Anonymous Mailbag

Charlotte McKinney, Kliff Kingsbury

I’m writing the anonymous mailbag on Monday night because I’m taking my family to New York City for spring break early tomorrow morning. We let my boys pick where they wanted to go and the two oldest said they wanted to go to New York — they cited “Ghostbusters” as the reason — so hopefully this makes sad Bill Murray feel better. 

Also, the last time my wife and I were in New York together she actually met Bill Murray. So my middle son actually believes that everyone who goes to New York City gets to meet Bill Murray. 

I’m presently recovering from five days in Vegas and I’ve contracted some nasty illness which I can only assume is an as yet undiscovered combination of Ebola and the Zika virus. So I might be dead soon and I’m presently writing the mailbag while hoping that Tylenol PM doesn’t take over and make me fall asleep at the computer. But it’s Tuesday and the anonymous mailbag must go on, so here we are.

There will be no Outkick Show on Tuesday due to travel, but here is yesterday’s show discussing Texas A&M’s miracle win with ESPN’s Kayce Smith, as well as my opinion on the Hulk Hogan Gawker ruling.  

“I am currently on vacation in Florida at my wife’s aunts house. We came down with our family which includes an 18 month old and also my mother in law flew with us. There are two bathrooms in the house. A bathroom right next to our room and the master bath.

At about 7 am on our first day after our first night here the baby woke up. My wife got her and said she was going to the bathroom with her. I was groggy and a little hungover. I hear my wife shortly after start to yell for help. I get up and run into the bathroom next to our room and the shower is on. Sometimes my wife takes showers with the baby. I’m thinking maybe the baby has fallen in the shower or something. I pull back the curtain to reveal my mother in law in all her glory. She yells to get out. I find my wife in the master bathroom with the baby.

Questions: Am I in the wrong here? Shouldn’t it be a rule to lock the bathroom door when on a multi party vacation like this? Second, how do I make the rest of the vacation not awkward? And last, how do I get the image of my mother in law out of my head?

Btw, the emergency was my wife clogged up the toilet in the master bath.”

Oh, man. 

She should have definitely locked the door. It was also probably a bit aggressive of you to just rip the shower curtain back and stare at your the body of your future wife in thirty years time without saying anything. But if we’re assessing blame here, I think your mother-in-law is at 75% at fault and you’re at 25% fault. (This changes if the door doesn’t lock and she stood there fiddling with it for ten minutes and then thought to herself, “What are you afraid of, Brenda? It’s not like your son-in-law is going to rip open the door and then rip open the shower curtain without checking to see who is inside first.”)

What did your wife say when you told her? She had to think it was hysterical, right? The only thing that could have made this worse is if you scared your mother-in-law so much that she tried to cover her naked body parts and slipped and fell in the process. Can you imagine if she slipped and broke an arm and you had to lift her out of the pouring, steamy water? This is like the worst porn ever.  

Your confusion about where the calamity has ensued is understandable given the earliness of the hour and your prior night’s drinking. (Although I do think taking showers with an 18 month old isn’t that common. At least we’ve never done it. But the more I think about it, provided you use no-tears shampoo and soap, it’s kind of brilliant. You get the baby clean at the same time you get clean.)

Ordinarily, I would say that I think you have to make a joke about the situation, but I can’t think of a joke that will 100% work. What if you make your joke and your mother in law starts to cry and leaves the table? Then things are even more awkward. So I’d defer to your wife. It’s her mom.

I would definitely wait a little bit, but the next time you’re both drinking you definitely have to say to your wife, “You know your mom has nicer (boobs, butt, legs, pick a body party) than I expected. I’m even more convinced I made the right choice in picking you now.” 

“What if every person had a bubble over their head showing their lifetime jerking achievements and preferred material? How would this change society?”

I’ve been in favor of sexual x-ray glasses for a long time. My idea for sexual x-ray glasses is if you looked at a person while wearing the glasses you could automatically get their entire sexual data, like the back of a baseball card all in one place — number of partners, frequency of masturbation, freakiest sexual behavior, I think this would revolutionize society because it would actually be honest. Right now everyone lies about sex.  

