Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag. 

You guys are killing it with questions. Send your questions along to clay.travis@gmail.com and I guarantee total anonymity. 

On to the mailbag. 

“Ok, Relationship Guru, I have a tough one for you. I am a very normal, Christian, Southern male who is in a great marriage. I want to clarify we have no problems at all and could not be happier with our relationship, but something new has come up. My wife and I are considering adding a second wife to our family (as long as the other person would be on board with this.) I know this sounds insane b/c it goes against every other stereotypical marriage, but it started as a joke and sort of kept gaining steam. One day I just said “What if?” and my wife surprisingly answered “I think that would be pretty cool.”

So let’s move past the whole “Hell yea, sleeping with two chicks” part of this, because this is a much more serious question than that. Yes, that would be a great benefit, but I am talking about completely changing up my perfect marriage to have someone else enter our family. I have been going over pros and cons in my head and with my wife and I am thinking that the positive is going to outweigh the negative.

You know the strains of parenthood with multiple kids right now. Your life actually belongs to your children, which in no way is a problem, but think of the freedom you could bring into your life with one more adult to help with chores, children, etc. There would have to be a lot of rules and boundaries to set and communication in a relationship like this is key, but if we could handle the public stigma of being in a plural marriage, I really think this could work and be a great thing. I would love to hear your thoughts, pros and cons, and other entertaining rattle you may think about.

Also, this “third person” is someone we are both very close with and know that she works well with our personalities. It is not us looking for a third person as much as us wanting a relationship with this specific person. And no, my wife is not bi-sexual, for her this would strictly be like having her best friend as part of her family.

Also, two follow up questions:

How ridiculous is it that what I am talking about is currently illegal? Of course if you aren’t trying to create tax fraud and everything else is legit I think this is beyond ridiculous that you cannot have a family of more than two in this country.
How often do you sit back and think: “How the hell did my career, up to this point, lead to me to being the go-to relationship guy in the South?”

Okay, my first thought is, why not get a nanny or an au pair? You get all the benefits of help with the children, but the person isn’t in an actual relationship with you. If you can’t afford to do that, why would adding a second wife make financial sense? My second thought is, have you talked about kids? What if wife number two gets pregnant? How will you address that with your existing kids, what about with her life in the community? She may well be shunned by people who are uncomfortable with your lifestyle choices. 

Keep in mind that in all marriages your wife frequently hates you. Not necessarily in a — I’m thinking about putting the pillow on top of his face and smothering him while he sleeps, although that happens — but she’s mad at you a decent amount, right? Now you’re bringing in another woman, which means there are times when both of them will hate you and each other. Can you handle this? Can your kids? Not surprisingly, I think the success or failure of a plural marriage relies almost completely on the relationship between the women. So their relationship is actually much more important than your relationship with either of them. So choose wisely. Honestly, this should be your wife’s decision more than yours. 

Putting on my lawyer hat, how do you have any sort of legally binding relationship when plural marriage is illegal in the country? You can’t officially marry, so what sort of stable, guaranteed benefit does the second wife receive? If she’s looking for commitment from you guys — which makes sense because we’re talking about marriage — can you enter into some sort of binding relationship contract? Would any court enforce it if things went awry? I’m curious what legal methods you’d employ. Also, which lawyer you’d even contact about this. Clearly, a family lawyer, but I’d want to talk about the legalities for a variety of reasons.  

Now, my third thought is I don’t think this is totally crazy. Maybe it’s from watching “Big Love,” but I’m with you, if consenting adults want to be in a plural marriage and have the financial ability to independently live that lifestyle, why can’t they do it? Tons of single women reading this right now — based on the percentage of questions we receive, women LOVE the anonymous mailbag — know how few truly desirable men there are out there right now. I’m talking men with decent jobs, a sense of humor, ability to distinguish you’re from your, strong potential father attributes, a working penis, the absolute basics. There are so many more desirable women than there are desirable men. And how about the number of single parent women? Are you really saying that a plural marriage wouldn’t be better for those kids? A dad living at home — even with two wives — has to be better than no dad at home, right? So I’m with you, I don’t honestly see why this should be illegal. 

As for how I ended up in the place where a guy like you thinks, “I need to email Clay Travis about what he thinks about me starting a plural marriage,” I have no idea.

But I’m glad we’re here.  

