Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday and time for the anonymous mailbag. 

As always you can email me questions at clay.travis@gmail.com and I will promise to keep you anonymous while doing my best to answer your question. 

On to the mailbag. 

“Even though you’re a gay Muslim, you might be able to help me out with this.

Long story short: I’ve been happily married for 10 years. My wife is it for my sexual history; she’s the only woman I’ve ever been past first base with. We have maintained a healthy and frequent sex life even with kids. Things are as good as I can imagine them being.

At work, I manage an office and my entire staff of 10 is female. Everyone is younger than 35, and they are all reasonably attractive. Aside from some occasional cattiness, things are good there too.

The other night, I woke up groping my wife. In the hazy place between sleep and wake, I thought that it was one of my female employees. Fortunately, my wife was asleep through the whole incident and is none the wiser. There is nothing going on with the employee not even a “work crush.” Should I be freaked out over what happened or just chalk it up to a crazy dream? Short of changing the dress code to make my employees wear burqas, is there anything that I could do to keep this from happening again?”

Chalk it up to a crazy dream. 

I would venture to say that just about every guy and girl reading this right now has had a version of this happen. You’re perfectly normal. 

Except for the part where you said you have never been past first base with any other woman. I didn’t know people like you existed in the 21st century. Then again, I’ve never bought a CD, a song on iTunes or boiled water. Welcome to an exclusive club.  

“Clay,

I’m sure you clear “you’re” gay porn and Muslim propaganda every time you use the computer. Someone else’s carelessness almost got me in trouble.

My wife recently had dinner with a friend who was concerned about the amount of porn her husband was looking at. She was snooping the browser history and was appalled at what she found. The issue: THE DUDE WASN’T USING INCOGNITO MODE!

The friend mentioned him needing counseling and even was contemplating divorce. As my wife tells me this, I started sweating profusely thinking the Inquisition was about to begin on me.

Fortunately my wife has become more confident since we’ve been married and advised her friend that it’s not the worst as long as it doesn’t affect their sex life, job, or kids and may even add a spark to their relationship.

Two things came to mind when she told me this story.

1. How many people don’t know about Incognito Mode?

2. Not using Incognito Mode can have unintended collateral damage to friends, family and others.

Clay, please make sure your readers know to use incognito or privacy mode.”

When you say she was “appalled at what she found,” I’m assuming you mean somewhat regular porn and not, like, women having sex with horses. Because let’s start here — if a woman contemplates divorce because her husband is looking at porn, she needs to open her fucking eyes. 99.999% of men in America look at porn. If your husband or boyfriend claims he doesn’t look at porn, he’s lying to you. You need to get over this and start living in the real world. Or you can just date guys who lie about this and pretend you don’t know they’re lying. Either way you’re being delusional.  

Second, I don’t know or use incognito mode because like a modern man, I look at porn on my iPhone. Generally, like most of you reading this right now, free porn on pornhub.com.

I look at porn on my iPhone because about a decade ago I killed my wife’s laptop by looking at porn on it. You haven’t lived until your wife sends her laptop off to get fixed at the computer doctor and the computer doctor calls and tells her he’s going to have to put her laptop down because there are too many porn viruses on it for it to ever work normally again. 

Yep, I’m a keeper.  

“My college roommate and best friend has always had some pretty ridiculous stories when blackout drunk, but only until I decided to room with him did I get the full effect. Despite all of the fun and crazy times, there have been some questionable ones as well. Two incidents in particular stand out. I’ll narrate them for you.

The first involved my roommate getting a bit too drunk at a pregame. We were getting ready to go downtown, and he had lost his jacket. Being the great roommate that I am, I looked around the apartment, found it, handed it to him, and said lets go. My roommate proceeds to take his dick out, place it in his hand, and say “In thanks, I present this to you.”

Now I don’t know about you, but that was the first time I had ever had a body part formally presented to me. After an awkward laugh and a “fuck you man” or two, we went on about our night and weekend without much mention of talk of it.

