Anonymous Mailbag

Charlotte McKinney, Kliff Kingsbury

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag. 

We’ll be doing a 3 et Outkick Show today and a primetime reaction show to the five primaries and the Vandy-Wichita State game.

Here was yesterday’s show on the Duke Lacrosse 30 for 30. I think y’all will enjoy it. 

On to the anonymous mailbag.  

“My wife recently had our second son. Well on my way to the Travis trifecta. The kid decided to arrive a bit early and spent some time in the NICU. On a scale of 1-Donald Trump drooling over his daughter how creepy is it to rate the hotness of the NICU nurses while they tend to my preemie son? The fact that my very pregnant wife wanted nothing to do with me the last month made it uh… difficult to not scout the prospects.

FYI there was some legit blue chip talent.

P.S. Will I ever get to have sex with my wife again?”

Actual text message received from a college friend on the birth of his first child: “Baby’s here. All good. P.S. the nurses are really hot.”

I think you have to scout the NICU talent. Imagine what would happen if the ZIKA virus suddenly turned airborne and deadly within two hours of infection and only the people in the NICU’s filtered air survived the outbreak. Your wife — who tragically died while trying to figure out how to use the breast pump with the lactation specialists at the hospital — is no longer around and you are required to help restock the world population.

You can’t waste time figuring out the optimal candidate to restock the world population. YOU HAVE TO KNOW.

This is akin to designing a play to run in a football game just in case you need to win the national title on the final play. You don’t want to be making it up on the fly. You’re obligated to rank the NICU nurses based on their hotness.   

For America. 

Assuming the world doesn’t end and your wife survives you will sleep together again when she decides to have a third child. So in about 18 months. 

“I am an extremely average 37 year old male, by average I mean in all respects, attractiveness, income, vertical jump, hotness of wife etc. At times I will be out on my street watching my average children play, and the daughter of an older neighbor who is driving by will stop and talk to me for a few minutes. She is a college girl that would probably be considered “hot” by other young people, so to guys in their 30’s she’s Helen of Troy.

At any rate, our conversations are never of a personal nature and typically last anywhere from 5-10 minutes.

Now, understanding how completely average I am in all of the categories listed above (as well as any other category you can come up with) why is it that there is a part of me deep down that thinks she probably wants to bang me?

In fact, I think the same small part of me believes that pretty much any woman would be into me if they knew me well enough, like if me and some supermodel got stuck on an elevator, she’d be all about it after an hour or two. My ego tells me this despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, I didn’t get girls like that even when I was younger, and I currently live with a woman who knows me really well and she pretty much never wants to bang me, so where does this come from?

Is this a normal part of the male psyche? Do you feel like every other gay Muslim Jew you meet is probably into you on some level?  Is that what male privilege is, the torment of unrealistically thinking that lots of chicks are hot for you? Or have we all just seen so much pornography at this point in our lives that our reality is distorted?”

Porn definitely distorts reality — that’s why the percentage of girls in their twenties who take facials continues to grow — but your thought process is totally normal from a biological perspective. That is, male self confidence has to be greater than actual circumstances would justify in order for the species to continue. 

Let me explain: Attractive women can pretty much have sex any time they want. This is why women aren’t that sexually driven. Sex is too easy for them. I mean, your average hot woman could walk into a gas station and if she tried to have sex with men in there for thirty minutes a guy would bang her in his car. Could any smoking hot guy in America get a girl to bang him after thirty minutes in a gas station hitting on girls by the rotating hot dogs? Maybe Dicaprio or Timberlake could do it. And I’m not even sure they could. 

My point here is that men typically have to work hard to get women to sleep with them. We usually have to hit on women in order for reproduction to ensue and hitting on women requires the confidence to believe that women want to be hit on by you. Even if, as is often the case, you’re horribly mistaken and a woman has no interest in talking to you. The fascinating thing here is, if you truly believe that women want to sleep with you then they do because confidence is the ultimate aphrodisiac (Well, that and money. But money is also rooted in biology. Why do women like guys with money? Because guys with money can better protect and nurture a woman’s potential offspring. The more money and resources a man has the better the chances a woman’s children will survive to adulthood.) This is why the cockiest men have the most sex.

