Anonymous Mailbag

Yes, even while on vacation with my family at Disney World I still wake up and give you the anonymous mailbag. 

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed. 

And remember to use 30Acottages.com for all of your 30A vacation rental needs. You get 5% off with the code “Outkick” in February, March and April. Seriously, their houses are incredible, go check them out. 

Here we go:

“Big fan out here in ACC country…love listening to the show on AM1050 in Myrtle Beach. Glad you were wrong about my Tigers over the Tide in the NC game.  Been following you on various media platforms for a while and figured it was time for me to give you some fodder.

My wife and I have been married for 7 years with two kids; the last one is about to start kindergarten. She is a stay at home mom, and I work full time. As a mother of 2 kids who nursed, she suffered the ill effects on her boobs. To be expected, for sure, but here’s the rub…

When the second kiddo was born, we explicitly agreed that if she was able to be a stay-at-home mom while I busted my ass working, that she would get a boob job when the second kid got to school. I saw it as a win/win; kids get a parent at home, I get my booby prize.

Sure enough, we get to talking about it last week, and she wants out of the deal….WTF! Doesn’t she have some sort of contractual/moral/marital obligation?  It’s not like I’m asking for Dolly Parton boobs…just something tasteful.

If it makes any difference, my wife is gorgeous and has a great body with the lone exception of the up tops that went through two years of misery.  That, and the sex is great, despite two rugrats.

So am I wrong for pushing this issue? Look forward to your thoughts.”

Your wife is obligated to go through with her boobs. 

You had an agreement, a meeting of the minds and consideration, bang that’s an enforceable contract. (Full disclosure, these are the only parts of contract law I can remember early in the morning at Disney World. But you can just tell your wife, “Clay Travis is an attorney and he says you go to jail if you don’t get these boobs.”)  

In all seriousness though, it sounds like she’s just nervous about the process. And I get that, no one wants to die during surgery getting boobs. (Can you imagine showing up the funeral as the husband? How much of an asshole would you look like? Everyone is talking about how joyful and full of life your wife was and then she dies because you insisted that she get new boobs. What would you tell the kids? You’d have to lie to them, right? I think you have to blame cancer. I’m not even kidding, if my wife died getting a boob job I would 100% blame breast cancer. I’m not even sure my story would ever change for the rest of the kid’s lives.)

Anyway, what you have to convey to her is that you are just looking to return her boobs to what she had before the kids destroyed her boobs. These aren’t new boobs they’re more like a boob reclamation project.  

Also, that you love her, but that according to your attorney Clay Travis a deal is a deal and you are going to have to put her in jail if she doesn’t agree to get new boobs. 

“I’ve been in a relationship with an awesome girl for a while now. It’s getting serious and we’re starting to discuss marriage, kids, and other things related to potentially spending our lives together. She’s from a stereotypical Catholic family and wants to raise her kids Catholic, take them to church weekly, and raise them to be active in the church community. I was raised Jewish, but am no longer practicing. Ever since my late teens, I had always felt that, if I ever had kids, I would raise them without any major religious influence. We’ve discussed our differing opinions, acknowledge them, but neither of us want to change them.

Now trust me, I understand that marriage is a never ending series of compromises, and I’m willing to budge here if necessary (let’s face it… if I decide I want to marry this girl, it will be necessary). Nothing (except converting) is completely off the table for me, but raising my kids Catholic and having a Catholic wedding would be a huge sacrifice.

I discussed my situation with a friend who has one fairly religious parent and one not at all religious parent. He told me “if you let your girlfriend pick your kids religion and wedding, that’s fine, you just get to pick something else.” Is it really that simple? If it is, what the hell do I pick? If it’s not that simple, do we just have to end it?”

How religious is your wife? There’s a big difference between being Catholic and being CATHOLIC. 

Are we talking she goes to church multiple days a week with the kids and refuses to use birth control for the rest of your life or she goes to church on Easter and pops birth control pills like Adderall in Vegas?

If she’s just a casual church goer I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. But if she’s going to church every week are you staying at home while she and the kids go to church? Do your kids wave at you, “Bye daddy, I’m sorry you’re going to hell.” Do they go to some insanely conservative church where one day your kids come home and ask why the Jews, like their daddy, killed Jesus?

My point is, it’s hard for you to just pull out of all church related activities if they are going to be significant. Your other option is you become an embittered church goer like, I would bet, thousands of parents reading this right now. Where you go to church only to get your spouse from being mad at you for not going to church. 

