also have the same dilemma as we have a handicapped person in our office as well and he uses a motorized scooter, so I try to not use the stall anymore.

Fast forward to this week, I go into the bathroom to use the urinal stall and lo and behold, someone’s using the handicap stall while the other 2 are empty. As I turn the corner, motorized handicapped person is barely reaching a urinal. Obviously handicapped person can’t go into the other stalls because of the scooter, and you obviously can hear he’s struggling to pee in the urinal as well. I went and did my business faster than ever before because I was afraid handicapped person would ask for help. and I didn’t know how I’d react.

The question is, if the handicapped person asks for assistance because someone took that handicap stall, what do you do? Do you bang on the handicap door and ask the guy pooping to come help? Do you (gulp) help the handicapped guy because he needs help with God knows what? Or do you call someone else like a nurse to come in and help?”

First, this is all on the dude using the handicapped stall, as soon as you see a motorized scooter come in you have to vacate the premises. Even if you’re mid-poop you flush and shamefully relocate — potentially with poop hanging halfway out — to a normal stall. You also have to lie and claim that the other two stalls were taken when you come out and not make eye contact with the guy on the scooter.

Given that the guy on the scooter is being pretty magnanimous here — and probably pissing all over himself at the urinal — you’re confronted with a difficult situation. Because the asshole in the handicapped stall has to be aware what he’s done — and honestly he’s probably terrified to come out and reveal himself as the dude taking the handicapped stall. He definitely heard that scooter come in and thought, “No way. Fuck me.” But at that point he had to vacate the stall, period.

He’s the one who has put you in this awkward situation. 

If you bang on the stall and demand the guy exit that’s probably the most just outcome, but what if the handicapped guy then feels like you’re fighting his battles for him? So I don’t think you can get involved in that way here. The most I would probably do is say, “You okay?” to the handicapped guy. If the handicapped guy flips out on you and says, “How the fuck do you think I am? I’m pissing all over myself because some asshole is in the handicapped stall!” you just have to take it. 

The downside of asking this question is if he needs help, I think you have to help then. Next thing you know you’re helping another dude balance at the urinal. So I think your options are a quiet question or a total avoidance of the situation. (By the way, “a nurse?” Unless you work in a hospital this is maybe the most ridiculous idea possible.) 

Finally, I do think this might be a necessary time to check out the shoes of the guy in the handicapped stall and potentially violate his privacy by washing your hands and looking into the stall to see who it is. If you do this, give a disgusted gaze in his direction and slowly shake your head.

This guy is the worst.  

“I’m 45 years old with a wife & 2 kids. 2 years ago my wife asked for a separation and has filed for divorce. We’ve worked out the custody issues but are in a pretty adversarial fight over property and support. That’s why it has taken 2 years and we still haven’t been able to finalize a divorce. We recently started mediation, and I think we’ll reach an agreement soon.

During our 2 years of separation, I’ve been faithful and willing to wait until the divorce is finalized before moving on to the next chapter of life. However, a few months ago I went into a strip club and I’ve been back several times. I’ve had a few drinks with one of the dancers. She’s probably 25. She’s definitely hot. And Asian. I love that.

Anyway, I wasn’t born yesterday and I know how things work with dancers. They’re only after money. Fortunately I have money. But in this particular case, we’ve hit it off a little bit and she’s asked me to get together for dinner. I know that since I’m still technically married this would be a mistake. And I know that there’s virtually no chance the dancer is interested in anything other than getting more money. But I can’t stress this enough…she is hot. I guess there’s a 1% chance that it could lead to a night of passion. But there’s a much higher chance that things could backfire. I live in a large metro area, so I doubt anyone would ever find out about this. But if anyone were to find out, it would probably hurt things before the divorce is final. It would certainly make my wife angry and more litigious. Even though the divorce is completely her idea. And I could wake up in a bathtub packed in ice and missing a kidney. But on the other hand, she is really hot. REALLY hot. So I need your advice. Should we get Italian or steaks?”

My advice: Bang the stripper. 

