Anonymous Mailbag

It’s time for the anonymous mailbag, the best weekly column on the Internet. 

Bit of news, you can now subscribe to the Outkick the Coverage morning show on iTunes. So please go subscribe to the show here. If you are waking up after the show airs live from 6-9 am et or you just want to be able to listen to the entire show after starting work or whatnot, regardless, you’ll have that option now going forward on podcast.  

Okay, on to the anonymous mailbag. 

As always, feel free to send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

Here we go. 

“Alright Clay, so I am running late to my first class of the day this week, which means I did not check to see if my phone noise or computer volume was turned all the way low and I had to James Bond my way into the lecture hall. 

So I take a seat next to the cute sorority chick I usually sit next to in the back and get setup. So I open my computer to take notes and bam. Left my volume on all the way and the porn video from the previous night was still on about mid sex tape. Now, this is a lecture hall of about 250-300 people and needless to say you could hear a pen drop as soon as one of the girls was mid climax. So of course I slam shut my laptop, but of course the damn thing keeps playing for about another 5 seconds (thanks Apple) and I’m just praying I was dead. The lecture hall was about half and half between looking stunned and dying laughing, and of course the professor had to be a dick and stop his lecture to call me out about it. 

Now nobody knew exactly who it was because of the size of the lecture hall, but the people around me and cute sorority girl knew and probably now assume I am a sick porn addict. So what is my play here? I cant sit next to any of these people again or the girl right? Do I just sit on the opposite side of the room or do I need to drop the class and transfer to another school?

The next time you see that girl, I’d walk up to her and say, “I know you’ve always dreamed of meeting a guy who watches porn on his laptop. Well, guess what, today’s your lucky day, I’m that guy.”

If you deliver this line well and then follow up with how awkward it was in class and smile and laugh about it, chances are she’ll like you. And if she’s a horrible prude who hates porn and boys who watch porn, you didn’t want her anyway. 

Here’s the deal for all of you — addressing awkward situations honestly is the best possible way to make people more comfortable with them. For instance, let’s say you’re a high school kid reading this right now and you have a huge zit on your nose and you’re supposed to be hanging out with a girl or boy you like. Just address the zit first thing. 

Say: “So I was really excited about hanging out with you and then I got a huge zit on my nose. It’s right here and I know you can’t stop from staring at it. This sucks, but look on the bright side at least I don’t have herpes.”

Bang, situation defused. You can stop wondering about what the boy or girl you’re with is thinking about your huge zit.  

This won’t surprise anyone who watches or listens to the show or reads the site or my Twitter feed, but I’m a big believer in brutal honesty. Address the elephant in the room instead of dancing around it and pretending it isn’t there. Whether it’s sex, race, or money. Just put it out there. 

Back to your specific situation: switch classes or switch seats? No way. You know how to become a legend on campus? Ask the professor to address the class and offer an apology for the porno.

Here’s a sample script, “Hey, my name is Clay Travis and I showed up late for class last week and as if that wasn’t enough when I sat down I had porn playing on my computer. Yes, I watch porn on my computer. I’m sorry you all heard that. Girls, I’m also on Tinder and, believe it or not, single, look me up.”

I guarantee if you did this a girl in that class would sleep with you.

Why?

Because most guys spend all their time lying to girls. Honesty — coupled with confidence — is sexy to women. 

“It’s been a dream of mine to spend a couple weeks in Australia on vacation for 20+ years. My wife and I have finally settled down and bought a house so the next thing on the list to blow our savings on is a last hoorah vacation before trying to have kids. With that being said, my wife has also been very interested in getting breast implants for many years. So now we have been discussing whether or not we should spend our money on the boobs or on the vacation. Given that you’re all knowing, we thought we would get your thoughts on how we should proceed.

I would also like to make note that kids are planned in the near future, think late 2018/early 2019 birth, so I don’t know if she should wait until post kid to have the implants. Doctors seem to lean both ways on that situation.”

I’d go to Australia and buy the boobs after you have kids. Now I’m no expert on fake boobs after children as it compares to before children, but it seems smarter to me to wait until after kids to have new boobs if you know you’re having the kids soon. 

Furthermore, I’d encourage all of you who don’t have kids to take trips before you have kids. Just trust me on this, once you have kids you don’t go on vacation anymore, you go on family trips.

THIS IS NOT THE SAME THING.  

(A reader hit me with the family trip vs. vacations line and it is so perfect.)

You and your wife should head to Australia and have a great time. I’d also encourage all parents to take a babymoon once you’re pregnant. Go somewhere fun and have a good time. It’s hard to get away once you have kids. Plus, you’ll feel somewhat guilty while you’re away from them. So take your Australia trip now and buy the boobs later.  