As for what else you could get if you give up your religion in a compromise, I think you get to play this card all the time. I wouldn’t ask for any one thing, I’d file it away and bring it up whenever there was a tight call. Also, boobs has to be one of them. In fact, how many of you would trade your religious faith right now for your wife to have perfect boobs? 

Finally, you didn’t ask, but my advice when it comes to kids and religion is to expose them to religion and the major life lessons at a young age — it’s not like the ten commandments are that controversial — and then let them decide as they get older. And the most important lesson, as always, is to make sure your teenage daughters understand they go to hell if they see a penis before they are 20.

I’m sorry, that’s not dad’s rule, that’s in the Bible somewhere in the middle.

As it is written in Josea 46:15: “And ye will be smited and stoned and live forever in pestilence and terror in hell if you see a penis before you are twenty years old.” 

“Clay, I messed up. I broke the cardinal rule and am going to hell. I’ve accepted this. I hooked up with one of my best-friend’s girlfriends. And before you use your gay-Muslim super-powers to smite me, I need your help.

At the time, my friend and his girl friend were fighting constantly, and one of the fights went too far and they broke up (so all this happened within 12 hours of them breaking up). I had met her a few times and nothing had ever happened between us besides maybe being a little flirty at the bar. But, after this one fight, she called me on the phone crying and asked if she could come stay with me for the weekend. Now I go to college a few hours away, so I thought she would get over it soon enough and not make the trip, so I said she could come stay with me if she wanted. Turns out I was wrong and long story short she came up for the weekend and one thing lead to another and we ended up in bed together. She is a hard 10, blonde southern girl and I was thinking with my dick. Now we agreed it was a good time, but never to mention it to my friend and nothing has happened between us since.

Now for the kicker. They got back together like the week after this happened and now about a year later, my buddy tells me he is thinking about asking her to freaking marry him and wants me to be in the wedding! So the guilty part of me feels obligated to tell him what happened in-case it would change his mind and convince him that marrying her could potentially end up badly (They are 20 and 21 so I’m convinced this will end up in divorce anyways). The other part of me says not to say anything, and keep this secret to my grave.

So do I tell him or do I keep to myself and let their marriage play out?”

First, let’s not pretend you’re an innocent party here. When she called you asking to stay at your place over the weekend it was clear what she was trying to do. And you knew this too. So this is like first degree in cold blood cheating. You should have refused her request to come stay at your place, but she is a hot girl — #hotgirlprivilege and all — and she knew that you would be weak if she wanted to hook up with you and use it to spite her ex-boyfriend. 

But you let her stay with you and you hooked up and then they got back together again. 

Technically this isn’t cheating since they were on the break, but you still shouldn’t have hooked up with your buddy’s ex-girlfriend and you know that.

But I’ll be damned if I think this is an easy decision.

On the one hand you could keep your mouth shut and it’s unlikely this story ever comes out. If she’s kept quiet this long it’s unlikely she’s going to bring it up again. And you certainly aren’t saying anything. So assuming they actually get married you’d be standing there in the wedding party knowing you secretly slept with the bride. Which, to be honest, is probably not that that insanely uncommon for a member of the wedding party to have hooked up with the bride or groom before, either known by everyone or not known by anyone.

Now it’s awful for the bride and groom to start off their wedding lives with a lie like this, but the bride is choosing to keep it that way and you can argue that she should get to make this decision since she’s actually in the relationship. 

But if you want to do the 100% right thing, you tell him the entire story with the knowledge that this probably kills your own relationship with him. But that’s your fault, you behaved in the wrong way. Tell him you’re perfectly fine with them getting married, but that you have to tell him what you did after they broke up because you thought the relationship was over forever. 

And then let him decide how to respond. 

If you truly think they don’t belong together — and this breaks them up — then you may well be doing your former buddy a big favor. So my advice is to tell him, but I can see taking either path.

Good luck. 

“My wife and I are in our early 30s, both have stable jobs, have two great kids, and make close to 200k. Life is good- except for one issue. My wife has started lobbying for a third kid. I love kids, but I have never wanted more than two. Don’t get me wrong: I love making them, and any married man knows “wife trying to get pregnant” sex is second-to-none in the married sex continuum. Until recently, the Mrs. has not been able to make a compelling argument for baby #3. Last week she dropped a bomb on me. She has informed me that she will get new boobs after delivering the third child. What’s the move here? This has got me considering the third child. Is going from two kids to three kids that big of an adjustment? Kids are really expensive, but I’ve been hinting at the new rack for years and made very little headway. Is this a fair trade? What does the almighty boob-loving, gay-Muslim moderate advise?”

I absolutely love that you’re willing to take on 18 more years of parental responsibility if your wife gets new boobs. 