A few weeks later, my roommate again is blacked, this time on a night where I decide to stay in. After coming home at 3 am, he sees me laying on the couch, jumps on top of me as if to wrestle, but quickly straddles me and says “Let’s have sex. Like man sex.”

I was speechless. I shoved him off and sent him to bed, but can’t help but think that this series of events might mean that he is trying to come out. Keep in mind the guy has a steady girlfriend, and before her used to get laid more than me.

Do your gay Muslim instincts tell you that he is trying to come out? Should I be worried that he is going to proposition me again after coming out of the closet?”

Okay, let’s attempt to break this down. 

First, I think the presenting the dick joke is pretty funny. So I’d dismiss that one. Gay or straight a good dick joke is a good dick joke. You found his coat and he drunkenly presented his dick to you in gratitude. I think that’s pretty funny. 

As for the other incident, it’s college so who really knows his true motivations? Was he interested in hooking up with you or did he think you’d be uncomfortable if he pretended to want to hook up with you? The line between a guy who is potentially gay and a guy who is so sure he isn’t gay that he’s making jokes about being gay because he finds it funny is a tough one to discern. Particularly in college. 

There are probably quite a few girls reading this right now who dated gay guys in college who were pretending to be straight. Those guys probably suspected they were gay in college, but they didn’t know for sure. So they were pretending to be straight because it’s always easier to be straight than it is to be gay. Who knows the truth? Just wait and see. There’s really nothing you can do. 

As to whether you should be worried that he’s going to proposition you again — welcome to the life of a woman. Do you worry about how girls that you try to hook up with feel when you try to get them to hook up with you? Probably not, right? And if they shoot you down is it really that big of a deal or do you go on with your life and get over it pretty quickly?

The point is: If you’re straight and a gay guy tries to hook up with you, you just tell him you’re straight and move on. I don’t see why this is a very big deal. 

“Clay,

My girlfriend the other night told me that sometimes she fakes it when we are having sex. Obviously, that made me feel like crap and even though she said this while she was trying to get it on, I was no longer in the mood.

She tried to explain it in a few ways.
1) Every woman does it to make their man feel better about themselves
2) The sex is real and she enjoys it, but that she’s just making extra noise to let me know that she really enjoys what she’s doing.

Is explanation #1 true to all of the readers and should I buy explanation #2 or is she just good at thinking on her feet?”

I suspect that every single woman on earth has faked an orgasm at some point in her life. Certainly I suspect that every woman who has slept with me has. 

I think this is the most common lie women tell. (The second most common lie is that your penis is the perfect size).

What’s the most common male lie?

When guys in relationships claim they no longer have any interest in sleeping with other women. That’s a total and complete lie. Yes, ladies reading this who are going to immediately go to your husbands or boyfriends and say, “Was Clay Travis being honest when he said that all guys, no matter who they are dating or how happy they are, think about sleeping with other women on a regular basis?” And many of your husbands or boyfriends are going to laugh uncomfortably and say, “Honey, why do you believe anything Clay Travis says, he’s just being funny. That’s not true.”

He’s lying to you ladies.

But it’s a necessary lie. Just like when you said his penis was perfect. 

Everyone lies in relationships. If we didn’t, no one would ever end up together. 

“My wife gave birth to our third child in the past year and all are under 4 years of age. Considering natural births with each and given my size averageness, sex can become sort of a “slip and slide” at times. I’m still getting the job done but can tell it’s not quite as good (for her).

Being borderline obsessed with pleasuring my wife to the highest degree and refusing to believe the lie of “You are perfect the way you are”, I purchased a well-reviewed penis enhancer (that could double as a dildo). Knowing she wouldn’t go for it if discussed beforehand, I tucked it away in one of those fake, decorative storage books on my nightstand (boy was she in for a thrill!).

So we’re in the midst of foreplay after all 3 kids are nestled and snug in their beds, and I say hey, want to try out a new toy I got? She says no without asking what it was or anything and I didn’t explain further in fear of ruining the mood (over /under really is more like 1.5 per week if you ask me).

