It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag.
As always you can email me at email@example.com and I guarantee your anonymity.
With that in mind, here we go.
“Hey Clay, my friends and I have recently come into a theoretical discussion that we couldn’t find a definitive answer to. It all started when three twenty year old guys watched the movie Bad Moms together (probably the lowest point in all of our lives.) In this movie, Mila Kunis catches her husband watching some girl strip for him on one of those live video chat websites. She immediately becomes enraged and kicks him out of the house.
Now I am in no way advocating married guys to have relationships with strange women on the internet, but it does seem odd that some women are cool with their husbands watching porn and in some cases even going to a strip club. So this sparks our highly contested debate of, “Why is it more socially acceptable to go to a strip club and watch porn than having a woman perform a strip tease via the internet?”
I think we’ve all heard stories about how far some strippers will go for that extra dollar, so in terms of infidelity, the virtual nature of this stripping is far less risky. So, unless you have some weird personal relationship with this internet stripper, it shouldn’t be any weirder right?”
This is a fantastic question.
As the King Solomon of the Internet I would rank these vices thusly from the least troubling to the most troubling:
1. Watch porn
This is a non-issue. If you are married to a woman who is offended that you watch porn, odds are your wife is an overly controlling loser with no comprehension of what actual men are like. Every man alive under the age of 45 with a functional penis, gay or straight, watches porn and jerks off to it.
In fact, if your husband isn’t watching porn and jerking off to it you should be concerned because odds are he’s into some really freaky secret shit.
2. Strip club
I understand why some women are opposed to the strip club, but I think that’s overly controlling as well. Odds are your husband or your boyfriend and his buddies have a better chance of having sex with girls going out to the regular bar than they do going out to the strip club. So if it’s cheating you’re afraid of, the strip club is one of the safer places they can probably go. Especially if it’s a bachelor party.
You should want them in a strip club instead of out on the town roving from one bar to another.
Now I mean going to the strip club in a social setting, not in the “I go to the strip club every day and just hang out by myself in my hometown” type setting.
You can’t go to the strip club by yourself in your hometown. (It’s still weird to do on the road, but at least you’re somewhere different and have an excuse for being by yourself.) If your husband or your boyfriend is going to the strip club by himself in his hometown, your relationship probably has issues and you’re right to be concerned. That’s not normal behavior. It doesn’t mean something’s wrong, but put it this way, if you said to your husband or boyfriend, “Who’d you go to the strip club with?” And he said, “Nobody, just by myself,” wouldn’t you think that was much weirder than if he named his friends?
If your husband is going to the strip club as part of a larger group or a bachelor party, I see zero issues with this.
3. Webcam girl.
I see your argument here, but I also see the Mila Kunis argument in that movie that you guys all watched together because you’ve decided your penises lives don’t matter.
I’ve never done a webcam — seriously, I’d tell you guys if I had — but the webcam girl feels much closer to a relationship to me. First, it’s live and it’s a real girl and it’s probably taking place under your roof in your actual house. And you’re asking for her to do specific things as a way to enhance your sexual gratification.
If your husband is watching porn it’s totally a one-way relationship, there is no interaction and there’s proably no way he’s ever going to meet or interact with the girl. It’s purely fantasy.
Second, as mentioned above, you’re requesting specific things during the webcam performance. If you’re in a strip club, unless it’s a really freaky and/or high end strip club that also doubles as a brothel, your boyfriend or husband probably isn’t giving specific instructions during the lap dance. And if he is, the stripper probably isn’t listening and she’s just doing her normal lap dance routine.
Similarly, the strip club experience, for most guys, takes place only within the walls of a strip club. You don’t leave the strip club with a stripper and go have breakfast and then hit the gym later for some Pilates. I’m sure most women don’t like the idea of other naked women grinding on their husbands, but it’s something that is typically confined to the physical structure itself. That is, you go to the strip club to go to the strip club and then you leave that life behind when you’re not there.
