Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag. 

As always send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com

And as always if you are going to the Florida Gulf Coast on vacation then you should be staying at 30A cottages like me. Why stay in a hotel when you can stay in a mansion on the beach instead? Go here to book.

On to the anonymous mailbag:

“Clay, I’m in college now, but the other day my freshman high school biology teacher added me on snapchat. Every time I post a story, she starts snap texting me and will never let me go. She’s a solid 6-7. She’s married and has a daughter. I guess my question is, do I try an make a move on this and DBAP or do I pass? What’s my play here?”

Never make a move on a married woman. 

Ever. 

That goes double if she has kids.

Leaving aside the morality angle, her husband might kill you and you’re in college. You are surrounded by the greatest collection of available, single, attractive women that you’ll ever experience in your life. Why chase non-college aged women?

Now if your high school biology teacher gets divorced you’re obligated to try and bang her because it’s an incredible story to say you banged your ex-high school biology teacher. 

Based on the way she’s messaging you it’s possible she’s not married any longer. To test this I suggest you send her this Snap the next time she blows up your phone. “Are you still married? Because I’m trying to decide if we should have sex or not.”

“My girlfriend wants me to change my religion for her in order to get married but Mormons are weird. I really like this girl but don’t want to have to wear funny underwear for the rest of my life or give up drinking. What do I do?”

All religions are weird if you don’t grow up in them. Think about what Christians believe if you just heard about Christianity. “So you believe the Son of God was born in a manger to a virgin two thousand years ago? And that this dude named Jesus rose from the dead three days after he was crucified and ascended into heaven?”

I mean, let’s just take a step back and pretend that one of your buddies came to you and said, “So I’m dating this chick named Mary and we’ve never had sex before, but she’s pregnant now and she claims she’s still a virgin and that God made her pregnant. And I totally believe her because she would never lie to me. Should I stay with her?”

Every single person reading this would say no, right?

Yet that’s what happened to Joseph according to Christians. And everyone who is religious will get mad at me for saying I think it’s way more likely that Joseph and Mary were playing just the tip and Joseph got carried away and then later they decided to say God got Mary pregnant.

Forgive me for being skeptical, but I’m just not buying supernatural pregnancies.  

My point is simple — all religions require crazy, illogical leaps of faith. 

The crazy thing about the Mormon faith is it requires all these leaps of faith to happen AFTER AMERICA BECAME A COUNTRY. 

George Washington is older than Mormonism. 

So, anyway, if you really love this girl you become a Jack Mormon. There are plenty of people just like you, Mormons in name who continue to do non-Mormon things. For instance, you can still drink, not wear Mormon underwear and drink caffeine and call yourself a Mormon.

I’d be straightforward with your potential partner, tell her you’re fine with changing religions but you aren’t going to change your behavior when it comes to alcohol and underwear.

If she’s not okay with that and you truly aren’t willing to budge either that’s fine, but you guys need to break up. 

You could also do what most people do when it comes to religion, say you’re religious but only so you get more likes on your Facebook posts. Hell, this got Trump elected President. It’s not like you have to pass a test. (Note: you may have to pass a test to become Mormon, I have no idea. And if that’s the case there is no woman alive I would study to pass a religion test to marry. Not one.)  

I would, however, be fine doing what most people do when they change religions — don’t change your life at all but announce you’re now a new religion. 

At least that’s what I did when I became Muslim. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned since then it’s that most Muslims are very easy going and don’t take their religion that seriously.  

“What age do you think is the perfect age for a guy to see a range of women as attractive?

I remember being 18 and working at the grocery store where I didn’t find too many people over the age 25 very attractive. Now I am 37 and the 18-25 girls are still hot, and I see a ton of hot 25-35 moms. This is probably just me getting older. The point is my pool of hot women has never been bigger. Are we at the prime age for interpreting women as hot? Certainly a 60 year old dude doesn’t think 60 year old women are hot, right? So at what age does everything change?”

First, women have extended their hotness shelf life over the last twenty years. They’re all in so much better shape today than they were in the 1980’s. My wife is hotter now after three kids than she was when she was 25. I really believe that. And she was hot when she was 25 too. But she’s just hotter.

I’ve been married for 14 years now and I never would have thought my wife would be hotter approaching forty than she was when we were 25.

And it’s not just my wife. I swear to God all these Pilates and Soul Cycle and Orange Theory and whatnot classes have women in just incredible shape. They eat healthier and work out harder. It used to be that guys could extend their good looking shelf life much longer than women, but I think that age advantage is fading. 

