Anonymous Mailbag

Charlotte McKinney, Kliff Kingsbury

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag. 

I’m going to start off with Donald Trump decapitating Ted Cruz last night. 

If you haven’t seen this video yet, just watch it. Trump is a genius. 

Here’s yesterday’s Outkick the Show discussing Peyton Manning’s legacy, how the Super Bowl will define Cam Newton until he wins a Super Bowl, and why every quarterback is defined by a pro and anti-narrative.

I think y’all will enjoy it. (And it has to be better than work, right?) Today’s Outkick the Show will be a primetime special on the New Hampshire primary results. 

Here we go: 

“So this definitely needs to be kept anonymous because my dad reads your mailbag and I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m still a virgin. But anyways so me and my new girlfriend have gotten pretty serious and comfortable with each other. Comfortable enough where she will pee in front of me with the door open. ( this is important I promise) But as any new couple in the early twenties we are having lots of sex. And this girl is incredible, best sex I have ever had. Even loves getting blowjobs. Gives me a blow job almost every time before we have sex. So I might not ever marry her so that doesn’t stop. Just to make an old married man like yourself and your readers jealous this same girlfriend told me she was going to bring me lunch at work today and blow me at my desk. 100% real. We have already had sex on my desk when my boss was out of the office.

But the problem is the other night right before we had sex she told me she had to pee. So I let her go pee and I waited for her in bed. But she went with the door open so I watched her pee and then come get in bed with me without washing her hands. I asked her if she was going to wash her hands and she said no. I told her that I didn’t want her putting her hands all over me while we were having sex if she didn’t wash her hands after going to the bathroom. So she reluctantly went and washed them. A few nights later we were both getting ready for bed and she peed and didn’t wash her hands and said “I don’t give a fuck” and jumped in bed expecting me to come join her. So my question to you is this: do I just suck it up and not say anything and just take the sex with her germ covered hands? Or do I tell her to start washing her hands more?”

You have a perfect girlfriend and you’re hung up about whether or not she WASHES HER HANDS AFTER SHE PEES BUT BEFORE SHE HAS SEX WITH YOU!

I’m sorry for raising my voice here, but YOU ARE INSANE AND DRIVING ME CRAZY.

Okay, let me calm down. First, I’m not a hand washer every time I pee. Because I think that’s dumb. Let me explain. I take quite a few early morning flights. Before I get in my car and drive to the airport I take a shower and wash myself. The next time my penis touches anything other than underwear, is when I go to pee before I get on the plane. My theory is that I get more germs by using the faucet than I get from touching my penis with my hands. My penis is perfectly clean at this point.

So I think we’ve been sold a bill of goods here on washing our hands after we pee. I think the reason to do it is just because, in general, it makes sense to wash your hands more than most do and people have connected it to the bathroom because there is ready access to a sink there. When all I touch is my penis, which is otherwise hidden inside my pants all day after a shower, what germs am I getting? I think my dick is clean. 

Now, I use those squirty anti-germ things all over the place, if I pass one, I use it, but I don’t connect going to the bathroom with a necessity that I wash my hands because I think I keep my hands pretty clean.

Sorry, I’m team girlfriend here.

Also, you have no idea how good you have it right now. Your sex life is all downhill from this point. Ask your dad, who is probably jerking off to the mailbag right now worried that he’s jerking off to his son’s sexual exploits. 

“Hey Clay, I am going through some rough stuff and need your help. My wife and I have been together for almost 9 years and married for 3. We have a 2 year old son together and a 9 year old daughter that isn’t mine but I have been taking care of her since she was like 1. Anyways a couple of days before Christmas my wife told me she wanted a divorce. She is not happy anymore and the main reason is she is resentful of the fact that she makes more money than me.

She makes about $80,000 a year in her profession and I make about $30,000. Now she is a college graduate and I am not. She says I am not a motivated person and that she wants different things in her life now and she just doesn’t like having all the financial pressure on her. I guess for some reason she is not comfortable being the financial head of the household. She says that is a guy’s job. So now she is going out on dates with doctors and business owners. She says the next guy she ends up with she wants to make sure makes more than her. I don’t think she is a gold digger, like I said she just doesn’t like having the stress of the finances all on her. So my question is a 2 part one. Is that a good reason for a divorce, do you see her side of the argument and I do feel like a loser for not being very motivated in life for whatever reason and never going to college and now I am facing the consequences. Not just losing my marriage but I have a crappy job that is a dead end. So at 31 years old only making $30,000 does that make me a failure. I just feel like I have failed in so many areas in my life… Need some guidance from the wonderful Clay Travis.”

First, y’all make $110,000 a year combined — and I’m not giving away your anonymity by saying this — but you live in a Southern city, so it’s not like you’re trying to make that salary work in Manhattan. Making $110k a year should be plenty for you guys to live really well on. That’s roughly twice what the average American family of four makes. In times such as these, an appropriate Kanye West lyric comes to mind: “Now I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger, but she ain’t messin’ with no broke niggas.”

