Anonymous Mailbag

Charlotte McKinney, Kliff Kingsbury

It’s Tuesday, time for the best weekly article on the Internet — the anonymous mailbag. 

As always you can send your questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed. 

Before we get going any further — why stay in a crappy hotel when you can stay in an awesome mansion on the beach? Check out my guys at 30acottages.com for the best houses on the best beach in Florida. Mention the code Outkick in your booking data and you get 5% off in April. 

Okay, here we go with the anonymous mailbag:

“We’ve recently decided to adopt and are going through the process which includes creating a portfolio of our family telling a little about ourselves, our life, our house etc. Basically a book for the birth parents to look through like a catalog to decide on which family they want to place their kid with. Here’s our issue, we’re alumni of Tennessee. We’ve grown up with all the rivals and judging people based on what color they wear on Saturdays. Several of our pictures that we’d like to include have us wearing orange or at games/tailgates.

I’m not saying that if I was a birth parent I would immediately exclude a family for wearing Bama or Florida gear….but they certainly wouldn’t be my first choice. The thought of the fruit of my loins growing up to yell Rammer Jammer after beating Tennessee (I’m just assuming Tennessee will still be rebuilding in a decade or so) makes me a little uneasy.

What are your thoughts? Do we include these orange pictures which provide quite a bit of our personalities and hobbies or do we find other more neutral pictures?”

I go entirely neutral. 

My thought on this is pretty straightforward — why risk alienating a potential parent with specific fan interests? Now you can argue that there might be a young girl who is unmarried, pregnant, and a huge Tennessee fan — let’s be honest, this description represents roughly 70% of Tennessee fans, 85% of Bama fans, and probably 70% of SEC fans in general — and it could work in your favor to have her see your fan interests, but why risk it?

You’re thinking about her being a fan of a rival school and that hurting you, but what if the asshole boy who got her pregnant and hasn’t been supportive at all is a huge fan of the same school as you? I just see this picture as provoking an emotional response and given how emotional this girl probably already is right now you don’t want to provoke any further emotion.

Take yourself out of the equation and consider what you’d want to see if you were giving up your child for adoption in the South — I’d want to see an awesome home in a good neighborhood, parents with good jobs, a stable family with healthy, in shape parents who were likely to be alive throughout my kid’s life, and, potentially, some religious faith as well, although that could be a bit dangerous too. (Given that you’re adopting in the South though I think religious faith is likely to work in your favor). If you want to include a sports angle, why not use some pictures from a high school football game or a little league baseball game? That doesn’t alienate anyone. 

College football fandom is just so specific and provokes such a visceral reaction that I think it works against you.

Good luck. 

“A few months ago I purchased a Princess Leia slave costume for my wife. She wore it once and needless to say, it was amazing. As someone who grew up watching the original Star Wars trilogy multiple times a week, it fulfilled a lifelong fantasy for me. Sadly, not long after this, Carrie Fisher tragically died. Ever since then my wife has refused to wear the slave costume. She says it just feels weird to her now.

The only flimsy counterargument I have come up with so far to convince her otherwise is that the Princess Leia character didn’t die, although I suspect after Episode VIII that won’t even hold water anymore. Do you have any good arguments I could present to persuade my wife that it’s still ok to wear one of the sexiest outfits in film history even though the actress that made it famous has passed away? I’ve got nothing and need some expert advice.”

Marilyn Monroe and Jackie O. are both sexy, iconic women, right? And both women are also dead, right?

Yet thousands of women will dress us up as both of these women this coming Halloween. And many men will end their night by sleeping with women dressed up as Marilyn Monroe and Jackie O. (Cleopatra and Marie Antoinette will both make strong costumes too, but both have been dead for a very long time). And there is nothing strange about women dressing up in these costumes at all.

 

That’s because they are honoring those women’s style, sex appeal, and glamor by dressing up as them. Dressing up as someone is paying homage to them, it’s a tribute. It’s a way of ensuring that they never truly die.  

If dressing up as Marilyn Monroe and Jackie O. is fine — and it clearly is — then your wife’s Princess Leia costume is even easier to defend. Because she’s dressing up as a fictional character, which, Episode VIII notwithstanding, never really dies.

Think of all the fictional, hot Halloween character costumes women wear every year. That’s what your wife is doing. If anything I would think Princess Leia slave costumes will be even more popular this Halloween because women will want to honor her. 

Hell, my wife and I are planning on going as Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth this coming Halloween. (We have already talked about this because my six year old wants to be Ricky The Dragon Steamboat and my two year old wants to be Hulk Hogan. So we’re planning on an entire family of wrestlers.)

Both of these people are dead too. But that doesn’t make them any less awesome.  