Now the problem is that if this became widespread it would probably send sex rates plummeting because girls in particular would be worried about their numbers going public. So to ensure that behavior didn’t actually change I’d want to patent my sexual x-ray glasses and charge insane amounts for someone to use it for a single night. Can you imagine how much fun this would be at the bar? How about a sporting event? Hell, what about a pro sports locker room? Or a sorority formal? I’m telling you it would be incredible.  

There’s other info I’d like to have to — SAT scores, credit scores, income, STD status, I think clarity on these issues would revolutionize the dating scene. Overnight some guys would see their status plunge and other guys — the ones who typically have no success at the bars — would see their status surge. No STDs, a six figure income, and a top SAT score in an average dude outshines tall, dark and herpes-ridden with a $23k a year job.

I think women would also quickly realize that all men lie about watching porn and that the men who lie the most have the freakiest porn desires. There is no doubt in my mind that your average PC bro is jerking off to the most disgusting porn. The PC broness is just an act to disguise how much of perverts they actually are.  

“My wife backed into our garage door this morning. I have no idea how this happens but she did it. I was in the process of leaving as well and basically watched the entire thing happen. She gets out of the car, half in tears, and the only response I have is to say nothing to suppress the verbal assault that was about to be unleashed. She gets mad because I don’t say anything and tells me I’m being insensitive because I didn’t acknowledge it was an accident.

Bullshit. I digress. Fast forward and I’m sharing the story with a couple of buddies and one suggest a selfish gift as reparation for her deed. We threw out several options but needed America’s sweetheart to rule as to what would be sufficient for reparation. Mind you, it really was only one panel that got hit so we’re talking probably $500-$1000 we’ll be spending on repairing this door. Would a gift of equivalent value be appropriate? More BJ’s…who am I kidding…a BJ for repayment? Am I just stuck with the bill? I figured if I brought a suggestion from the most likable sports writer in the country, my wife would have no choice but to go with it.”

Okay, hold up, why should you have to acknowledge it’s an accident? Of course it’s an accident. You didn’t think she was intentionally hitting the garage door, did you?

I’d like to say this surprises me, but my wife drives her SUV like it’s bumper cars and I would wager a substantial sum that she’s going to run into our garage doors at some point in the next few years. She’s always hitting things in her car. Now thankfully she’s not going very fast when she hits something, but the car is literally too big for her and she can’t park. Like ever. I have never seen an adult be more consistently unable to pull into a parking spot with equal space on each side of the car. Whenever she drives with me in the car — which generally happens when I drink and she hasn’t had as much to drink — I have to squeeze out of my side of the car or, worse, I just sit there and say, “I can’t even open my door. At all.” Meanwhile there’s enough space for a winnebago on her side.

Part of being a dad is that you just pay for everybody else fucking shit up. Your family is like a bunch of bad roommates. They never come to you and say, “Guess what, we just made $2,000 that you weren’t expecting!”

All of the financial news is bad news that ends up costing you something.

For instance, my five year old decided to put a stick down the toilet and flush it the other day. I don’t know why he did this — he’s always bringing sticks inside and pretending they are swords — but the plumber came out and had to undo the entire toilet and when he found a long stick in there my wife went to our five year old and said, “Lincoln, did you flush a stick down the toilet?”

And I swear to God this kid didn’t even blink and he said, “It was daddy.”

So my wife is like, “You think daddy decided to flush a stick down the toilet?” 

And he said, “Yes.”

This kid is a total sociopath. He’s the best liar I’ve ever seen. He’s going to be such a good president one day.  

Anyway, not long after that I’m in the bedroom and my five and eight year olds come running in and say, “Daddy, the ceiling just fell in.” And I think they’re making it up so I don’t even rush into the middle room and what do you know, they’re right, the goddamn ceiling has fallen in. Our house is three years old. And I’m sitting there staring up at the ceiling thinking, “What the fuck else can go wrong? How did the ceiling just stop working?”

As for reparations, I’d ask for forty acres and a mule. 

You said this in the Anonymous Mailbag last week, and I have to agree with you:

“For those of you who disagree with me, how strange would it be if the next time you went to a movie you had to stand for the national anthem before the movie started? That would be absurd, right?”

