Anonymous Mailbag

Charlotte McKinney, Kliff Kingsbury

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag. 

As always, send your questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed. 

The anonymous mailbag is brought to you by 30A Cottages. Why stay in a crappy hotel when you can stay in a mansion on the beach? These places are incredible, check them out. Use the code Outkick to get 5% off in March and April. 

Okay, on to the mailbag. 

“My right nut has to come out 3/6/17. Now some back story. I somehow got two inguinal hernias while surviving in Iraq in 2004. Because of the hernias my testicles started to swell, after saying something to the navy corpsman a few times they decided to take to see a navy doctor. After an examination the doctor told me “Looks like you need to jack off more,” and sent me back to my company. Fast forward 13 years later, I have been under the knife 4 times to fix my boys.

Last week I went to see my urologist, who has seen my balls more than my wife, and he believes we need to remove my right testicle. We have 2 kids and I was already fixed last year so no worry about can I have kids with just one nut.

My dilemma now is do I get the prosthetic testicle? Dr said it was $2000 and it really just makes you feel better about yourself and that’s really the only positive, but what man wants a mudflap between his legs? If I get the prosthetic do I go up in size or stay the same? 

Now the reasons not to get a new fake right testicle, it cost $2000.00 out of pocket because insurance considers it a plastic surgery. I would have more room in my pants. It’s one less thing to sit on. My wife said she doesn’t think I need to get it because it’s a waste of money but yet she got new boobs last year ( money well spent ).Need your help on this one. The Dr office is calling on Friday to find out if they need to order the little guy.”

First, thanks for your service. (And the subsequent sacrifice of your right testicle on the altar of Iraqi freedom). 

Second, how many people actually see your balls? Your wife and maybe your kids when you’re in the shower or getting dressed. (If you have young kids they just come watch you shower and then stand around while you get dressed. It’s uncanny, they’re like three foot perverts.)

If you made a living as a porn star, you’d have to get the ball replaced, but you’re married and unlikely to be starring in any naked videos anytime soon. Odds are only your wife is seeing your one ball. And if she doesn’t care — and what woman does care about less balls? — then I’d save the $2k and roll with one nut for the rest of your life.  

“I recently saw a video of a left winger saying that if you say you are identifying as a specific gender then all that you need to do is announce what gender you are. So this got me thinking about our President Donald Trump. With all the media frenzy about the gigantic issues of immigration and transgender bathrooms, what do you think would happen if President Trump announced that he was now a woman? Think about that historic moment. 

First, you have a Trump just completely blindsiding the left, but also you would then have the first woman president and the first gay president.  

You would have a Republican president that is now a woman, now a lesbian, married to an immigrant with multiple kids from different women. How do you think the left would react to that?”

I kind of wish Trump would do this just to blow up identity politics once and for all. 

The left wing in the country would seriously implode if Trump came out in a dress and announced he was now a woman and a lesbian. 

I did a version of this on the Outkick show this morning when I announced I was a woman. We had a hat ceremony and everything, I just picked the chick hat and it was a big moment for women busting through the glass ceiling in national sports talk radio. 

I’ve also now decided that I am a quarter Asian, a quarter Hispanic, a quarter white and a quarter black. Combining this with my newfound womanhood and my lesbian status — my wife officially just became the hottest lesbian ever — I am officially the most diverse and inclusive person in the history of the United States.

So pretty big morning for me.  

And for the country. 

“Here’s the situation.  I work in a very high brow and competitive, private office with very high net worth clients. I work my ass off to be able to leave at five, and will do whatever I can to ensure that. Occasionally I’ll work on the weekends, or stay late to complete cases, but for the most part I bust my ass during normal hours to allow me to leave at 5. 

I also have a side hustle I spend about 15-20 hours per week, nights and weekends, tending to, so I’m not just going home and drinking.

I received an email about having a meeting with my bosses, the founders of the firm, tomorrow morning. I was given a heads up about what it is in regards to, and it’s about my work ethic compared to a coworker.

I have a coworker who shows up at the same time I do, but will stay 30 minutes to an hour after normal hours everyday, and I will be getting grilled about being more like him tomorrow. This coworker is a good friend, but certainly doesn’t outwork me. However, he spends at least two hours a day dicking around on his garbage SEC team’s (think bottom 3 of the conference) message boards, and reading tweets about potential recruits. Now, I read OKTC when new articles come out, but that is the extent of my time killing, 10-15 minutes max.

The issue I have is not a moral one, normally I’d go the DBAP route, stand my ground, and rip into my coworker for being a lazy shit. The problem is that if I say something about his internet surfing habits, it will lead to website filters, and the end of being able to read OKTC while at work.

Do I stand my ground, throw the guy under the bus, and risk my Outkick reading, or do I take the verbal ass kicking and just keep doing what I’m doing?

Job security is extremely high, so being fired isn’t a worry.”

I think you turn this back on them early in the meeting and ask what you aren’t accomplishing that you need to be accomplishing? 

One of the reasons I hated being an attorney was the billable hour. As a litigator I didn’t feel like I was being paid for being efficient, I thought I was being paid to waste time. When you’re billing hours your efficiency actually works against you. 

So I wouldn’t throw my co-worker under the bus or discuss his hours at all, I would just explain that you show up and grind as hard as you can so you can leave work at a normal hour. I might also consider mentioning the extra work I’m doing out of the office to demonstrate how hard you’re working. Essentially argue that you aren’t trying to impress them with face time, that you’re trying to impress them with actual work product. And if your work product is good, why should you be judged by the hours that you spend in the office? 

