Anonymous Mailbag

So last night on my drive back from Atlanta, I pulled into a gas station in middle of nowhere north Georgia at around midnight. I was starving so I set my gas pump to run and walked inside to buy dinner — Mountain Dew and cheddar and sour cream potato chips and peanut M&M’s because I’m awesome like that.

When I came back outside to get in my car I put my snacks inside and then drove off. 

With the gas pump still plugged into my car.

The gas pump is now designed to disengage because people like me continue to make this mistake — I know because this is the THIRD time that I’ve driven away with the gas pump still in my car — and generally there’s no real issue with idiots like me making this mistake. Except this time the gas pump swings off wildly and catches my back windshield, shattering it completely. Instinctively, I crouch down over my steering wheel thinking that a Kentucky, Alabama or West Virginia fan is trying to shoot me. Then I look back and see the gas pump dangling out my window.

The entire back windshield is shattered with a large hole in it as well. Glass is cascading into my back seat. I’m 150 miles from home and as I park my car and disengage the gas pump — which I helpfully roll up and place alongside the pump — it occurs to me that it’s cold outside and my drive home is going to be freezing.

So I get on the interstate with no back window — with every bump more glass falls into my car — and start to drive. After a few miles I’m freezing so I pull over and get my coat out of the back seat. (I have to shake off all the glass shards before I put my coat on. I don’t want to bleed out on the drive home). As I’m sitting on the side of the interstate I decide to check my email and you can’t even make up what email has just arrived.

I’ve been invited to be the commencement speaker at my high school, Martin Luther King Magnet here in Nashville.

What incredible timing.   

So here I am, on the side of the road with no back windshield because I drove off with the gas pump still attached to my car, huddling over my heaters with them cranked to maximum heat level, while eating peanut M&M’s and cheddar and sour cream potato chips and swigging Mountain Dew for dinner, being asked to bring all my immense knowledge to bear for the next generation of children. 

That’s America, damn it. 

On to the anonymous mailbag.

“As a fellow gay Muslim, I love reading your columns. I’m not actually Muslim, but I am gay. Closeted, living in the Deep South, and a huge college football fan. Obviously, being gay and closeted in the south sucks pretty bad. I’m in my 30s and just started dating (sort of a late bloomer). When I go out in public, I’m scared to death to even touch the guy I’m with for fear of the awkwardness and the stares from my fellow southerners. And I’m not talking about max PDA…just basic hand-holding, etc. So…why do you think southerners are still so freaked out by gay people and do you see this changing in our lifetime? Thanks brother.”

First, congrats on being brave enough to date and I’m sorry that you don’t feel comfortable being yourself in public. 

Second, I’d suggest moving to a large city in the South. There are tons of gay people in large metro regions of the South — per capita New Orleans, Miami and Nashville, just to name a few cities in Southern states, have some of the largest gay populations in the country — and you’d be able to live an entirely open lifestyle in these cities where I don’t think you’d be subject to that many issues. 

If you can’t move and you live in a relatively rural area, that’s tough because the South has more dumb people than any other region of the country. Toss in the fact that we’re also the most religious region of the country and this can lead to a difficult life experience. It’s not a coincidence that the South was the last area to give equal rights to blacks and will be the last area to give equal rights to gays. 

We do a lot of dumb things down here. 

But, and this is key, things are changing pretty fast in this regard and I think the current generation of gay kids isn’t going to have the same issues that you do. Are there very many people under 40 who really care what gay people do in public or private? I don’t think so. I’m stunned by how quickly gay rights have progressed in this country. George W. Bush basically get reelected in 2004 by campaigning against gay rights. A little over a decade later gay marriage is about to be allowed by the Supreme Court and a majority of the population is fine with it. 

So I think it will 100% change in our lifetime.  

And if you’re a straight guy reading this who cares about gay people — why do you care? Hell, from a purely competitive perspective you should want as many gay guys as possible because it helps your odds with women.

Good luck dating.  

“So let me start by saying that I am in no way considering this offer but thought you’d find it interesting. So me and my girlfriend have been in a relationship for a little over 10 months. She’s one of those girls that you love showing off to your friends and family but at the same time is a total freak in the bedroom. The only problem is that here lately she has been wanting to try new things. By new things, I mean she wants to fuck me in the ass with a dildo. She has promised blow jobs everyday for a year if I comply. I just can’t agree, but what’s the over/under on the amount of blow jobs it would take your gay racist Muslim self to agree to this?”

Is it bad that my first thought was, how big of a dildo are we talking about? Are we talking like a dildo with a kick stand for stability that looks like a t-shirt cannon in which case your virgin ass would never recover or like a smaller, pocketbook dildo that your girlfriend can carry out to the club in case she finds a guy to screw? I doubt that your girlfriend wants to screw you with a tiny dildo — based on my hypothesis that no one wants to screw anybody with a fake tiny penis — but it’s still a question worth asking. 

Dildo size matters. 

I’d also want to know this — has she screwed other boyfriends while wearing a dildo? (Related: How well has she cleaned the dildo sense these encounters?) I have no idea how common this desire is for women, so I’d want to try and figure this out too. This is the anonymous mailbag so are there other women out there with this desire? Are there men who have done it with their wives or girlfriends? Remember, we’re in the trust tree here.