There’s honestly nothing that your wife could do to honor Princess Leia and Carrie Fisher’s memory better than dressing up like her. In so doing she is ensuring that Princess Leia — played by Carrie Fisher — never really dies. Indeed, in putting her youthful body into that Princess Leia costume she’s ensuring that Carrie Fisher is reborn again and again, a constant undying symbol of hotness. 

The truly offensive thing your wife could do is what she’s doing now, failing to honor Carrie Fisher by refusing to wear her most iconic character costume now that she’s dead.

Your wife is being an awful human being, honestly. 

She’s a deadist.  

“A few months ago a buddy of mine is using the urinal next to me at a bar after a night of drinking and for some reason takes a gander at my dick. After taking it all in he just starts laughing and shaking his head. Not only does this violate nearly every urinal code of ethics, he takes it a step further and announces to all of our friends in the bar that I have a “tiny dick” when we return to our table. Obviously, I am embarrassed and mutter some response about having a huge dick and questioning why he was looking in the first place, but it does little to stem the tide of abuse that I take from nearly everyone in the bar. 

The problem is that to the naked eye my flaccid penis does look tiny. However, I have a medical condition that causes this issue and my erect dick can compete with any other non-porn industry white dude.

The problem is that my left leg is almost two inches shorter than my right. While this may seem a minor issue, it causes my dick to appear smaller than it actually is due to an abdominal muscle imbalance. Though there has not been a medical diagnosis of my condition, I have personally reviewed the medical literature and I am confident of the connection. Essentially, the muscles in my abdomen suck my dick into my groin when flaccid. There is a lot of dick there you just can’t see it.

Needless to say, after this night of infamy, my dick becomes a running joke in my circle of friends.

Fast forward three weeks, and we have a poker night with the same group of dudes. This time when the tiny dick jokes start flying, I decide to take the opportunity to educate these idiots regarding my medical condition. Bad choice, really bad choice.

Maybe three seconds after I explain leg length disability/dick issue, my buddy’s cousin, who just happens to have lost his right leg below the knee in a motorcycle accident, unzips his pants, pulls out what can only be described as a horse cock, and proceeds to lay it on the table. Followed by the statement, that “Dude, my right leg is a lot shorter than the other. Don’t seem to effect me.”

Wow. Game over. Whole room erupts into laughter and I just sit there taking it while staring at his exposed penis.

It was as if his motorcycle accident and the injury to his leg, maybe everything in his life, had simply happened so that this very moment could take place – so that this perfectly timed insult would have a punch line. His fucking confidence was amazing. Again, no one even questioned how creepy it was for this dude to whip out his cock in a room full of dudes.

My question for you is what now? Do I actually pull the medical literature and email it to my friends? Do I move to a new town and just start over? Or is the only real comeback to fuck the wife of one-legged huge dick cousin?”

Simply amazing story. 

So amazing that I took paragraphs from your email to search online to make sure this hadn’t been in a movie somewhere.

At this point I think you only have one response, you have to make a sex tape and text a few seconds of that tape to your friends. It has to be clear that it’s you in the video — so there’s no stunt cock arguments levied against you — and there has to be a girl, but the girl shouldn’t be visible or the focus, this is about you showing that your penis has game and isn’t, in fact, tiny. 

Also, true or not, if you get accused of having a tiny dick you can’t go with a medical condition argument. That’s way too complicated. You just have to go with the grower vs. shower argument and then, if the insults continue, at some point you have to make a porno movie.  

That’s your only play.  

“Last week, I was at a restaurant/bar that was hosting a lip sync competition. I was not particularly interested in such a contest until two ladies (solid 8’s if I might add) appeared on stage to do their rendition of My Humps by Fergie. Honestly, I am not sure they even knew the words to the song, but their hips sure did. In the words of astute philosopher 50 cent, I did not know if they were “gon’ back that thing up, or should I push up on it?” In part thanks to my liquid courage and lack of better judgment, I proceeded to walk up to the stage and throw several U.S. American dollars into the air in a non-objectifying manner. Sounds like good fun, right?

Wrong. Turns out these two performers were still in high school. Naturally, I was embarrassed. To make matters worse, a mother of one of two ladies was sitting at a table directly next to the stage—on a side note, she was a definite cougar. Once aware of my egregious mistake, I apologized to cougar mom for mistaking her daughter and daughter’s friend for 18+ year old adults. Surprisingly, the mother actually purchased me a shot of Fireball.

I can only imagine that this encounter could have gone much worse, but I got lucky. Regardless, I believe that there is only one true entity at fault in this situation. That entity is makeup. Makeup is a fickle mistress full of deceit. With that said, I would like to suggest that a piece of legislation be proposed such that those under the age of 18 not be allowed to wear makeup. Thoughts?”

I think this is on the mom. 

