Anonymous Mailbag

Charlotte McKinney, Kliff Kingsbury

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag. 

I just finished Outkick the Show where we talked with a retired Tennessee highway patrolman and a man who says he recorded Jamie Naughright demanding that Peyton Manning announce he’s gay. You guys need to watch this. I’ve been saying this is no different than Duke lacrosse or the UVA rape case, it’s a total made up story based on an unreliable lying narrator. 

So here we go with the anonymous mailbag. 

Outkick the Show on Manning accuser. Listen.

Posted by Clay Travis on Tuesday, February 23, 2016

“We come to you for guidance in our current moral dilemma. We, as in 5 friends who are all currently in graduate school and are in seemingly insurmountable school debt piling up. Yesterday, James (not his real name), had his apartment catch fire from a freak electrical fire in the attic and proceed to burn to the ground. Before it burned completely, he managed to get just a few things out, but not much.

So naturally, as good friends would do, the other 4 of us created a gofundme page, started off the donations ourselves, and started sharing it via social media to help him get back on his feet (buy some clothes, furniture, etc). None of us have ever done anything like this, so we set the limit at a modest 5K (or so we thought). Within 2 hours, all five thousand dollars was raised. None of us really know how much furniture, clothes, and other necessities he’s going to have to buy so right before it hit 5K we upped the goal to $7500. Donations come to a halt after about 4 hours because it was late at night. This morning, over 100 people have shared the page and donations have been flying in. As I’m typing this now we’ve hit over $8100 (page has only been up barely 12 hours). We don’t want to raise the goal any higher, because at this point if someone is going to donate we feel like they’re going to do it regardless of the goal being blown out of the water. James is a very thrifty person, and will probably not use the entirety of this money to replace his belongings.

So our question for you is, at what point do we start spending the remaining money towards the Spring Break 2016 beer fund, otherwise known as #SB2K16? Is this even morally acceptable? Can we willingly take money from people when at this point when we know he won’t use it? We’re all college students living on college budgets, and we’re not real sure if we should just turn down free money. The intention of the gofundme was never to make money for ourselves at all, we’ve just been blown away from the amount of donations and somewhat feel like James has made out like a bandit from a terrible situation. We’d love to hear your input on the mailbag, and if you think we should continue to take this money, please feel free to find us in Gulf Shores at the end of march drinking cold ones on the good hearts of the people of this community. 

Side note: Part of the sheetrock in his bedroom fell over and prevented a few things from being burned, one of which was a Kama Sutra book in pristine condition. What type of omen is this?”

When I went to the gofundme page this morning I saw that you guys have now raised nearly $11k, meaning lots of people kept giving after the $7500 limit was reached.

To a guy in grad school $11k in cash might as well be $250,000 in cash. 

Let’s begin here — $7500 is more than any dude in graduate school I know has ever spent on his home furniture. I’m trying to think back to my own place when I was in law school and I guarantee you there is no way my couch and bed cost more than $2k total. (When my then-girlfriend now wife came over to cook once at my place she opened the kitchen cupboards and I pointed out I didn’t have a single pot or pan. Not one.) Even if you toss in a big flat screen TV, that’s like $750 more. I honestly can’t think of any guy’s place I ever visited during grad school that looked like more than $3k was spent on the furniture. (And $3k is probably a stretch). But it’s also fair to say that I would have had no idea what it cost to refurnish a place when I was in grad school either. Your initial goal came from a good place — namely you were attempting to help your buddy recover from an apartment fire. You just had no idea how easy it would be to raise that much money. 

And since you established a clear goal of $7500 — although you bumped it up from $5k — I don’t see anything wrong with him using that money as he sees fit. That is, he can buy his furniture for a new place and if he has money left over why can’t he also use it to throw a housewarming party that happens to take place on the beach during spring break? (If he feels guilty about this you could also stretch the cost out to multiple people too. Where did he stay while he found a new place to live? Couldn’t he pay you guys or girls rent for the room and board while he lived with you? Otherwise he would have had to pay to stay in a hotel, right? Once he pays you guys, that money is yours to do with as you see fit. I.e., pay for spring break.)

