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Anonymous Mailbag

Charlotte McKinney, Kliff Kingsbury

It’s Tuesday and time for Outkick the Coverage’s anonymous mailbag. 

As always you can send your mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com and I’ll guarantee your anonymity forever. 

Before we get started, a reminder that Outkick presently has the best sports talk morning show in the country and we air now on SiriusXM channel 83. 

On to the mailbag:

“So I’m currently engaged and set to be married soon. My fiancee is extremely hot with possibly the best ass on earth. However, there is this girl from work that is an absolute bombshell and has stated that we should do something before I am married. Should I do it before I am married and get it out of my system or would having sex with this girl cause issues with feelings and all that crap?”

PSA for all the soon to be married guys — and girls — out there: Banging another girl before you get married is not going to “get it out of your system.”

It’s just going to make you more likely to bang another girl the next time this situation arises because you’ll feel less guilty after the first time.

As a practical matter, I really don’t think there’s much distinction between banging her before or after you’re married, either way you’re cheating. And if you’re willing to cheat before your marriage, you’ll be willing to cheat after your marriage too.

Naive guys think this isn’t true, but it is. You’re not going to just magically stop wanting to bang other girls once you’re married. You’re going to have the exact same desires that you have as a single guy.  

“Big debate my buddies and I we all have when we are drunk/high. It always goes unsettled, but then we realized that you would be the perfect person to provide some good insight. How much would the average, middle class, male have to get paid to give another man a BJ? Obviously there are many stipulations here, how long do you go? does he finish? do you know him? But on the surface, how much would it take? My theory is that if you went up to most men with a briefcase of 500k in cash, they would do most anything so long as it wasn’t a crime. But can the amount go lower? Are we gay for even having this discussion? I feel like all men should be ready if this crazy scenario ever were to happen.”

This is a bar debate that I think virtually every guy has had at some point with his buddies. 

And I’ve actually thought a ton about the blow job question. Just in case some gay billionaire approaches me one day and says, “Okay, I’m a huge fan of Outkick and I want you to blow me, what’s it going to cost me?”

And I think this answer is entirely salary determinant, because everyone has different incomes. 

That’s why I believe every straight man should be willing to give a single blow job to completion for somewhere between 5 to 10x your yearly salary. Certainly you can take less money than five times your salary, but I think any man who wouldn’t blow another man for 5 to 10x your yearly salary is a liar or a fool, probably both.  

Now there are some dudes who claim that there is no amount of money possible that would lead them to blow another man — you might even have one of these friends — but I think every guy who says this is actually gay and trying to hide it by seeming super straight. 

I mean, if you consider that just about every woman and all gay men will give a blow job for free at some point in their lives, it’s crazy to act like this is that awful of a thing to do. There are tons of things I would less rather do than blow a dude. For instance, would I rather practice law full time for the next five years or blow a dude for 15 minutes? No contest, I’m blowing the dude.! I mean, think about this, if you practice law for five years straight you’re basically jerking off clients all day long every day.

And I can blow one dude for 15 minutes and be done with it for five years?

Sign me up.  

Think about how many people hate their jobs. You’re telling me you wouldn’t blow a guy to not have to work for five or ten years? Come on, I have an umblemished record of heterosexuality and I would suck a dick in a heartbeat for that trade. Especially if you put the cash in front of me or gave me a dumptruck filled with cash and the keys to drive away.

I’d be the happiest dick sucker alive.  

And if you’re worried about being gay if you suck a dick, isn’t it gayer to get your dick sucked than to suck a dick? I think it definitely is. You can suck a dick and hate every minute of it; if you doubt me look at your wife or girlfriend the next time she’s blowing you. (In fact, do you know why the bride’s smiling when she walks down the aisle? Because she just sucked her last dick). But in order to get your dick sucked — assuming we aren’t going limp noodle here — you have to get aroused by it.

No contest.

So I think the easy answer is 5 to 10x your yearly salary, but I wouldn’t judge you for doing it for less. Unless it’s $10k or less. Then, not that there’s anything wrong with it, but you’re probably gay.    

“My husband and I are both in our early 30’s, no kids and have full-time jobs. He travels for business about 4 days a week and so the time we get to spend together is limited. Last week he gets home from a business trip and and I am excited to see him and pretty much throw myself at him. He proceeds to tell me that he is “tired” and just wants to “read his book”. Needless to say, I get upset, turn over, go to sleep and am still upset about it days after with questions running through my head. This also isn’t the first time this has happened (it isn’t a rampant thing but maybe twice before). My question is, is this normal? Am I the weird one for getting upset? Have you ever denied your wife as she was throwing herself at you? It should also be noted that I never pulled the “headache” or “tired” card with him (this excludes times of excessive drinking or actually being sick). I am of the firm belief that it is just better to do it than not. Anyways, an outside male perspective on this would be greatly appreciated.

