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It’s Tuesday, time for the greatest weekly column on the Internet — the anonymous mailbag!
Send your questions to email@example.com, anonymity guaranteed.
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Okay, here we go with the anonymous mailbag.
“I write to you asking for you to address one of the most underprivileged groups in America. In fact, some would say that they are as non-privileged as hot girls are privileged: short men. I am currently a medical student near the top of his class who is just quite frankly not tall (5’6″). We recently had a surgeon lecture us who couldn’t have been more than 5’8”. This guy is a good looking man fresh out of residency and as a surgeon is making obscene money. After his lecture, one of my classmates asked a female classmate if she was going to try to get with him and upgrade husbands, only for her to respond “No way, he’s too short.”
This chick is married to a total loser who is neither attractive nor intelligent and does not make good money at all. He is the guy that no one would want for their daughters. Aside from the obvious obstacle of divorce, I think she is fundamentally a psycho (I’ll give you the diagnostic criteria if you want them) for valuing height over having a significant other who isn’t a total waste. I just think it’s obscene that my being short hurts me more than being about to become a surgeon helps me. What are your thoughts on this? I’ve accepted the fact that I’ll never be tall and am able to make jokes about it at my own expense, but it is discouraging nonetheless.”
There is zero doubt that short men are the most discriminated against group of people in America today. The second most discriminated against group is fat chicks and the third most discriminated group is bald men.
Think of it this way, if you told a six foot black man — since everyone hates black men according to MSESPN — you can be white, but you have to be short and bald, is there any black man in America who makes this trade?
If you are a short and bald man you might as well just give up on life. Seriously, in the history of modern American life there are only three successful short, bald men — Danny Devito, Jason Alexander in the role of George Costanza, and Boss Hogg — and all three of these men owed their comedic success to the fact that they were short and bald.
There is a 0% chance that America would ever elect a short, bald man President. We could have a dude who was a modern day Abraham Lincoln mixed with George Washington mixed with FDR and he’d have no shot at getting elected if he were short and bald.
We didn’t even elect short, bald men president before television. I just went and looked at everyone’s official portraits and then cross-referenced it with their officially listsed heights and the only short, bald men ever elected president are John Quincy Adams, who is listed at 5’7.5″ (his official height included an extra half inch which is the most short man move possible) and Martin Van Buren who was 5’6″. But given the fact that the average man was 5’7″ in that era both these men were totally normal height, so they don’t even count as short if you actually consider their heights at the time they were elected.
That means America has never elected a short, bald man President.
This isn’t surprising because women don’t even feel bad about eliminating guys from the dating pool based entirely on their height. There’s no purely physical trait that a guy can eliminate a woman for and not suffer from societal condemnation. For instance, lots of guys won’t date fat chicks, but if you just straight out tell a girl that you won’t date another girl because she’s fat, girls lose their minds. But if a girl tells a guy she won’t date another guy because he’s too short or because he’s bald, no one even blinks.
And unlike a woman being fat, which can be combatted by exercise and diet, being short and bald is entirely genetic and virtually impossible to overcome. Sure, you can pay tons of money to try and get your hair back, but it may not work and you have to be pretty rich to afford it. And there’s nothing an adult man can do to make himself taller. (Except wear lifts in his shoes, which everyone ridicules.)
Further, I just conducted my own anonymous mailbag experiment on height.
My wife is 5’2″ and I just asked her if she would have dated me if I were 5’4″ instead of 6 foot. (Note: I would have still been taller than her at that height.) Her response, “Maybe. You would have had to be funnier.”
So my own wife wouldn’t have dated me if I’d been shorter. (To be fair, I definitely wouldn’t have dated my wife if she were fat).
What’s a word we can coin to use all the time here? Heightism? I’m sick of all this heightism. (Note: I’m not actually sick of it because I’m above average height so this discrimination actually favors me thanks to my #heightprivilege).
I’m sorry short dudes.
You really are the most discriminated people in America today and there isn’t even a close second. If women got discriminated against like this for a physical trait they couldn’t control it would be talked about all the time. But short dudes just get crushed in public all the time and no one even blinks.
This American heightism disgusts me.
“I’m in a bit of a predicament. My wife no longer wants to take birth control because of the way it makes her feel (she’s tried several). So now she thinks it’s a good idea for me to get a vasectomy. At first, I was adamant that this was not an option. But one day when the subject came up, I half-jokingly said that I would get one if she would get a boob job. She immediately agreed without hesitation, which brings us to my dilemma: should I go through with this? And if so, how should I proceed? Should I make her get the boob job first just in case she gets cold feet?
To help you better counsel me through this problem, here is a little background. We are about 99.9% sure that we never want to have kids. We are both in our mid-twenties and will be moving to Europe for a new job opportunity. So needless to say we really don’t have time for an “accident” at this point in our lives. That being said, here are my main concerns (1) will my equipment still work as needed and (2) what if we change our minds down the road about the whole “not having kids” thing, and I’m shooting blanks.
