Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag. 

As always you can email me questions — guaranteed to remain anonymous — at clay.travis@gmail.com

Let’s roll. 

“Ok Clay, I trust your gay Muslim morals will guide you in keeping this anonymous

So I use gmail now and have for years. I recently found my old aol password and logged on just so I could delete the account.

I found something pretty incredible.

Someone had hacked into it in the last few months and was “cat-fishing” a married woman using my pictures! If you’re not familiar with cat fishing, it’s when a person assumes an identity online to fool someone. Thankfully, this email doesn’t contain my last name, just my first name and last initial.

So I read the correspondence and it’s graphic. Whoever hacked into my account used a couple of pics of mine to send, and some dick pics that were NOT mine. In return this woman sent pics, videos and messages that left little to the imagination. It’s like I searched for “solo milf” on porn hub. I gotta admit, this lady is pretty wild for a what looks to be a 50 year old.

My question is – I do NOT want this woman searching for me. I am happily married with 2 kids. Do I reach out to her and explain what happened, promising to delete all the pics and videos? Do I tell my wife?

What should I do?”

Email the lady and explain what happened. Then bring your wife to your side and explain everything to her too. Probably while showing her the correspondence. Then delete the account and pretend this never happened.

I’d tell my wife just because what if this woman actually knows your name and contacts her? Then your story will sound entirely made up. Although, admittedly, I’d be tempted just to delete the account and never say anything. Because this story doesn’t sound that plausible unless you are so good looking that even straight men want to sleep with you.   

Honestly, you’re confessing to the mailbag and I’m not sure I even believe this story. Why would someone steal your identity to catfish someone? Isn’t it easy to set up a fake email account? It’s not like there’s a massive value to email accounts. So I’d be a bit nervous whether the person doing this has access to additional personal information. Also, who is it? Don’t you want to know if it’s someone you know doing this?

So email the lady, show your wife and then delete the account forever.  

“Clay, after reading the story on the Houston Rodeo Cookoff, it reminded me of a story that happened to this guy I know who used to be a friend of a friend… he and his smoking hot (now ex wife) were out there and she lost her huge engagement ring. She was in one of the 10,000 porta potties out there and thought she’d lost it IN the tank… Needless to say she was hammered and so was he, so they look around for a couple of minutes and she says “you have to get my ring back” so this guy rolls up his sleeve goes back in the porta pottie and bare handed begins to dig around for the ring… now this is late at night after people filling the thing up all day.He never did find it and he comes back w/ a blue arm and his white shirt covered in God knows what. She’s all pissed off and then sees something on the ground… and it was her ring… the whole thing was unnecessary because it had fallen off outside the damn thing.” 

My fear at every SEC football game I’ve ever been to is dropping my cell phone in the porta potty. So I’ve actually thought about this before and am comfortable with my answer. 

The only thing I’m ever going into a porta potty after is a kid. 

That’s it. 

(Although, to be fair, at Steeplechase about four years ago I went into a porty potty barefoot ten or so times.)

“I recently found out I’m having a baby girl….which got me to thinking….

I look at porn regularly and have never thought anything of it. I just got done with the end of a session the other day and then did some thinking…God forbid, this could be MY girl potentially down the road.

I’m not sure what the rule is for looking at porn if you’re a dad who has a girl. I started thinking that as long as it’s somebody older than her at all times it would be ok. Like if she is 20 years old, I would have to move onto MILFs/Cougar porn, because jerking off to someone your daughter’s age would be weird.

I’m having a tough time trying to comprehend this. Usually I’m of the state of mind where nothing really gets to me, but I have a feeling this could be coming in to play at some point so I want to prepare for the road ahead. Obviously sex will be decrease if it hasn’t already for me…so taking care of this manually will be an option.

Will this all be a non-issue? Will I not masturbate in 20 years since I will probably need pills just to get a boner?

Me and my dick thank you…you Gay Muslim.”

I’m not an expert on the kind of porn that men in their fifties like — not yet, anyway —  and I’ve got three boys so I’ll never have to worry about this issue, but I’m pretty confident that it’s not just college-aged guys buying college-aged girl porn. My guess is this is biological, most men regardless of their age like watching naked women that are in their child bearing age-range. 

I mean, think of it this way, which is weirder, a fifty year old man jerking off to college girl porn or one jerking off to granny porn because his daughter is now college-aged and he feels shameful for still finding college girls attractive? 

Plus, I think you’re looking at this the wrong way. These girls are choosing to do porn, it’s not like they’re being held hostage and forced to perform. They’re being paid to have sex on camera. It’s a job, like thousands of other jobs. That’s a choice that your daughter, like the vast majority of women in America, probably won’t make. But if she does make that choice it will be entirely your fault for jerking off to porn so often.

“I attend a Christian university in West Tennessee that is extremely strict on just about every rule in the book.

About a week and a half ago the snow apocalypse happened. Well like regular college kids at 1:30 a.m., we wanted to get some snowballs to throw at our friends half way down the hall. Here’s the problem. We have a 1:00 a.m. curfew. We live on first floor so we decided to climb out our window to get some snow. After I crawled back in with my cup full of snow, I proceeded to push my roommate out the window with more bowls to fill with snow. That’s when security came around the corner and got him.

