Anonymous Mailbag

Charlotte McKinney, Kliff Kingsbury

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag. You can have your question included in the anonymous mailbag by emailing clay.travis@gmail.com. I guarantee total anonymity and I’m the only person who ever sees them.

Thanks to you guys for making Outkick the Show a tremendous early success. If you aren’t watching or listening, here is yesterday’s show.  

Outkick to Show: Titans hate all of us.

Posted by Clay Travis on Monday, January 18, 2016

Okay, here we go:

“Forget about football. That’s boring when discussing these two guys. I want your opinion on something that actually matters- Who is better looking: Tom Brady or Cam Newton? Now, I know they both have two completely different styles and appeal to different generations, but if the American people were to vote on this, who comes out the victor and why?

I am also of the opinion that as a straight male, I automatically assume you are homosexual if you cannot admit how good looking these guys are.” 

If the American people were voting Tom Brady would win. 

That’s because a lot of people in the American public are racist and wouldn’t vote a hot black guy as hotter than a hot white guy. (Incidentally, I don’t understand why that’s true. My penis not racist. I have always been attracted to girls of every race, ethnicity and religion. How is every guy not this way?) 

But if this were a purely objective analysis of hotness, I think it would be nearly a tie. Both guys are basically perfect. 

In fact, here are my power rankings for hottest starting quarterbacks in the NFL who made the playoffs this year. This list is based entirely on physical appearance:

1. Tom Brady

2. Cam Newton

3. Russell Wilson

4. Aaron Rodgers

5. AJ McCarron

6. Alex Smith  

7. Kirk Cousins

8. Carson Palmer

9. Teddy Bridgewater

10. Brian Hoyer

11. Peyton Manning

12. Ben Roethlisberger

Tell me this list isn’t perfect. 

If we had the bang an NFL quarterback in the playoffs draft, this is a flawless list. I’m 100% convinced this is exactly where these guys would come off the board if an NFL playoffs bangability draft was happening.  

Now, sure, we could quibble with the middle rounds, maybe you’re more of a Teddy Bridgewater guy than an Alex Smith guy, okay, I get it, — you’d be wrong, but I can see your argument there, those dimples! — but the top and bottom of this list is irrefutable, right?

I definitely have to rank the top 32 NFL quarterbacks by hotness. The PC bros will lose their minds to see me objectifying men too. 

“Yesterday you got called a “failed lawyer” by another media member. That’s akin to calling Michael Burry a failed doctor.

That’s my “hot take” one liner response. My serious question is when did smart people deciding to do something else become failing? Why is that some sort of insult? Yes, I’m sure John Grisham really pines for the days of general practice law in nowheresville, MS.”

People come at me with the failed lawyer line all the time on Twitter. 

It’s laughable. 

Once you graduate from law school remaining a lawyer is the easiest possible career move. The only way you “fail” as a lawyer is if you get disbarred. And it’s pretty damn hard to get disbarred. It’s nearly impossible to “fail” as a lawyer.

It’s infinitely harder — and more competitive — to make a living writing and talking about sports than it is to make a living practicing law. I got paid really well to practice law the moment I graduated as a 25 year old. It took me years of grinding to make a living doing what I do now. Which would have been easier, continuing down the guaranteed income path as a lawyer or taking a chance on this?    

The other thing is — and every lawyer knows this — the moment you start practicing law just about every lawyer is trying to find a way not to practice law and do whatever he or she really likes for a living. Being a lawyer is unique in this respect, how many other highly trained professionals spend years training for a job that they don’t really like and are immediately trying to find a way not to practice law?

Do doctors or architects or dentists graduate and immediately stop trying to do what they went to school for seven years or more to do for a living? I don’t think so. 

Anyway, my theory on Twitter is that it’s like a prison yard, every now and then you have to shiv somebody to prove you can’t be messed with. Yesterday I murdered several dudes on Twitter. I hope you enjoyed the performance art.  

