Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday of Super Bowl week and we are live from Houston with Outkick the Coverage, my morning radio show on Sirius XM channel 83 and 240 affiliate stations nationwide. So I hope you guys are listening. This morning we had Jason Whitlock, Peter King and Alex Marvez on live and tomorow we’ve got more Whitlock, Ryan Leaf and Drew Brees all on the show live. 

I guarantee you’ll be entertained. 

And you’d better be because last night I was in my hotel room in Houston by 7 at night, put on the Bachelor, watched it solo by myself from 7-9 central and then went straight to bed so I could be up at four in the morning entertaining the country. 

That’s just what the hardest working man in sports media does. 

I’ll be on FS1 on “Speak For Yourself” today at five eastern. I’ll also be doing an Outkick Show as well, but since I’ve been doing TV on FS1 it has been hard to time out so far. 

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity assured. 

With that in mind, here we go with the anonymous mailbag from the Super Bowl. 

“Last week a few buddies and I are hanging out. Our college house has a hot tub in its backyard and it is surprisngly clean. The three of us are hanging out drinking a few beers and enjoying a soak. Now some people might jump in here in say this is slightly odd, and by odd I mean gay. I would argue sitting in a hot tub with your closest friends late at night sharing a beer is one of the least homosexual things you can do. Now to throw a curveball, I am naked. My two buddies are in swim trunks, but I am in my birthday attire. I’m 22 and entirely secure, so I don’t mind being naked. If it’s two in the morning and I’m in the privacy of my own home I’m sitting in my hot tub naked, especially if I can’t find swim trunks. Some might call this odd, and by odd once again I mean gay. Thoughts?

Anyways, we live on a street with a bit of a sketchy apartment complex. People are commonly stumbling around drunk and on hard drugs. The occasional sketchy dude rummaging around our block is no big deal. This is a pretty safe college town after all. Not on that night. Out of nowhere two people come down our driveway. These are not your average drunk folks trying to get home.

Two teenagers with their faces covered come hurling into our backyard. One is holding a pistol threatening us. The other begins looking for our possessions. There is a lot of yelling and the entire scene felt so surreal. It turns out to be the most amateur burglary ever. We are in a hot tub? We have literally nothing…1 unopened beer and a few wet towels. They have no desire to go into our house and they can’t seem to wrap their minds around the fact we don’t have anything of value in our backyard. They wave the gun around a bit more and the gunman leaves us with one final thought as they sprint away,

“You are lucky I didn’t make you faggots kiss each one another!”

What a final sentence right there.

We would have kissed each other Clay, no doubt. He had a gun! Wouldn’t have thought about it for a second. One of my buddies openly admitted he was ready to go as far as it took to get them to leave. How far would the average person be willing to go in that moment?”

I would do whatever it took not to get shot. I think most people would do the same. Short of physically harming someone else, I’d do whatever someone pointing at gun at me demanded that I do.

I wouldn’t even bat an eye at kissing another dude.

But let’s deconstruct your homophobic robber, he probably didn’t think you guys were gay or else his insult wouldn’t really be an insult. If you were robbing straight people and you found them in the hot tub and made them kiss, would that really be a punishment? Imagine this insult, “You’re lucky I didn’t make you straight people kiss those hot girls!”

It makes zero sense as an insult, right?

So the robber made the assumption you weren’t gay. Otherwise his homophobia made no sense.   

The real question here is how to you get in the hot tub and feel safe again? Do you have to bring your own gun now? Can you imagine getting in a gunfight naked in the hot tub? Moreover, if you read that a dude died in a gunfight in a hot tub and found out that guy had been in the hot tub  naked with two other dudes, you would 100% assume that guy was gay, right?

Zero doubt. 

Moreover, I think if you’re in college and you have a hot tub and everyone is drunk and you end up with three dudes in it and no girls, your night has gone horribly awry. The only reason to have a hot tub if you’re dudes is to get girls in the hot tub with you. 

And they should be naked — or at least topless — then you being naked makes total sense.

Your friends shouldn’t have been made you were naked in the hot tub, they should have been mad that their night ended without naked chicks instead.  

“I figured the best person to reach out to for this would be the mecca of morning radio, Clay Travis. Over the course of ten days, which happened to be Christmas eve to January 3rd 2016. I found out that my wife (who is a total smoke show) was sleeping with a married man who was just released from jail for stalking his first affair (my wife was his 3rd affair) and actually got his wife pregnant for the 3rd time while he was with my wife (I got tested, disease free). 

The night before we got married I met my wife, then fiancee for a drink at the hotel bar. She hands me a gift bag and I pull out a photo album. She went and had a boudoir photo session done.  