He is now facing suspension for the rest of the semester by our jack-ass dean. He was “sneaking out” to get snowballs.

My question is this: Is getting suspended for getting some snowballs, the dumbest punishment you’ve ever heard of? Also, my friends claim that this is all my fault because I pushed my roommate back out the window. I don’t feel I’m to blame in the slightest.” 

If your friend gets suspended for sneaking out of his dorm room to get snowballs, I’ll mobilize Outkick’s anonymous mailbag readers to deluge the dean with ridicule until he relents on the punishment. 

Keep us updated. 

Seriously, this is one of the stupidest college punishments I’ve ever heard of. 

“Clay, I’m in a predicament. I’ve kinda been dating two girls simutaniously, for about 11 months now. One is the absolute best, decent family very smart girl and would climb a mountain for me. (Keep in mind I’m 21). The other is an SEC athlete (soccer player) and if sexiness was on the richter scale, she would be a solid 9.5. To go along with her Margot Robbie style looks her dad offered to buy me a new a truck, after I was his partner in a $1500 a point, point game in golf. The amount of money they have can’t even be explained because it’s not believable. Most of you baboons would say this shouldn’t even be debatable, but of course with all good things there’s some downfall. The hot one, can be the biggest cunt known to man, you think some of you know what a cunt is but you don’t. One time at her beach house in Florida she threatened to straight up kill herself, because she saw me texting another girl (not the other girlfriend).

I just need some advice, I’m just a young frat boy, with a subpar handicap who’s got a lot of learning to do. Who would you go for?”

I would not date anyone because I’m 21 years old.  

Look, odds are, you’re going to break up with both of them at some point because most 21 year olds don’t marry the person they date when they’re 21. So why date anyone at all?

Also, who am I kidding, if I was 21 years old there’s no way I would stop sleeping with the Margot Robbie lookalike no matter how crazy she was.

Good luck.  

“Been reading Outkick for about 18 months, and you have probably replaced another funny sports columnist as my favorite for two reasons. 1) You are much more consistent and 2) I haven’t had to use the hashtag #FreeTravis yet.

Anyways, question for the anonymous mailbag, a few weeks ago on a Colorado ski trip, my buddy and I met two very attractive girls from south Florida and spent the evening with them bar hopping. My buddy is now officially hooked on one of them and they have been texting constantly ever since. Now he wants to take a trip to Miami to go see her and wants me to come with him. Is he making too much of one night here? Is this really worth a trip from Texas to Miami?

Wish you all the luck a gay Muslim can have, just in case ISIS were to get a hold of you.

Picture attached for your consideration in this situation… PLEASE DO NOT PUBLISH THE PICTURE.”

So what you’ve written the anonymous mailbag to ask is, “Should I go to Miami with my buddy to hang out with two hot chicks?”

Reread that sentence. 

If you still don’t know what to do, you need to stop reading me and start reading Peter King. 

“First of all, I want to say the anonymous mailbag is the greatest thing to ever happen to the internet. Please never stop this tradition. It makes my day every time.

So, here’s my situation. I have been talking to this girl for about two weeks or so. We have a lot in common, and I decided to ask her out on a date. At first, she basically told me she was not ready due to a previous bad (four year) relationship, but she changed her mind about two days ago saying she was ready. Well, you will never believe what happened next. Yesterday, she changed it back to she wasn’t ready to go on a date yet.

I think every guy in the world has experienced this situation at some point in their life. What in the heck are you supposed to do with this?”

Go out in a group and get her drunk. 

Then make out on the dance floor with her while a Journey song is playing. 

Moving right along. 

“My question centers on one of your favorite topics: blow jobs after marriage. My wife and I have been happily married for almost 15 years, and have two amazing boys. From what I remember, sex before marriage, kids, jobs, mortgages, etc. was pretty incredible and included pretty frequent blow jobs. My wife was definitely one of those southern brides who smiled coming down the aisle because she’d given her last blow job, or so I thought. The blow jobs basically became non-existant almost as soon as we were back from the honeymoon, and I just chalked it up to part of married life. My wife’s not a prude by any stretch, but pretty vanilla in the sack since we tied the knot.

Fast forward 14-15 years, and all of the sudden one night a few weeks ago, out of the blue, she surprises me with some major dome. A pleasant surprise, but I figured it was a one-off type of thing. Amazingly, it’s happened 2-3 more times since then, and the sex has been incredible. At first, I couldn’t believe my luck, but then I got to thinking maybe something is up. I asked her about her newfound interest in slobbin’ the knob, and she couldn’t really explain it. Our youngest will be two this spring and she nursed him until about 6 months ago. She thinks it’s just her hormones getting back to normal after many years of trying to get pregnant, being pregnant, nursing etc. I’ve read somewhere that when a married woman starts giving head out of the blue after a long time, it’s because she’s feeling guilty about something (infidelity, etc.). I’m not too worried about it as I don’t think she’d do that, but I thought I’d ask my favorite gay muslim for his take just in case you have a different take.”

Don’t worry about it, she’s just reading the “Fifty Shades of Grey” series.