Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag. 

As always you can send your questions in all week long to clay.travis@gmail.com and I’ll maintain your anonymity. 

The anonymous mailbag has become so wildly popular because of your questions, so keep them coming. 

Here we go:

“About two years ago, my buddies and I went to Florida for spring break. On the way back, we stopped at a gas station in Alabama. We were poking fun at one guy that was with us for not knowing who certain famous athletes were (we give a lot crap to this guy for being sports illiterate). We asked him while we were in the Alabama gas station, who Bo Jackson was? He stated aloud, “Wasn’t he the first black hockey player?” Needless to say, he said it loud enough that every head in that gas station turned. The clerk who was an old lady exclaimed, “You don’t know who Bo Jackson is?!?!” One guy even stated, “Get the hell out of here, you’re in Alabama.” I’m pretty sure since then he has made every effort to become competent in sports.

Clay, can you believe that there are 22 year old men that don’t know who Bo Jackson is? Were we too harsh on him at the time? Is it blasphemy to walk into an Alabama gas station and not know who Bo is?”

That’s incredible.

I also love the hypothesis that Bo Jackson was the first black hockey player. Because in thinking about it, if Bo Jackson were born in Russia because his parents rejected American life in favor of communism, don’t you think he could have been a bad ass hockey player? Maybe one of the greatest hockey players of all time?

I think he could have.

His speed on the ice would have been legendary, his ability to switch directions and power in his hips were off the charts. I think he could have been a hall of famer in hockey, and maybe the best hockey player of all time. 

I can empathize with your buddy here because I was totally uninterested in music in 7th grade and I remember how awkward the conversation was for me whenever people talked about their favorite songs, bands, or artists. I remember one day in 7th grade English class everyone was talking about their favorite singers and somehow Mariah Carey came up and I said, “Who?”

And it was a record scratch moment in the class, every head turned in my direction and everyone was like, “You don’t know who Mariah Carey is?!”

So I lied and said, “Oh, Mariah Carey, yeah, I know her. I thought you said someone else.” (Which was the lamest lie ever. What else even sounds like Mariah Carey?)

Because, clearly, not knowing Mariah Carey back in 1992 was akin to having head lice in seventh grade. You were just done for it that shit got out. 

I still don’t know that much about music. I’m probably the only American in his 30’s who has never purchased a CD and still hasn’t ever bought a song on iTunes. (I’ve also never boiled water in my life so I’m a bit kooky). I mean, I know popular music — that is, the music I grew up listening to in high school, college, out at bars and when I drive around in my car — and let me tell you, I LOVE MARIAH CAREY TODAY — but that’s about it. I’m not a buy music and listen to it kind of guy. For whatever reason whenever music comes on, I totally tune it out and disappear inside my own head. I’m the person who can go to dinner with a band playing beside them and not recall a single song that was played during the entire time we were out at dinner. Or even remember that a band was playing at all.  

Anyone reading this right now who doesn’t like something incredibly popular has found him or herself in this situation. (The worst are the kids whose parents didn’t let them have television growing up. Because those kids didn’t even get to make the decision themself. Can you imagine the middle school hell of never having seen “The Cosby Show,” “Full House” “Saved by the Bell,” or “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air,” if you were in my generation?)

I have a couple of good guy friends who just don’t care about sports and they’ve confessed to having to fake interest in sports for years. They memorize a couple of anecdotes, drop those into the conversation, — one of my friends confessed that all he knows about college football is that Nick Saban and Urban Meyer are the two best coaches and he just asks who everyone thinks is the better coach and then drops out of the conversation while they debate it — and prays that the conversation doesn’t stay focused on sports for that long. Because even as an adult he feels strange having to admit that he doesn’t like sports.  

“Clay –

My family and I just moved into our house within the last year and plan on staying there until our young children are out of school and on “there” own. We love the area and our neighborhood as a lot of similar family make ups are around us.

What’s the problem you may ask? Terrific question.

I had a very vivid sex dream about one of our neighbors. Now, whenever I see her while our kids play and hang out, I can’t get it out of my head. Not to mention, she’s only like a 6.5 or 7. My wife is a 9. I probably had this dream since the activity in our bedroom has slowed because life happens but it won’t get the hell out of there. The last thing I want to do is sit around drinking outside with all the families in the neighborhood and do or say something stupid. But, at the same time, whenever you get a song stuck in your head, you have to listen to that song to wash it out, right?

