Anonymous Mailbag

It’s anonymous mailbag Tuesday, but I’m attaching something for you guys to check out and share at the top of the mailbag today. Here’s the video of yesterday’s Outkick the Show with guests Jason Whitlock and Michael McCann, a top sports lawyer who writes for Sports Illustrated, discussing the Peyton Manning case. I’d encourage all of you to either watch or listen to yesterday’s show because it’s the only place on the Internet where you’ll actually understand what’s happening. 

I’d like to say I’m surprised by how stupid most of the coverage of this Peyton Manning case has been, but cases like this expose how dumb most of the sports media is. They literally have no idea what they’re reading or how to understand and analyze a story like this. Their readers and listeners are just as dumb and the result is a cavalcade of stupidity. So if you care about this story at all, watch or listen to yesterday’s show and share it with people who are saying dumb things.  

We can’t make everybody intelligent, but at least we can direct them to intelligent commentary that discusses the case in a smarter way than anyone anywhere else is doing. 

Outkick the Show talking Peyton Manning with Whitlock and top sports lawyer.

Posted by Clay Travis on Monday, February 15, 2016

Now to anonymous mailbag dick jokes. (By the way, do you know pissed off PC bros are that we have the most intelligent discussion of the Peyton Manning case on the Internet and the best dick jokes on the Internet? In the same article? We’re blowing their minds every single day.) 

“Need your take on a situation. So the first traditional wedding (i.e. not shotgun style) occurred recently for a member of my high school graduation class. Despite being invited, it was a fall wedding so I didn’t go. The week after the wedding, I saw on Facebook that the groom apparently took the bride’s last name. Being the detective that I am, I had to do some investigation and get to the bottom of this. Apparently the bride had cited she didn’t take his last name because she was stubborn about carrying on her last name as she and her sisters are the last of her surnames kind and that his last name is from his adoption and he has two male siblings to carry on their surname.

My question to you is what would have been your course of action if your wife refused to become a Travis and would you ever allow your boys to be talked into ditching the great Travis name?”

I wouldn’t have gotten married if I’d had to take my wife’s last name and give up my own. I don’t even think I’d have been okay with a hyphen name for our kids, but we could have debated that for a long time if necessary. I’m totally fine with a woman keeping her own name if she wants to do that, but I’m not taking yours. Sorry. 

The only way this makes sense to me is if she has a bad ass last name — potentially with a really rich dad who would pay me to do it — and his last name is awful. Like if your last name was Harrycuntz and her last name was Gates, I’d make the switch and just pretend to be Bill Gates’s son. Otherwise I’d never make this move.

And even then how do you look your dad in the face and tell him you’re abandoning the family name? And then what happens when this girl leaves him for another dude who isn’t as much of a wimp and he has to flip his name back? Is there even protocol for this? It seems like simple things like getting driver’s license and passports and credit cards would be a disaster.

Fun bar debate, how much would your father-in-law have to pay you to switch your last name to his when you married his daughter?

Most importantly, congrats to this dude on winning the ESPY for courage this year.  

“I am getting married soon and have an issue about the bachelor’s party. My best man (who has been my best friend for more than 20 years) is quite conservative and doesn’t support bachelor’s parties and I respect his beliefs. (For the record, I am less conservative than he.) Due to bad luck timing with the military most of my friends are PCSing at the same time right before the party and won’t be able to take leave. So I was thinking of just going somewhere by myself for the weekend. (The fiancee wants her bachelorette party and mine to be over the same weekend). Given that more than likely I’d be solo, where should I go?

For what it’s worth, my work sends me to Vegas somewhat frequently so I want something a little different.”

I’d postpone the bachelor party until your friends are back in town. Because a solo bachelor party sounds pretty depressing. Then you’re just the dude by himself in a strip club. No one wants to be the dude by himself at the strip club.

Your other option is just go do something conservative with your best man. Go on a rafting trip or go to a cabin and get drunk and build fires and shoot guns or something. Sure, it’s not great, but it’s better than getting drunk at a strip club by yourself.    

Put simply, you don’t want to roll solo doing typical bachelor party shenanigans. What’s fun in a group gets pretty pathetic by yourself. “Hey, more shots!” Can you imagine approaching the strip club DJ and saying, “Hey, it’s my bachelor party, can you let me on the stage solo to be embarrassed/danced on by the ladies?”

Good luck. 

“I’m 29 and was previous engaged to a girl about 5 years ago. It ended. Now we live in different cities that are not within driving distance. We text and talk every now and then and it usually delves into discussing the highlight reel in the bedroom. The last time we saw each other was about a year ago and we slept together then. (Stop judging me. I thought this was a safe space.) Anyways, she wants me to come out and visit and has gone as far as to offer up a three way with one of her friends.

