Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag. 

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to clay.travis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed. 

Before we get going, just another night in Nashville, Peyton Manning hopped up on the stage at Winners and sang “Rocky Top.”

Okay, here we go with the anonymous mailbag:

“You answered me a while back when my wife cheated on me and I didn’t know whether to give her a second chance or not. Long story short, I decided to give her a second chance. She decided she did not want that chance and we split. Nice kick in the nuts, huh? It was loads of fun.

Now, I’m back on the dating scene. I’m 39, with a good job, most of my hair, and I keep in fairly good shape. One thing is that I’ve never been a beast at slaying the women and I always thought it was my height. I’m 5’3…and no, I did not round up or anything. I was known in college as very cute by ladies, but rarely did it lead to much of anything. I’ll admit that I don’t have the best game in the world, but I’m also not socially awkward and can hold a conversation.

I’m new to the dating apps and my fears are being realized right now. It seems, from looking at tons of profiles, on apps and dating sites, that women REALLY don’t like two things:

1. Guys that only want to hook up. This is understandable, as I see it.

2. Short guys…seriously.

Very rarely do you read anything else on these girls’ profiles about what they DON’T want in a guy, except for these two things. What the hell? What did short guys ever do to them? Nothing about out of shape guys or bald guys or felons…no, short appears to be the worst thing that a guy can be.

I get it if a girl is something like 5’11 or 6’1, but some of these are girls are like 5’4 and say, “please don’t swipe right if you’re not at least 5’9.” Really? That leaves me way out, but really? The 5’8 ½ guy is too short for her, at her staggering height of 5’4?”

There are only two uncontrollable physical traits that it’s perfectly fine to discriminate against in today’s society — bald guys and short guys. There are no other physical traits that can’t be controlled that can be openly mocked like these two. 

Imagine if a girl was like, “AND NO ASIAN GUYS!” on her profile. Aside from the fact that it’s actually kind of funny — if done in an intentionally funny fashion — she’d be publicly shamed on the Internet for this opinion, right? God forbid she said, “AND NO BLACK GUYS,” she’d actually be fired from her job and probably not be able to find another one. And this is despite the fact that it’s the clear subtext of “The Bachelor” television show.

Discrimination based upon uncontrollable physical traits is totally unacceptable in our society except when it comes to short guys and bald guys. What we’ve got here is a clear case of short shaming. Tall privilege is a thing. No doubt about it. Even short girls don’t like short guys.

Guys aren’t allowed to put anything about a woman’s physical appearance in our profiles or we’re jerks. Think about the reaction if a guy puts in his profile, “No fat chicks.” He’s considered a total asshole, right? Yet unlike height, you can control your weight to a large degree. You don’t have to be fat. That’s why I don’t believe fat shaming is a real thing. You can’t be shamed for something you control. You make yourself fat, that’s on you. Eat less, tubby. (And by the way did you know there would be no health care crisis in this country if fat motherfuckers just weren’t fat? I’m not even kidding about this. Our country is so rich that we’re in a health crisis because fat people won’t stop eating so much. If fat people weren’t fat, there would be no health care crisis in this country.)

Anyway, I’m sorry that you’re short. At least you have your hair. If you’re a bald, short dude, I don’t even know how you poor bastards get out of bed in the morning.

I’d suggest getting shoes that add an inch and a half of height or so. Women wear heels all the time to disguse their actual height, if I was a short dude on the dating scene I’d wear shoes with more substantial heels. The difference between 5’3″ and 5’5″ can be huge. I’d also focus on making money. Money is more important than height to women.  

“My buddies and I have a dispute that we would like for you to settle.

I am a freshman in college. When I was in the 6th grade my parents wanted another kid. When the traditional route didn’t go so well they decided our family would welcome in a child through adoption. So after 7 years it feels as if my little sister has been apart of my family since day 1. A few weeks ago our family caught news that my little sister has a biological sister. Turns out she lives in the same city as me, is 18 years old, and is sexy as hell. I have never met this girl in my life. So we texted back and forth for a week or two and the only things brought up were my sister and her boyfriend. Most of the time she was bitching about him so I didn’t read most of what she said concerning him. One day after we had actually stopped texting for a few days, she invites herself over. I live in a two person dorm. After a few hours of hanging out she starts talking about fucking. Then she turns it into fucking me. Now ask yourself this, “What would an 18 year old Clay Travis do if a hot 18 year old girl who he has met one time before and who was begging him to pork her brains out?” After I tell my friends about what went down, they immediately jump on my ass. They think it’s inbreeding. I don’t see a problem with it as I am not related to this girl by blood, or legally.
What is your verdict?”