Of course to keep the Kama Sutra book karma going he defnitely needs to spend most of the $7500 on his new furniture. The most ethically ambiguous amount here, to me at least, is the extra $3000 and change you raised over the goal. I’m not familiar with how gofundme works, can you give the money back once you exceed your goal? That’s the easiest “moral” answer. Another possibility would be to take that excess $3k and distribute it to other gofundme pages that are seeking to reach worthy goals. That way the money that people donated to you goes towards the goal of helping others out.

Or you could go to outkickgear.com and buy lots of pairs of $20 pants fro your favorite Gay Muslim.

What a deal! 

Good luck with your decision and have fun in Gulf Shores at the Florabama. 

“Our friends recently had a child and it is quite frankly the ugliest baby I have ever seen in my life, At this stage of my life I really don’t find any babies to be cute but this one takes the cake. Our group of friends ranges from mid to late twenties but not many have started having kids yet and we are in uncharted territory. While, I am nowhere near ready to have a child, I am happy for my friends as they seem to be thrilled with their new arrival and certainly don’t want to ruin their joy. The mom is constantly posting pictures on facebook, and snapchatting pictures of her kid, which is fine if that’s what she wants to do, but I am afraid I am going to scroll across one of these pictures while I am enjoying my supper one night and in turn puke all over the place. While we would never consider telling the mother how ugly her child is, we have considered telling the father because we feel like he needs to know. We were discussing who needs to be the one to tell him and, I decided to bring it to the anonymous mailbag for advice Now, Im pretty confident that your wife has never actually had sex with you and those aren’t really your children, but for purposes of this conversation we will pretend that they are. So I have two questions: 1. Do you think they realize how ugly this child is? And 2. While, theres not one of us brave enough to even consider telling the mother this, as a “dad” would you want your friends to tell you how ugly your child is?

I should also add in there that people are saying the baby looks like his dad, which we have all found hilarious…

I have attached some pictures of the child just so you can confirm the hideousness we are dealing with. Please don’t share these photos with anyone as the last thing I want from the mother is wondering how her child got turned into the internets ugly baby meme.”

There’s no doubt this is an ugly baby, but I tend to think the cuteness of babies is frequently overhyped. Babies younger than a year old often look like wrinkled raisins. 

So the baby could become cuter as he or she ages. 

Having said that, under no circumstances does anyone need to tell the dad that his baby is ugly. In particular, why does the dad need to know that his baby is ugly?

As a dad of three who frequently has no idea what’s going on in his household I submit that what a dad “needs to know” has to meet a high threshold in order to bother him with details of which he would otherwise be unaware or disinterested. It has to fulfill one of these three criteria in order to rise to the dad needs to know level: 1. Does it impact the health and safety of him or his family? 2. Does it offer the potential to either save or make him a substantial amount of money? 3. Does it involve drinking, female nudity, and/or watching sports away from his family?

These are the only three things that you have to tell a dad.

A baby being ugly is not in these criteria.

So I’d keep quiet.  

“Regarding the young man who is considering flying solo on the most depressing bachelor party ever, I feel like you’re missing a huge opportunity to mobilize your readership to throw the most epic bachelor party of all time for a young soldier. This is pure gold. Even the 85% would nod in respect. Ask him when he is free and then, via an anonymous mailbag post, ask the degenerates that are your readers to either chip in a few bucks to fund the endeavor, or book a flight to Vegas to attend the first annual Outkick the Coverage Bachelor Party. When this turns into a huge thing, you can thank me.”

This is a great idea, but we’ll do it in Nashville and I’ll pay for everything. 

If the soldier is reading this, email me back and we will set up an Outkick bachelor party night for you here in Nashville. I will be in charge of the evening and we will post our night’s planned schedule so any Outkick readers who want to meet up with us can come congratulate him in person.

This should be fun.

In fact, I may even have an essay contest to decide who our bachelor party crew should be for the night.

Details will be forthcoming as soon as I hear back from the soldier getting married.  

“Like many southerners, I married earlier. I was 19 and the wife was 18. We managed to finish college and establish pretty good careers and lifestyle. One son, and I thought things were going great, until 15 years into things, she walks out. But that’s not why I’m writing. The divorce was 3 years ago, and truly it’s not been a bad 3 years. I’ve always been a runner, so I’m in pretty good shape. I also have a full head of hair. Those two things will move a guy right to the front of the line with the single moms in my demographic. I’ve made up for some of the fun maybe I missed out on in my early 20’s.

