Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag. 

Send your questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed. 

And, remember, why stay in a tiny hotel room on the beach when you can stay in a mansion instead? Check out 30acottages.com for your next trip to the Florida Gulf Coast. Use the code “outkick” when booking to save 5%.

Okay, here we go with the mailbag:

“How hard do you think it is for LeBron not to come back from his “zero dark 30″ social media hiatus for the playoffs to talk about how he hates the Cleveland Easter shooter more than everybody else?”

Legit made me spit out my drink. 

The best part about LeBron’s social media hiatus during the playoffs — which is a total lie — was when he got caught breaking it by liking the Instagram account of a girl with a fabulous ass two years ago. And then how that girl said that she took LeBron liking her ass as a sign from God that she shouldn’t go to vet school and should become a pro ass model instead.

All of this really happened.  

“I’m a girl and I need your help figuring out whether or not it’s appropriate for me to attend my buddies bachelor party. I know I sound like every other “cool chick” on the planet, but for all intense and purposes I really am considered one of the guys in my friend groups. My father never had sons and took the liberty to raise me as one. Also, in the looks department, I am probably a solid 7? I think? Could lose a little weight but I have great boobs so why worry? That type of chick.

My buddy from high school is getting married next year and has asked me to be one of his groomsman. Lacking trust in the other groomsman’s organizational abilities, he has asked me to plan the bachelor party in Denver this winter/next spring.

The only problem I may run into is my boyfriend. We have been together for a little over a year. He is a couple years older and much more conservative/traditional than I am. In his mind, I am “dishonoring” our relationship by spending a weekend smoking weed/drinking beer/trying not to break something while skiing. He doesn’t believe that platonic male/female relationships exist, which I write off as an insecure thing.

What do you think? Is it weird for a chick to go to a bachelor party? Do platonic friendships exist?”

I don’t believe platonic male/female friendships exist because I think at any given time one person is always thinking about banging the other person. Usually that person is the guy. Put simply, I don’t think there is a single straight guy alive who wouldn’t bang his “best girlfriend” if she’s hot and willing to sleep with him without his attempt to sleep with her being insanely awkward. Add in alcohol and this becomes 100% true.

In fact, I don’t even know your good guy friend at all, but I bet if you got drunk and tried to sleep with him he would sleep with you. That’s because most guys spend so much time trying to get girls to sleep with them that they are totally defenseless when a girl tries to sleep with them. 

So I don’t think you’re “dishonoring” the relationship by going to the bachelor party, but I do think your fiance is right to the extent he’s arguing that your presence changes things at the bachelor party. Not because of anything you’re actually doing, but just because when groups of guys drink they chase girls. (Particularly if they have good boobs.) The only way to change this is to put the group of guys out in a remote cabin or on a camping trip with no women present. Your boyfriend believes, I think accurately, that if you go on this trip at some point there will be a guy or guy(s) trying to hook up with you.

That’s why, call me a caveman, I think bachelor or bachelorette parties should be all male or all female. I believe the mere presence of the opposite sex, even if they are perfectly cool themselves, fundamentally alters the event calculus of the group. That’s also why I ridiculed Deadspin’s endorsement of coed bachelor parties which was the article that effectively marked the site as dead to anyone who doesn’t tearfully masturbate while thinking about misogyny when they watch porn.  

This may be a totally absurd compromise, but is it possible for you to plan the skiing trip and then make the trip with your boyfriend? That is, the two of you turn it into a couples trip and also spend some time hanging out with the bachelor party, but not all the time?

This might also be an awful idea since your boyfriend might kill the bachelor party vibe and hate the idea.

But it’s the best compromise I can come up with. 

Having said that, I’m also a traditionalist in the sense that I think it’s weird to have female groomsmen or male bridesmaids. It just seems like it’s trying way too hard to be inclusive. Just have a ten minute ceremony and then get married, asshole. I don’t need to see a ton of groomsmen or bridesmaids involved in a ceremony and I certainly don’t need you to make a big show of what a good girl friend you have. 

“My 6 year old son’s T-ball draft is tonight. Am I wrong in making the hotness of any kid’s mom an important factor in whether or not I draft said kid? It’s a small town, so I know must of the parents. I’m not looking to hook-up with any moms, but why not surround yourself with MILFs if you can, ya know?”

I’m coaching six year old baseball right now and 99% of the entire coaching process is how seriously do you take it? Like, how loudly can you yell at someone else’s kid on second base who is playing in the dirt instead of running to third when the ball gets hit?

This reminds me of playing baseball myself when I was eight years old and my friend’s dad was coaching third base and one of the kids on my team wasn’t watching him and he was trying to wave him home to score and the kid just stopped and he grabbed him by the shoulder and shoved him towards home. And there was a rule back then that you couldn’t touch the kids and so the ump called out the runner because the third base coach touched him. 