If you let your teenage daughters get up on the stage in a bar/restaurant and do karaoke while a sexy song plays — probably while dressed up in a hot fashion, no less — it’s not a drunk guy’s fault if he hits on them.

Now, to be fair, throwing dollar bills at them was probably excessive, but you would have been totally within your rights to try to buy them drinks. Your banning make up idea will never work — this isn’t the Middle East, after all — but girls today dress more provocatively and look older than they ever have in American history.

Last year I was at the beach with my family and I’ll be damned if I could tell the difference between high school and college girls. Hell, sometimes you can’t even tell whether a girl is there with her older sister or her mom.

The positive here is that women have never been hotter, the downside is it has never been easier to confuse a 17 year old senior in high school and 18 year old freshman in college.

And there is  HUGE difference between the two legally.  

This reminds me of the worst story I ever heard about a guy getting totally screwed by this distinction. 

When I lived in the Virgin Islands the legal drinking age was 18, but the practical rule was if you walked up to a bar and wanted to drink and looked like you were 18 they would let you drink. So this stateside bartender is there, he’s 23, and a girl comes up to the bar. He actually asks to see her ID — which is rare — and she has a fake ID that says she’s 18 years old. So he gives her drinks, they keep chatting at the bar, and eventually she leaves with him and they have sex on the beach together.

Totally consensual, no issues there.

The next day her dad finds out about it and loses his mind.

Turns out she’s 16 and in high school.

They prosecute the dude for statutory rape and he doesn’t have any money because he’s just a beach bum bartender so he gets a local attorney assigned to him. One of the challenges of life down there is you get assigned local attorneys who may have had no experience practicing criminal law. (I repped murder cases, drug cases, assault cases, and more with no criminal law practice at all). So the bartender gets an inexperienced criminal lawyer and agrees to a plea deal and gets five years in a Virgin Islands prison.

Five years!   

All because this girl showed him a fake ID and pretended she was actually 18 and he slept with her. 

I say all of this for this reason — age of consent laws are a mess right now. Every high school in the country has naked photos ricocheting through the hallways. Theoretically just about every boy or girl under the age of 18 could be charged with possession of child porn since they all are texting naked photos around.

No one wants to address the issue because it’s an uncomfortable subject, but our criminal justice system wasn’t made for Snapchat or teenagers with cell phones making porn.

I’m glad I have three boys. 

Good luck out there.  

“15 years ago 4-5 buddies & I go to one of our usual clubs in Atlanta. 

The best place to meet girls in bars/clubs is on the dance floor even if you can’t dance. If you’ve got the guts to get on the dance floor & dance (don’t stand out there and creep) you can meet girls 100% of the time. This night, I end up with a cougar dancing in front of me. She turns around and drives her ass in to my crotch and I’m thinking done deal I’m going home with her. 

We dance a while longer and she needs to pee. I escort her to the restroom and wait. A short round guy approaches me (in his 40’s) and asks me if I have a girlfriend. I did, but told him no. He says, well that’s my wife and she wants to take you back to our hotel. 

My friends and I did some unsavory shit in those days so I said let’s do it. She comes back out. Before we leave I go find one of my friends and tell him I’m leaving with a married couple and he calls bullshit. She & I leave the club with the husband in tow. He drives us 300yds to their hotel (she’s in back with me). He drops us off in front and says “go get started I’ll be up in a minute.”

We go to the room and she starts peeling clothes off instantly. Here comes the husband at the door. He sits down in a chair and watches. He puts on porn while I make out with his wife butt naked. She’s riding me like a damn out of control bronco so I flip her over (husband still in chair). I got about 4 pumps in before it was over. We hang for about 10 minutes talking and the husband offers to drive me home. I accept. She stays at the hotel and he drives me home (about a 20-25 minute ride up an Atlanta Hwy). 

On the ride home he tells me they’ve done that 1-2 other times. He says he stayed in the room to make sure I didn’t do any rough stuff to her.  When he drops me off he gives me his business card, her cell number, and tells me to call her this week because she’s coming down to Atlanta next weekend. He even invited me to his home on Thursdays when his kids were at their Mom’s house (divorced), and we could have dinner and then his wife & I could stay in another room for the night. 

He worked for a truck/tractor dealership about 45 min from where I lived.

I never called the number or saw her again.  My question, how many guys call her the next week and keep it rolling for the next few months?”

The most amazing thing about this story to me is that he drove you home afterwards. I would have totally expected you were going to get murdered on that trip home. 

Also, where does this rank on the bravery scale? Getting into a car with a random couple could go incredibly badly for you, right? 

As for whether your average guy would have called again, definitely, right?

You’re a hero for only having sex with the married woman one time while her husband watched. 

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, total anonymity guaranteed. 

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.