“I’m a married father in my early thirties that got my balls snipped a couple years ago (I highly recommend the procedure to anyone considering). Typical SEC grad family. My kids are great and my wife is definitely out of my league being that I’m a solid 6.5 with they type of dad bod that accompanies a guy who drinks too much beer on the weekends when he’s not chasing his kids’ sports teams all around the Southeastern USA but lifts weights and runs during the week. I have a great job that pays six figures with a wife that also works and pulls her weight financially and a core group of friends that couldn’t get any better. Not to sound cliché but I really am more blessed than I deserve.

Here’s the rub- my wife immediately lost the desire to have sex after our wedding. I am not exaggerating here…literally we didn’t have sex on our wedding night and I can count on one hand the number of times we had sex on our week long honeymoon that was out of the country. We lived together prior to the wedding so this was obviously a surprise to me or else we wouldn’t have carried through with the wedding because sex is very important to me. Long story short, things got a little better temporarily (long enough to have a kid) and immediately took a hard left into nosexforyou-town once we had kids.  I have tried marital counseling, praying, begging and pretty much anything else you can think of but still no luck…she just simply doesn’t want to have sex with me and I have no proof that she is cheating on me with someone else. We haven’t “touched each other” in over 12 months and my wife, being the angel that she is, knows this is a big deal to me but also knows I want to keep our family together so she has told me to have sex with other women with these conditions-

1. No on else ever finds out about it (including her)
2. It doesn’t interfere with my time with the kids
3. If/when she gets the desire back I immediately cut off all extracurricular activities
4. I always use protection

Now this was totally her idea and I have resisted for going on 4 months now but she insists that my “frustration” is all my fault at this point. My question to you is this- what’s my play here? Not just from a moral standpoint but also a legal standpoint? Let’s assume someone finds a 6.5 attractive enough to sleep with and will keep a secret, however unlikely that may seem. COULD I close the deal? I suppose only I can answer that and currently I’m not sure I could. But…should I close the deal? Should I get something in writing from her? Or should I just live a sexless life until everyone is out of college and I can afford a divorce and to lose half of everything I’ve worked for my entire life? Is she trying to set me up to catch me cheating so she can divorce me and take everything I own? Or, am I looking into this too much and just need to remember #DBAP and get an account on Tinder or Ashley Madison to see what happens?”

Wow, this is a tough call. 

I don’t think your wife is trying to set you up here because what does she gain if you sleep with someone else and she catches you? You get divorced if she catches you, right? Just about all divorces are no fault now so it’s not like she gets some insane payday that she otherwise wouldn’t be entitled to by setting you up. She can divorce you right now if she wants to do it. 

As for the sex, my first thought is you don’t want a relationship here, you just want sex. If prostitution were legal you could just pay someone for no frills sex and not have to worry about the long range impact to your life provided you used a condom and didn’t accidentally murder the prostitute during aggressive sex.

But you don’t want to get caught paying for sex because then you’re the dad who got caught paying for sex. And while sex is not and has never been free — we’re all paying for it somehow — you don’t want your mugshot in the newspaper or your top Google result to be your arrest for paying for sex.  

You also don’t want to be sleeping with anyone your wife knows — I’m honestly surprised that wasn’t the number one criteria for her — or be sleeping with anyone else who’s married because you don’t want to break up another marriage or add that drama to your life. I also don’t think you can do Tinder or any other social meet up site because there’s a decent chance someone sees your profile on there and then it gets back to your wife. 

A year without sex is just absurd. And, for the life of me, I honestly can’t even begin to comprehend how your wife can’t have sex with you for five or ten minutes once a week. It honestly seems downright cruel. But you say you’ve done counseling and attempted to work it out. When I think about all the shit I do that isn’t remotely enjoyable, even if the sex was the absolute worst of all time, is it really so awful that you can’t do it for ten minutes a week? (Or more likely if it’s just once, five minutes a week?)

Given all these parameters, I’d be open to sleeping with someone else if I were you. I think you have to go for it. Just be up front with your potential partner about what’s going on. There’s so many undesirable men out there that I’m sure there’s no lack of single women that would welcome no frills attached sex. Even with a married dude. 

Good luck. 

“What’s up Clay, I have a decision to make and I need your help.

My college fraternity is having our annual Spring Formal in New Orleans soon and it’s time to find a date. It’s a three day trip on Bourbon Street, so in my opinion, more goes into this decision than just simply picking the hottest girl I can find. There are three girls that I’m seriously considering. I’ll do a quick rundown of the three:

Girl A – Met on social media, I’d give her a 7, taken her to a date party before and and it was a good time, but we really don’t talk much.