In my neighborhood most moms have better asses than the high school girls. (Not that I’ve never noticed a high school girl having a good ass. That would be illegal and inappropriate and as regular readers of Outkick know I would never do anything inappropriate.) 

It’s uncanny. 

Moms also dress hotter now. In fact, go to the beach and pick out the moms from the college sorority girls. It’s damn near impossible. Hell, pick out the moms from the daughters. You can’t even do that now. Lots of moms look like sisters with their daughters.

They all dress the same and wear the same bathing suits. 

No mom wears mom jeans anymore. 

So I’m not sure what an average 22 year old guy thinks, but I think moms now are better looking than they were when you or I were in college.

Having said that, I think upper 30’s is the perfect age to be single for a guy. Sure, being 25 and single is awesome, but you probably didn’t have any money then and you’re just dating girls around your own age. Those girls are great, but your range is limited. By late 30’s you should be financially stable and if you’re a single guy you can date anyone from 24 to 40 or older. (I think most college girls who are willing to date guys in their upper 30’s probably have something wrong with them, but once you get a few years out of college plenty of girls are willing to kick boys their age to the curb in exchange for a better dating life with a richer dude.)

If my wife left me — I would never leave my wife, she’d have to leave me. It just seems like so much work to get divorced and I just don’t have the time or energy. — I don’t think I would get married again and I would only date 25-28 year old girls for the rest of my life. Some people would judge me for this and be like, “Clay, but the only reason those girls want to be with you is because you’re rich and (D league) famous.”

And I’d be like, “Do you think I care why they’re dating me?”

Guess what, the only reason I’d be dating them is because they’re hot. This is a transcation based on an even trade, they get access to (some) of my money and I get access to their hotness. That’s a perfectly equal contract. 

I don’t get this criticism either. Why do I care if someone is only dating me for my money? Should I want them to date me for my looks instead? For my dick jokes? For the anonymous mailbag? Why is any of that better? The entire purpose of being successful in life, from a biological perspective, is to get more attractive mates. Why would anyone complain that the only reason good looking girls like them is because they’re rich and successful? That’s the reason most men become rich and successful in the first place, to attract better women.

If every woman was equally attractive and every man could have as much sex as he wanted with all of these equally attractive women then we would all still be living in caves.

Biology ain’t stupid. 

“One of my friends recently admitted that he can only shit with his shirt off. He says that one time when he was little he wiped his ass and got shit on it, he was made fun of the rest of the day for it. So in an effort to ensure this never happens again this 35 year old dude is still to this day taking shits with no shirt on.

Upon his admission another guy age 37 admits the same thing. The rest of us in the group are completely dumbfounded. I have honestly NEVER heard of taking your shirt off to take a shit. In a small sampling 2 out of 8 guys shit with their shirts off, no matter in public or in their own homes. One of the guys has a suit and tie job! This blows my mind. He literally takes his shirt and tie off to shit at his office! This is so inconvenient in my opinion. So Clay set the record straight, do you shit with your shirt on or off? Is it normal to take your shirt off to shit?”

This question immediately reminds me of the “Seinfeld” episode where George gets busted doing the same thing so it must not be insanely uncommon.

Having said that, there’s no way that 25% of guys do this. I would guess it’s more like 5%. Probably even a smaller percentage do it outside their homes. 

Should I put up a poll question for Twitter? 

If I were the boss and found out that a guy who worked in my office took his shirt and tie off every time he went to the bathroom I might fire him on the spot. That’s psychotic behavior. 

I don’t know what else he’s into, but I’m sure it will probably end up getting the company in trouble one day. 

Think about how strange this conversation would be if you saw this guy retying his tie in front of the bathroom mirror. 

Me: “Forget your tie this morning?”

Him: “No, I just had to poop.”

Me: “You take your tie off when you poop?”

Him: “Yes, shirt and tie both.”

Sometimes it’s important to have pretend conversations where you explain the decisions you make to other people. 

See how ridiculous this conversation looks written out. If you wonder whether you are doing something weird just think about how you’d react if you had a conversation like this out loud.

That’s weird ass behavior. 

“I saw last week’s anonymous mailbag question about picking kids of hot moms for T-ball. I thought I should share the following story.