And the third base coach was mortified. 

But now that I’m coaching kids I can totally see how this happens. 

BECAUSE THESE FUCKING KIDS WON’T FUCKING LISTEN TO YOU. 

Last fall I was coaching six year old basketball and not one kid on the entire team would get back on defense and stop the ball. They just let the guy with the ball take off the other direction and go right to the basket. So one game we were just getting murdered by the only kid on the court who could dribble and shoot lay ups — this fucking kid was the LeBron James of suburban Nashville six year old basketball — he’s got like 20 and 10 at halftime, which given the fact that teams average about 14 points in a game is the equivalent of scoring 400 points and pulling down 250 rebounds in an NBA game — and I’m just pulling my hair out on the bench yelling, “GET BACK ON DEFENSE!”

And nobody on the team would listen. Or even understand the concept of stopping the ball before the other team shoots a layup. The only three guys who were willing to defend are all worried about finding their man at halfcourt while a layup is getting shot.

I don’t know how some of these coaches have such well oiled six year old machines. I think they must be giving their kids adderall.  

Because we played one six year old team in baseball a couple of weeks ago and I swear to God they were fielding ground balls and throwing lasers to first base. One time I heard the coach yell, “Turn two.”

Turn two motherfucker? Are you kidding me? And I turned to another coach on our team and I said, “We are fucked.”

So we don’t keep score, but it’s like 106-3 in the second inning and then this six year old kid hit a goddamn homerun. 

Like a legitimately over the fence homerun. 

We don’t have a kid on our team that has ever even hit the ball in the air to the outfield. And this cock strong six year old just went yard?! As he’s jogging around the bases AFTER HITTING AN OVER THE FENCE HOME RUN IN SIX YEAR OLD COACH PITCH BASEBALL I am sitting there thinking, “This kid is going to fuck so many chicks before his baseball career is over.”

Hell, he may have already lost his virginity. I know the math is tough to figure out, but he may have even fathered a couple of kids on our team, including mine.  

And I’m sitting there thinking can you be jealous of a six year old boy’s future sex life? Is this wrong to even think about? Because I’m pretty sure I was jealous. 

The next time this kid came up he hit a line drive off our shortstop’s chest. For a minute I was afraid the six year old’s heart was going to stop beating. This cock strong six year old is out here about to kill other six year olds. And I’m thinking can you intentionally walk a kid in coach pitch? Can you make his own coach walk him? Is there a rulebook prohibiting this?

Anyway, pick the hot moms, that’s totally acceptable. 

P.S. I may be biased and it’s possible this is just #hotmomprivilege, but it seems like the hot moms are the best with snacks too. 

“I was a DA in Dallas for a year and saw jury pools every single day. Not one hot chick that I can remember. Several hot defendants and they were all found not guilty. Hot girl privilege.”

This is why DAs don’t ever take cases involving hot teachers who sleep with teenage boys to juries — because there’s no man on the jury who will convict her. 

All the men on the jury are jealous of the high school kid. 

Seriously, if you poll the jury beforehand — and the jury was honest — you could just say, “How many men on this jury pool jerked off at some point in time to your hot high school teacher?”

Every hand goes up. 

“Now imagine if that hot high school teacher had been willing to sleep with you, would you think she should go to jail for that? Raise your hand if you do.”

You could poll an entire city and not one straight man would raise his hand. 

No way you’re getting a conviction here.  

“Recently my buddy (recent college graduate) has gotten into a fairly serious relationship with a girl who is still in college. She is a nice girl with a definite crazy side. Like most straight males, he watches porn. Not a big deal right? Well according to the crazy-college-aged girlfriend she considers watching porn “emotional cheating”. He told her it is strictly when she isn’t around and to make sure he isn’t a two-pump chump when she is there. She didn’t buy it, and presented an ultimatum: it’s either me or porn.

I think it is a good idea to point out that this man (and our friend group) watches a decent amount of porn. We all put up about $7 to $10 each year to get a subscription account which quite possibly might be the best investment I make on a year-to-year basis. Huge inventory of videos, multiple categories, and my favorite feature: the ability to download videos so I am never held back by the strength of wifi.

Back to the story. He asks for advice. I have never thought of it like that, so I get our buddies together and we ask our girlfriends for help. The consensus is clear: it’s not “emotional cheating” and this girl is semi-nuts. In my girlfriend’s infinite wisdom, she suggests asking Clay Travis for advice.

So here we are at the altar of a wise, gay Muslim. What should our friend do? Is watching porn actually emotionally cheating? Is this girl just crazy? Am I a despicable human?”

He should break up with her.