I have never turned down sex from my wife and I am betting most men would answer the same way. 

Every now and then I have even thought, “I’m going to prove a point of how little sex we’re having right now and when she’s willing to have sex with me I’m not going to do it to teach her a lesson.” And do you know what happens? I surrender faster than the French in World War II the moment she wants to have sex. 

And odds are my wife hasn’t even noticed that we haven’t had sex in a while which is just a position of power I can’t attack. 

So I think you have a right to be upset and, moreover, I think you have a right to wonder if something else is going on here. Most men who go on the road for work return more ready for sex than ever before.

Your husband came back home and wanted to read a book instead of bang you. That’s not normal guy behavior. So something else might be going on here. Is he banging someone else on his out of town trips? I’d directly question him about it.

Who knows, maybe you’re totally overreacting and you just married a gay guy. (Side note, this is every woman’s secret worst fear. If you don’t believe it, bring it up sometime with a woman. She’ll confess it immediately.) 

“What is your view on complimenting your friends wife’s looks? Or is it a no fly zone? I ask because I saw my friends wife at an event and she looked quite spicy. I was thinking about telling my friend that ‘___ was there and she looked great’ thinking that it might get him some sugar if he passed it on to her but then thought that it might be taken the wrong way by all parties and could get back to my wife which would be a headache etc.”

You can’t compliment an individual friend’s wife on how hot she looks without sounding creepy, so you shouldn’t do it.

If a guy has a hot wife he knows he has a hot wife, he doesn’t need to hear it from his buddy.

Now, clearly, before a relationship begins or in the early stages of a relationship you have an obligation to analyze the relative hotness of your friend’s girlfriend, job status and future prospects and compare to his other options? Can he do better? Should he do better?

You can analyze this in rigorous detail. But once they become serious it’s no fly zone to comment on anyone’s hotness except for every single one of her friends, all of whom you should be trying to bang.

Obviously, in the event your buddy breaks up with his serious girlfriend or gets divorced, you never found her that attractive and always thought he could do better. This is just common sense.   

Now, clear exception to the rule, you may always, and should be encouraged to do so, compliment the overall attractiveness of a group of women. For instance, if you’re headed out to a social event with a group of guys and girls it is perfectly acceptable to compliment all of the women on how hot they collectively look. Example, “Damn, how much did we all outkick our coverage? Y’all look incredible.” But leave it at that, don’t drill it down and say, “Especially you (insert wife here) your cleavage/ass/legs look incredible!”

That’s creepy. 

Boom, I just saved everyone out there oodles of social awkwardness. 

“Help! I am engaged to a smoking hot woman who is also amazing in bed. Pretty much no holds barred sex – lots of unsolicited blowjobs, sex in public places, toys, ropes, cameras, some butt stuff, etc.  Everything except inviting other people to join. Honestly, I didn’t think a single woman like this existed in real life.  

Here’s the problem – the priest who is helping us with our marriage preparation asked us if we are sexually active, and after fessing up, he told us to wait until our wedding night. Since my fiancee and I have both been married before, had kids, are both grown-ass 40 year olds who for our first two years together savored a good roll in the hay as often as possible, I told her that I had no problem telling the priest this and confessing to our activity in our monthly meetings.  

She disagrees. We have not had sex since early November and our wedding is still 6 months away! Not even birthday sex, Clay. Since I respect her and I respect my religion, I have not complained about this except for the first month before I knew how serious she was. But when I ask her how she is managing to not have a libido anymore she just says, “I don’t even think about it.”

The few guys that I have confided in about the no sex thing have said, “Oh, that sounds like marriage!” Even though we are madly in love, I am worried that things will never be the same again.  

So Clay – since your (had to do it) a gay Muslim relationship counselor, who now has added misogynistic and racist credentials – I ask you to weigh in on this situation.  

Will I get my wild sexual hellcat back after marriage? Is there a way to get the wild sexual hellcat back before waiting another 6 months? Or am I going to have to wait until summer and then grovel for occasional sex for the rest of my life?”

So basically you found a sexual unicorn and then the priest just came up with the biggest cockblock of all time. 

What kind of minister even assumes that a divorced couple with kids wouldn’t be sleeping together before marriage? Do people actually do this? That sounds awful. Hello, you’re both clearly not virgins if you have both have kids and have been married before. And you’ve already broken your marital vows by getting divorced. 