“I’m very lucky to be marrying a wonderful girl this upcoming July. My fiancée is a solid 7 with a wonderful personality and she’s cool as hell which puts her in a very favorable quadrant on the hot/crazy matrix. She’s definitely wifey material and looks good now, but that will likely fade after we have kids. She doesn’t like to work out and is lucky to have the nice body that she has.

We took our first session of engagement photos yesterday and went to dinner afterwards. She’s terrible at surprises and tells me then that she wants to do a boudoir photo session for me. Her close friend (female) is the photographer and almost has her convinced that she needs to do this since I’ll be moving out of town next week until she joins me after the wedding. I’m hesitant to accept this gift because I don’t really give a shit about lingerie and would be worried that someone else would find the photos eventually. Those titties are mine and I don’t want anyone else seeing them.

My question is: should I let her do this? How many men get sexy photos of their soon to be wife? And is this “gift” even for me or is it really for her Thanks.”

The answer is, the photos are for both of you. She probably wants to have pictures of her when she was at the apex of her hotness and why wouldn’t you also want sexy photos of your wife when she’s at the apex of her hotness?

It’s not like you’re Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee and someone is going to steal your sex video and everyone is going to want to see them. These are just pictures of your wife and just about every woman under the age of forty in this country has sexy pictures of her outhere somewhere. So I wouldn’t be worried about that at all. 

I think you definitely take the photo offer here.

The much funnier thing about this offer is your wife bascially giving you jerk off material while you’re in a different city. You flipping through her sexy boudoir photos while you’re jerking off like a mad man is much funnier to me than anything else about this question.   

Having said that, I would totally not let a dude take these photos. Because if you have a hot wife or fiancee, he’s definitely keeping a copy of the photos somewhere no matter what he tells her. Plus, I’ve seen too many porns where those photo sessions end in sex. I’m sure that doesn’t happen that often, but why risk it? And if it is going to get so hot and steamy that sex happens, how much hotter can sexy photos get than your wife hooking up with her girlfriend during the photo shoot?

This is one of many reasons why the sexes are different. 

If a guy hooks up with another guy while taking sexy photos, his wife divorces him on the spot. If a girl hooks up with another girl, most guys want all the details and are convinced their wife or girlfriend is the hottest wife or girlfriend of all time. 

Enjoy the photos. 

“I’m 25, live in an SEC college town, and have a good job in politics. Recently I’ve been talking to a 21 year old and she invited me to her sorority formal next month. At 25 with a professional job, am I too old for a sorority formal? My friends are split over the question. Help me settle this.”

There’s only one question that needs to be answered here: how hot is the girl? Because the older you get the hotter the girl has to be for you to justify going to a college formal. If you’re 25 and you’re dating a smoking hot 21 year old, you 100% go to the sorority formal. If you’re 25 and you’re dating a girl that isn’t that hot, you don’t go. 

I’m sure there’s a cutoff on ages for when you can’t go to the sorority formal without it being weird, but I’m not sure what that age is. Because let’s pretend that my wife came to her senses and left me and let’s also pretend that a smoking hot 21 year old wanted me to go to her sorority formal right after that happened. 

I’m 37 and a father of three. 

Would any of you judge me for going to a sorority formal with a smoking hot 21 year old? Wouldn’t you be more likely to judge me for not going?

Now you might judge her and her friends might think it’s weird to take an old dude, but every single Outkick reader would think this was awesome. Of course, maybe you can argue that’s because I have a different kind of job than most people have. If I were a 37 year old congressman would it be weird if I went to a sorority formal with a 21 year old? Probably. (Although I would also think that was pretty awesome.)  

But, regardless, you’re only 25 and you’re just working in a political job. Odds are you don’t look that much older than the other guys there. Plus, I guarantee you every dude in your office thinks it’s awesome and is jealous of you going to a sorority formal.  

Have fun. 

“Need your advice, just got back from a long weekend at beach town with my buddies I live with for the summers. We had a dry run for a winter weekend in the town that we rent our summer home.

Did the usual early 20’s guy things got drunk, chased chicks etc, here’s where your advice is needed. I hooked up with a chick Saturday night and noticed with a weird rash on my dick on Sunday. Obviously like any rational dude I flipped out. Starting googled and webmd-ing my nuts off. The symptoms seem consistent with herpes. Fuck I know.

Went to get tested (waiting the results) here’s where I need the help. Do I jump the gun and text the chick and ask if she has the herpes? Or do you wait out the results?

Second part if (god I hope this doesn’t happen) the test is positive, do you text the chick? How does one play their cards?”

Assuming this email is real — fortunately I’ve never had any herpes scares — it’s possible that you already had herpes and you gave this chick herpes. Since I don’t think herpes, like any other virus, shows up the next day after infection. So good choice by her hooking up with your dirtbag ass.

You don’t text her until you get the results and they are positive. Nobody wants to get a text that they might have hooked up with a guy with herpes. Because then the wait is miserable too. Plus, your groin just starts itching uncontrollably even if there’s no reason it should be itching.  

If you do find out that you have herpes then you are obligated to text the girl you slept with that night and tell her you have herpes. You’re obligated to be a (herpes-laden) gentleman.

Hey, look on the bright side, at least you and Michael Vick have something in common now.

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, full anonymity guaranteed.  

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.