Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday and time for the anonymous mailbag. I’m currently writing the anonymous mailbag from my parent’s house because the interrnet isn’t working at my house. This is the only thing that can happen at my house that throws me into a murderous rage. I don’t understand how or why the Internet just stops randomly working. 

To me the internet should be like water or electricity, imagine if you went to go fill up a glass of water and every now and then your water just didn’t work. Or if the electricity didn’t work at random times. I mean, we’re talking about America here, not some third world banana republica. We should have water, electricity and the internet all of the time. No excuses.

To hell with all the other promises political candidates make, just guarantee me that the Internet will never stop working at my house and I will vote for you forever. 

Anyway, on to the anonymous mailbag.

“As a married father in my early 30’s, I’ve noticed a strange shift in my porn preference over the past 3 or 4 years. I now find myself leaning toward the average looking female who resembles someone I might see while dropping my toddler off at daycare rather than the hot college chick porn I’ve enjoyed for so long. My only theory is for this change is that hot college chicks are so far out of my attainable realm that my mind can’t even find stimulus in imagining this scenario. Is this normal? I’m afraid to ask this, but at this rate, what kind of porn will I be watching in 30 years?”

I think this is pretty common, milf is evidently the most popular category in all of porn. I suspect some young guys like milf porn, but I think the majority of milf viewers are married dudes who are surrounded by hot moms all day.

Personally I like the amateur porn categories more than I do the pro categories. It doesn’t surprise me that if you pay someone enough money they’ll have sex on camera for money. That’s the purpose of capitalism, pay people enough and they’ll do anything legal. (The really crazy thing to me has always been the number of hot women that will have sex on camera for $1k or so. Really, that’s all it costs?) But what I’m after is the love of the game factor, the girl who does porn just because she loves sex, not to make money. 

Is that too much to ask for?

I don’t think you’ll move too far afield from your current interests because I suspect that granny porn is a tiny, tiny niche. 

“I am writing to you for advice. Last weekend I hooked up with my best girlfriend who I am secretly in love with when we were both very drunk at my apartment. We woke up the next morning as if everything was all normal and have not spoken about our antics since. I am not sure if she was so blackout drunk that she doesn’t remember hooking up with me or if our hookup is the elephant in the room that neither of us want to bring it up first. Should I bring it up and ask if there is something there or just continue with our friendship as if nothing ever happened? Or should I just try to hookup with her again this weekend and see where it goes?”

What were you wearing when you woke up? There had to be some clothes removal, right? Does she usually spend the night at your place? That’s also a pretty decent clue. My guess is she knows what happened between the two of you and is trying to avoid a conversation because she thinks you just want to be friends with benefits. (Or maybe she wants to be friends with benefits and thinks you do too.)

Either way being the person in the relationship who first expresses interest in being more than friends is tough. You have two options: 1. you can be an adult and tell her you really like her as more than than a friend — I wouldn’t admit to loving her yet regardless of whether that’s true. 2. you wait to drink again and then hook up a second time and have the conversation after you hook up.

I’d counsel taking step number one.

Good luck.  

“Ok, so my wife and I are expecting a child. Afterwards, my wife is going to purchase some fake boobs. We have discussed it, she wants them, I want them. It is happening.

I honestly don’t understand why a woman with small boobs wouldn’t get fake boobs. Honestly, it is socially acceptable. It is the easiest way to move up the attractiveness scale. The only reason I see for a woman to refrain from getting fake boobs is if she already has fake boobs.

Anyways, my friend’s wife has a really nice set of fake boobs. Not too big, and they look good, proportional, perky, like pretty high quality job.

How do I go about asking my friend which boob doctor his wife went to in order to achieve the boob greatness that she has? While you’re answering this, there are probably Outkick readers who want to know how to approach the topic of fake boobs with their ladies. My wife is all about it, but I know some buddies who do not have wives who accepting of such an idea.

Another thought, why hasn’t the doctor who invented breast implants received a Nobel Prize? I mean, that is one of the greatest marvels in medicine. It obviously has contributed to world peace. Guys can’t stay mad at a lady with big titties.

For someone who only has 2 main positions, the first amendment and boobs, these questions are very pertinent to the future of the human race.”

If your wife wants boobs she should just call your friend’s wife and ask who the doctor was. This is how most women end up getting boobs, via referral from other women who already have boobs. (And the percentage of women over thirty with household income over $100k who have new boobs is astounding. They all get them. Boobs are undefeated. USA, USA< USA!)

My wife recently got her boobs returned to the same shape and size they were before my three boys sucked them dry. And it’s fantastic. She went to Dr. Gilmer in Nashville. He’s a boob artist. And I didn’t even have to pay for her boobs. You know you’re making good decisions in life when a doctor’s office calls and asks if they can give your wife free boobs in exchange for you doing a boob advertisement on the radio. I mean, find me another guy in media who has pulled this off.  