Fast forward a week later and I double check the fake book and it’s gone! It’s been over a month and not a word from her and be rest assured if one of the kids found it they’d be flaunting it through the house like they found a hidden treasure. We’ve watched porn together so it’s not like my wife is too conservative.

Wanting to give myself the best chance of trying this out (assuming it’s hidden and not trashed), how would you suggest I bring this up? I’m also wondering if she’s secretly pleasuring herself with it and not wanting to admit she enjoys the added girth.”

I love the idea of hiding a dildo in a fake book on your nightstand. “Hey, I’m going to read this book, wait no, surprise!, it’s a dildo instead.” But even more than hiding the dildo in the fake book, I love that you have a fake book by your nightstand and thought your wife wouldn’t think — “I wonder what my husband is keeping in that fake book by the nightstand.”

Also, how were you going to get the dildo out of the fake book during sex without making a big show of it? “Hold on, honey, let me open up this book during foreplay and read for a couple of pages while you get comfortable.”

I mean, fake books are clearly fake books. It’s like a book toupee, we all know you aren’t reading “War and Peace,” every night before you go to bed. (Inevitably, by the way, a reader is going to email me and say, “I really am reading “War and Peace” every night before I go to bed, asshole. Now my husband thinks I’m just keeping a dildo by the bed.”)

Given that your kids aren’t running around the house playing with the dildo like it’s a light saber — which has to happen tens of thousands of times a year to families across the country — the only logical explanation is that your wife has found the dildo — despite your best attempts to keep it hidden in the book — and done something with it. 

So I think you have to address the dildo in the room and see what she says about your marital aid. 

I would encourage you, by the way, not to include the phrase, “Your vagina is huge now,” in that discussion. 

“I am 31 year old father of a 6 year old boy and 4 year old girl. About a year and a half ago my boy busted through our bedroom door in the middle of the night absolutely frantic. Like not “I had a bad dream” frantic, but “I just put a DDT on my little sister and she’s not moving. I’m so sorry don’t put me in time out” frantic. (true story) He rushed over to my side of the bed. I was startled and figured that this was bad. Then I notice he is naked from the waist down. I sit up and he thrusts his hips towards me while holding his tiny little scrotum. “Dad!!! There’s these…..these THINGS at the bottom of my penis!” He was terrified and thought something horrible had happened to him. In my half awoken stupor, I calmed him down, told him that they were his “nuts,” and that every boy has them. He has used the term “nuts” at inappropriate times for the last 18 months at least 30 times.

Fast forward to last week. I’m supervising bath time. This means I’m playing on my phone while he plays in the tub after he’s been washed. I look over after I realize he’s been silent for too long (isn’t silence the most terrifying sound to a parent when one is responsible for, but not paying attention to, their kids?) He is meticulously examining his testicles. He sees me looking at him and says, “Daddy, my nuts look like a brain. Do your nuts look like a brain? I bet they do, but your nuts would be a real hairy brain.”

As a father of three boys, have you had to deal with the self-discovery aspect of parenthood yet? Stories? I bet your readers have some pretty good stories on this front. And I’ve already told my wife I’m not answering any of these questions with my little girl.”

At bath time I was also doing the modern parenting move of sitting on the toilet while scrolling through Twitter on my iPhone. My oldest son is four years old and splashing around until he becomes quiet and then looks up at me and says with a totally serious face like he’s just become the first person to discover that DNA is built on a double helix: 

“Daddy, when you play with your peepee, it grows.”

What do you say to that?

I just said, “Daddy knows. But we do that by ourselves.”

As for the daughter angle, I have three boys so I don’t have to worry about these stories, but a friend of mine said his four year old daughter was in their jacuzzi tub recently and told him, “Daddy, it feels really good when you sit on the jet.”

He said he just wanted to cry. 

…

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to clay.travis@gmail.com