“Hi.

I had a date with a stunner. Was cancelled because she got arrested for getting in a fight with another chick.

She is kinda white trash etc. She wants to reschedule for this weekend. I have my doubts about her sanity. Thoughts?

P.S. she is smoking donut grease hot.”

You’re not marrying her, go on the date. 

Any woman who will get arrested for fighting another woman, has to be incredible in bed.

Crazy, but incredible.

So use protection.  

Anonymous fellow sports media member asks this in the wake of Britt McHenry’s tape:

“If the worst thing any sports media member has ever done suddenly became public knowledge what percent of them would still have their job? What percent would be in jail?”

Okay, let’s stipulate that whatever it was has to have happened since that person turned 18. Let’s further stipulate that you can review the bad acts and decide which one is most likely to go viral on the Internet. For instance, if Britt McHenry had to pick between this video of her being mean to a parking lot attendant going viral or getting a DUI, she picks a DUI in a heartbeat, right? Sure, ESPN might suspend her for the DUI, but everyone forgets about it within a few hours. Provided she doesn’t ever get another DUI, no one cares about it for the rest of her career.

So the DUI is undoubtedly “worse,” but it would have much less Internet virality and less of an overall impact to her career. (Which is why I’ve been arguing social media anger is so absurd for years now). If you get to pick the worst possible thing for the Internet to know you did, I say that twenty percent are still employed and half are in jail. 

In a potential upset, I’d still be employed. I really haven’t done anything that bad. I’d tell you if I had. 

“My husband and I have been following you since you wrote Dixieland Delight. Every Tuesday night we discuss highlights from the anonymous mailbag. However, the fixation on blow jobs has us confused. Are you talking about a blow job from start to finish? Or just a warm up for sex? We are honestly shocked to think that most married women (if the mailbag is to be believed) aren’t giving their husbands any head. We have been married 10+ years and have many small children, so our sex life is what it is, but I always give my husband some warm-up head before we get down to business. I really can’t think of a time when I haven’t. So where have we (or I) gone wrong? Also, even if my husband asks for a blow job, he never wants one from start to finish – he’d rather finish with sex. I happen to know my blow jobs are above average so it’s not me. Is he abnormal? Please clarify as we are both confused.

PS – a second anonymous question: if a guy were to agree to the proposition of sex every day for a year in exchange for the dildo sex, does he require part of the payment up front or take his woman on good faith that she will live up to her agreement? I’m a girl, but if I were a guy agreeing to that trade, I would require at a minimum 3 months daily sex up front. Thoughts?”

You haven’t gone wrong at all, you are a saint.

I have no idea whether your husband is normal. Nor do most married men. Because we don’t get to choose between finishing with sex or a blow job. We’re just happy to have sex.

Your up front sex is a strong negotiating move. Very strong. Not surprisingly, most men weren’t smart enough to think of it.  

“Clay,

Please keep this anonymous as I have a lot of direct reports and I love my job. That being said I live in Ohio and most people in this state hate your guts and probably don’t read OKTC, but better safe than sorry.

I had an employee text me on a Sunday saying he was unable to come into the office due to personal issues. Monday comes and goes and I hear nothing from this guy. At 4am Tuesday I get a text stating that he was not coming in. At this point I am a little annoyed and I am telling myself lay off maybe he has cancer, lost a loved one who knows? After consulting HR we decide to try to get him on the phone to check him. Keep in mind my HR manager is a 55 year old Christian lady (sorry gay Muslim) who is very religious. As soon as he answers I could tell this was a bad idea. He was balling his fucking eyes out and just started screaming into the phone,  “She had an abortion! She had an abortion!”  

Before I could even get a word out the screaming continued from this guy. “My wife is a whore, she was banging two dudes at the same time, I found an abortion receipt! Some guy paid for it!” At this point my HR manager got up and left my office quickly. I was left solo to try to calm this guy down. Long story short he was out all week and when he returned he broke down crying every 10 minutes. I have two questions for you.

One: who gives you receipt for an abortion and why the hell would you keep it? Second question: The dude is still balling over a week later how the hell am I suppose to deal with this? Come on, you are a dude. Suck it up and get your shit together. Am I being reasonable?”

Okay, I’m fixated on the receipt here. 