I can only assume that we all plan on being there for years and this will eventually subside. But, if there were some hot pool boy or gardener that you could relate to having feelings for, how would you handle it? If at all?”

There’s a reason why the ten commandments include, “Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife.”

Because there’s nothing new under the sun and men (and women) have been having dreams like yours since we evolved into humans and became able to fantasize. 

Having said all that, you’ll probably have another dream about somebody else’s wife before long and start thinking about someone else. The easiest thing to do is realize that your neighbor’s wife, just like your own wife, probably wouldn’t like you very much either once she started living with you. 

“Please don’t post my real name or email as a lot of my co-workers read your work, wasting many hours per week.

So ever since you set the o/u for the number of times married couples with kids have sex per week at 2.5, my wife has been determined to make sure we win the over (hell yeah). We’ve been married 5 years and have a 3 year old and 1 year old so a quick game of “just the tip” must be planned out. Tuesday during the day she started sending me naughty messages and we planned on getting it on after the kids went to bed. Well, as most things go with kids, that didn’t happen and we had to reschedule. Fast forward to yesterday evening when I get home from work and this conversation takes place:

Wife – “Did you make the bed?”
Me – “No, why”
Wife – “Well, since I thought we were going to get it on last night I put my toy (vibrator) under my pillow.”
Me – “And?”
Wife – “When I got home today, the cleaning lady had come over, put on new sheets and my toy was on the night stand….”
Me – dying in laughter to the point of crying

Our cleaning lady is this sweet 70 year old woman. What are the chances she knows what a 7 inch pink vibrator is? My wife is now thoroughly embarrassed, yet all I can think of is this:

What’s the best way to handle this situation with our cleaning lady? Pretend it didn’t happen?”

First, your cleaning lady knows what a vibrator is. The ancient Greeks and Romans had dildos. But if your cleaning lady somehow had never seen or heard of a vibrator before, she probably has a pretty good sense what a seven inch pink penis shaped object in the bed is used for. 

Second, you never say anything to her. What would you say to her? “Just so you know, we were planning on having sex and my wife was going to use that pink object to make herself more excited about our sexual activity than she otherwise would have been.” There’s nothing you can say that isn’t incredibly awkward. 

Third, not to diminish the sex you’re having, but setting the over/under at 2.5 sex acts a week for a couple with young children is probably the most controversial odds I’ve ever set. The under got hammered on that line. I think it’s more like 1.5 a week. 

“Clay,

My college roommate is getting married this summer in Nashville (haven’t been since Steeplechase 2013 where I was fortunate enough to witness the infamous girl fight, so pumped to go back). I’m in the wedding and have gotten to know the bride-to-be fairly well over the past few months.

She texted me a few days ago asking if any of the groomsmen were planning a “Man Shower”. So I pulled up an Incognito window and took the risk of Googling the term to find out exactly what it is. From what I got, in addition to the Bachelor Party, there is a growing trend that the groomsmen throw the bachelor a men-only Man Shower where people bring the groom manly gifts (tools, toolboxes, anything “manly” on the registry). Basically a bridal shower, but for men. This brings me to a couple questions:

1. Is there any way a guy would actually want this even thrown for them? Or is this just brides wanting to have even more social media driven ancillary events leading up to the wedding?

2. Was this the bride asking me to put together a Man Shower? I share your distaste for any and all events/showers leading up to weddings (with the exception of actual bachelor parties, of course) and have absolutely zero desire to plan, let alone attend a Man Shower.

3. Can nobody come up with a better term than “Man Shower” for this event?”

I’m pro dadchelor party — the trip a first time dad gets to take with his buddies before he has a kid and never gets to sleep or hang out with his friends anymore — but what does a man getting married really need?

I mean you already have the bridal shower and the wedding registry, I can’t conceive of anything that anyone could have given me before I got married that I really needed at a “Man Shower.”

And, you’re right, the “Man Shower,” is never catching on so long as it’s called a “Man Shower.” This just sounds awful to anyone, male or female. 

Now if we all just agree right now that the “Man Shower” is a made up reason that allows married men — the guys who have the least social freedom — to suddenly be able to play the, “Sorry, honey, I’ve got to go to this Man Shower today,” and once you get there you just drink and hang out and everybody chips in $10 and buys you a tool box so you have something to show for your day’s activities, I’m all for it. 

But actual present obligations and a party?

Come on, that’s absurd. 

…

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to clay.travis@gmail.com. As always, anonymity guaranteed.