By the way, hate to get all PC bro on you here, but there is no such thing as “fake boobs.” Adopt this as your life mantra: If it’s in the skin, it’s real. You don’t call a new knee a “fake knee” or a new hip a “fake hip.” Same with “fake boobs,” that’s hate language bro, they’re just boobs, beautiful, glorious boobs.  

I agree with you about the Nobel prize to the guy who invented fake boobs; this guy has made more couples happy than any doctor — other than the dude who discovered Viagra.

Also, imagine how much money would be spent if guys could get dick jobs as easily as women can get boob jobs. Can you imagine if you could add three or four inches and as much girth as you wanted for like $10k? Zero doubts that guys would spend billions a year on dick jobs. In fact, there have to be guys spending all their research time right now trying to perfect dick jobs, right? Absolute gold mine out there in dicks.   

“My buddies and I are seniors in college and like any other guys our age, we’re 14 years old at heart. We have a Facebook group that is called “the group project” to conceal our sexual deviance. Basically, we use this group to share pornstars and videos that we discover with our buddies for time saving purposes and because we think it’s fucking hilarious. We rank pornstars, analyze their performances, I’m including a few screenshots so you can see the kind of filth we post on there.

Anyway, you can probably see where this is headed. The creator of the group was caught slipping, and left his Facebook logged in on his girlfriends computer. She read all our postings and lost her fucking mind about it. She won’t talk to him, thinks it’s disgusting, mysogonistic, etc, etc. She doesn’t believe this is normal behavior as much as we say guys do this shit and very likely thinks we’re all complete perverts (not debating this). So here is my series of questions. 1) How do we get her to let us keep the group? 2) What the hell is he supposed to say to her without apologizing? because that isn’t gonna happen. 3) How do we stop her from telling all her friends?”

If you let your girlfriend dictate either the porn you watch or the conversations you can have with your friends, then you need to find a new girlfriend. (Or boyfriend for that matter). 

If I were your friend I would sit down the girlfriend and say this, “I jerk off while looking at porn. So does every other guy on this entire campus. If they say they don’t, they’re lying to you. I also talk about the porn that I like with my friends. Often in a joking manner. You say you want an honest guy, well this is me being completely honest with you. If that’s unacceptable then we both need to find someone else. Also, since you decided to read through my Facebook pages, I’d like to read every Facebook message you’ve ever sent to your girlfriends and every text message as well. I might find some of them inappropriate too. Maybe you’re the pervert.”

Bang, power moves only. 

“You are one of the trendsetters and early adopters of reaching your audience via Periscope. Some others I follow will broadcast often, but they usually just stare at the screen and wait for questions. You seem to have plan and are a joy to watch.

My question is this: What’s acceptable/What do you expect to be broadcast on Periscope? Is it foolish for people to “go live” with their morning work commute?

I ask because I had a dream that I was Periscoping my wife delivering our first child (she would kill me) and wondered if it had been done and what the reaction was/would be. Over the shoulder only, right?”

You can Periscope or Facebook live anything, there are no rules. I’m in the entertainment business so my goal is pretty simple with Outkick the Show, be entertaining. How do I define what’s entertaining? I try to be smart, original and funny with everything I do. I don’t always succeed, but that’s the goal. 

And this past month Outkick the Show had over 2.6 million live streams. So thanks to you guys we’re kicking ass there. 

If I was just a regular guy or girl who didn’t make a living online, I’d use Periscope or Facebook with the goal of entertaining my friends and family instead of a larger audience. Kind of the same way, to honest, that most people use Snapchat now. 

Having said that, I think it’s fine to record the birth of a child for your own personal joy, but I wouldn’t broadcast that live. But that’s just me, the great thing about Periscope and Facebook live is that everyone can make his or her own decisions about what to share. 

“Why is Black Lives Matter not condemning the Will Smith murder and calling for change? It is by (most accounts) an innocent black man that had his life taken far too soon. Isn’t this supposed to be the fundamental basis of the group?”

Black Lives Matter only cares if black guys are killed by white people. This represents a tiny percentage of black murders, but that’s their focus. The vast, vast majority of black men, like Will Smith, sadly, are killed by other black men. But in all facets of life it’s much easier to blame outside forces than it is to take personal responsibility for your own actions.

Can you imagine the reaction if a white dude had killed Will Smith? Or, god forbid, a white cop? Black lives matter would be in an uproar. But when a black guy kills another black guy they don’t do anything.   

The simple truth is this, black lives matter, by focusing on a tiny percentage of rare and uncommon deaths, has actually managed to destroy their biggest ally in the world, the local police. Local police have saved hundreds of thousands of black lives over the last generation. But instead of being praised for most of their good deeds, black lives matter turned police into the enemy. As a result black lives matter protests have led to thousands of additional black deaths. Here’s the data on Chicago. Go read and share it, the results are incontrovertible, where black lives matter has protested the most, more black people have been killed by black people.

