Anonymous Mailbag

Charlotte McKinney, Kliff Kingsbury

It’s anonymous mailbag Tuesday. Another busy day in San Francisco, I’ll be on FS1 from 3-4 eastern and then doing Outkick the Show live from Twitter. 

Last night Ted Cruz won the Iowa Caucus and you can listen to our show from Twitter headquarters reacting to the caucus results here.

You can also see our video touring the Twitter headquarters here.  

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Posted by Clay Travis on Monday, February 1, 2016

On to the mailbag. 

“Years ago in high school we got out for a snow day. One of our friends had his girlfriend over to watch a movie at his house the night before. The storm hit while she was there and his parents didn’t think it would be safe for her to drive home, so she stayed the night. Separate sleeping quarters, of course, so no big deal. Fast forward to the next morning. After eating breakfast with his family, our friend and his lady went upstairs and ended up in his room, which was right beside the laundry room. One thing led to another and she started to perform on him and they failed to close the door. About this time, his mom walked upstairs to do a load of laundry. As she passed his room, she not only saw the girlfriend on her knees going to town, but actually made eye contact with her son as he was getting the business. Both mother and son were horrified. The girlfriend was also really embarrassed once she realized what happened. Not only that, but they were all snowed in so there was no escape. As he recounted the story, our friend claimed that there is nothing more embarrassing than making eye contact with your mom while getting a blowjob. Which brings us to our debate…

This is clearly an awkward situation for everyone involved. Some of us side with our friend and agree that it was most embarrassing for him. Others believe the situation was most embarrassing for his mom. There’s probably also a strong argument to be made that it was most embarrassing for his girlfriend. Please settle this debate for us. Who is this situation most embarrassing for and why?”

First, did they finish? (Email update: no).

Second, here is the embarrassment power rankings along with my explanation for why:

1. The girlfriend

Every girlfriend is already afraid that every boyfriend’s mom thinks she’s a whore, and now the mom catches her giving a blow job? There’s no way she can feel comfortable in that house again. (Also, the post traumatic blow job stress here has to be significant. That girl didn’t give blow jobs anywhere outside of a double locked bedroom door for the next decade). 

Plus, she didn’t necessarily know this happened. (Although you’d think unless the son is a sociopath that making eye contact with his mom while he’s getting a blow job would lead to some reaction.).

2. The mom

The son and the girlfriend are at least able to commiserate over their awkward, shared life experience. But what does the mom do? Does she go downstairs and immediately discuss it with her snowed in husband? (If she does, the husband definitely thinks this is the funniest story possible. And, since he’s a married guy, is suddenly jealous of the fact that his son is getting blowjobs and he isn’t.)

More importantly, in the immediate aftermath of what she saw, how long does the mom stay in the laundry room to make sure the blow job is over? She’s doubly trapped — first by the snow and now by a blow job. I mean, the door is open. The worst thing that could happen is you go by a second time and see your son finishing on this poor girl’s face. 

That had to be the saddest laundry load of her life. 

3. The son

Yes, it’s your mom, but even if she catches you getting a blow job, she’s not going to ever love you less. Your life changes the least based on this encounter. Also, if you had to choose between getting caught jerking off alone by your mom, or getting caught getting a blow job, don’t you pick the blow job?

There’s zero doubt the son has the least amount of lasting ramifications here.  

“How would life be different if all grown men had the same size junk? Would the male emphasis/concern shift to something else? Would men be more affected than women? There must be species for which penis size is more or less standard? Why wouldn’t things be this way with people?”

This is actually a brilliant question — why wouldn’t humanity have evolved to the point where everyone has a gigantic, pornstar penis?

Men prefer large penises, I would guess that women prefer large penises over small penises, so why in the world over tens of thousands of years of human evolution would the large penis not have eliminated the small penis from male biology? We need a modern day Charles Darwin to explain this. 

The only explanation — based on my limited knowledge of evolutionary biology — is that the small penis must convey some lasting biological advantage that the gigantic penis does not. But what is it? Do small penised men live longer? Do they have better heart health? Less cancer risk? Are they more intelligent? Are they more faithful and hence their own offspring is advantaged in this way? There has to be some reason why we don’t all have gigantic penises.