I moved to [Pleasantville] a few years ago and promptly signed my kid up for rec league baseball. We have a lot of former professional athletes in [Pleasantville] and a great High School football team. League sent an email out a few weeks after I signed my kid up and begged for parents to coach by laying on the guilt trip “Some kids won’t be able to have a team.” My wife tells me I have to coach and so a few days later, I am at a baseball draft for 8 year olds having never met or seen any of the kids play.

There were two guys at the draft coaching a team together. First, they were clearly 4-5 drinks in. Second, they were former NHL players. Their entire strategy for drafting kids was who had the hottest mom. They were pretty sure one kid “had two mommies”; they made sure and picked that kid.

Their team was awesome. They dominated. And then I realized these guys were on to something. Hot women like athletes; good athletes have kids that are good athletes. For one thing, it is genetics. For another, athletic dads are the ones playing catch in the back yard.

As kids get older, you actually have some skills and identifiable abilities to evaluate kids against each other. But for little kids, picking the kids of hot moms is good strategy.”

Richer the neighborhood, hotter the women. 

It’s infallible logic. 

And, honestly, it applies everywhere. Next time you’re in Vegas check out the women in the expensive hotels compared to the women in the cheap hotels. The lesson: Women chase money like men chase boobs and ass. It’s a neverending cycle. 

I remember the first time I noticed this. I was at an Atlanta Braves game and I was still a young kid, way before puberty. We’d snuck down closer to the field — a time honored tradition when your family didn’t have the money for the expensive seats — because the Braves sucked and no one was at their game. And we found ourselves in the players’ wives section. And I was still really young, but I noticed how pretty all the women werea around us and I pointed it out to my dad and he said, “There aren’t many major league baseball players with ugly wives.”

And there still aren’t.

Which reminds me, do you know when hot girl privilege starts? Before boys even realize it.

No joke — hotter the babysitter the better my boys behave for her. It’s uncanny. Doesn’t even matter how old all three of them have been, they do what the hot girl tells them to do.

Whenever we get an ugly babysitter I get in the car and turn to my wife as we’re leaving the house and say, “Gonna be a rough night for her.” 

“So my girlfriend works out a good amount, and is in shape. But she never lifts besides curls, and usually just runs or does some core. How can I get her to start lifting (aka squats) so her butt will start looking better? Not like her butt is bad, but if she goes to the gym that much she might as well be working the important areas and using her time effectively. Do I need to go to the gym with her and do the lifting so she does it too?” 

You should go to the gym with her, take her to the squat rack, and make it clear that lifting weights won’t turn her into an East German. Seriously, I think there are tons of women out there who are still afraid that if they lift weights they’re suddenly going to develop male bodies. That was the conventional wisdom twenty years ago. It sounds like your girlfriend still might be buying in. 

Your girlfriend isn’t going to suddenly get bulky unless she starts doing steroids and lifting all day long. 

Nowadays most women use weights and it’s why their bodies are all so incredible. 

I still think it’s kind of crazy that my wife who weighs 105 pounds is in there squatting like she’s a noseguard for the Ravens, but it’s true, the ass doesn’t lie. 

“Is it appropriate to wear swim trunks as shorts during the summer? Or is there some unwritten rule about this? You seem like the only person who would know the correct answer.”

Yes, it’s perfectly acceptable. 

The best summers I had were the ones from the ages of 16-22 or so when I always had a swimsuit in the car or whatever shorts I was wearing could also double as a swimsuit. (Remember when everyone wore athletic shorts around all day in the summer. Umbros or basketball shorts? Bang, you could play a sport or take off your underwear and be ready to go swimming too.)

I still wear shorts every day I can.

In fact, I’m writing the mailbag without pants right now. The moment I walk into my house I pretty much take my pants off.  

You remember how awesome that time of your life was? When you had to have a swimsuit with you all the time because you never knew when you might end up at a pool party? At that same time I had a football, a soccer ball, a basketball and a frisbee in the back of my car too just in case you and your buddies might decide to have an impromptu game.

Nowadays I have to send forty texts to get golf organized a week in advance. In fact, while I’m writing the mailbag I’ve gotten a bunch of golf texts. 

That’s because when you get to be a married dude scheduling any sports related activity is like planning a wedding. 

Before I was married I didn’t plan any leisure activity more than like four hours in advance, now I’ve got a goddamn calendar with things booked for 2018 already. 

Anyway, wear any type of shorts with pride. In fact, the more days you can wear shorts the better your life is. 

… 

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.