Do I spend the money (airline ticket, probably hotel, etc) and take the chance that this is real? I put the chances of the three way actually happening at 10% and sex with just the ex at about 80%. Or I could just end up with my dick in my hand and time to kill. The money isn’t really an issue, but I’m not in the business of wasting it (or my time) and it could certainly be well spent at home.”

I love that you broke down your probabilities here. I’ve long argued that it would be awesome to have the best oddsmaker in America following you around analyzing the probability of everything you do in a given night at a bar. Like, you can just point to a girl at the bar and he could tell you what your odds with her were. (Everyone kind of does this already, right? It’s why the hottest girl at the bar actually gets approached less often than the 20th hottest girl at the bar.) 

Anyway, I think you’re underrating your odds of sleeping with your ex. They’re 100%. (Unless you deciding not to do it represents the 20% failure rate). And I think your odds of a threesome are better than 10%. If she’s tossing it out there as a probability your next step is to ask for pictures of the friend. Even if she’s lying about the threesome she’s trying to entice you to come visit her, which is why your odds of sex with her are 100%.  

So you have to take the trip. 

Good luck with the threesome. 

“Last Tuesday, you talked about washing your hands in the bathroom.  I 100% agree on your opinion, that going to the bathroom itself isn’t the reason you should wash your hands because the penis is probably the cleanest part of the body. But rather, just getting into the habit to wash your hands because the sink is right there.

I’d like to address the fact that you mentioned that your penis doesn’t touch anything other than your underwear except when you pee.  I don’t touch my penis at all when peeing in a urinal. My friends think I’m a freak for admitting this but I think I only had one accident of a side stream hitting my pants. They also later said I can only do this because I must have such a small dick that I pee horizontally into the urinal. However, I proved them wrong by going into the bathroom and they stood behind me as I raised my hands and my stream went down as normal (I’m not sure why I’m telling you this or why it matters to my question)

My question is: am I a freak for not touching my penis while peeing in a urinal? If so, it’s not a Steven Avery not owning underwear level right?”

My five year old wouldn’t touch his penis when he first started standing and peeing and for a couple of months every time he peed it was like he was spray washing the side of a house. I mean, there was pee everywhere. It looked like a pee murder scene. So I think lots of young kids start with the not touching their dick while peeing move and then realize it isn’t possible or predictable and move to adult hood, which generally consists of holding your penis in front of the urinal.

You’re a clear freak.  

I love that you brought your friends in to witness your no hands peeing too. (But by standing behind you how can they verify your penis size and know that you aren’t horizontal peeing?)

The positive side to no hands peeing is it frees up both your hands if you’re attacked by a ninja while peeing, the negative is, what do you do with your hands? (I’m picturing your no hands peeing genes surviving because your ancestors were able to fend off Indian attacks in the American West with your free hands, whereas the other dudes got scalped while peeing. You ever notice, by the way, the percentage of dudes in western movies who get killed while peeing? I would never have gone into the woods to pee. Ever.)

Somewhat related thought that’s a fun bar debate, how much different would male life be if your erect penis length was as noticeable as your height? Like, what if all men had their erect penis lengths stamped on their foreheads? How does human interaction change? Do women noticeably adjust their dating behavior? Do men adjust their behavior more than women? Instead of decoding the human genome has all of male technology been focused on penis length addition technology? 

Discuss. 

“So I’m about to graduate and sadly get on with my real life, and I’m in a tough spot. The girl I’m seeing is going to work for (large investment bank) come September, sounds good in all, except for the fact that she will be working 80-100 hours a week. Sure she will be getting paid lots and lots, but a)I’m chivalrous enough for her not to pay for shit and b) I probs won’t ever see her. It’s not that serious right now and as a 22 year old it probably won’t work out in future. So do I just end it now, wait until September or just lock it down and live off her for the rest of my life?”

Your girlfriend is smart, ambitious and hard working. That’s a good trio. So I wouldn’t break up with her because she’s going to be working too much. She’s your sugar mama. Plus, what are you 44 years old and having a mid-life crisis? Why do you need to be around each other that much anyway?

You’re 22 and neither of you have any kids. Even if she works 80 hours a week, when she’s not working she has no obligations. Trust me, every parent out there reading this right now would kill to only have a job — no matter how many hours you work — and have every other non-working hour to do whatever they want. 

Given the choice between being 22 and having a girlfriend who wants to be with you all the time and being 22 and having a girlfriend who can’t be with you that much, wouldn’t every guy pick the latter option? Go have fun with your guy friends more often.

If you don’t want a girlfriend at 22 that’s perfectly reasonable, but breaking up because of her job is dumb. 

“I am a 49 year old woman who got back into the dating scene because my ex found somebody else. So I’ve been dating this guy for about 6 months now. He’s 43 and my teenage daughter says I’m a cougar.