My theory is that gigantic penised men take more risks and hence die younger.   

I would love to see a study on this.

How would life be different? There would be many fewer expensive sportscars on the road.  

“My wife is 39 weeks pregnant with our first child and we expect the delivery at any moment now. I have cleared my schedule for a couple of weeks because I want to have the appearance of being a good husband and father. I have even decided not to attend any Super Bowl parties. All that being said, my wife informed me today I could invite two of my good friends and their families over to watch the Super Bowl at our house. I thought she was crazy, but she said I could invite them over. We do not have a huge house and the baby will be no more than 1 and 1/2 weeks old. Do I go ahead and invite my friends over and assume she will remember it was her idea? Am I asking for a nightmare to have 6 adults and 4 children in my house to watch the Super Bowl knowing only me and my two friends will be the only ones interested in the actual game?”

Watch the Super Bowl at home by yourself.

This is an easy call. Your wife is underestimating what she’s going to feel and look like with a one week old baby.  

The last thing a mom with a brand new baby wants to be concerned about is how messy her house is or whether there’s enough food for the game. Also, if the baby is sleeping and gets woken up by football fans, this is a disaster. (Honestly, if you have a baby and it gets woken up by anyone, you’re ready to murder the offenders. Whenever the doorbell rings and our baby is sleeping, I want to strangle the people who rang the doorbell. Especially when THERE IS A SIGN SAYING TO KNOCK AND NOT TO RING THE DOORBELL YOU GODDADMN IDIOTS).

“With the Super Bowl coming up, I need to confess something that I’ve long been in denial about: I turned down field passes to the Music City Miracle game for freaking Church. League. Basketball.

Some background: I was only in 9th grade, and had told a friend in September or October that I would play with him on his church team. This league was surprisingly competitive. Several of the older guys eventually got college football scholarships, and their coaches wouldn’t let them play varsity bball, so they played here instead. Being younger and unathletic meant that I played maybe 6 minutes per game. So when another friend invited me to join him and his dad at the first-ever Titans’ playoff game, I knew no one at basketball would mind or even notice if I wasn’t there. But my parents were set against it. I had given my word so many months earlier, and I needed to see it through. I still have no idea how they got those field passes, but the dad is visible behind Kevin Dyson in some pictures and it still makes me cringe. I know this puts me in rare company, since there are about 300,000 Nashvillians today that claim they were at the game and in their seat and totally not headed to the exit at the time. I don’t know if I need to be mocked or consoled, but either way I’m ready to move on now that the Titans might never again make the playoffs in our lifetime.”

I’m calling bullshit on your parents here. This isn’t your fault, this is your parent’s fault. You had to keep your obligations to a church league basketball game over being on the sideline for Nashville’s first ever NFL playoff game? 

What the hell were your parents thinking?

Either they wanted your ticket for someone else and they used the church league basketball as an excuse or they are so dogmatic in their rule application that they see no distinction between being on the sideline for an NFL playoff game and being a crappy substitute in a church league basketball game. Hell, I wouldn’t have even shown up for the basketball league if it was taking place at the same time as the game. Much less if I could have actually gone to the game. 

Your parents have some explaining to do. They need to apologize to the entire mailbag. 

“I had been dating a girl on and off for over a year now and we live in the same apartment complex. Things were coming to a close but not completely over yet. I had a good friend (or so I thought) on the sports team I play on but I always felt fishy about him. For instance he would invite whatever girl I was with at the time over to his place to drink behind my back, I would always find out through the girl.

That was some background info, heres where it gets good. A couple of days ago my “friend” was picking me up to play basketball. My roommate was at the window when he pulled up and yelled that he was here. I was walking past the window when we saw my girl hop out of his car and go into her apartment. So I wait a second then walk out to the car. We’re headed back to his place which is roughly a mile away to pick up his roommate, during the car ride I obviously confront him and get a little heated. He claimed she got snowed in at his place and had nowhere to go… obviously bull shit. We got to his place and I immediately hopped out of the car and started calling my girl to find out what was going on. She came clean on the phone about their sexual relations as I walked the mile back to my apartment in 8 inches of snow in basketball shorts. The next morning I walk outside my apartment and his car is parked outside her apartment.