Our divorce is almost finalized and I really believe that she totally forgot that she did this for me. I’m over here with a photo album as well as a CD of the whole shoot.

What’s my play going forward with this? Obviously these won’t be hitting the web, but do I show my friends these photos? What about when the time comes for a relationship? Do I keep them hidden from any future girlfriend?”

I think you 100% show your buddies these photos at your first big gathering to celebrate your divorce. Some people might call this petty and argue against it, I disagree. In the grand scheme of things your wife fired a tank at you, here you’re just returning fire with a water gun.

(Also, is it too much to ask that your wife have better taste in who she has an affair with? A dude just out of jail? Wouldn’t it have made you feel somewhat better if it were at least a really successful dude?) 

Don’t put the photos online though because you don’t want to get sued.

You keep the photos and continue to tearfully masturbate to them until you get into a serious relationship. (I define a “serious relationship” as someone that you are dating that you think you might be willing to marry.) Once you reach that point I think you have to destroy them. Because I don’t think there’s any second wife that would be comfortable with a husband having naked photos of his first wife.    

“A friend of mine was recently on a trip to San Francisco. He was paying his bar tab and the bartender noticed the American flag on his credit card. (You know one of the free choices you get to decide between a puppy, a sunset or the flag.) Bartender warns him that this may be mistaken as signal of Trump support. Bartender then asks where my friend is from. He responds that he’s from Texas. Barkeep instructed my friend to keep that on the down low as well so as to not trigger people over Trump. Is this seriously where we are right now? How does this get fixed? If Trump wins again in 4 years does California secede from the US? If it does do other states follow and can they take Chicago with it? (We both grew up in semi suburban downstate Illinois that voted 3-1 Trump over Hilldog).

Looking for the geopolitical opinion of a semi-successful gay Muslim sports radio host.”

I honestly have no idea what is going on in the world right now. 

Look, snowflakes, some people voted for a different president than you did. But guess what, he’s the president, deal with it.

I think I’m uniquely qualified to talk about this because I worked on Al Gore’s 2000 presidential campaign. I was absolutely crushed when George W. Bush snuck his way into the White House in 2000. I still believe that but for a butterfly ballot in Palm Beach County that confused a ton of old people, Al Gore would have won both the popular vote and the electoral college. Hell, I think that would have happened if they’d kept counting votes in Florida instead of the Supreme Court issuing that absurd opinion in Bush v. Gore. 

So if I was able to handle the guy I actually worked for losing an election that I think he actually won, don’t you think that all these pathetic snowflakes who didn’t even bother to vote on election day should be able to fucking deal with Donald Trump winning the election? Trump won, period. There’s no argument to suggest he didn’t win the electoral college vote. You don’t see Alabama fans protesting the victory parade of Clemson fans.

In four years Democrats get a chance to win again, that’s the great thing about a democracy. So stop being a bunch of pussies and start trying to win the next election. Because all you’re doing by continuing to whine and complain and protest is make it more likely that Trump wins in 2020.

See, what left wingers don’t realize is that the reason Trump won isn’t because racists came out and voted for him, it’s because middle of the road voters in Michigan, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin flipped from voting for Obama in 2012 to Trump in 2016. Why did they do it? Because the left wing alienated them by calling them racist and sexist and deplorable.  

Here’s Bill Maher doing a great job of eviscerating these loser Democrats. 

This @billmaher essay on Democrats being pussies is phenomenal. Watch it. #dbap https://t.co/igu7HK8K7N

— Clay Travis (@ClayTravis) January 28, 2017

“My friends and I have a serious debate we can’t seem to settle and who better to ask than the almighty gay Muslim himself, Mr. Clay Travis. (Who by the way is in some deep shit concerning the recent law banning him from our country.) I have two friends in their early 20’s who really like to party. Completely normal right? Well, the problem is one of them (6’3” 320lbs) always likes to get naked when he gets really drunk. It’s not just the fact that he strips down, which is bad enough in itself, but he loves to “advertise” himself once his clothes are off. Now here is the part where our second friend comes in the story. Every time our friend gets naked, our other buddy seems to always come away with great pictures/videos. Now these aren’t just any ole measly pictures. We’re talking about up in your business kind of stuff. This has happened on multiple occasions raising the question we can’t seem to come to a conclusion on. What is worse, running around loud and proud in the nude or being the guy that gets way too close and personal to capture such a moment? Please keep this anonymous as both friends are avid outkick readers.

P.S. Friend one is not what we would call a Steve McNair either.

