Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, which means it’s time for the anonymous mailbag. 

This week’s cover image features Matthew Stafford’s fiancee Kelly Hall. Yep, she’s helping to further the trend of hot brides breaking out thong photos. 

God bless her. 

Let’s dive right in. 

“Ok so after hearing all the locked out of the hotel room stories and knowing my/our story is way better here goes. My wife and I were in Mexico on our honeymoon. We were at an all-inclusive resort aka free booze all day long. After drinking at the pool bar for 12+ hours we stumble back to our room with clear intentions of doing what every couple does on their honeymoon. My wife suggests ordering a XXX movie on the TV. Of course I say yes. We do our thing and I am nearing my end. At this time the porn on the TV has the guy “finishing” on the girls face, my wife says to me “you wanna try that?” YES, PLEASE. Keep in mind I am rip roaring drunk and I do as she asks and basically immediately pass out afterwards. My wife, also drunk beyond belief, stumbles towards the bathroom with a face covered in you know what. But she goes out the door into the hall. Door closes behind her and she is locked out. Panic hits in and she frantically bangs on the door over and over but I am out cold. This alarms our neighbors across the hall who call security. Two female employees come to our room right away and see my wife. All they say is “oh honey what the hell happened to you?” She explains and they let her in the room no questions asked.

As if that wasn’t enough, my wife’s parents bought us our trip for our wedding gift. So they were eventually billed $29.95 for our porno. My father in law waited over 4 years to tell me this.”

Every dad just made a mental note to never pay for his daughter’s honeymoon trip. 

“Clay,

I have been married almost 25 years to a fantastic wife. I have a career in sales that provides schedule flexibility and a boss who does not micro-manage. I play way too much golf, attend poker games with friends a couple of times a month, and hang out all the time. I’ve got it good and I know it. Rarely does my wife give me a hard time about doing this stuff without her. We both understood when we married that not only do we trust each other implicitly, we also value time spent “doing our own thing” is just as important as time spent together. I have my personal time and so does she.

Here is my question…do you think today’s wives distrust their husband’s more than earlier generations? I know this is hard to quantify/prove but how is it my co-workers/friends who are younger than me can’t freaking leave the house without their wives incessantly texting/calling them about what they are doing, how long will you be gone, and when the hell will they be home, etc.? These guys could be at work, have received the proverbial “kitchen” pass to golf on a rare Saturday or even play sanctioned poker on another “pass” (it really doesn’t matter) because all these dudes do is spend all day checking in with their spouses inventing reasons why they aren’t already home. I’m not unsympathetic to their having younger kids and the demands that creates with kids activities and so on (been there, done that) but it goes deeper than that. Are today’s millennial women more demanding and lacking enough self-esteem to permit their husbands a little “free” time without repercussions than of earlier generations? I simply don’t get it. Do they not trust us anymore? When I ask some of these folks if they want to play hooky they all have to literally beg for time away from their brides and family.

Obviously I want to keep this as anonymous as possible since my co-workers and friends read OKTC and I don’t want to catch the wrath of my pussified companions. What is the gay Muslim perspective on this?”

There’s a ton of attention paid to helicopter parenting, but no one ever pays attention to helicopter wifing. I don’t see husbands doing this to wives very often, but I’m sure there’s also helicopter husbanding — characterized by the obsessive checking in with a spouse all day long.

Every time I watch “Mad Men,” the thing I notice the most isn’t the drinking or the sex or the suits, but the fact that you could just disappear for a day even if you were a high powered executive and no one had any idea where you were or how to find you. You were literally unreachable. That wasn’t that long ago, right? Yet when was the last time that anyone reading the anonymous mailbag today was truly unreachable for longer than a plane flight? Many of you can’t even think of a time. (And those of you who can think of a recent time? The answer is almost always going to be because you went out of the country. But even then your wifi works, so I’d argue you were still pretty reachable.)

Think about how crazy this is. 

For just about all of human history we were unreachable by anyone other than the people we were within shouting distance of, now it’s impossible to ever escape contact with anyone. I think that constant ability to stay in touch has driven some women — and men — crazy when it comes to relationships.