Knowing that you are both wise and a fake-boob connoisseur, I would greatly appreciate your advice.”
Mid-twenties is WAY too young to get a vasectomy. You and your wife may both think you don’t want kids now, but plenty of people change their minds once they get into their 30’s and realize marriage is pretty boring if you don’t have kids. How many movies and dinners and fabulous vacations can you take with the same person?
So you getting snipped is a really bad idea.
Further, about half of all marriages end in a divorce. So what if you and your wife get divorced and then you decide you want the vasectomy reversed? Put simply, you’re too young to make this decision.
Related: my wife wanted me to get a vasectomy after our third kid, but when I went to the consultation I said to the doctor, “This is just a hypothetical, but what if my wife dies and it turns out there’s a Victoria’s Secret model who is a huge Outkick fan, but she will only be with me if I can have children?”
And the doctor said, “No one has ever asked me that specific of a hypothetical before.”
And I said, “That’s how you make big money, doc, by thinking ahead.”
So I didn’t get a vasectomy. (Also, I didn’t have a vasectomy because I’d be perfectly fine having a fourth kid. We’d have an entire basketball team then if you count me.)
Regardless, you can’t do this.
But your wife should definitely get boobs.
That’s only fair.
“My wife and I are what you would consider boring “steady eddy’s”. We always are the ones you can count on to be there to help and to never do anything crazy. We are both mid 30s and a fun night is being in bed by 9:30. Last week my wife was sought out for a job out of state that is huge for her career. It would be roughly 6 hours away. Like it’s a massive opportunity if it works out. So we decided to make the decision to see what happens and to potentially take this job if it works. My wife has busted her ass for many years to get where she has and I’m proud as hell for her to get an opportunity like this. Also let me be upfront, I just have a job, it’s a paycheck that pays bills and really isn’t a drop in the bucket to what she makes. I out kicked my coverage big time and the least I can do is help and support her in every way. We are a team and it’s just what we do. So my moving to support her career is what it is. Anyways I digress…we tell our parents about it and it comes as a complete shock and surprise that we would even consider it. Gasps all around etc… My question to you is what is your opinion on leaving your state and home for a job opportunity and the risk/reward of it? We have no children and it’s just the two of us so we see it as exciting and an awesome opportunity.”
Tell your parents to get over it. Plus, let’s be honest, you’re in your thirties and you haven’t given them grandchildren yet. They already hate you.
More seriously, if you have an incredible job opportunity you can’t refuse it just because it requires a move. Especially here where both of you are excited about the opportunity and it could lead to even better opportunities in the future.
I also wonder, to be honest, whether your parents reaction would be the same if you were moving because you had an incredible job opportunity instead of your wife. Is their reaction partly based on your wife having the opportunity and being the primary breadwinner in your relationship?
This seems like sexism to me. (Note: it may not be sexism at all, but if you can accuse someone else of being racist or sexist it makes you more popular with liberal people and allows you to virtue signal. And I figure if anyone needs to virtue signal it’s an irredeemable asshole like me.)
“I have been in a relationship with this girl for a little over half a year now. Things have been pretty good so far between us. We have a great time together and we rarely argue or bicker about anything. I am 26 and in law school and she is a couple years younger. To be clear, I haven’t seen anything that would make me doubt at all that she isn’t wife material. She’s smart, funny, has a good, steady job, and good with finances and everything of the sort.
Anyways, I have been with and hung out with her around her family multiple times. Her family can best be described in a stereotypical manner as trailer trash. They do not live in a trailer, they actually have a decently nice house. However, her family has a lot of problems. Her older brother is a nice dude but is best described as a drug addict, her mom is an alcoholic and possibly still a stoner, and her dad has gambling problems and is generally just not a good father. I don’t see any of these issues in her at all. She is aware they suck and doesn’t like visiting them much, but they’re still her family and she seems to forget how much she can’t stand them, until she visits them again and is immediately reminded.
Now, this is where I come to an older, wiser, gay Muslim lawyer such as yourself for advice. Again, I am not planning on proposing to her in the immediate future, but down the road I would otherwise say I definitely would be. However, her family scares me. Let’s say we got married and had kids. I don’t think I’d even want my kid to be around that environment, without me there at least. Never mind the fact that I don’t know if I could really develop a great relationship with any of them…I was visiting during bowl season and we had a decent time watching college football and talking, but still, I was uncomfortable. They had no problem loudly arguing amongst themselves with me right there. This is my first experience with something like this in the dating world. Although it has nothing to do with her (I think/hope), how should I approach this? Is this something I should be wary of, or is it not fair to ever hold it against her in the future, especially because she is aware of it as well?”