She’s clearly gold digging here. 

If anyone’s wife — or husband — said he or she was leaving because the other spouse wasn’t making enough money, my first thought would be, “What an asshole,” my second thought would be, if I still wanted to stay with my spouse, what can I do to make more money? It’s not like you’re broke and making nothing, you’re working, you’re just not making enough money to satisfy her.

She knew what you made before you got married, right? So what has changed since then? My suspicion here is your wife is really upset by your lack of ambition and drive and she’s using your salary as evidence of that fact.

Look, lots of women are attracted to money because it represent security and safety for the family. Biologically it makes total sense that women are attracted to men with resources since it makes it more likely that their offspring will survive and be advantaged. Put it this way, it’s not a coincidence that rich guys get hot wives. 

If you want to keep your wife you need some ambition in your life. And you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself about the decisions you made in your past. That’s over. So what can you do to increase your salary now and make yourself more desirable to your wife?

The bigger question you have to decide is this — how much do you want to be with your wife? To be honest, she doesn’t sound like a great person. 

“Clay,

I’m a first-year law student and a long-time reader of your works (Dixieland Delight still being one of my favorite sports books of all-time- a legitimate compliment seeing as how I have actually managed to read other books about sports aside from Dixieland Delight).

Law school question for your wise counsel: how do you distinguish between the fairly common 1L student’s daily desire to punch the “eject” button on law school and the more serious, reflective thought process of “maybe I really do want to do something else with my life” mindset? To be clear, I’m doing really well academically so far (I’m ranked in the top 5 of my class after Fall Exams), but I find myself trending closer and closer toward the line of resenting each and every day of my 1L student existence. Older friends of mine that have already finished school and been admitted to the Bar have assured me that 2L and 3L years get much better in terms of quality of life, but I’m becoming concerned that the way I’ve been feeling lately may be a leading indicator of not wanting to actually practice law. Given the debt I’m incurring, this thought terrifies me.

As a well-traveled, gay Muslim who passed 3 bar exams and loved the practice of law so much that you now write for a living, please tell me how I should go about solving this dilemma in a sensible and responsible way.”

My wife dropped out of law school after one year because she decided she didn’t want to be a lawyer. She knew after a year it wasn’t for her. I loved law school and would have never left. But just about every lawyer wishes, in his or her heart of hearts, that they weren’t actually a lawyer. So your feelings aren’t uncommon. I would bet a large portion of your class has had similar thoughts. 

My question is this: what would you do if you weren’t a lawyer and can you do it right now if you leave after a year? If you have something you love then there’s no harm in dropping out after a year and pursuing it. Of course you could also finish law school and pursue your interest as a hobby while practicing law too.

I started writing online 12 years ago because I loved that much more than practicing law. And eventually it led me here. But I didn’t have a designed plan in mind when I first started writing online in 2004.

In general, consider law school to be a part of your life’s path, not the final destination. Just because you’re a lawyer doesn’t mean you have to practice traditional law. Lawyers make livings doing just about everything under the sun. And the happiest lawyers I know aren’t practicing law.

Good luck.   

“We all saw Kanye get exposed as that guy who gets his butthole played with. Personally, I could never comprehend why a straight male would want his butthole played with, but since I’ve been in college I’ve heard girls talk about guys that like that kind of stuff. Also my friends say they’ve heard about stuff like that as well? What I am getting at is what is the o/u on let’s say every 10 guys that you know that like to get the Kanye treatment? Is it more common than I think?”

How common is ass play?

I think it’s pretty common. That’s why I was surprised that Kanye denied it. I really expected him to turn it into a popular sex move with a new song, fingers in the booty ass bitch.  

I would say that 35% of straight men, at some point in their life, have had a finger or tongue in their ass. I would say that 10-15% actively request it as part of regular sex. (This is where we need an escort to write a regular column for Outkick and break down all the sexual proclivities based on her experience).  

“You always hear “oh this college has the hottest girls or sororities”, but when you think about it with any large group of people the top percentage are always going to be attractive. I was born in Ohio, and I am here to state that Miami (OH) has the biggest discrepancy of hot girls to average guys. I went to Ohio State and my theory is that Ohio State attracts a higher proportion of above-average looking guys because of their sports teams. I’m not talking about college athletes, but athletic guys that played sports at a fairly high level in high school. Whereas the girls that attended Ohio State were more in line with the national average of attractiveness. Now you look at Miami (OH). Not one Ohio-born guy that loves college sports, or basically sports in general, is looking at becoming a passionate Red Hawk fan when choosing between these two public universities. MAC football be damned.

I had never been to the Miami campus when I started dating my wife, who was a student there at the time. After no more than 4 hours on campus, a shocking, and frankly disturbing trend started to reveal itself. Beautiful women were everywhere, but what was most alarming was that they were with the college-aged equivalents of Ken Kratz. It’s simply supply and demand right? But in my 4 years at OSU I had to fight my ass off to even get a hot girls attention. At Miami, if you could throw a football more than 15 yards in the air the women would flock to you. Now, you could say this was a random event, a point in time. Not so. My wife’s cousin is currently a sophomore there (a better decision, he could not have made) and much like Chazz from Wedding Crashers, he’s cleaning up.