Helicopter parenting, which has been written about a ton, is just scratching the surface. My theory is that helicoptering is taking place in all sorts of relationships now. At least with helicopter parenting you’re responsible for the kids you’re obsessing over, but with helicopter spousing you’re killing any independence that your spouse might otherwise feel. Because if you’re away from your spouse and you spend the entire time you’re away from the spouse checking in with your spouse, what’s the point of ever leaving at all? (I understand it more if you have young kids because being left alone with multiple young kids for too long can drive anyone insane, but if you don’t have kids why do you care so much where your significant other is at every moment of the day? Aren’t you happy to have time to yourself?)

I think we’re all addicted to technology in some respects — it’s why I put my phone where I can’t see it while I write and sometimes take days to respond to text messages — but I don’t think this makes wives less trusting now. I think they just have the means to grab their husbands by the lapels all day long and that this generation is so used to being reachable that most husbands and wives who are subject to this helicoptering don’t even think to complain. 

We’re all so used to helicoptering that no one even realizes how much it kills actual face-to-face interactions. Ultimately I think that technology is creating an entire generation of people who aren’t comfortable being alone for any length of time at all. The result is you have lots of ongoing relationships from a distance, but your actual face-to-face relationships are less substantial.   

“Clay,

Spring break is around the corner and girls are always doing last minute things to drop some unwanted pounds.

This brings me to my next point… My roommate and I always had this genius plan, or so we thought, to take laxatives one week out from our trip.

As you can imagine, this plan has some flaws. My roommate decided to go ahead and buy the laxatives. She took 2. Nothing happened. So she took 3 more. And we went to class. I get a frantic text mid class saying “we have to go. The laxatives have kicked in..”

Case in point, my roommate almost shit her pants and I made out without any casualties. Lesson learned.

Do you think other people have success with this method/are the side effects worth the (possible) result?” 

Anything that you try that has a side effect of shitting your pants sounds like an awful idea. Just think about how you’d pitch this if you were a sales person, “Okay, you might lose a little weight, but the downside is you might shit your pants in public.”

Does that sound like a risk/reward that makes sense?

As soon as “shit your pants.” is a potential danger, I’m out.  

Here is my advice to everyone reading this as spring break or beach season nears: You care about what you look like in a bathing suit much more than anyone else cares what you look like in a bathing suit.

I’m not saying don’t try to be in shape or don’t pick the best bathing suit, I’m just saying that the amount of time you spend worrying about what you look like in a bathing suit is much more time than anyone else will spend worrying about what you look like in a bathing suit. (I say this with full knowledge of the irony of Stafford’s fiancee’s bikini picture above. If you are smoking hot and in a bikini more people will notice you, clearly. But not for negative reasons so the lesson remains the same). 

Here is my further advice to girls on the beach, you’re lucky because 99% of guys will be distracted by whatever your best physical asset is. If you have good boobs, buy a bikini top that makes your boobs look great. If you have a good ass, buy bottoms that make your ass look better. If you have great legs, you get my drift here…

Find out what your best asset is and feature it in the bathing suit.

Guys are dumb, easily distracted, and predisposed to like you more the less clothes you are wearing. That will get the trick done.   

Good luck. 

“So about 4 years ago a girlfriend at the time and I went to a hypnotist show at a comedy club. We were sitting in the front row and the hypnotist told all the people on stage to close their eyes and when they opened them, the audience would be naked. 

The hypnotist asked a 50ish old man next to us to stand up. The hypnotist then asked a girl on stage what did she she think about the older man. She replied with a “nice leopard print thong. Sexy.” 

The hypnotist then asked me to stand up on the chair in front of everybody. The hypnotist then asked another girl on stage what she thought about me. She replied with, “That’s the smallest dick I’ve ever seen.” The room of about 150 people started laughing out loud. As anybody would, I quickly sat down with my face being blood red. 

My question to you. After the dick comment, if I was single at the time, was my chances to get laid by some drunk girl there at the comedy club all but shot?”

A girl at a comedy club would have to be really dumb to believe that being hypnotized allows someone to see through pants. Although, to be fair, if you had a gigantic penis, I doubt you’d be worried about what a girl said about you four years ago at a comedy club.  

Take a tip from Frozen and let it go.  

Also, according to the latest penis study, most penises aren’t actually that big. 