Basically, the older I get the more convinced I am that everything is rooted in biology. 

That’s why I want to start making “Biology is sexist” tshirts to wear around. 

Here’s what I’d love: the ability to compare the hot college girl’s thoughts to your own during your conversation. At any point in time has she thought about banging the average dad who lives next door? And does she realize that you want to bang her? (If she’s a hot college girl she may just, accurately, assume that every guy she talks with wants to bang her. Although, to be honest, the number of women who don’t realize that many men are talking to them just on the off chance that they might be able to bang them is astounding).

Anyway, in addition to be being completely average your thoughts are, not surprisingly, completely average as well.  

“You bringing up the Jameis Winston incident on the 30 for 30 Duke Lacrosse periscope inspired me to go watch the 10 minute video where Erica Kinsman, Jameis’s accuser, comes out and tells her story. Have you ever addressed how different this story would have been covered if Jameis was white and Kinsman was black? It would have been totally different right? The Duke 30 for 30 shows us that everyone would have immediately assumed white Jameis was a guilty, raping racist. But because he is black and Kinsman is an attractive white girl, assuming Jameis is guilty is received as being racist. Would love to hear you explore this topic.”

There’s a decent chance Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson are leading campus protests if Jameis is white and the girl is black. I don’t doubt this at all. Especially if, as is the case here, two white teammates barged in during the sex, taped it on their cell phone, later destroyed that cell phone, and subsequently filed affidavits with the exact same wording saying the sex was consensual. The Tallahassee police never investigating this rape would be an example of “white privilege” — as would retaining a top attorney and not ever speaking with authorities investigating the rape — and FSU’s failure to investigate the rape of a black woman by a white man would be an example of racism.

Ironically enough there would also be a cottage industry of sports media arguing that things would be totally different if he were black and she was white. Hell, Deadspin would write that story every day for a year.

All the PC bros would be pretending they were Mathew McConaughey in “A Time to Kill,” giving his closing speech about closing your eyes and imagining she’s white. Everyone would fall all over themselves to say that a black quarterback would never be able to get away with doing the same thing to a white student. 

Except, you know, he did exactly that. 

If you doubt that our country’s racial attitudes have changed, think about if the Winston case happened in north Florida in 1958 or 1962. There’s a decent chance Jameis Winston is lynched by rednecks for allegedly raping a white woman. Now those same rednecks are all on Twitter defending Jameis Winston to their dying breath.

It’s almost like being good at football matters more than your race.*  

*That’s sarcasm, of course it does.  

The more I study cases like these, the more I come to the same conclusion, money and power is infinitely more important than race in our country. People arguing otherwise are idiots. Green matters much more than white or black. 

If you doubt me, ask O.J. 

“I’m having an argument with my wife over something silly and we need you to settle it since you’re the sultan of stupid shit.

My wife thinks I’m a pervert. (I mean, I am, but she thinks I’m a pervert for the wrong reasons). She thinks I’m a pervert because she’s hot and I want to show her off. Not like make her walk naked through the mall, but as in have permission to show off some of her sexy pics. I did this when we first got together. She sent me something and I showed it to a buddy and when I mentioned it to her she nearly broke up with me. Since then I’ve kept all her pics to myself, but I would love to be able to show her off to my friends.

She thinks there’s something wrong with me that seeing her naked “isn’t enough.” She think it’s perverted to “need other men to see her” but any young guy with a smoking hot wife wants to flaunt what he’s got, right? She also thinks you’re a pervert, but she thinks you represent what’s normal. So we’ve come to ask you, is it perverted to want to show off your wife’s body to your buddies? Not post her all over the internet or email all acquaintances, but just show a close pal a pic of your wife.”