If you’re going out with a stripper and it doesn’t end in a night of passion, what are you doing with her? Are you guys going to turn into great friends? Going to start a book club together? This is 100% about sex for you and the stripper is clearly after your money. But this is a fair and bargained for exchange. If anything, it’s probably the most honest relationship you’ve been involved in since you got married. So go out for a nice dinner, but if it doesn’t end in sex then you need to recalibrate your game plan here. Because here’s what you don’t want to have happen — you don’t want to end up courting the stripper for months before she has sex with you. Because then you’re definitely getting played.     

Plus, it’s not cheating when you’ve been separated for two years and are in the process of getting a divorce. That’s an absurd amount of time for a divorce to take. I don’t even know who she is and I already hate your ex-wife. If anyone does find out about your date then just say you met her through work. It’s a lie, but it’s a lie you have to tell.

Make sure you take plenty of condoms and I’d go ahead and book a decent hotel room for after dinner. That makes it harder for the stripper to drug you and steal your kidney. 

Good luck.  

“I go to a big SEC school in the south and dated a girl who ended up cheating on me while I was in the hospital. Anyway she decided to take her sex addiction to the porn industry because she claimed “it wouldn’t be on the Internet, only bluray.” Of course it’s on pornhub now and I get a nice kick out of it for multiple reasons. 1) she’s a dumbass 2) I feel like I’m part of the reason for this since I told her she might as well get paid for being a whore and 3) the video sucks. However, we have one buddy (in a group of 15 or so) who is a porn addict and lifelong butt of our jokes. We found out that he jerked off to my ex girlfriend’s porn video, which is terrible as you’ll see in the provided link. Maybe I should be, but I’m not mad. More just confused and think it’s kinda strange, maybe funny. After all it’s still hilarious to me that I dated and banged a pornstar before she became a pornstar. So here are my questions: 1) should I be mad? 2) even if I shouldn’t be mad, should there be some sort of penalty on him? 3) do you find her video as bad as me and my friends? We call her the monotone moaner now.”

Of course I clicked on the link he sent — go to pornhub and search “girlsdoporn sexy girl in glasses” if you want to see it yourself — and I HAD ALREADY SEEN THE PORN.

What are the odds you get sent a pornhub link by a reader that stars his ex-girlfriend and you’ve already seen the porn yourself? There’s like a billion porno movies on pornhub. And I’ve only watched, at most, 100 million of them.   

Anyway, I gotta be honest with you, I like your ex-girlfriend’s work. And it wasn’t her vocal traits that stood out to me.   

The guys behind the girlsdoporn handle on pornhub are porn geniuses. Their game plan is to find girls who purportedly have never done porn before and have them film their first porn. I first got exposed to their Kurosawa like work when they persuaded two Miss Teen Americas to do their first porns. One of them later enrolled at Arkansas — SEC, SEC, SEC! — and the other, a former Miss Teen Colorado, may have made the hottest porn in the history of porn. 

So I already love these guys, they’re artists. 

As for your buddy, I don’t blame him at all. In fact, I bet he’s just the honest one. At least 3/4ths of your buddies have also jerked off to this porn too. Otherwise, why would you watch a porn? Isn’t it much creepier to watch porn like it’s a regular movie, fully clothed and with your pants on? I think so.   

“I’ve noticed a phenomenon over the past couple of years that I believe could change the world as we know it. For thousands of years super hot girls have had it pretty easy in life, but they have always been somewhat kept humble by the lack of attention they receive. I mean of course they still got tons of compliments and shit but men were too busy trying to build huts and hunt food to pump up their egos to enormous sizes. This has unfortunately come to an end by the infamous social media craze Instagram. Hot girls have thousands of followers, 80% of which I bet they don’t even know, and get thousands of likes on selfies where they “can’t believe they even posted this OMG so awk.” Other girls also comment the most outrageous things that I’m sure boost their ego even more. So my question is this. Are hot girls egos bigger than they’ve ever been before? And is it going to cause a generation of the bitchiest females to ever walk to the face of the earth? I figured you would be best to answer this as you have the biggest ego of any gay black Muslim that I know.”

This is why I can’t be on Instagram, because the entire site seems to exist for hot girls to post new photos in bikinis. Every time I go on Instagram — which is rare — an hour passes and I look up and I’ve just been clicking from one hot girl to another. It’s like a black hole of hotness, once you’re inside it’s nearly impossible to pull back out. 