“Clay –

Please keep this anonymous, as I don’t want want Chris Hansen showing up in my kitchen.

I have three boys. My oldest son is an almost 16 year-old high school sophomore, and started “dating” last summer. He’s a good kid – an athlete and almost straight A student. Here’s my problem – these girls he’s “dating” – total smokeshows!

I’m in my early forties and these girls are sixteen. Heck, as boys we started trying to get a hold of Playboys or scrambled porn when we were what – 10? 11? 12? Even as grown, married men, we’re always thinking: what does she look like naked? Are those real or fake? Is she good in bed? Does she give blow jobs? Did she get turned on by Fifty Shades of Grey?

Basically, am I destined to a life of thinking “Think pure thoughts… think pure thoughts…” around my son’s girlfriends, and eventually wife? Does every guy go through this as they age?”

You know an anonymous mailbag email is going to be good when it begins, “Please keep this anonymous, as I don’t want Chris Hansen showing up in my kitchen.”

You have to be careful here because if you follow the natural flow of this email far enough it ends with you on the witness stand offering this sterling legal defense, “Sure, she’s sixteen years old, but she sure didn’t look sixteen!”

And then you go to jail. 

But to answer your question, I think it’s impossible for any man of any age not to notice attractive women. Here you know their ages, but would you in public? Say, on the beach? I doubt it. The difference between how a sixteen year old girl dresses on the beach and how a 26 or 36 year old girl dresses on the beach, is almost nonexistent today.

I don’t think it used to be that way.

Somehow all attractive women, regardless of age, have ended up making the same fashion, hair, and clothing decisions. The young girls all want to look older and the older women all want to look younger. The result is they all look pretty similar. 

Last year in Sandestin I met a reader on the beach. He was watching his kids build a sandcastle and drinking on the beach. Several groups of girls walked by and he turned to me and said, “I can’t even tell who the moms are anymore.”

That pretty much sums it up.  

“Clay,

My ex-wife and I have been divorced for 13 years. We have continued to maintain a sexual relationship on a fairly regular basis all this time. These encounters take place when we are both single and just need a little something from time to time. We kinda joke about it at times but we often wonder if this is something that is a common deal or are we a rare example of two people who can’t get along when it comes to everyday life but in the sack it works great. Frankly it’s kind of exciting in a dirty secret, slutty way. Know what I mean?  We both understand the deal and there are no hard feelings when one of us pursues a relationship with somebody else and it gets put on hold. Nobody else knows about our arrangement. So are we weird? Is this fairly normal? Thoughts?”

So you get to sleep with your ex-wife and you have no responsibilities?

And you’re worried about whether this is weird or normal?

That’s like winning the goddamn lottery and complaining about how much money you can withdraw from the ATM at one time. 

“So my wife (of 15 years) and I are watching Netflix the other night and decide to watch a movie called “Mercy”, starring Ellen Barkin. Anyway, about halfway through this “erotic thriller”, there is a changing room scene between two women (one of which is La Femme Nikita, Peta Wilson). The wife stops the movie, looks my way and says “You’re not into this are you?” and proceeds to start browsing netflix again. Putting aside the fact that I messed up by allowing her to have the remote in the first place, is it time for marriage counseling, a man-cation or do I just bite my tongue as we watch another episode of house hunters together?”

I’m totally baffled by your wife’s decision here. There are only two options as to why she changed the channel at that moment:

1. She was being incredibly sarcastic, expected you to object and you didn’t, so she went ahead and changed the channel because the movie was bad;

or 

2. You’ve been married 15 years and she doesn’t realize that when two women are naked and making out, you don’t want the channel changed. 

I don’t know which is worse. 

You don’t change the “erotic thriller” during a a sex scene. You chance the erotic thriller during the awful dialogue scenes between the sex scenes. So if she changed the channel during the sex scene she was potentially being funny and you missed her sarcasm and she just let it pass as she thought, for the four billionth time during your marriage, “Why is my husband so dumb?”

Or, and this is even more troubling, you’re living some sort of double life over the past 15 years so that your wife has no idea that two women naked and making out is something you’d like to watch on television.

These are the only two options.

I hope it’s number one and that you enjoyed house hunters.

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to clay.travis@gmail.com

Anonymity guaranteed. 

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.