I also love the idea of you telling your third one day why you had him/her. “Well, we were kind of undecided about whether to have a third kid and then your mom said she’d get boobs and bang, you happened.”

Having said all of this, we have three kids and I think it’s absolutely fantastic. I legitimately can’t imagine only having two kids now and I would imagine that’s how most people feel once they have their third kid. Every kid is just so unique that if you can afford to raise three, why wouldn’t you raise three?

Is it more work? Certainly. After all, you’re switching from man-to-man to zone. But with every kid you become more laid back and you’re more prepared for the lifestyle changes. The jump from no kids to one kid is seismic, but once you move to two kids, you’re like, “God, we were such pussies when we thought one kid was a lot of work. Can you believe we ever thought this was overwhelming?”

I’m a much better dad now at 37 than I was at 28. You’re just calmer and more relaxed. Plus, you’ve seen how the first two turned out and you realize the third one will probably turn out fine too.

Also, your older two kids are able to help out with the youngest kid and play with him.

We have a 9 year old, a six year old and a two year old and I’d actually have a fourth because we don’t have financial constraints and my kids are all at pretty amazing ages right now. My opinion might change when they’re teenagers, but right now they’re awesome.

So I’d have a third kid even without boobs on the table.

With your wife adding boobs to the equation, I’d go for it.   

“I’m a high school teacher that just turned 31. I’ve been teaching for several years. As you can probably guess, being a young teacher that has juniors and seniors has meant a lot of very attractive girls that are legal having a crush on me over the years. That being said, I’ve only had one sex dream about a student, I was at my desk, the room was empty, she came in and gave me a blowjob and then we had sex on my desk. When I woke up I thought it was real for a second and work that day was rather odd.”

Wow. What a sex dream confession. Up until I saw this one I thought confessing to Paul Finebaum was going to be number one in our sex dream confession list. 

What percentage of male high school teachers do you think have had sex dreams about 16, 17 and 18 year old students they teach? And then what percentage do you think have ever admitted it?

I’m going with 75% and 0% outside of the anonymous mailbag.

Also, how would this compare with female teachers? I’m going with 5% and 0%.  

“I’m a 24 year old grad from an SEC school and one of my best friends in college is getting married this summer. I was talking with the groom several weeks ago and some of the wedding planning came up. I told him that I own a tux so if the tux for the wedding was just a standard tux then I should be pretty much set with what I have. 

Fast forward to this past weekend and I get an email to all the groomsmen saying to go by the store they picked out and get fitted for a tux. Now $200 isnt the end of the world, but I’d much rather spend that on something that I dont already own. Am I crazy here for not wanting to rent virtually the exact same tux I own? Do I tell him…look the tux is almost exactly the same and everyone is going to be looking at the bride and bridesmaids in the pix anyways?  I would hate for my buddy and his wife to be like “wow so and so didnt even wear the right tux to our wedding and it was only $200. What a dick.” Or something along those lines… My brother, in his wedding, told the guys to wear the tux they owned assuming it was black and had two buttons…otherwise go rent one. So that’s the precedent I am going with.

A gay man like yourself should know all about southern wedding fashion and protocol.” 

The wedding tux industry is the biggest money grab in all of weddings. And the entire wedding industry is just a money grab so you can imagine how awful of a deal this is since men’s tuxes are the worst possible deal. 

Seriously, it’s infuriating.

At least bridesmaids get to keep their dresses. We spend hundreds of dollars to wear a typically ill-fitting tux for around 14 hours and then you have to keep up with all the different parts and return them to the people you rented them from.  

I have rented the same basic wedding tux in at least seven states. And had to pay around $200 every time. 

It sounds like your brother was nice in trying to save his wedding party money, but you told your buddy about the tux you already had and he told you to go pick up your tux. I’d just pay for it.

You’re right that people probably won’t notice, but what if your tux is noticeably different in some way in the pictures. And then his wife notices and gets pissed at him.

Is him getting bitched at because his asshole friend wouldn’t rent the tux really worth $200?

Plus, your buddy has probably got a billion things on his mind and he doesn’t want to worry about his friends screwing up the tuxes. (And all of you are going to screw up the tuxes because none of you are going to go get measured. I’ve never gotten measured for a tux rental. I’m always just tossing out random numbers to the tux people on the phone three days before the wedding.)

So just pay the rental.

…

Okay, I’m off to Animal Kingdom and I haven’t even proofread the anonymous mailbag answers because my wife is demanding that I leave at this exact moment.

Love y’all.

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com 

And pray for me. This is our third day at Disney.