I don’t blame your friends for accusing you of inbreeding, I would definitely do this if my friend banged his adopted sister’s long lost sister, but ethically you can bang her. There’s no blood relation here to worry about and you’ve never known this girl prior to her becoming a fully grown woman. Plus, your little sister is seven. There is 11 years of age difference between her newfound sister and her. It’s not like they hang out together socially or anything. By the time your sister finds out you banged her sister, you’ll be in your mid-twenties.  

I’d be more concerned with the new sister’s sister being potentially crazy than I would the family connection.  

Godspeed. 

“I did something bad awhile back and as a result I have to surrender myself to random drug tests. This happens at least once a week, and each time I have to piss in a cup. As a former legal-type you know that this also includes the caveat that if they want to, a nurse can watch me piss.

I’ve been having to do these random screenings for a few months now and slowly but surely this younger, smokin hammer of a nurse keeps finding ways to ‘randomly’ be the one to call me back for testing. I am a naturally super-flirtatious dude, which drives my wife nuts and always has, and I think I may have gone too far because last week she made a very obvious attempt at letting me know that she is now separating from her husband, and I, being the idiot I am, consoled her in a friendly manner.

There’s the backstory. Now for the issue:

The nurses have only ever watched me piss the very first time (it was an old man) and stopped watching because my charges have nothing to do with drugs and I’ve never ‘pissed hot.’

I had to have another random screening today and wouldn’t ya know it, the hammer calls me back, and after months of nobody watching me, she decides to use her entirely legal right to watch me piss, and I have to admit I was having an Amazing Dick Day (you’da been proud). She made some joke about how I might have to be watched more in the future.

SO. I love my wife and have a helluva feeling that this chick is trying to catch a train to pound-town, and I dunno what to do.

Here is where you come in: Do I just try and ride it out and hope I don’t fuck up and cheat (doubtful) and/or piss her off by not cheating thus my urine somehow becoming tainted, or take the chance of telling her boss I no longer feel comfortable around her and risk having to explain why which will probably just end up with them all laughing at me for being a presumptuous fucknut?”

Let’s consider your questions in reverse, first, you can’t complain about the hot nurse giving you a dick compliment. Sure, it’s inappropriate on her part, but let’s be honest here — if a hot chick does it to a guy and it involves sex, it’s pretty much legal. (I’m actually quoting Judge Antonin Scalia here in his final Supreme Court opinion before he was murdered by Hillary Clinton).

Second, props to you for not getting limp penis stage fright while a hot chick watches you pee. Also, you know this chick is into porn because the only place a line like that happens is in a porno movie. Finally, there’s a big difference between flirting at your court-mandated peeing — WHAT A CATCH YOU ARE! YOU MUST BE TALL! — and you banging the cute nurse and cheating on your wife.

If your story is true, once you get her number it’s inevitable you will bang. So if you want to stay faithful, don’t get her number and don’t give her yours.   

Congrats on the good dick day at an opportune time. 

“I work for a large company who has offices all over the country, so when my coworker and I get bored at work, we go on the company directory for all company employees and look for girls who have the hottest work profile pictures then rate them. Is this normal behavior or am I a scumbag?”

This was the entire business model for Facebook when it was founded in 2004. And it’s even more of the entire business model for Instagram today. The only reason Instagram exists is so hot chicks can look hot online and guys can spend hours clicking through the pictures looking at them. These companies are worth hundreds of billions of dollars because most people are just like you. 

So, yes, you’re normal. But in this PC bro world where everyone claims that they don’t do the things they actually do — and then judges other people for doing the same thing that they themselves do too — don’t email about this on your company email addresses because you might get fired.  

“As an ashamed member of this millennial generation, I have to laugh at the recent occurrences at Emory. I go to a similar-sized, liberal, white, and economically well-off school in the South, and the chalking got my attention. Our school does this; mostly for stupid student elections or bake sales, but sometimes heated pro-life and pro-choice chalkings occur. Of course people have complained about the pro-life “hurtful” words and their need for safety from being triggered.