The worst part about this whole thing is that these guys have no idea how out of their league these girls are. In your much traveled history, what would you call this phenomenon and have you seen it in other places?”

Yeah, I think it applies to cities too. For instance, Nashville, per capita, has more hot women than any city I’ve ever been to. My top eleven hottest girl power rankings on a per capita city basis would look like this:

1. Nashville

2. Miami

3. Los Angeles

4. Scottsdale, AZ

5. Manhattan

6. Charleston

7. Las Vegas

8. Washington, D.C.

9. Dallas

10. Houston

11. Birmingham 

My theory is that the more hot girls there are the harder the women compete to be the hottest, driving the hotness quotient higher still. Basically hot begets hotter.  

In terms of colleges, I think the SEC dominates this list. I have spent an awful lot of time on SEC campuses and there are so many more hot women than hot guys on campus. I mean, I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve seen out of shape, chubby frat guys walking around tailgates with perfect tens.

The SEC leads the nation in outkicks. 

When I was at Vanderbilt for law school the girls were so hot the best part of our day at school was when we’d walk up to the undergrad cafeteria and eat every day. We were just in awe.

And you’re totally right about this, if you’re an undergrad guy, you’re probably bitching and moaning about insignificant crap, unaware of how remarkable it is to be surrounded by an ocean of hot ass. Stop moping, you loser.  

“My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 6 months now. We’re both in college, but while I live away from home and attend one college, she still lives at home and attends another school about 45 minutes away from me. Thus, when she doesn’t come stay with me, I go to her house to see her. And all is fine and dandy except for one issue. I can’t seem to poop at her house due to my fear of becoming an infamous Anonymous Mailbag poop story. Am I being overly paranoid, or do I just need to man up and pinch one off at her house?”

Yes, you are being overly paranoid. 

If you want to ensure that all is well with the toilet toss a couple of pieces of toilet paper in the toilet and flush to ensure it’s working properly. 

“As a long time Outkick reader, I need a gay Muslim man’s perspective on a very serious issue. This morning at the gym, after a reasonably miserable workout, I was showering, when from another stall came some grunts.  I am not talking about small “this hot water feels good after a hard workout grunts” either.  There is only one thing that makes a grown man grunt like this.  Dude was clearly masturbating in a gym shower, and not even trying to be sly about it.  

This is probably one of the most disgusting things that I have ever experienced.  I mean, I could have used a shower stall after this guy (shower flip flops for the win). This guy is like ten feet away from a bunch of naked dudes, and he is just whacking away.  

Where on the Scale of Unacceptable Behavior for a Grown Ass Man (UBGAM) does this fall with 1 being tucking a t-shirt into your jeans and ten being ordering no whip cream on your non-fat decaf iced latte because you are a vegan? I give it an eleven.”

It’s the most socially unacceptable thing I can imagine a grown man doing in a public shower.

The only thing more socially awkward here would be if you saw the jerker come out of the shower after doing his business and he was your boss. (Or your father-in-law. How do you sit at Thanksgiving dinner watching your father-in-law say grace if you know he jerks off in the gym shower while grunting? Can you ever tell his daughter? Would she believe you? I think you might have to get divorced on principle. What if your kids got the jerked off in public showers while grunting gene? You can’t risk this.) 

“Behold the great and mighty wise gay muslim! I have found myself in a rather odd situation in my first year of law school. I am a young black man with a very healthy sex drive and a somewhat taboo preference for older women. During undergrad one way or another I found myself quite involved in the swinger scene because believe it or not there is somewhat of a high demand for young strapping black men amongst these cougars.

I have spent many nights in the various swinger clubs around the city I go to law school in and entertained many married women and met many of their husbands. It was to my shock and awe the first day of classes this fall when a professor walked in to teach the class and lo and behold this is one of the many husbands that I have had the pleasure of railing their wife. My question is what would the great wise gay muslim do in this situation? I 100% know he knows who I am and knows that I know who he is. Do I continue to hit up his wife and have causal sex with her or do I cut off ties due to the various professional risks that could come up? Keep in mind I live in a southern state where this lifestyle is in no way considered normal or acceptable. Also said wife is a solid 8/10 and would rival sandra bullock for the sexiest 51 y/o on the planet. Completely closeted swingers that not a soul would ever detect. Any advice appreciated.”

Assuming this story is true, just a flat out incredible email. 

I would approach him in office hours one day and say, “Just so you know, I’m never going to tell anyone about our lifestyle choices.”

Unless this law professor is insane, he’s going to give you a great grade in class to keep you happy and silent. I’d refrain from sleeping with his wife this semester and then resume as you see fit once you’re out of the class.  

Congrats on screwing your way to an A, it’s the American dream. 

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to clay.travis@gmail.com

Anonymity guaranteed. 

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.