I don’t think your desire is perverted at all, I think most guys want to show off their wives to one degree or another. If you don’t want to show off your wife then you’re probably not proud of her.

Think of it this way, every woman shows off the engagement ring that she gets from her fiance, right? And if she doesn’t show it off then it’s probably a huge indictment of the guy. What does that ring represent? A commitment to the woman that, at least on some level, she is bragging about to her friends. Flashing an engagement ring is the ultimate — HE PICKED ME — billboard. You’re proud of your mate and you want everyone to know how proud of him you are.

If a guy gets engaged, he doesn’t have a ring to point to. Most guys judge a guy’s decision based on the hotness of his fiancee. That’s just reality. It’s also the entire genesis of the name of this website. All the PC bros are running around with their hands on top of their heads, surrender cobra style, right now, screaming, “I DON’T JUDGE WOMEN BY HOW THEY LOOK! IT’S SO SEXIST TO LIKE FEMALE BODY PARTS! YOU KNOW THE ONLY FEMALE BODY PART I CARE ABOUT? THE BRAIN AND THE HEART.”

Really, they are. 

That’s why one of my biggest issues with the PC bro community is this — they don’t even believe what they’re saying. They’re just doing it for show. Yep, PC bros are trying to get banged by being PC bro. 

(By the way, my theory — PC bros are actually the biggest perverts out there. They watch the freakiest porn and secretly have the strangest sexual urges and they’re overcompensating for their weirdness by pretending to be a PC bro. Just like the guys who are the most homophobic are secretly gay, the same is true of PC bros. They’re out here tearfully masturbating to weird ass anime porn and then getting on Twitter and decrying misogyny.) 

But — and this is key — I also think your wife is right that you shouldn’t show your friend pictures of her naked. The desire is not abnormal or perverse, but we can’t necessarily act on every sexual desire we have. I have to believe this because otherwise I’d probably spend the rest of my life living in a Thai whorehouse.

“In undergrad, some buddies and I were in Florida for Spring Break. One of the guys with us, who I will call Dwight for this story, was just a total ass all week trying to dictate everything the group did. At the beginning of the week, Dwight bought a bottle of ranch dressing and ate it on everything throughout the week. Well, about midway through the week, one of the other guys with us, who I’ll call Jim, had had enough of Dwight. Jim took Dwight’s bottle of ranch out of the fridge, went back to an empty bedroom with it, and jacked off in the bottle of ranch dressing. Not only did Dwight use that ranch the rest of the week, he brought it back home with him and continued to use it. Dwight still has no clue this happened. Should we tell him?”

Not unless you want a murder to happen. I mean, if you find out that you ate an entire bottle of ranch dressing after another guy you know jacked off in it, I think you have to kill him. 

And I’m honestly not sure whether an entire jury of men would even convict another man for murder in this instance. Women would, but I think men might consider this rough justice.

This is like the modern day insanity defense. The defense counsel could put the murderer on the stand and say, “Now, is it true that the deceased jacked off into your ranch dressing bottle and then you consumed the entire bottle without his knowing?”

Murderer: “Yes.”

Lawyer: “The defense rests.” 

“I go to several St. Louis Blues games a year and during a commercial break, they recognize a “Service Member of the Game”. Current and former military can enter a drawing and if you win, that person and a guest get nice free seats in the lower bowl. During the allotted commercial break, the PA Announcer says the person’s name, rank, military branch and their various accomplishments during their career. Everyone stands and it’s one of the loudest moments of the game with a lot of clapping and cheering, but I’ve always been uncomfortable with this.

I served 4 years in the United States Marine Corps and luckily I came out of it with no physical scars and I’ve gotten over a lot of mental hangups that were primarily self-inflicted. Personally, I would be uncomfortable having 19,000 people stand, clap, and cheer for me, because I didn’t do anything special. I was immature when I started college at 18, was underperforming in class and the military looked like the perfect path to make me into a man. Overall, it was a great experience and I used the GI Bill to get through college, pass the CPA Exam and currently I’m an accountant with a fantastic company.