I don’t want my name mentioned because my son and a lot of my friends read your site. So here’s my problem…I’m SUPER FREAKING HORNY!!!! 

I’m the one that wants to sex and I can’t seem to get him to ever initiate anything.  He was super sexual at first, but now he isn’t. ..at all.

It’s like he has almost moved into my place but I really have to instigate every time we have sex. I wish we would have sex at least 3 times a week. When we have sex  it’s really amazing and it lasts forever! (we last about 1 to 2 hours with a lot of foreplay)  but I can’t figure out why I can’t get him to initiate anything.

I mean I do the whole foreplay, I do the blow jobs. When you had that Kanye West story, let me tell you that if you get right behind the scrotum area, trust me, that sends a guy into overdrive. Guys should really try it. Let their girlfriends or wives do it. But I’m telling you, I don’t understand him.  I have something that works so good, and yet he will never initiate.  So my question to you is:  This is the only problem I have with him.  I’m lucky if I get it 2 times s month. UGH. 🙁  Should I keep trying to bring it up and just know that he’s not initiating? OR do I say I got to find a guy thats more into sex than you?  When I hit menopause I know I can’t get pregnant….EVER AGAIN SO….. sex becomes amazing at least it has for me now I just don’t know what to do with him.

I need sex….the hugging and snuggling is nice but I want more.  I get my trusty dildo out and stay with him or find love somewhere else?”

Just when you think the anonymous mailbag is your safe escape from real life, some poor dude just read that his mom wants sex all the time and has a trusty sex toy. 

Three thoughts:

1. Could he need Viagra and be nervous about telling you? So he has to plan out sex more than you like to plan it out? I’ve never used Viagra, but if he’s going one or two hours, he may be juicing. That’s not a normal dude. 

2. Have you thought about having sex for ten minutes like most of us do? Maybe he’s nervous about the time commitment. 

3. My final thought — why not ask him for exactly what you want instead of trying to hint around and make it happen? If you tell him you want sex every other day, I don’t know many guys who are going to turn that down. And if he does, at least you have your answer.  

“I was recently called for jury duty in Memphis and, while sitting in the waiting area for 8+ hours with over 500 of my randomly selected fellow civil servants, I did what any other man would do: played “would or wouldn’t” in my head with each female juror (this is totally normal, right?). My final “would” number was 2 our of ~250 women, which results in a bangablity quotient of 0.8 per 100 women.  This leads me to pose two questions:

1) Is jury duty the most accurate forum to derive a city’s bangability quotient?  I think it is because it’s a truly random selection. If you use a bar scene, concert, or other public event, there’s too much causality that would skew the BQ.  It’s like ranking a university’s co-ed population by its best sorority video (not that I’ve ever done that or anything).

2) How would areas known for great looking women score?  Would Orange County, CA hit 5-7?”

My first thought is how balanced is the BQ on any given day of jury duty. For instance, if you were in charge of the Memphis jury pool it would only take a few hot girls for you to think the pool that day was really hot.

Do you think the men in your jury pool were also similarly undesirable? (And don’t be that dude who is like, “I have no idea what other dudes look like.” You’re lying.) For instance, if one of the two women that met your criteria had also been ranking the men in the jury pool, what would her count have been? I’m also now thinking that you had an incredible opportunity here, what if you’d walked up to one of these girls in the jury pool and said, “I gotta tell you, you are the hottest person I’ve ever seen in jury duty. How do I rank for you? Top ten? Top 100?”

I think that line works every time. (One of you single guys needs to try this and report back to us). Even if she’s not interested in you at all, it’s a really funny opening line. How do you not keep talking to this guy? Especially since everyone is bored to death in jury duty. All you do is sit in a room and wait and watch a crappy video. So she’d probably break down the men in the jury pool and give you her BQ analysis. (If you open with this line and you’re watching “The Bachelor” too and can follow it up with discussion about how crazy Olivia is then she might marry you.)

So I think a jury pool is a pretty fair test, but my concern is the audience isn’t substantial enough to get an accurate representation based on a single jury pool. That is, with only 250 women involved it would only take four or five very attractive women to substantially skew a city’s number. The theory I’ve always heard is that if you get a random crowd of about 1300 to vote on something the numbers don’t change much after that. I’ve found this to be true in my own Twitter polls. Absent someone rigging the results, once 1300 people have voted the numbers stay pretty consistent. If you had 1300 people I’d think it would be an accurate representation. 

There is zero doubt in my mind that the richer the city, county or region, the hotter the women are. So I think income, honestly, is probably the best predictive value for BQ. The richer the area, the hotter the girls in the jury pool. (With notable exceptions for rich retirement communities like Naples, Florida or Palm Spring, California). 

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The anonymous mailbag runs every Tuesday on Outkick. Send your anonymous mailbag questions, anonymity guaranteed, to clay.travis@gmail.com