“Her older brother is a nice dude but is best described as a drug addict,” is one of the funniest descriptions I have ever read. I would read any book or short story that began with this line.
This is a real challenge that many people face. If you’re considering marrying someone, how much do you factor in your negative opinion of his/her family into the equation? (The reverse could also be true. If you love someone’s family how much tougher is it to break up with them?)
I think you have to factor in the family’s negative impact quite a bit, but I’d honestly run through this checklist whether you are a guy or a girl and don’t like your significant other’s family:
1. How close will you live to his/her family?
Now proximity isn’t a total arbiter of frequency of contact, but in general the closer you live to family members the more often you see them/attend family-related events. If you can live far away you can limit that family’s contact with your own and henceforth you don’t need to worry as much about them.
2. Will you be responsible for any future care of family members other than his/her parents?
Some dating partners have — how shall I put this nicely — total fuck ups for siblings. Is someone in jail, do they have severe health issues, mental or physical, are they just generally incapable of taking care of themselves or remaining employed? I think you have to factor this in because those siblings might end being your responsibility one day.
The flip side is also true. If someone’s family member is a senator or the CEO of a major company, that wold work in their favor. Just like if your brother-in-law is in jail for murder or rape, it’s a check mark against them.
3. Does the family have severe health issues, mental or physical, or severe genetic defects?
It might sound crass, but if you found out that half his/her family had schizophrenia, I’d be terrified to have children and factor that in to my future plans. Same thing if half the kids in a family were born dwarfs.
Now none of these things are definite deal breakers, but I certainly think the more issues that surround a potential husband or wife’s family the more you have to be convinced that he/she’s the one to make the decision to commit to them for the rest of your life.
“On one of your shows you stated, “I can fix any of your problems,” and I immediately became hopeful for your wise counsel.
Although only self-diagnosed, I believe with all of my heart that I suffer from micro-penis.
Now, some people may think this is funny, but I believe it’s a disability and doubt these same people would laugh at someone with autism. I received a terminal degree, have a great job, and am married with two kids. On the outside (of my pants), I’m a relatively successful person, despite my disability.
Ironically, I have taken the clever guise of hiding in plain sight. With almost every opportunity, I use tiny penis jokes to ease the tension and make people think “Oh, he must be joking because he’s so confident.” My wife, bless her heart, always covers for me claiming it’s not true, but I am really good at it and somehow people actually believe I have a Steve McNair penis.
My 5-year-old son recently pulled his pants down in the cafeteria in front of all of his kindergarten classmates. I wasn’t mad at him, nor did I discipline him, I was just discouraged I never had the confidence to do the same. I would love to be able to take and send dick pics, truly pleasure my wife, or just walk around with no pants.
Let’s put it this way, if I was being drafted and the NFL decided to use the Travis’ dick measuring metric, I wouldn’t get drafted. I am a 5-star heart, 1-inch penis recruit.
At age 35 do I just give up hope and learn to live with it? What would you recommend?”
I don’t know how you can change your penis size. If you could, every man would have a ten inch — or larger — penis. To ease your concerns, men are way more obsessed with penis sizes than women are. In fact, if you gave women these two options: a. you can marry a millionaire with a three inch penis or b. you can marry a man with a ten inch penis, but he will never make more than $40k a year, just about every woman in America is picking option a.
Bonus: unlike your penis size, you can control how much money you make. So get to work.
(If you are a man who will never make more than $40k a year and you have a tiny penis, I’d suggest you stay a virgin until marriage and cite religious reasons as your rationale even though that won’t be true at all.)
You’re married and you have two kids so you have a functional tiny penis and working sperm. (Unless your wife is screwing a guy with a gigantic penis on the side and he’s actually your children’s father. I’m picturing his gigantic penis sperm laughing at your tiny penis sperm as they swim down your wife’s fallopian tubes to fertilize her eggs. Maybe this is why your five year old is so confident about his penis.)
Also, sure, Steve McNair had a gigantic penis, but he was murdered by his mistress, who killed him despite his gigantic penis. Look on the bright side, maybe you’re alive today because of your tiny penis?
Futher, there must be an evolutionary advantages to having a tiny penis, right? Otherwise all the tiny penis genes would have been erased via evolution and every man would have a gigantic penis instead. Bang, I’m the Charles Darwin of penises.
So what are those benefits?
Maybe you can’t get cancer. Maybe every man who lives to be 100 has a tiny penis. Maybe you are much more likely to survive combat because whereas men with normal sized penises would have gotten hit by a bullet in the dick, yours just passed through your pants without a scrape on you.
If so, congrats on your own form of longevity. And on beating cancer.
You’re a hero. (with a tiny penis).
Send your anonymous mailbag questions to firstname.lastname@example.org, anonymity guaranteed.
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