Because every medical bill I’ve ever seen is broken down to such specific degree that there’s no way I even understand what I’m paying for. From the saline to the pain meds, I mean, if you ever have a kid go look at the itemization of your hospital stay bill. If you didn’t know you had a kid, I think it would be hard to tell exactly what medical procedure you were receiving. 

Having said that, maybe an abortion is different. Maybe they just stamp “abortion” in bright red letters on the procedure line and charge you for it with nothing else added on there. 

If that’s the case, let’s circle back around and I’m adding the all caps here for emphasis: HIS WIFE KEPT A SECRET ABORTION RECEIPT AND HE FOUND IT?!

Was she going to write it off for tax purposes?

I think this is the most diabolical I want a divorce move ever. Rather than just tell your husband that you want a divorce you let him find the abortion receipt and ask you about it. “Hey, honey, I was making cereal this morning and I couldn’t help but notice you left the receipt for your secret abortion on the kitchen counter.” Then you confess that you’ve been sleeping with two other guys and one of them paid for the abortion. (Why did he pay for the abortion, how did he know it was his? There are presumably three options here, right? Shouldn’t your secret lovers have split the abortion cost. This is why, by the way, I need a Judge Clay show, for cases like this.)

As for his work performance, dude, cut him a break. 

If he’s an otherwise good employee he just found out this his wife was cheating on him and had an abortion paid for by another man. He needs to just move out of the house and start his life completely over. That’s gotta be tough. I understand that you want him to get his shit together, but how many guys are going to be great at their job the week after discovering this?

Show some empathy, maybe even suggest somewhere he can get counseling? He’ll bounce back, but this is a long road. 

Let me repeat this for you: HE FOUND AN ABORTION RECEIPT IN HIS HOUSE.

“I want to start off by saying I absolutely love anonymous mailbag Tuesdays! Really gives me something to look forward to while busy at work 🙂

My husband and I have been married for 8 years but have been together since high school. I would say we have a pretty good sex life compared to most married couples with kids minus one issue, I NEVER receive any pleasure on my end during sex. I have talked to him about this and have made some suggestions on how to help the situation, but so far nothing. I have even been desperate enough to wait until he falls asleep and just pleasure myself. My question is: Do men mind if women pleasure themselves during sex? Lately I have been doing it and the sex has been fantastic for me, finally! He hasn’t said that he doesn’t like it but in the back of my mind I feel like it’s some kind of blow to his ego? I worry that he thinks, “Oh, so I am not good enough and she just has to do the job herself?” Or is he just glad he doesn’t have to bother with it?”

Most men are in favor of anything that makes their wives more likely to have sex with them.

This also has the added benefit of also being incredibly hot to watch. And he’s still doing something here, right? This is more like a tag team orgasm partnership than anything else. You just get the pin. 

If you’re really concerned about how he feels — honestly, why should you be if it has taken eight years to get here? — just compliment his penis. I’ve said this before, but if a woman compliments a man’s penis, he doesn’t hear anything else for the rest of sex. Even if it’s a lie — and it will be — he has the biggest penis you’ve ever seen and it’s the perfect size for you. 

Say this and you’re golden. 

Hi Clay –

“Let’s say one got the following email from an ex and even though she has no intention of returning to a relationship with this level of crazy, she is still sad about the breakup (even though she initiated it) and needs closure. Is there anything you would tell her to make her feel better about her decision to cut ties with him?

“Dearest _____

I have a proposal for you. You know that I am not a true believer in your God as you have come to know. If you really believe that there is a single chance for true love between us then I would like you to prove it. I will have dinner with you Friday night at _____. We will have dinner then sleep together. As many times as you would like. If from that evening you get pregnant then I will believe that we are meant to be together. I will propose to you and spend my life with you. This is the last opportunity I will take to let you prove it to me. I have a hard time believing that you truly love me and that there is some divine reason we should be together but I am willing to let you prove it to me. I do not expect a reply to this email. In fact I don’t want one. I will wait patiently at the bar for you on Friday night at 5pm to 6pm. If you do not show then I will know exactly your response and what you want. Please do not call or text me. I just want to wait and see.”

This dude is batshit crazy. 

And possibly still living in 1846. Seriously, who writes like this today?

Stay. Away. From. Him. Forever.

…

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to clay.travis@gmail.com

Anonymity guaranteed.