In so doing he should say, “Just to be clear, you asked me to pick porn or you and I am choosing porn over you. And just so you know in the future, any man who claims that he is picking you over porn is lying. Good luck.”

This isn’t just about the porn, by the way, any girl who makes a demand like this isn’t really looking for the porn to disappear, she’s looking to completely control her partner. 

Don’t be a pussy, leave now. 

“I’ve been a hospital administrator for going on 10 years at various hospitals throughout the US (West & South). You would not believe the amount of issues attractive nurses cause in hospitals. It creates nightmare scenarios that can severely impact patient care and have huge PR issues. There is a reason that TV dramas are made about hospitals.

For instance, at the first hospital I ever worked in, myself and another administrator had to sit down a young surgeon (who was single) to tell him to quit banging the hot operating room nurses. At one point, he had three of them on the hookup rotation, simultaneously. Eventually, as it always does, it got out and these ladies all began refusing to work together. Now we couldn’t fill OR rotations, had to cancel surgeries, hell even the surgeon began having more performance/quality issues because of the stress and working with unfamiliar nurses and techs. It literally was costing us business. So, we sit this guy down and tell him “Dude, your dick is wreaking havoc.” We got it under control, and he started banging nurses who worked the inpatient floors instead. All is well that ends well.”

The doctor who was banging three nurses on his OR staff?

He hit over the fence homeruns in six year old coach pitch. 

Zero doubt. 

“Two years ago I had one of the more bizarre nights of my life. It was a normal Saturday and I had plans to meet up with some friends at a bar later that evening. Having a few hours to kill prior to meeting them, and having just gone through a breakup a few weeks before, I decided to drop by the casino to do a little gambling and just take the edge off after a stressful few weeks.

As I arrived at the casino floor, I decided to get a drink first and proceeded to the nearest bar. I was there for about five minutes before some small talk started before me and a MILF about 7 years my senior (I was 26 at the time). A few minutes later, a guy who is probably mid-40’s comes over and joins in the conversation. Turns out this gentleman is the woman’s husband.

The guy is in a great mood and the conversation between the three of us is friendly. Eventually the two of them accompany me at a blackjack table. We probably play for like a half hour, and her luck isn’t great. She decided she’d rather go get another drink instead of waiting for a server and asks me if I’d like to go back over to the bar with her. I’m intrigued by this whole situation so I oblige.

Back at the bar, she tells me she hasn’t been with anyone except her husband since she was 18. She says that her and her husband recently watched Fifty Shades of Grey and I guess that led to them sharing their deepest fantasies with each other. She tells me they’ve got a room at the casino’s hotel and that the husband is on board to let her fuck a guy that is not him. Essentially she had a hall pass that night if he was cool with the guy that was chosen and wanted her to live out her fantasy.

The guy is still over at the blackjack table, and being a little skeptical about how legit this is (and certainly trying to mitigate any risk of waking up in a bathtub without a kidney), I asked her if we could go back over to the table and I could confirm that I have the green light to take her up to their room. I basically did some sort of nod or something with this guy to ensure we were cool. Once I was confident I wasn’t destroying a marriage, she and I left the casino for the room. The guy stayed and continued to gamble.

Up in the room, she gives me probably the best head of my life. Girls clearly hit their stride in their early 30’s in that department. She then provided a condom for sex. After we finished, we took a shower together, got dressed, and then I walked her back to her husband. After we said our goodbyes, I left the casino and met my friends at the bar as planned, not speaking a word of the encounter. I finally revealed the story to them about a week ago.

If her fantasy night out was having a hall pass to hook up with a random younger guy, I’ve got to wonder what this guy was going for to allow her to do this. Got to be a threesome with her and one of her friends, right?”

Amazing story. 

This is a fascinating question, if your wife’s fantasy was to pick up a random young guy at a casino and have sex with him — by the way, how easy was that fantasy to pull off for her? I just want to have anonymous sex with a hot stranger who I’ll never have to see again, what a coincidence, your fantasy is the same of every man’s fantasy ever — what’s a fair trade for a guy?

I think it’s got to be a threesome. 

But what if his fantasy was the exact same as hers? It takes her 45 minutes on the casino floor to make her fantasy happen. Meanwhile they have to go get a hotel room and stay in the casino for like six months in a row before he convinces a 64 year old missing three teeth to sleep with him.

Eventually this guy’s wife would just hire a prostitute for him just so she could stop going to the casino. “Wow, you picked her up? Really good job hunny!” 

And does it ever happen without 50 Shades of Grey? How many children are the direct result of that trilogy? And how much extra sex happened as a result of that book too? Is this the most sex ever caused by a pop culture creation? I think so. 

Also, how often are married couples out picking up single guys? Judging by the emails I get this happens all the time.

…

Okay, you perverts, send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity assured,