About 5 months ago, I met a young lady at the gym. Conversation led to some runs together, which lead to some dates, which lead to a “hey, we are in a relationship” moment. I should mention here that although I originally pegged her for 27-28, turns out she was 23…just turned 24. So, I’m a 38 year old guy, with a great job, great kid that I get to hang out with all the time, great health, and dating a smoking 24 year old. Yeah, it’s all great EXCEPT that around month 3, I began to notice that in social settings with friends her age, she inevitably mentions my “large package” or something similar when discussing what a “catch” I am.

Clay, I may be doing well financially, no gut and all my hair….but the other? Not by any stretch of the imagination. I’m not playing this off or just being falsely humble. This is something that stressed me out as a young man. Lot’s of online research confirmed my locker room observations, my guy is on the small side. But I really felt like I overcame that…developed other aspects of my game. I realize I spent years with the same woman,but all indications were that I got the job done. In the 2.5 years of single life before I met my lovely young bunny, I think my skills were well received. What I’m saying here is that until I started hearing her say this stuff, my confidence was intact and I felt like the master of my domain. Now, I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown, like a golfer with the yips. I may seek therapy, I just don’t know. Why the hell would she be saying things like that? How do I address it?”

First, you’re a 38 year old banging a smoking hot 24 year old who brags to all her friends that you have a big dick. 

Yeah, I feel so bad for you. 

This means when you guys break up all her other hot 24 year old friends are going to want to bang you too. I don’t know how you even get out of bed in the morning, your life sucks. 

Having said that, I think your girlfriend’s comments are a reflection of the fact that she feels awkward about your age difference and is trying to make a joke that sort of acknowledges what she feels her friends might be thinking. “Why is Steph dating that old guy now?” She’s selling you harder than she would be if you were the same age as her. Think about it, if two 24 year olds are dating no one even thinks twice about why they’re together. But if, let’s say, you were 45 and she was 25 it could be a bit awkward. How do many people break the ice in awkward social situations — with jokes (or, potentially, bad jokes.) 

Say you’re 45 and dating a smoking hot 25 year old and you’re introduced to her friends at a party. If, jokingly, she said, “Yeah, sure he’s older than me, but he’s really rich,” wouldn’t that kind of break the ice? She’s making fun of the idea that younger women date older men for their money. By addressing the social taboo she clears the air and takes ownership of the insult. Even if the guy isn’t really rich, the line still makes sense, right? It’s about addressing the cliche, not the inherent truth of it.

The same thing could be true about the penis line. That is, I think your girlfriend’s just using a guy having a big dick as a reason to explain how two people who otherwise look incompatible might end up together. So I don’t think this is a comment on your package.

Having said that, if she really thought your penis was small, I don’t think she’d make a joke about you having a big penis so you can probably relax. The other possibility here — and the one I’d encourage you to buy into — is that all of her ex-boyfriends had really tiny penises and you’re a giant compared to them and she just wants to brag to all her hot friends about how huge your penis is.

If it’s really bothering you I’d encourage you to bring it up with her and ask what her motivation is to say these things in a social setting. But personally I’d be stunned if this isn’t her way to address the social discomfort she feels in front of her friends because she’s dating an older guy. 

“Just read the anonymous mailbag and the hands free pee story. Would just like to add the following to the case study:

I previously worked for a large Fortune 500 company based in (the South). The CEO at the time (he has since retired) was notorious for standing at the urinal with both hands slightly behind his hips (think: Forrest Gump) and would look back over his shoulder and continue whatever conversation he had started while entering the restroom.

There were 2 prevailing theories as to why he did this: a) he was a germaphobe, and the thought of touching his own penis repulsed him or b) he had a giant penis and it was sturdy enough to not require any aiming assistance.

This guy is worth many, many millions and his wife was not at all attractive, so I tend to discount the probability of the giant penis theory.

Maybe hands free peeing is more prevalent than we originally thought?”