This seems absurd to me.

I’d sit down with my fiancee and point out how absurd the application of this no sex rule is. If she doesn’t see how absurd it is then I’d honestly be worried about the future relationship, not related to sex, but just about life in general.

Further, if she was willing to have sex with you before you got engaged, what is it about getting engaged that has changed things in her mind? This is just really strange thinking.  

Finally, I have no idea if you’ll get your wild sex-crazed fiancee back after marriage, but I might kill the minister here. I mean, I wouldn’t do it so people knew I did it, but if the brakes on the minister’s car suddenly stop working when he was on a steep hill and you end up with a really liberal minister who encourages sex before marriage for divorced couples, would it be the worst thing that could happen?

“I feel like its safe to say that Bill Belichick and Nick Saban are cut from the same cloth in terms of their coaching discipline and attention to every detail.  That being said, do you think they take that same approach in the bedroom?  Could they constantly be watching tape of themselves thinking “damn at the 2 minute mark I am thrusting too fast, need to slow it down” Or is this the one area they just let loose and its a free for all.  There is no way you can be that tightly wound in every aspect of your life right?”

Every single person reading this right now would rather I have Terry Saban on Outkick and ask about Nick Saban’s style as a lover than have Nick Saban on Outkick and talk about football.  

I don’t think Saban and Belichick have much sex because I think their schedules are so regimented that they would see it as a waste of time. 

I mean, Nick Saban eats the same thing for lunch every day because it saves him time. My guess is that Saban has sex scheduled on a monthly basis with Miss Terry from 11 to 11:09 on the second Tuesday of every month.

No way they critique their sexual behavior by breaking down film, but I guarantee you that Belichick has the Patriots measuring dicks at the combine and has somehow worked it into his overall player value rankings.

And I bet Nick Saban has perfected sex too. Guarantee you he can make any woman orgasm with like four pumps.  

Let’s talk about head coaches masturbating for a minute. Like which SEC coach do you think jerks off the most? Gotta be Bret Bielema, right? Do you think Jim Harbaugh has ever squeezed his penis too hard and bruised himself? Zero doubt. 

I enjoy thinking about this for presidents too. Which president do you think jerked off the most often in the White House? Secondary question, do you think there’s any corollary between the jerk off rankings and how good of a president they were? Third question, has a secret service agent ever walked in on a president jerking off? If so, would it make that secret service agent more or less likely to vote for the president? Fourth question, why can’t we have an anonymous mailbag with only answers from secret service agents? 

I would also love to see presidents ranked based on their penis size and see how they governed. What if it came out that the only unifying trait among presidents was dick size? What if Republicans had huge penises and Democrats had tiny penises or vice versa?

Would be revolutionary information.

Same with NFL quarterbacks. Everyone’s running around trying to figure out why some quarterbacks win and others don’t and what if every quarterback that has won the Super Bowl had the exact same dick size?

Could be the missing link.

I’m just saying, if you measure every other body part at the NFL Combine don’t you have to measure penises too? 

“I had a thought as I was walking through the parking lot at my government job this morning…

You and I both are in agreement that the #womensmarch had no real basis, because women in America have the same rights and freedoms as every other person in America. The right wing has done a very good job of exploiting this fact as well. The march was pretty fucking pointless (except for filling the marcher’s Instagram with new selfies).

I had an epiphany walking in to work when I saw stickers on cars that say things like “Legalize Freedom”, “Proud Supporter of the 2nd Amendment”, “Obama is killing the Constitution” These were on cars of the same people making fun of the women’s march for not having any real basis or meaning… But I thought that gun sales are at an all time high, the 2nd Amendment isn’t going any where and I am not aware of anything Obama did to kill the constitution.

Is this not a classic case of the pot calling the kettle black? Both groups are fervently arguing for rights that they already have and that no one is trying to take away.”

I suppose the gun people could distinguish their position by arguing that their rights are specifically enumerated in the Constitution, but there’s zero doubt that there are tremendous sums of money to be made in scaring people into believing that their “rights” are going to be taken. 

Both the right and left wings in this country are filled with hypocritical idiots when it comes to this issue.

Moreover, you’ve hit on a key point here — if you have a bumper sticker addressing anything in politics you look like an idiot.

Has anyone ever been like, “You know what, I wasn’t sure what I thought about abortion, but then I saw the bumper of Aunt Susie’s 1996 Suburu Outback and I saw the light.”

… 

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to clay.travis@gmail.com, anonymity assured. 

Written by Clay Travis

Clay Travis is an author, radio show host, lawyer, TV analyst, and the founder of OutKick (formerly known as Outkick the Coverage).
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