Here are some of our friends pictures/videos to to really emphasize what I mean…”

Gotta love anonymous mailbag readers. Nothing better than emailed photos of fat, naked drunk guys. Also, how come it’s never hot chicks who get naked and take off all their clothes and run around? It’s always fat dudes. (And how come nobody emails photos of hot chicks?) 

Anyway, I think your buddy who is documenting the nudity up close is worse than your buddy who gets naked. But I do think they might be connected as well. Is your naked friend possibly acting out only because he knows the other friend will document his nudity in an hysterical fashion?

Also, what does your buddy do with these naked photos? Other than maybe watching them a few times, is there really value in keeping these?  

“Long time reader here and I’ve noticed a couple trends for a while now. Every single time a man writes to the mailbag about his girlfriend, fiancee, wife, etc, she is always “smoking hot” or a “10” blah blah blah. Now I’m married to a beautiful woman, but I’m also a realist. My wife wouldn’t be viewed as a 10 by most males and that’s okay. Very few females on earth would.

I’ve also noticed that anytime someone relatively young mentions their income, they make 200k or 300k a year. As you can see in my signature, I’m a PharmD. My wife also works in the medical field, so we aren’t poor, but we don’t quite make 200k a year, and we are easily in the top 5% of couples for our age (both less than 30). So my question or questions are how many of these people do you think are telling the truth, and how many are Bama fans living in a house trailer with their hideous wives? It’s just really hard for me to believe that all your followers are business owners, lawyers, doctors etc. that are married to Kate Upton lookalikes.”

First, I think men overvalue the objective attractiveness of their mates because they are in love with them. This is great news for women who obsess over every physical flaw. Your husband or boyfriend likely finds you very attractive and notices your flaws way less than you do. So I think many men who wouldn’t be considered to have an objectively smoking hot wife, fiancee or girlfriend believe that they do subjectively have a smoking hot wife, fiancee or girlfriend. 

As for income, I don’t know, I suspect you’re just noticing the people who mention that they have money and not noticing all the people who say they don’t. Because we have a ton of finance questions from people who are trying to make financial decisions. Whether it’s private school or kids or renting vs. buying a home, you name it.

Having said that, as a general rule — and much to the chagrin of Outkick haters — our Outkick audience tends to be young, well educated and make a good living. That corresponds with the people I meet out in public as well. There are a ton of doctors, lawyers and successful businessmen reading Outkick and listening to our live Facebook and Periscope shows and our podcasts. 

Now we have a ton of college kids too — and high school kids and grandparents as well — but there’s zero doubt that our audience, on average, skews young and affluent. 

And if you think about it, this makes total sense, right? The anonymous mailbag is outstanding, but it’s going to skew to an intelligent readership because would someone with average intelligence even be able to follow Outkick articles that well? I don’t know what grade level Outkick writes on, but I bet it would test pretty high relative to most online sites.

Plus, don’t forget that my first audience was lawyers. When I started writing online everyone reading Outkick knew me. Our site spread via word of mouth through law firms and through my other friends and associates, many of whom were in grad school or college to begin with. So we’re still overpopulated in those professions. 

Having said all of this, I have no idea whether the people saying they are rich and have hot wives are actually rich and have hot wives. But I will say I have met an awful lot of Outkick readers who appear to be doing well financially and have hot wives, girlfriends or fiancees.  

Let me close with this question, how many average looking dudes go to Southern colleges and end up with smoking hot wives from those schools? A ton, right? Hell, that’s the entire purpose of the site’s name. So I don’t think it’s that uncommon of an occurrence.

After all, what’s the single best predictive factor for a guy having a hot wife? Money.  

“My girlfriend’s parents split because her dad discovered he was gay. One time I playfully joked with her about being gay via text. I learned something that day: don’t directly joke that you’re gay to your girlfriend if her parents divorced because her dad found out he’s gay.”

You had to learn after making this joke?!

Hey, idiot, if your girlfriend’s dad decided he was gay and ended the marriage with her mom, what do you think this girl’s number one fear is? That she’s going to marry a gay dude too.

So she’s probably not going to think your playful joke about being gay is that fun. 

Put it this way, if your girlfriend’s dad got kidnapped by terrorists and decapitated would you jokingly text her that you were going to be late for dinner because you got kidnapped by terrorists?

Probably not.

Use your brain, man!

(And, for the record, I would like to apologize to all women whose boyfriends, husbands, and fiance’s will not, unfortunately, use their brains this week, month, and year. Which is pretty much all of them.) 

…

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity assured.

And, as always, thank you guys for supporting Outkick.