Which brings me to my question. Can someone be triggered by words that they support? Say a student has been through an abortion and is walking to class and sees the “Support Planned Parenthood” chalk or worse yet, actually sees the word abortion in “Keep abortion legal” written on the pavement. Are like-minded members of a triggered group required to give trigger warnings to all other triggered members before they chalk up the sidewalk?

I figured this Inception mind-warping could only be handled by this nation’s forefront correspondent on millennial pansies.”

I’m blown away by this question — can you trigger yourself?

If so, this is like millennial trigger masturbation, you create the words that upset you and just lapse into a coma of perpetually being offended. It sound a bit like millennial nirvana, actually. Because then you can blame society for making you trigger yourself over and over again. HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY LIVE IN SUCH AN UNJUST SOCIETY WHEN YOU CAN’T CONTROL YOUR OWN BRAIN?

I don’t know the answer to your question because it’s almost impossible to offend me with an opinion — I know, shocking position to adopt in today’s modern society where PC bros are running around offended all day — but 30% of all women have abortions at some point in their lifetime and it’s pretty hard to avoid the word, so I think most women are able to handle themselves just fine.  

Personally, I’m pro-abortion because statistics show that it keeps crime rates down. If you’re going to be such a shitty parent that you want to abort your kid, I’d rather you not have the kid and wait until you can handle the responsibilties of parenthood. Raising kids is tough, it makes perfect sense to me that the shittier the parent, the shittier the kid turns out.  

“So, by senior year of college, due to some confidence problems and other issues, I was still a virgin. Also, as crazy as this sounds, I never even had kissed a girl. BUT, I had gotten three blowjobs over the last year (by three different women.) My question is how often do you think situations like mine happen, where a guy gets a blow job before losing his virginity, (I’d say not too rare) but also gets a BJ before even kissing a girl?(I’d say this is really uncommon.)”

The fact that American college girls are now giving out blow jobs even easier than they give out kisses is why the terrorists will never win. 

I have zero doubt that these terrorist networks keep sending terrorists to America intending for them to blow themselves up and then the terrorists get here, go see Batman vs. Superman, find out how well the Internet works, have complete freedom, eat a Chick-Fil-A sandwich, get blow jobs with ease, and they’re like, “America is already heaven. Why would I blow myself up? I love it here.”

USA, USA, USA!

“I am a college freshman at a mid-major school in the South. I decided to try out a long distance relationship with my high school girlfriend, who is a senior at my old school, throughout my freshman year. I live well within weekend driving distance of my home town, three to four hour drive. So taking the time to drive home once every couple weekends isn’t out of the question.

But I also have ties to my university to where we have only been able to see each other once every month. Everything has been going well between the two of us throughout the whole year, but whenever I do come home my girlfriend is extremely sexual, she loves blowjobs so she likes doing them whenever we can, but come Sunday night when I have gone out the previous nights and seen everybody, I am exhausted. So when we hangout on Sunday night, I wake up early Monday and drive back to school, she wants to do stuff but I am tired and am not feeling up to it.

Am I an asshole for not letting her do stuff or am I reasonable by just wanting to hang out and watch TV? Since you blow guys daily, what would your thought process be if your boyfriend did this to you?”

All I will say to all you young, single guys swimming in easy pussy right now is this — one day you’re going to be married with kids — and I want y’all to write this down because it is the God’s honest truth and you may not believe me now but trust me when I say that I would never lead you astray — one day you are going to regret every single sexual encounter you ever passed up with an attractive woman. 

I mean it. 

Every single married guy reading this right now can tell you the top five times he screwed up when he could have had sex with a hot chick and he didn’t. It’s like married man “Groundhog Day,” we go back over our decisions and wonder what would have happened if we’d just tweaked our behavior a bit this way or that.  

Y’all single guys think I’m joking, but every single married man is slowly nodding his head while a single tear for the boobs he’ll never see rolls down his cheek.

So take your goddamn “Oh, I’m too tired for a blow job and sex this weekend” attitude — get blown — and quit being such a pussy.

…

The anonymous mailbag runs every Tuesday on Outkick. Send your questions, anonymity guaranteed, to clay.travis@gmail.com