If you’re watching a webcam girl you are interacting live with another woman for your sexual gratification and it’s taking place, probably, inside your home address. That seems much closer to getting a Snap from a girl or naked pictures or having a raunchy FaceTime session than watching a porn or getting a lap dance in a strip club.
I think just about every woman reading this right now, would rather her husband get a lap dance in a strip club than get nude photos sent to him from another woman. That’s even though one has physical contact involved and the other doesn’t. Why is that? Because there’s an intimacy in getting those photos that seems much more akin to an actual relationship than watching porn or getting a lap dance in a strip club. And that photo relationship can grow, whereas the porn and strip club relationship is unlikely to advance any farther at all.
I wouldn’t consider watching a webcam girl to be cheating, but I would consider it a step further than watching porn or going to a strip club. So I can understand how a wife or girlfriend could be fine with porn and strip clubs and not fine with webcam girls.
“Settle a weekend debate between me, my wife, and a married couple we are friends with. For context, both marriages are 10+ years.
If you could go back in time to see your spouse when they were 18-24 and prove to them you were their future spouse, would it be cheating if you slept with them?
Me and the wife in the other relationship say it would not be cheating. First, it’s your spouse! You are literally sleeping with the same person you are right now. Plus, you get to experience them at what was probably their physical prime again ( or the first time depending on your age). My wife and I started dating in high school, and we both acknowledge we’re better at sex now but not at our aesthetic best. How cool would it be to go back to that time, enjoy the view, and show off years of experience!
My wife and the husband of the other couple argue that it was cheating because “we were different people” back then. Also if you get to have sex with someone in that kind of shape, when you get back there’s a higher chance you would be disappointed with your spouse’s current condition and would be more likely to cheat on them in the present.
There’s only one person qualified to settle this debate, so what do you say?”
It’s totally not cheating. You can’t cheat with someone you end up marrying. Put it this way, if you could go forward in time and sleep with your spouse at 80 years old, would that be cheating? Of course not. Imagine in some future universe you could only time travel forward by 35 years. How much would an eighty year old dude like to sleep with his 45 year old wife?
Hell, I would pay millions of dollars right now to bank sex with my wife at her current age every year on my birthday from age 50 on. That is, I would trade one sexual event now for a sexual event to be named later at my older age.
Can you imagine how much you’d look forward to this? Your spouse when she was really hot coming to have sex with you when you were a wrinkled old man? I mean, that’s every dirty old man’s dream come true.
And no way that’s cheating.
But the funnier angle here is thinking about your spouse when he/she was 18-24. Do you think you would want to bang an old married dude or woman when you were 18 to 24?
That’s much funnier to think about.
Say time travel is possible and suddenly your forty year old self shows up to bang your twenty year old future wife. First, there’s no way your twenty year old wife is banging her forty year old future husband. She may not even know him yet. And if she doesn’t know him, how many twenty year old girls would sleep with a forty year old dude? So odds are your future wife rejects you.
Second, there’s no way she’s believing this story. Do you know how many ways guys are trying to get twenty year old girls to sleep with them already? And now some forty year old balding and slightly paunchy dude shows up and claims he’s time traveled back to bang you, his future wife, at her absolute hottest point in time?
Get the fuck out of here.
If your wife is dumb enough to fall for this, you shouldn’t marry her.
Zero percent chance she bangs you.
And, honestly, she probably remembers this interaction and there’s no way she ever marries you so you just fucked up your entire future too. Because the first time you come up to her at a bar as your actual self she’s going to be like, “Wait a minute, you traveled back in time to try and bang me and we’ve already met. You pervert!”
Now the twenty year old dude would definitely bang his forty year old wife because, let’s be honest, he’s a twenty year old dude and twenty year old dudes will bang anything, but there is no way the twenty year old girl is banging the forty year old dude.
This also has me thinking about when your bangability quotient peaks. What if you knew the exact age, date, and time that you would be the most attractive to the opposite sex in your entire life? Would you want to know it? How depressing would that be for a high school quarterback to find out that more girls will want to want to bang him at 17 years old and nine months of age than at any point for the rest of his life?