Well, I am active duty Air Force, stationed on an Army post, and we actually do that for movies playing in the post theater. I took my two year-old daughter to see “Zootopia” this weekend, and the “Star Spangled Banner” played right before the previews. Fortunately, we hadn’t even gotten to our seats yet, but it would have been awkward to try to get her to comply. I love my country, I love our National Anthem, but it’s weird to stand for it before a movie.

Please keep me anonymous lest I also get labeled a gay Muslim such as you’reself, despite my years of service.”

Several military people emailed to say that the national anthem plays before every movie when you watch on a base. 

So before you watch “Fast and The Furious 7” the national anthem plays? Are you a social pariah if you don’t stand? I was actually surprised that so many of you emailed that you also felt like the national anthem at pro sporting events was dumb.

Between this and my being pro-abortion we’ve got the makings of a really tiny political base.  

“I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a little over two years now. Like any relationship there are great times and not so great times. I’d say we both understand our parents’ flaws and weaknesses. Example: my mother is half crazy and my father can be obsessively controlling- neither of which are qualities I want to inherit.

I don’t have any issues with her mother, for the most part she’s great, but I can only take her in small doses if alcohol isn’t involved. (For the record I feel this way about probably 60-70% of the American female population.) I need your help answering this age old question: Do women eventually turn into their mothers? Physically and/or emotionally? Is this phenomenon only limited to women and not men becoming their fathers? What are the major factors that determine such a hypothesis?”

I’m not sure I buy this hypothesis because it seems like many women make a specific effort not to become their mothers. Now physically I think there’s probably some truth to it. If your mother-in-law is hot then the odds of your wife staying hot are pretty decent. Put it this way, how often do you see a hot 50 year old mom with an ugly 25 year old daughter?

But when it comes to behavior, I think lots of women specifically try not to be their moms. The mom and daughter relationship is definitely the most contentious in households. 

For men, I think it’s less forecastable. This might be because all old men eventually become hermits and don’t interact that much with other people. Think about all the old men you know, how often do they attend social events that their wife doesn’t set up? Women’s social networks get better as they age, men’s fall apart. About the age of 75 most men don’t do anything.

And regardless all men eventually end up the same — dead before their wives.   

This is why every time someone Tweets me about the wage gap going forward I’m going to tweet about the age gap. Men of all ages die before women do. They kill us.

“We work in an office building and share a bathroom with other offices on the floor. I have noticed something that happens pretty often here. A lot of the guys choose to piss in the stalls instead of the urinals even though the urinals are open. I get that most people don’t have urinals at home, but they will go into the bathroom and piss all of the toilet seat. Is this something that happens everywhere? It sucks for people who have to take a shit to have to clean off the toilet seat every time.

Are these guys worried about their dick size and don’t want the guy next to them to peer over the divider and see their little jimmy? The least they can do is put up the toilet seat but hardly any of them do that.

I would like to know what percentage of guys, when given the option, would chose a stall over a urinal.”

If you don’t use a urinal to pee in an uncrowded bathroom, I question your manhood.

There should be no disputing this in public work environments, toilets are for pooping, urinals are for peeing.  

The only exception I will allow is some guys get stage fright in crowded stadium or arena bathrooms. I’ll admit to being one of these guys. If there’s a long line I overthink how quickly I want to pee as if it’s a competition and it ends up hurting my time. I want everyone in line to be thinking, “Damn, did you see how fast that guy pissed?” And then if I don’t start peeing fast enough then it turns psychological and I can’t pee even if I have to go pee. I’m standing there thinking, “I am totally ruining this line’s average pee time.” There is no worse feeling than having to pee bad and not being able to pee.

I’m not sure when this issue would have started, but it occasionally rears its ugly head and is debilitating. A few times I’ve even had to pull the leave the urinal, go wash your hands like you just peed, and then surreptitiously go stand in line for the toilet move. Short of shitting yourself or dropping your phone in an overflowing feces-laden stadium toilet there’s nothing worse than this bathroom move.