This guy and I obviously aren’t friends any more but we have several classes together and we play intramural basketball together which starts this week. My question is what are my options here? Do I kick his ass? Or do I take the high road and just never talk again?”

The end result here is pretty simple — you can’t trust this guy and you can’t trust your ex-girlfriend either. At least you know that now.

If you guys share any kind of decent friends at all then all of these people will consider your friend to be an untrustworthy asshole too. He should be the guy who gets kicked off the intramural team, not you. (Quitting the intramural team because another guy on the team banged your girlfriend is a pretty wuss move, but I understand your decision.)

Sure, you could fight him, but then you’re a cliche — the dude who fights another dude over a girl. Plus, what if he kicks your ass? Then he banged your girlfriend and kicked your ass. That’s tough to recover from. 

Personally, I think you just tell him, “Dude, she’s a crazy, psycho bitch, good luck with that,” and pretend you don’t care at all. Even if, as may be the case, you quietly cry yourself to sleep at night while listening to the latest Adele album.  

Also, if it’s any consolation, while he may have a gigantic penis with which he’s presently banging your ex-girlfriend, he’s probably going to die before you. 

(Final advice, your ex-girlfriend will probably bang you again. So if you really want to get this guy back you could bang your ex-girlfriend again, thereby causing her to cheat on him too. The Bible calls this a bang for a bang, look it up, it’s in psalms).

“Love all your work. This is a more serious mailbag question… sorry. I need some life advice. Okay… my biological father and I have not seen or spoken to each other in nearly 20 years. He was not a good man to myself and my family. He left when I was 6 and the rest is history. Fast forward 19 years later. I get a friend request from my Dad on Facebook. I immediately get angry because I’ve been found and because it took him 19 years to want to have a relationship with me. I didn’t accept the request and the multiple requests sent after.

After a month of denying the friend request I get a Facebook message from him stating he has always loved me and my family. I’m pissed and I don’t respond. A few days later I get another message stating he is in bad health and alone. He says he would like to have something to do with me before he “dies”. I’m pissed because of the circumstances but I also feel guilty. I never respond. Fast forward seven months. I get a call from a family member stating my father has passed away. I had no feelings, I didn’t shed a tear. I just felt confused and I felt immense guilt because he reached out after 19 years and wanted to have a relationship. I didn’t want a relationship at the time, I never thought the guy would die 7 months later but he did. My question is… should I feel as guilty as I do that he is dead, was alone, and tried to fix a relationship that I don’t think could have been fixed? I’m in my mid 20’s and now have to live for the rest of my life with this on my shoulders and am completely lost.”

First, I’m sorry. 

Second, you have to let your guilt go. It isn’t your responsibility to reconcile the bad decisions your dad made in his life and allow him to apologize and feel better about what he did just before he dies. He left you for 19 years and then tried to make amends once he knew he was dying. That’s fine, he had the right to attempt that reconciliation, but you were under no obligation to make his life any easier or make him feel better about the decisions he made when you were young.

You read his Facebook messages so you allowed him to make his case for a final meeting, but you had no way to know that he was actually in ill health. This was a guy who walked out on your family when you were young and made no effort to contact you for 19 years; he’d always been more concerned about himself than he was you — why would you expect that to change now and for him to suddenly be truthful about his health?

I’m not sure if you went to his funeral — it doesn’t sound like you did — but I’d encourage you to go to his grave site and talk to him there. Tell him exactly what you wish you had been able to tell him over the 19 years he wasn’t with your family. Don’t hold anything back. Tell him that most of all despite the fact that he wasn’t there for you in your life you resent the fact that he can still make you feel guilty after he died. I think that experience would be cathartic for you and go a long way towards helping to ameliorate your guilt. 

Then, as challenging as it is, just him go and resolve to never be a dad like him. We don’t just learn from good examples, many of us learn what we don’t want to be as adults by looking at bad examples.

Your dad was a bad example of what a dad should be.  

Don’t be like him. 

The anonymous mailbag runs on Outkick every Tuesday. Send your questions to clay.travis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed. 

 

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.