We got a ton of hands free peeing stories and I realized that I should have mentioned another advantage to hands free peeing — holding your kid in the bathroom while you pee. I have been in bathrooms a ton of times with one of my diaper-aged sons in my arms. Chances are just about every dad reading this has been in this situation too.

In those times you have two options. Put down your kid and let him start crawling around on the piss covered floors or hold him while you pee.

Obviously, I hold him.

But do you know how hard it is to unzip, get your dick out, and then hang on to a moving baby while you try and pee at the same time? It should be an Olympic event.

And then when you finish you have to get the one hand zip up done without catching your dick in the zipper.

One time I caught the edge of my dick in the zipper in this situation — not full on “There’s Something About Mary,” status — but I really thought I was going to die.

And I remember thinking then, I wish I could get my dick back into my pants without having to use my hands.  

“Long-time reader, first-time writer. I’m 59 years old, my wife is 50 years old and we have sex once a week. I would pay my wife $200 a week in cash to have sex with me one more time a week so we averaged sex twice a week.

Is this a common thought for married men? What do you think my wife would say if I offered her money for more sex?” 

That means you’d pay $10,400 a year to double your sex life. 

Honestly, this seems like a steal and I think tons of married men would sign up for this deal. Although, is this technically prostitution? Is paying your wife for more sex illegal? It would be the most married man move possible if some poor bastard got arrested for paying his own wife to sleep with him.  

I suspect, however, that your wife would not like being directly paid for sex.

Even though, to be honest, all men are paying for sex somehow. It’s just like health insurance though, it’s so damn confusingly priced it’s impossible to see what it actually costs. 

Don’t believe me — how many men do you know who would get married if sex didn’t exist? Or, flip it, what if single men could have sex, but married men couldn’t? Is there any man alive who ever gets married?

Report back on your wife’s response to your sex offer. If she says yes, you might be revolutionizing marital sex.  

“I am not from your normal demographic, but I have some insight that your younger crowd might like to hear about their favorite topic – Sex!

My wife and I are right at 70 years old.  We both retired about 5 years ago. We each had our careers and raised 3 great kids. We loved each other, but evolved into being more like roommates than lovers.

After we retired, I realized that we were going to be spending the majority of our remaining moments together.  I decided I wanted to make life as happy as possible for her – so I became more romantic. I started finding times to show her affection several times a day. My favorite was to approach her from behind and give her a full body hug, rubbing her boobs, ass, thighs, shoulders, etc., kiss her on the neck, and whisper something flattering in her ear. I did this in the kitchen when she was cooking, at her desk, at the breakfast bar, in her dressing area when she was either getting ready to go out, or ready for bed. I also changed our bedtime routine to a full body cuddle, caressing, and a good juicy kiss on the lips before we rolled over to sleep.

She really enjoyed this affection — once she realized I didn’t have an angle and wasn’t just trying to bed her then and there.

I was doing this for purely humanitarian reasons to make her feel good — but then I realized something. I was enjoying this as much as her, and I couldn’t keep my hands off her. The bedtime cuddles became something I really craved each night.

Now to the payoff.  Both of our libidos really ramped up and our sex life got much better. We now have full fledged sex every weekend. That might not sound like much to some, but when you have a knee replacement, hip replacement, a bad back, and a tool that doesn’t work as well as it used to — that is plenty. But also, many of those bedtime “cuddles” turned into a “cuddle-fuck”, when we really get into it and neither of us want to quit. I usually just manually get her off and she gives me a hand job or blow job (I have had more BJ’s in the last 5 years than any other time during our marriage). Our sex life has changed so much, I think if we had our 30 yr. old bodies back, we’d be doing it like newlyweds all over the house.

So here is my advice to you younger guys. Start giving your wife a lot more attention. Give her that full body hug, rub her ass, play with her boobs, kiss her on the neck, tell her she’s beautiful, tell her you love her, etc. Once she figures out you are not just trying to grab a nooner, she will love it.  Also, she will respond more eagerly later on.  Ie: if you prime the pump several times during the day, it will be much easier to get it started at night. 

So, does this sound normal for a couple 70 years olds?  And do you think this advice would be applicable to the younger, mid-career, child raising types?

Please keep this anonymous.  I’m sure my kids, who are readers, could not handle the visual of their mother giving me frequent BJ’s.”