Because you want that BQ to keep climing for a long time, right? It should be like climbing a mountain. You don’t want to peak young and then just fall into a huge valley of ugliness.
What about for women? There was one girl in my school that, I swear, physically peaked relative to other women in eighth grade. She was the hottest eighth grader I’ve ever seen. You remember those girls right, she’s like 14 and has an 19 year old boyfriend picking her up at school in his nine year old Camaro? Every dude wanted to bang this girl, we were all in love with her. By the time we graduated she was one-third as hot as she had been in eighth grade.
So her BQ was in eighth grade.
You definitely don’t want to know that.
What about Donald Trump, he’s rich so he’s had a high bangability quotient for a long time, but is his BQ at an all time high now that he’s becoming president? Even though he’s 70 years old. In fact, what percentage of women ages 18 to 45 would bang Donald Trump right now just to be able to say they banged the president? Gotta be at least 25%, doesn’t it?
“My wife has never been skinny or near Victoria Secret’s model appearance, but she at least was decent to look at. After two kids my wife is morbidly obese pushing 300+ pounds. The only exercise she gets is going up and down the stairs and she’s completely winded after a couple trips. I have tried to get her to go to the gym, but any physical exertion would be just too much for her fat ass. She is now having more health problems and her mom and sister are not any better which doesn’t give me any hope for the future. At what time do I say that it’s not worth it and I am no longer attracted to you and I need a divorce. I am hoping that she will wake up one day and say enough is enough, but I don’t think it will happen anytime soon, if ever.”
I think when you get married you’re making a promise to your spouse that you’re not going to look totally different in the years ahead. I’m not talking about staving off normal aging or normal addition of weight and loss of muscle — after all, your average 25 year old is a lot better looking than your average 50 year old — I’m talking about a drastic change in body type.
When you get married you’re promising your partner that you’re not just going to go to complete shit.
Maybe it’s totally absurd of me, but I think if you marry a woman who weighs 140 pounds and she ends up weighing 300 pounds a decade later, that’s grounds for divorce. The same would be true for a man who has doubled his weight since your marriage. That’s a seismic difference. You didn’t sign up to marry a fat ass.
But how do you handle it?
I don’t think you can threaten her with divorce, but I do think you need to impress upon her that you and your two kids are concerned about her health. She can’t feel good about herself if she weighs this much. I’m not an expert on obesity, but at that weight for a woman I’d start talking about gastric bypass surgery.
She didn’t put on that much weight by accident either; I think it’s fair to take control of the food buying in the house. What are you eating? How’s your weight? I would think it’s tough for one partner to put on that much weight without the other partner also being fairly unhealthy too.
The only way you can lose that kind of weight is with lifestyle changes so I think you have to bring about that lifestyle change for your wife. After all, I’m sure she’s not happy with the way she looks either.
“I manage a large retail operation, and therefore am putting in about 60 hours a week, give or take, with sporadic days off, especially on weekends. I also happen to be a lifelong Packers fan.
Long story short, my sister in law lives in a large city that is a 90 minute train ride from home, and ‘helpfully’ sprung dinner reservations on my wife and myself for this past Sunday at 5pm, right around kick for the Packers/Dallas game. My lovely wife happily agreed after browsing my schedule and seeing I was off, without any input from me.
So, long story short, I was U.S. Grant at The Wilderness. The battle sucked, but I kept on fighting, 2 o’clock rolls around and the lady goes to the train station without me. I poured myself a little celebratory scotch, and parked myself on the couch for an amazing day of football and quiet.
Now, the catch : I apparently won the “world’s biggest asshole” trophy. Naturally I don’t feel bad at all, but the wife wants me to call and apologize to my sister in law for my selfish decision. I refuse, as I feel I did nothing wrong by blowing off “plans” that I had no input in.
So, I’m floundering in a home front stalemate with no end in sight, please help!”
Call your sister-in-law and say, “Look, the Packers were on and it was a huge game. I’m not going to miss that one, but I understand you and my wife didn’t know about the conflict when you made the dinner reservations. You couldn’t have known either since the game wasn’t scheduled until a week ago. I understand that if you aren’t a sports fan it sounds ridiculous that I didn’t come though so to make it up to you, I’m taking you and my wife out to dinner on the Saturday before the Super Bowl. Will you come with us, please?”