“As a husband and father of two very young boys, I have seen my time to myself erode very rapidly. I can no longer just run to the bedroom real quick to “take care of myself.” Of course now that we have young kids my wife is never in the mood and I have needs that have to be met. She also greatly disapproves of me watching porn without her. I usually retreat to the bathroom to take care of those needs.

I need to figure out how to not arouse suspicion.

When I’m “on the toilet, ” how many courtesy flushes can I get away with before it seems like over kill? Also, what about the lack of smell? I’ve been known to blowout the bathroom on many occasions but with no real deuce comes no real smell. That’s tough to replicate. What kind of advice can you give me so that I can sit on the toilet and masturbate without arousing suspicion?”

This is what being married with kids does to men. 

You send emails to a dude you don’t know seeking advice to questions like this: “What kind of advice can you give me so that I can sit on the toilet and masturbate without arousing suspicion?”

And all you single dudes or married guys without kids are laughing thinking, “Holy shit, I’m never going to be the guy trying to find out ways to secretly masturbate in my house one day.”

And all of you are wrong.

Do it in the shower with shampoo as lube. Or wait until your wife goes to sleep — after declining your sexual advances — and leave the bedroom to jerk off in peace like a gentleman.  

“Love the Anonymous Mailbag; best idea on the Internet and the only place I feel I can go to for help right now.  I’m 33, married to my wife of nearly 12 years, with three young children. Recently I’m about 100% certain that I would cheat on my wife if the opportunity presented itself.  Let’s rewind a bit to college.  Girl “A” (who would become my wife) and I had been in a relationship for several years. This was before Outkick was giving out sage advice on not dating one person in college…seriously kids, don’t do it; it’s a mistake you’ll regret. However, throughout college, Girl “B” (who was and remains a hard 10 by the way) and I have something between us. We (sadly) never did anything outside the realm of friends b/c I was always dating “A” but I’m nearly positive it could’ve led to some pretty mind-blowing sex if I had pursued it with “B.” All the signs were there that she was really into me.

Fast forward over a decade. “B” and I will sometimes go years without any contact; right now we get to see each other occasionally. Every time we are together it’s like nothing has ever changed. She’s been married and divorced and I’ve got my family, but that same chemistry that existed in college is still there. Maybe it’s just her personality, but I’m fairly certain she flirts with me…a lot. At this point I should also add that my wife and I are basically just roommates now. The sex, which was never good (2 times per week even without kids would’ve been a dream of mine; our honeymoon was a tremendous letdown too) has basically dried up. She’s made it clear that she’s just not that into sex, while I most certainly am. She’s definitely not a lesbian either. Nor has she shown any interest in trying new things in bed. She just says she doesn’t need sex, and about twice a month is pretty much our average right now.

So I think I’m genuinely depressed at the fact that somehow at 33 I’m essentially in a sexless marriage; the thought of going the rest of my life like this is almost too much for me to take. If “B” showed any interest in an affair when we see each other, I know I would go for it (which is not the person I thought I was by the way). So I know this is a bit long-winded for an Anonymous Mailbag question, but I definitely can’t tell anyone else. My questions are, first, what do I do? I don’t even know if I would be interested in seeking counseling with my wife to help things. Second, how many other middle aged men have stuff like this going on?  Surely I’m not the only one…”

How many married men would like no strings attached sex with a hot woman who isn’t their wife?

All of them. 

Yes, even Tom Brady who is married to Gisele. And your husband too, ladies. Even though he’s going to lie to you later and say that Clay Travis is just making things up when you ask him about this question. 

But this isn’t no strings attached sex — there are lots of strings attached here. First, your wife only having sex with you twice a month is pretty absurd. That’s once every other week. If I were a marital counselor my advice to women would be simple — FUCK YOUR HUSBANDS MORE! It would seriously solve so many marital issues. If your wife slept with you three times a week I think the temptation of this other woman would lessen. It wouldn’t disappear, but it would lessen.