“I hate to come off as a PCbro, but I can no longer sit by and watch the disenfranchisement of a certain group your mailbags have been committing so many micro-aggressions against. It started simply enough, I mean dick jokes are what you do. But recently there’s been a lot of talk about the size of dicks. From your brilliant analysis of good/bad dick days to the recent mic drop story. From the front runner in a presidential nomination to the NFL draft. But you crossed the line with a two word phrase in the draft article when you suggested they measure the “limp dick” of the prospects. Now, I see the reasoning behind it. Do we really want the awkwardness of draft hopefuls trying to get themselves hard for the measurement? Would there be combine fluffers? But this once again marginalizes a group that no one stands up for. So, like anyone who sees his people suffer I must rise to the occasion.

I write this today to bring much needed awareness to the grow-ers of the world. I know many regard us as myths but there are many of us who are embarrassingly small when flaccid, but have nothing to be ashamed of when standing at attention. My “limp dick” is maybe an inch and a half on a good dick day. If I bike to work on a cold morning, it’s practically inverted. But when my wife and I head to the bedroom, I’m 6″+ on a good day. Perhaps both measurements should be used at the combine. Maybe the factor of growth would indicate clutch performance, how well an athlete is able to rise to the occasion.

So this is my shout out to the grow-ers out there, we are not alone. We shouldn’t need to retreat into a safe zone the same way our dicks seem to retreat inside us when we get out of the pool. Take heart when you’re mocked in the locker room, because they don’t understand the true power we can unleash.”

There is no doubt that the grower community is discriminated against, primarily because no one believes the grower community actually exists. Growers just get cast into the small dick subset and are left there with no recourse to prove the size of their dicks other than releasing a sex tape or having an independent source measure your penis and validate your erect length.

So I can see your point here, what if a grower gets unfairly maligned at the combine? I think the only thing he can do to help his draft stock is release a sex tape. I’d love to hear Adam Schefter reporting on this: “Sources close to the Browns say that they were troubled by Jared Goff’s penis size, but his representatives held a screening of a porn tape starring Goff and his girlfriend for all 32 teams. GMs emerged from the showing not only impressed with Goff’s erect penis size, but also his fluid hip movements and endurance. They also cite Bret Favre as an alleged Hall of Fame grower. Said Titans GM Jon Robinson, “You’ve got to be careful here, sometimes big dicks mean Super Bowls, but sometimes they don’t.” 

By the way, I can see the advantages of hunter gatherer humans having a big limp dick, when you’re running around naked all day that’s like a caveman viral advertisement. (I’m picturing some guy’s dick going viral from campfire to campfire across the African savannah). But what’s the evolutionary advantage of a smaller limp penis that grows substantially for sex? Men with small penises are less likely to get caught by a lion’s paw? Tree branches don’t yank your dick off when you’re running from a jaguar?

I would love to know what the advantages are of being a shower. The same way I’d love to know why everyone hasn’t evolved to have a big dick. What trade offs come with having a big dick that lead to big dick genes not owning the human genome at this point? What evolutionary advantages does a small penis convey? I really should have been a penis scientist.  

“A buddy who travels extensively for work and I were debating this. I’m getting ready to go on my first overnight business trip this week. It is going to be myself with 6 women ranging in hotness from “totally doable” to “good lord, no, please God kill me now.” All of them are in long term, serious relationships. Only going to be there for 1 night. Other than to sleep, I will never be out of their presence. The question is this: do I stick a couple condoms in the toiletries bag, just in case?

I mean it’s 1 night. I live, work, and play my home games in the friend zone. I am probably as non-sexual to them as a wet towel that has been left outside overnight.”

A single man should always travel with condoms. 

What’s the worst case scenario here? Your condoms eventually expire because no one will sleep with you on the road. What does that cost you? $20? Imagine if you have a perfect opportunity to have sex — either with the women at work or someone else in the city — and no condoms.

So take them.

Also, why wouldn’t you be on Tinder the moment you get to a new city? Expand your playing field. 

Conversely, a married man should never travel with condoms. That’s a hard one to explain away. “Honey, I have no idea how those condoms got in my bag. They’re left over from ten years ago when I was still single.”

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Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.