Girl B – I’ve known of this girl for many years, but really didn’t get to know her until college, solid 8 & hottest of the three, she took me to one of her date parties and it wasn’t fun at all. She’s really annoying, but really hot.

Girl C – Met this girl through a friend, 7 on the scale, easily the coolest of the 3 from the little time i’ve spent with her, and she has made it clear that she wants to go to one of our parties. Here’s the kicker. She was either dating or hooking up with my friend for most of freshman year and into this year. (All 3 of us are sophomores now) Even during that time though, there were signs of her being into me (not to mention her best friend randomly asking me what i think about her, and often hinting at the idea of us together.) Now, me and the guy were not lifetime best buds or anything like that. We met freshman year and became pretty close. We don’t talk as much as we did at the time, but do still occasionally. He seems like the type that wouldn’t like it, but wouldn’t let it show around me and keep it to himself.

What’s my play here? Am I leaving out any important factors that should go into this decision? Girl C would be the easy frontrunner if not for her sleeping with a friend of mine for a year. Is that a deal breaker? Would that break bro code? Which girl would college Clay take and who should I take? Thanks in advance.”

Ah, sex game theory, I’m an expert at this. 

Take the hottest girl to the formal and start dating girl C when you get back to campus if you really like her. Talk to the guy who used to date her and let him know in advance. Then sit down with Girl C and explain that the reason you didn’t bring her to the formal — even though you really wanted to — was out of loyalty to your guy friend. This way you get to bang Girl B AND seem like the nice guy. 

Total win for you. 

Furthermore, when all the girls at the formal see that you’re banging the hottest possible girl, that’s Girl B, it will make them more likely to bang you too. The easiest way to bang a hot girl? Bang another hot girl first.

It’s science.

This way even if it doesn’t work out with Girl C then you’ve demonstrated your ability to attract hot girls for all the other girls at the spring formal. Who knows what options this might open up for you in the summer or the fall semester of your junior year?

Chess not checkers, kid.

“Good poop story. Work at a car dealership in San Antonio, Texas Remember the Alamo! See customers on the lot, do the meet and greet, find a car, demo it and go on test drive.

Well on this day as soon as the customer gets in and starts to drive, bam it hits. I have to shit. The kind where it hurts your stomach so bad you are only thinking about how not to shit your pants.

We get stopped at a stop light and now I’m prairie dogging it. I’m thinking this is it, I’m going to shit my pants on a test drive in a brand new car with a customer. I see a Jack in The Box on the corner. I’m thinking do I just bolt the car and run into JITB. Then I start thinking the customer would probably freak the fuck out.

So I hold it.

By this time I’m sweating fucking bullets just praying the customer doesn’t want to take the car on the Highway..they ask typical questions like what’s the MPG, Warranty, etc.. and I honestly don’t know what BS answer I gave them because all Im doing is looking straight ahead focusing on not shitting my pants…

We get back to the dealership, parked by the service area, get out, they say they want to look at another car on the lot. I’m standing there with my cheeks clinched so I don’t shit all over myself…But I need to sell a car and make some money. So I’m like yeah sure no problem, but I have to go talk to the service manager really quick so go look at the other car you were interested in and I’ll be right out. I fast walk with my cheeks clinched, because if I run its over, I’ll have shit all down my leg. I get to bathroom, annihilate the toilet, go back to customers and sell an ugly ass Yellow Kia Rio.”

USA, USA, USA…

“Is it acceptable to be on your phone while using a public urinal? I feel uncomfortable looking down and having a device that has a camera out while other men’s dicks are this close to me.”

It’s perfectly acceptable to take out your phone in the bathroom. 

In fact, I do this all the time while my kids use the bathroom. Every parent knows this move, you’re standing in the bathroom while your kid goes to the toilet and you’re just leaning up against the wall looking at your phone while your kid squeezes out a poop. Every now and then you need to talk to him to make sure that everyone knows you’re not just hanging out in the bathroom because you’re a total creepy motherfucker.

The only reason you’re standing there is because every time your kid has to go to the bathroom you think to yourself, “Would I ever forgive myself if someone sexually assaulted my kid while I was responding to Tweets outside the bathroom?” 

As for your situation, I’ve seen tons of guys on their phones at the urinal and never once thought one of them was going to take a picture of my dick. The fact that you’re worried about whether other people are going to think you might take pictures of their dicks, makes me think that you actually do want to take pictures of their dicks.

Pervert.

…

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity assured.