I’m more concerned with the fact that you and your wife are “basically just roommates now.” If you’re only having sex twice a month my guess is other things in your relationship aren’t great either. So the lack of sex is a symptom of the larger issues at play rather than the issue itself. Maybe counseling would help, but you say you don’t even want to go to counseling.

And there are three kids at play here too. You’re only 33 so your kids have to be young, all ten or less. My view on kids, especially multiple kids, is once you have them you can’t bail. I’ve told my wife that she might leave me one day, but I’m not leaving her. To me having kids is like being pinned down in a foxhole with bullets whizzing past you at every moment. Sure, everything’s not perfect, but I’m not willing to pull the grenade clip and blow us both up.   

Which leads us to a larger question you need to answer: do you want a divorce? Because what will your wife do if she finds out you’re having an affair with someone else? This isn’t casual sex, this is a real affair. Like, you’ll be sending roses to your mistress, sex. Like, you’ll be saying, “I love you,” to your mistress sex. You’ve known this woman since college. (Does your wife know her too?) You aren’t going to sleep together and then have casual sex every month for the next few years. This is another entire relationship.

You have three options: 1. Do nothing and maintain the status quo. 2. Discuss with your wife the fact that since she isn’t interested in sex with you, you want an open marriage to pursue discreet sex with other women. (Good luck with that suggestion). 3. Bona fide affair (potentially ending in divorce). 

We don’t make decisions here, but it sounds like what you want isn’t just new sex, it’s a new wife. Make sure you know what’s at stake here.    

“I can’t recall if you’ve addressed this particular topic. If you haven’t, great. If not, you need to get the message out again. So, I’m flying back to Gainesville, I have a layover in the Atlanta airport, and need to dump. I go to the restroom across from my gate, all stalls are occupied because there are various noises coming from every single one. So, I wait for an empty stall, boom, one opens up. It is at this moment that I realize the gaps between the stall door and frame are massive. We’re talking nearly two inches on either side of the door is out and open for viewing. Brings up a question: Why the hell do people make stalls like these? But, I digress.

So I sit down, start doing my business, while I’m sitting there reading my phone. At some point I look up and make solid eye contact (at least 3 seconds) with this dude who is STARING DEEP INTO MY EYES while I deuce. Now, I like to think I have a reasonable outlook. There are these kind of stall designs, you go through the restroom, quick short glances into stalls are normal. Like the turn of the head’s equivalent to the blink of an eye. Nothing lingering, just boom, quick, done. No, this was different. I broke eye contact by shifting on the seat so that the door blocked any view of this guy. And I thought, “That was weird, no that was creepy.” Few minutes later I shift again and the guy is not only STILL standing in the exact same spot, he turns and stares at me again. I did the only reasonable thing I could think of, wait until some other guy left his stall so that the Shit Starer would go to that one before I left and experienced the awkwardness of that guy watching me wipe my ass.

Please tell me I’m not crazy in thinking this violates men’s restroom etiquette. Is this not on par with another guy opting for the urinal right next to you, when there are plenty of other urinals around? Are there dudes who have an ass-wipe fetish?”

This is really weird. 

That guy is clearly a psychopath. 

Just be glad he didn’t kidnap you and end up wearing your skin. 

“Is there a good way to help get your wife to lose a little weight? My wife isn’t fat but she’s put on a few pounds and constantly talks about needing to lose weight, but won’t do anything about it. I love her no matter what but agree she could drop a few pounds. Now that makes me a dick in every woman’s eyes. How do I proceed?” 

The next time she brings it up, respond: “You know what, I think we’ve both put on a little weight over the holidays. Let’s start going to the gym together and try to eat a little bit healthier. I like you exactly the way you are, but I think we’ll both feel better.”

Even if you haven’t put on weight, say that you have. If you want to really play it up you can claim you’ve been feeling really tired lately and believe exercise will give you more energy.

Good luck.

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to clay.travis@gmail.com 

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.