Whenever I feel like I have a pretty decent audience — that I’ve built up by grinding away writing every day on the Internet for the past 13 years — inevitably someone links to a hot model on Twitter and she has like a million followers. And she’s 24 and has been posting photos on the Internet for three years and everything she posts has thousands of likes. 

And I’m like, why am I such a failure? What am I doing with my life?

(I feel the same way with all these Vine video stars that have millions of followers. They post videos of them hitting a ping pong ball and kissing a goldfish bowl and millions of people watch this thing. I want to retire from the Internet when I see how popular this is.)

Anyway, who are these dudes who are following hundreds of hot girls on Instagram and Twitter? And then commenting on their pictures? I’ll tell you — all of them wear jerseys to sports games. I mean, is it possible to be a bigger loser than this?

I follow one girl on Twitter that I don’t know — Charlotte McKinney. That’s a low ratio, but if you’re following more girls that you don’t know than girls that you do know on social media, I think you need an intervention.

As for what becomes of these girls, they get older and surpassed by younger girls who are better looking, marry a rich dude they don’t like that much, have some kids, get much less hot, and get divorced. They’re the male equivalent of really good high school athletes, they peak early and most fade very rapidly.   

…

Now we’ve got a bunch of emails about athletes being paid to play in college. These are eye opening. I’m going to start posting them in every anonymous mailbag. Keep them coming. 

These demonstrate how common it is, even for players that aren’t top recruits. 

Enjoy. 

“This is not going to be ground breaking by any means but as a former small college basketball player (Division 2, NAIA, etc.) I was given benefits and paid throughout the recruiting process. It is so obvious that this stuff goes on at the higher levels and I understand why no one wants to admit/discuss the gifts or give names but it is a fascinating subject and I am glad you have given people an outlet to hopefully discuss it.

As I was concluding my official visit to a Division 2 school several years ago, my grandfather shook hands with the coach in charge of recruiting me and walked away with nearly $400 in cash to cover his “travel expenses”. Since it was an official visit, the university footed the bill for all of our meals, hotel, etc. so there was nothing he needed reimbursed for. Once in the car on the way home, he turned and handed the money to me. I ended up not choosing this school but as a high school senior that was a nice little boost to my wallet.

Again, the anonymity would be greatly appreciated because the coach mentioned is still employed and running the basketball program at said university. I hope you get better stories for larger amounts and do not have to share this boring one but paying players definitely goes on. Have a good weekend!”

Even D2 players get paid!

“My husband played for a Southwest Conference program in the early/mid 80s. He was recruited by several SWC teams, as well as by the Big 8, Pac 10, Big East.  As we all know, recruiting was like the wild, wild west back then. He was offered anything from a brand new car to a summer “job” for $10K (which was a lot back then) to a full ride for his high school girlfriend. Recruiting trips were a whole other can of worms…more than willing girls, alcohol, private jets, cash…did I mention the girls? During his CFB tenure he knew of guys that received cash, clothes, jobs, cars, family assistance…at a variety of programs. Everyone knew it was going on but no one talked about it.

Honestly the culture has not changed much, probably even worsened.  College football is still king.  Thank God there was no social media in the 80s.  😉“

You know what would also kill in the mailbag? Recruiting visit stories. If you’re a former college athlete and you got to take recruiting visits to campus, email your story. I’ll wipe out your school info — we’re not trying to bust people here — we just want the best stories possible. 

“Three decades ago, I went to a school where racquetball (I shit you not) was kind of a big deal. A couple of the guys on the team lived on our floor in the dorm. Whenever they needed a little extra money, they’d call and, as they put it, “place an order.” Within an hour or so, some student worker from the athletic department would bring by an envelope with money in it. They didn’t do it all that often and it wasn’t a brick of cash by any means. But, they never ran out of weed. This was freakin’ RACQUETBALL, for God’s sake. Lord only knows what the football and basketball guys were getting.”

Racquetball payments!

Perfect. 

Send your anonymous mailbag questions or college payment stories to clay.travis@gmail.com