Additional question, how long does the dildo screwing go on? Is the dildo double sided? How does she get sexual gratification from this? I’m just kind of confused on the physics. 

Because she’s offering up a blow job every day for a year. That’s insane. That’s 365 straight days of blow jobs. (I’m good at math.) That’s probably more blow jobs than you will get for the rest of your life once you’re married. So I’d be inclined to consider this offer if I was a single guy. You’re talking ten minutes — or less — getting screwed in the ass with a dildo for hours and hours of blow jobs.

One bit of warning though — you’ve only been dating ten months. A year of blow jobs sounds great, but that’s over twice as long as your relationship right now. What if she’s like the black widow of dildo screwing men? What if there’s a long line of guys she’s promised blow jobs to for a year, but once she screws you in the ass with the dildo she breaks up with you the next day. Because then you’re just another check on her dildo headboard, the guy she fucked and left the next day without even looking back at your whimpering, probably swollen asshole, crying in the bed. 

By the way, this is an incredible coincidence but in law school I devised a woman’s hotness scale that culminated in “I would let her fuck me in the ass with a dildo hot.” There were like three girls in Nashville who were this hot. (None of whom, go figure, wanted to sleep with me or anyone I knew). I didn’t think any of them would ever want to actually do this, but I figured it was the thing that every heterosexual man would least like to do with a heterosexual woman.

Outkick needs to start doing polls, because I would love to poll married men on whether they’d let their wives do this to them in exchange for 365 days of blow jobs.

My guess is most would make this deal.  

“I wanted to get a male perspective on my current predicament. I am 27, been married for 2ish years. I consider myself not the typical wife. I don’t want to sound obnoxious by tooting my own horn but I would consider myself good looking. I work out and take care of myself. I have a good job (not going to disclose because my guy friends will know it’s me) but I have a graduate degree and make good money. I love watching football, drinking beer, and eating wings.

I’m not an obsessive wife. I encouraged my husband to go out with the guys all the time without me. I don’t text him all the time. It’s in fact quite the opposite. My husband is one of those helicopter spouses you talked about a couple weeks ago. He is obsessive. He checks in all the time, analyzes my phone records, and even told me that he had put a tracking device on my car once.

The helicoptering husbanding aside, my problem is that I love having sex and my husband will not have sex with me. I could do it every day three times a day. When I am on my period, I offer to give him a blow job every night and he turns me down nine times out of ten. He has legit turned into one of those women that you talk about in your mailbags. I have tried everything. I tried to talk to him about it because he wasn’t really like this before we got married. I have a closet full of lingerie that he is not into. I like watching porn and tried to do that with him. Nothing. We went to counseling, etc. This went on for almost a year until I finally had enough. I moved out and have prepared divorce paperwork.

I always used to tell him that most women aren’t like this and he should take advantage of it and me. That being said, my situation is not the norm as women traditionally have a lower sex drive once they’re married. Most men in my situation would cheat, in my opinion, to get what they want and still have the wife at home. Here is my question – am I crazy for wanting to divorce my husband because he won’t have sex with me? Am I putting too much value on sex as a part of marriage? Should I be like men in this world and deal with it and hope that it will eventually change?”

This is such a tough question. Particularly because I think your sex life is a symptom of larger issues in your relationship, not the issue itself. Your husband is probably withholding sex because he’s angry at you for other reasons and is trying to express his displeasure in the best way he knows how, by trying to keep you from doing something that you enjoy. (I’ve never tried to withhold sex before because I know the moment my wife is willing to have sex with me my willpower crumbles. But withholding sex when you’re angry is like the number one play in a married woman’s playbook.)

So this isn’t a sex issue in my opinion, sex is just a symptom of your larger issues. 

And the larger issue is this — YOUR HUSBAND PUT A TRACKING DEVICE ON YOUR CAR.

Holy fuck.

He’s like Hank in “Breaking Bad” except not trying to catch a drug dealer, he’s analyzing where his wife drives during the day and he thinks that’s normal enough behavior to tell you about. If you ever think about putting a tracking device on your spouse’s car something has gone horribly wrong with your relationship. He doesn’t trust you and that lack of trust is killing everything. The lack of sex is just a symptom of it.

You said it yourself, he wasn’t like this before marriage. This isn’t just about a mismatched sex drive — although that could be an issue, what you’re talking about is something deeper than that. You’re attractive and into sexy things — so much so that some of our readers are reading this right now and already want to date you — but he isn’t into you because he doesn’t trust you.  

Now I don’t know why he doesn’t trust you — it could be that he has trust issues with everyone or it could be that you’ve given him reasons not to trust you — but without any trust at all your relationship is on life support. You can’t wait out the lack of sex without fixing whatever is broken in your relationship.  

If you decide to get divorced, that’s fine, but don’t make it just about the lack of sex, because that’s just reflective of larger issues at play here. You’ve tried counseling and you guys don’t have kids so you aren’t that tied together in the long term. Sometimes marriages just don’t work out.

You can both be good people and be awful for each other.

Good luck with your choice.

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Email your questions — anonymity guaranteed — to clay.travis@gmail.com