All too often the media does an incredibly poor job of analyzing racial issues because white people in the media are afraid of being called racist. The result is actual facts never get discussed. That’s why my point that people are more likely to be struck by lightning or killed by dogs than black people are to be killed by cops gets little attention. Using extremely rare events — white cops killing innocent black men — as if they are regular occurrences represents a failure of the media and an attack on intelligent discourse everywhere.

It’s easier to blame racism than it is to confront harsh realities in your own community.

By the way, I hate death and racism and murder more than all of you do.  

“I have a theory that I’d like your opinion on. It seems at least one letter per week of the Anonymous Mailbag is dedicated to a guy complaining the frequency and/or quality of the sex life with his girlfriend/wife. I’m 28, engaged to the girl of my dreams after a few years of dating but admittedly our sex life had become somewhat dull and I was worried I was making a huge mistake entering into this marriage.

Then, something happened. A couple months ago I was sitting on the couch reading your Anonymous Mailbag and burst into laughter at something you wrote (can’t remember exactly). That got my fiancee interested in what I was reading, so I introduced her to your blog. She starting reading the Anonymous Mailbag from several prior weeks, and since then we have gone from 1-2 times/week to nearly every day. Long story short: Is it possible that the key to getting your significant other to have better sex more often is just finding a way to get her to read your blog so she realizes how often men complain about their sex lives?”

See, the anonymous mailbag really does make the world a better place. 

If I were a marriage counselor my advice to women would be simple — fuck your husbands more. In the vast majority of cases I can’t think of anything women could do to make their husbands happier.

So women, if you’re reading this and you’re having marital problems, bang your husbands tonight.  

“I have a question that has bugged me for a few years. It was sparked by the shampoo question from last week. (Last week it was revealed that 70% of people in the shower use shampoo on their heads first).

But I have wondering about the differences in wiping technique. I have always opened up my legs and wiped with toilet paper from butt to balls through my legs. But a few years ago in a conversation (don’t ask) I made the wiping gesture and my buddy corrected me with a backstroke effort that involved tilting the buttocks and reaching behind and wiping away from the balls. I went with it because I wasn’t quite prepared to be outed as someone who wipes like a woman.

So it’s bothered me. It’s way more convenient to wipe between the legs and I think it’s more effective technique as well. But are all the rest of the dudes in the world really reaching around?”

We got two detailed questions about how to wipe after you poop. Here is the second one. 

“My friends and I have gone on about this for as long as I can remember. After finishing up reading your content on the pooper, I take a nice wad of toilet paper, reach back and go to town. After a few good wipes, I judge whether or not my ass is clean based on whether I feel like I am wiping skin or pushing around poop. Depending on what’s going on back there, I either drop the TP into the bowl and flush, or continue getting after it until I feel clean and satisfied. All is good.

Or so I thought. According to every one of my friends, the appropriate way to go about this process is, when done wiping, take a peek at the wad to determine whether there is shit still on the paper. If so, wipe again. If not, you’re good to go.

I find this step completely unnecessary. Now, I enjoy admiring my work in the bowl as much as the next guy, but I don’t feel the need to look at my shit on a wad of TP. Something about the shit outside of the water doesn’t interest me. I don’t have skid marks on my boxers, but I’ve taken a lot of shit (pardon the pun) for not checking to ensure the TP is clean.

My question to you is this: When wiping your ass after taking a shit, do you look at the TP before you decide you’re done wiping? Am I a freak for not checking? Or am I just running around with a bunch of freaks?”

You have to wipe while looking over your shoulder and you have to check the toilet paper to know when to stop wiping. 

That’s the only way for men to wipe. 

Any other way and you are a psychopath. 

“Please keep this anonymous because our whole fraternity reads the mailbag.

We have a friend who has a psychotic girlfriend who is ruining his life. She is not just the regular run of the mill crazy college girl, we’re talking about her calling him 60 times in a row, having a rule he must text her back within 2 minutes, banging on the outside of his window when he is asleep, and making him leave in the middle of SEC football games to take her to dinner, etc. She broke up with him then proceeded to hook up with other dudes then got back together with him. We have all sat him down numerous times to let him know she is crazy and he just seems to brush us off. Is there anything we can do to save him? Or have we lost a friend forever?”

All you can do is tell him she is awful and continue to repeat it again and again. If the relationship continues eventually she will force him to choose between his friends and her — note: if anyone ever tries to get you to choose between your friends and them end your relationship with them immediately, they aren’t worth it.

Based on what you’re telling me he will either pick her and eventually end up in a miserable marriage or, more likely, they will break up and he will come crawling back to his friends. 

Sadly, there isn’t much you can do to help him make the right decision other than telling him that she sucks. 

…

The anonymous mailbag runs every Tuesday on Outkick. Send your questions, anonymity guaranteed, to clay.travis@gmail.com