That should get you out of the doghouse and put you on track to get General Lee bested in the next campaign season.
Also, this may be an absurd point, but if you guys live 90 minutes apart, why don’t both of you drive 45 minutes and meet there for dinner instead of each of you traveling 90 minutes? A three hour round trip train ride sounds absurd for dinner regardless. I’d be miserable if my wife made me travel that far for any dinner party that didn’t end in an orgy with she and her sorority sisters.
I’d fight a 90 minute train ride even if there wasn’t a football game to watch.
“My girlfriend (29) and I (30) have been dating a little over a year and recently decided to move in together. Things have been great so far. Sex 3-4 times per week, and we have never had a fight. Everything is pretty ideal, except she told me that last night she had a dream she was cheating on me. Seeing that it was just a dream (or nightmare in my case), I brushed it off as nothing serious. Am I crazy for thinking nothing of it, or should I be more concerned?”
I’d ask her, “Do you think you had that dream because you’re concerned about something in our relationship?” That’s probably not the case, but it’s possible she made up the dream to try to have a larger conversation with you about the direction of your relationship. (Seriously, this is what women do, never assume that anything she drops in conversation in casual. They’re the kings of indirect communication.)
If she insists things are fine, then don’t sweat it. Hell, even ask her about her dream. Maybe the sex was really hot and you can use this to your advantage.
But, again, I wouldn’t worry about it.
After all, do you confess to her about all the ex-girlfriends and porn stars you use for your masturbation fantasies? Odds are your thoughts are much dirtier — and much less defensible — than hers are.
“I was at my new girlfriends lake house with her whole family, uncles, aunts, grandparents and cousins for the 4th of July. I was trying to hold in my poop all weekend but in the middle of lunch one day I couldn’t hold it any longer. I excused myself from table and said I was going to take a shower. Long story short I clogged up the toilet. There was no chance I was going to ask her family for a plunger in the middle of everyone’s lunch so I did the only thing I could. Went wrist deep in the toilet and pulled that shit out. But not only was the toilet clogged, it was broke. So I waffle stomped that shit down the shower drain. Needless to say, things didn’t work out with me and that girl.”
I’m just including this email because it’s really kind of smart.
How many of you would think about pulling feces out of the clogged toilet, stomping it into tiny bits and sending it down the shower drain?
This is inspired thinking, to be honest.
That girl really lost out, you’re basically the McGyver of poop.
“My husband and I are both regular readers. I’m trying to take your advice and increase our weekly sex. Today I attempted to have sex with my husband for the third day in a row. His response to me, “Are you trying to get pregnant?”
Thanks a lot, Clay. By following your advice I got sex shamed. Also, I hope you post this in the mailbag so my husband get the public shaming he deserves.”
Your husband should be ashamed of himself.
If your wife wants to bang you, just submit graciously.
Don’t question her motives. (Even though you’re totally trying to get pregnant, aren’t you?)
“This is less of a question and more of a PSA to all your readers: Bet what Clay bets! I’ve never bet on sports before this year (I’m a preacher so it’s slightly frowned upon). However, me and a friend (a deacon) decided this year we would follow the Clay Travis Financial Plan. We put $100 in an offshore account and bet exactly what you said for college football every week. Even if we thought you’d be wrong, we bet it and would wager $10 on each of your bets. By the end of the season we were wagering $20 on your bets because you were making us so much money. We cashed out last week and finished the year with a little over $400. We realized two things: it’s not gambling if it’s Clay Travis…it’s winning; and we need to bet more next year. Thank you for the free money! Also, let’s keep this anonymous since I’m a pastor.”
A preacher emailing the anonymous mailbag about his offshore gambling winnings from college football games is peak anonymous mailbag.
Thanks for reading and, remember, send your anonymous mailbag questions to firstname.lastname@example.org, anonymity guaranteed.