There are some people in the military that did some truly admirable things, acts of courage and love of their comrades that are worthy of recognition. However, a lot of these people that receive heaps of applause are doing very ordinary things during their enlistment. I think one of the unintended consequences of abolishing the draft is that people who enlist are such a small percentage of the population, the general population overcompensates with clichés and in the case of this, a sense of obligation to stand, clap and cheer. I haven’t asked around at work, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I was the only or one of a handful of people in a building of hundreds that served. USMC Military Policeman to corporate accounting isn’t a lateral move, I suppose.

I’d love to know the percentage of people like me who’d rather sit in their seats, but stand and clap because of fear that they’d be looked at like some barbaric radical. The standing and clapping to me feels so superficial and do you think this is just the other side of the “rape and racism are bad” PC coin? Does this feel like quasi-fascism to anyone else?”

I think there are lots of people who stand up out of obligation. I’ll even take this a step further, I’ve argued that playing the national anthem before pro sporting events is absurd. (I’ll make an exception for the Olympics and, potentially, college games since most of these schools are state funded.) I’m at an NFL game solely for entertainment. There is nothing patriotic about the NFL or the NBA or the NHL or Major League Baseball. These are corporate businesses trying to take my money in exchange for putting on a show.

Why do we play the national anthem or fly airplanes over stadiums before football games?

For those of you who disagree with me, how strange would it be if the next time you went to a movie you had to stand for the national anthem before the movie started?

That would be absurd, right?

So why isn’t it equally absurd before a pro sporting event?

Just because something is a tradition doesn’t mean it makes sense. I think this is a great example of right wing PC culture. “Support the troops!” Hey, asshole, no one is anti-troops. Just like no one is anti racism or pro rape. 

Here’s what I’m also uncomfortable with about the entire process — the NFL GOT PAID FOR THESE CEREMONIES. THEY WERE COMMERCIALS. This is what corporations do, they find things that America likes and make money off of them. The NFL has wrapped itself in the flag because it’s good business to be on the side of “America, fuck yeah,” as opposed to “America, fuck no.”

On top of the patriotism for sale angle of these parts of the show — it’s incredibly stupid to lionize someone for their job. It’s just lazy. People in the military are just like people who aren’t in the military — some are great at what they do, some are felons, most are just pretty average guys and girls. It’s lazy to pretend that a job selection makes you a good person. 

I’m a season ticket holder to the Titans game and I remember one year we had my then-four year old at the game and I sat down with him in my lap after he’d fallen asleep. And then it was time to support the troops and the entire stadium stood up and then I stood up too and I turned to my wife and said, “If I don’t stand up when the troops are supported, I’ll get a phone call on the radio show asking why I didn’t support the troops.”

I wasn’t even kidding. 

Since that time I now send a text message to my good friend every time the troops are being supported at a pro sports event. It simply says, “Support the troops!” 

“I’d like to get your take on a topic that I’m sure many other married guys are frustrated with – the disappearance of BJ’s after they got married.

I’m guessing I’m in a similar boat as many other married men, to where my sex life isn’t awful but I almost always want more than what I get, I’m guessing over the course of the year it’s probably 6-7 per month. Not great, not terrible. However, I’m baffled at the declining amount of blow jobs that I’ve been the recipient of, over the years of our relationship.

It’s gotten to the point that it’s a rarity, like maybe once every couple months. As compared to when we were dating and it was several times a month at least. What gets me even more than that though, is that even when I can tell my wife doesn’t want sex – she will still do that over giving me oral sex. To me the reasonable choice would be a couple minute BJ as opposed to sex when you’re not into it at all. I feel like it should be at least 1 per month, especially when it is “that week” and sex is mostly off the table.”

You can have kids or blow jobs. 

Not both. 

(I know, I know, you can also have kids without getting married, but then odds are you end up living in a trailer.)

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.