Grandpa with the mic drop to end the mailbag!

Great advice.

Now you all have to wonder if it’s your mom giving tons of blow jobs to your dad.  

The anonymous mailbag runs every Tuesday. Send your anonymous mailbag questions to clay.travis@gmail.com

As always, anonymity guaranteed. 

We come to you for guidance in our current moral dilemma. We, as in 5 friends who are all currently in graduate school and are in seemingly unsurmountable school debt piling up. Yesterday, James (not his real name), had his apartment catch fire from a freak electrical fire in the attic and proceed to burn to the ground. Before it burned completely, he managed to get just a few things out, but not much. So naturally, as good friends would do, the other 4 of us created a gofundme page, started off the donations ourselves, and started sharing it via social media to help him get back on his feet (buy some clothes, furniture, etc). None of us have ever done anything like this, so we set the limit at a modest 5K (or so we thought). Within 2 hours, all five thousand dollars was raised. None of us really know how much furniture, clothes, and other necessities he’s going to have to buy so right before it hit 5K we upped the goal to $7500. Donations come to a halt after about 4 hours because it was late at night. This morning, over 100 people have shared the page and donations have been flying in. As I’m typing this now we’ve hit over $8100 (page has only been up barely 12 hours). We don’t want to raise the goal any higher, because at this point if someone is going to donate we feel like they’re going to do it regardless of the goal being blown out of the water. James is a very thrifty person, and will probably not use the entirety of this money to replace his belongings. So our question for you is, at what point do we start spending the remaining money towards the Spring Break 2016 beer fund, otherwise known as #SB2K16? Is this even morally acceptable? Can we willingly take money from people when at this point when we know he won’t use it? We’re all college students living on college budgets, and we’re not real sure if we should just turn down free money. The intention of the gofundme was never to make money for ourselves at all, we’ve just been blown away from the amount of donations and somewhat feel like James has made out like a bandit from a terrible situation. We’d love to hear your input on the mailbag, and if you think we should continue to take this money, please feel free to find us in gulf shores at the end of march drinking cold ones on the good hearts of the people of this community. 

 

Side note: Part of the sheetrock in his bedroom fell over and prevented a few things from being burned, one of which was a Kama Sutra book in pristine condition. What type of omen is this?

We come to you for guidance in our current moral dilemma. We, as in 5 friends who are all currently in graduate school and are in seemingly unsurmountable school debt piling up. Yesterday, James (not his real name), had his apartment catch fire from a freak electrical fire in the attic and proceed to burn to the ground. Before it burned completely, he managed to get just a few things out, but not much. So naturally, as good friends would do, the other 4 of us created a gofundme page, started off the donations ourselves, and started sharing it via social media to help him get back on his feet (buy some clothes, furniture, etc). None of us have ever done anything like this, so we set the limit at a modest 5K (or so we thought). Within 2 hours, all five thousand dollars was raised. None of us really know how much furniture, clothes, and other necessities he’s going to have to buy so right before it hit 5K we upped the goal to $7500. Donations come to a halt after about 4 hours because it was late at night. This morning, over 100 people have shared the page and donations have been flying in. As I’m typing this now we’ve hit over $8100 (page has only been up barely 12 hours). We don’t want to raise the goal any higher, because at this point if someone is going to donate we feel like they’re going to do it regardless of the goal being blown out of the water. James is a very thrifty person, and will probably not use the entirety of this money to replace his belongings. So our question for you is, at what point do we start spending the remaining money towards the Spring Break 2016 beer fund, otherwise known as #SB2K16? Is this even morally acceptable? Can we willingly take money from people when at this point when we know he won’t use it? We’re all college students living on college budgets, and we’re not real sure if we should just turn down free money. The intention of the gofundme was never to make money for ourselves at all, we’ve just been blown away from the amount of donations and somewhat feel like James has made out like a bandit from a terrible situation. We’d love to hear your input on the mailbag, and if you think we should continue to take this money, please feel free to find us in gulf shores at the end of march drinking cold ones on the good hearts of the people of this community. 

 

Side note: Part of the sheetrock in his bedroom fell over and prevented a few things from being burned, one of which was a Kama Sutra book in pristine condition. What type of omen is this?

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.