Anonymous Mailbag

Charlotte McKinney, Kliff Kingsbury

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag. I am presently writing the mailbag from a Los Angeles hotel room where it’s early in the morning and my two oldest boys just got in such a battle royale that I had to separate them and they woke up everyone on three different floors of the hotel with their fight. 

So my middle kid is watching Ghostbuster YouTube toy videos on his iPad beside me. 

I guess what I’m saying is if nothing makes sense in this week’s anonymous mailbag you can blame the Travis boys for getting into a fight. It’s a total zoo in here right now.

By the way, props to you guys for listening to Outkick call the Bama-Michigan State game on Facebook and Twitter. We had over 200k streaming it. Just an incredible audience. So incredible that I’ll also be calling the national title game on Monday. So come hang for that. In the meantime, here’s my breakdown of the bowl games and the final SEC power rankings. 

Okay, here we go.  

“I’m seeking your big gay muslim advice here.

I will be getting married within the next year and having a couple issues.

I’ve already got myself in trouble for drunkenly saying I thought it was stupid to have her brother as one of the groomsmen. I realize that a lot of people nowadays have the brides family members as groomsmen but I just think it’s dumb especially if you really don’t have a relationship with them. Outside family gatherings I don’t hang out with her brother. We don’t have any issues with each other and carry conversations just fine. We just have different interest and friends.

If she ends up having her way and her brother is a groomsman do I have to invite him to bachelor party as well? I feel like things could get fairly awkward.

Would you have a future brother in law as a groomsmen despite not having a close relationship? Does he get an invite to the bachelor party too?”

I think you just have to suck this up and include him, I haven’t been to a wedding — where there were multiple bridesmaids and groomsmen standing up with the bride and groom — where the brother wasn’t a groomsman or the sister wasn’t a bridesmaid. My brother-in-law was a groomsman in my wedding and I like him, but it’s not like we were close friends at the time. 

I’m sure there are plenty of people who feel the same way about excluding brothers or sisters, but this isn’t a fight worth having — he should be a groomsman. One of the things all married people learn is that discretion is the better form of valor, that’s definitely the case here.   

The bachelor party invite is a more interesting question, proper protocol is to invite him, but there’s a decent chance he won’t come even if you invite him — after all, how much fun is a bachelor party when you don’t know anyone else — which gets you totally off the hook with getting in trouble. Of course, you can also just say screw it and not invite him at all, but your fiancee may be upset.

The most diabolical move you could make here is to figure out his advance schedule without him knowing and schedule the bachelor party for a weekend you know he has an obligation. Then you invite him, but he can’t come, and you know that in advance, but you get the advantage of being a good guy and extending the invite.

So get sleuthing. 

“Almighty ruler of all things uncomfortable,

I need a personal ruling and advice as it pertains to a particular sexual conundrum.

My beautiful wife and mother of our two kids, the second a newborn, is the best. She works hard, is a great mom, and our sex life is still pretty terrific, all things considering (and by all things I mean our two terrific but fun sucking kids). Only kicker is, though, on far too many nights we get the kids down and head to bed where I strictly follow the Clay Travis Rules of Engagement. I go to bed with her in hopes that she’ll sleep with me. Sometimes she falls asleep, other times she is feeling it (aka the lights are off so she can probably imagine my being whoever she wants me to be) and, shall we say, takes the initiative. Then falls asleep. We’re talking full on boner in her hand while starting to snore.

So what’s the play here? Do I appreciate the effort, kiss her gently on the forehead and try to sleep or just relieve the tension…otherwise? Or do I gently wake her, encourage her to continue and hope that I’m not so boring that once she gets a bit more awake that we can…accomplish our goals?

What say you? I need you’re ruling. Also, am I the only one who has ever experienced this?”

I think you have to let her sleep. If she’s falling asleep with your dick in her hand she is clearly trying her hardest to make out with you, but just too damn tired from the newborn. 

Go jerk off like a gentleman while watching pornhub on your iPhone.

The next morning tell her she fell asleep with your dick in her hand. She’ll be mortified and make it up to you. Plus, you’ll seem like a nice guy. Which will come in handy the next time she gets mad at you. So when you find yourself screaming “Oh, yeah! Well you fell asleep with my dick in your hand!” you won’t feel like such an asshole.  

And you aren’t the only person this has happened to. 

(You can also go with a nudge and try to wake her back up, but the nudge has to be subtle. And if she has already fallen asleep once she’s going to fall asleep again. So just go watch college girls on PornHub.)

“I’m back in my hometown, should I/ do I have to go to church every Sunday?

I’ve recently graduated law school and have returned to a small Southern town. I’m studying for the bar and will eventually practice with my father. Growing up we went to a small church every Sunday (100 people average attendance growing up, now more around 40).. During my time in college I probably went to church 15-20 times, those being with different girlfriends that coaxed me into going.

I just don’t get anything out of listening to a sermon. I think when we die, we’re just dead. I’d much rather spend my Sunday mornings watching the kickoffs of the noon NFL games. If I don’t show up to church my parents will be hurt, especially my father whose family has been involved in our church for over 100 years.

Caveats- I’ll have to help with extracurricular activities and give money; I’ll be the youngest regular attending member, my 50’s father being the next closest; and finally I’ll be working with my hurt father.

My question is: Am I obligated to go to church on Sundays?”

I think you’re obligated to go to church for the law practice’s sake. 

Seriously. 

The fact that it makes your parents happy is an important side benefit, but if you care about your law practice’s future, this seems like a smart business decision to make regardless of your own religious beliefs. 

Think about it: You’re in a small Southern town and your dad is a strong member of the church. Many of the people who retain your services will be friends of your dad or your family and will want to retain you in the future. One reason they use him, presumably, is because they trust him because of his honesty.

One of the best ways to demonstrate honesty in a group setting in a small Southern town is by being a trustworthy church member. So think of the church as a networking opportunity for your future business, a social club where you meet future clients. 

You don’t believe in heaven or hell, so the fact that many Christians reading this right now will think you are going to hell for doing this won’t impact you at all. Besides, aren’t there lots of people in large and small towns who go to church more for the social attributes than the religion?

Plus, why not set the DVR and start the NFL games a half hour or so late. That way you don’t have any commercials to worry about and you can catch up to the game fast.

Your soul is preserved — at least publicly — and you don’t miss a snap!

See, everybody wins.  

“I come to you with a huge problem that is ruining my dick’s life.

My girlfriend cannot physically perform doggy style. She told me that her OBGYN says that her vagina is shaped in a way that doesn’t allow her to enjoy doggy style.

I’ve been with her for almost two years, and I have no idea how I’m still living.

I love her, but I need creative sex. And that’s literally my favorite position.

I convinced her to try reverse cowgirl a couple months ago and she complained that she was experiencing the same pain that she felt during doggy.

I’ve almost given up.” 

The question here is pretty simple: do you love your girlfriend or doggy style more?

(Yep, this is a dream mailbag answer. That’s a question you actually have to decide. I’m picturing you sitting down and seriously making a “girlfriend” and then a “doggy style” column and then writing down all the pros and cons.)

Relationships are all about compromises and it sure doesn’t sound like you can have both here. (By the way, I’m assuming this is a real medical condition. If she’s made up a fake vagina issue to avoid having doggy style with you, she’s a real psycho liar. Run.)

And if you decide you love doggy style more than your girlfriend, don’t break up with her and cite her lack of ability to have doggy style sex, say that you aren’t ready for a serious relationship.

It’s a lie, but sometimes honesty isn’t the best policy. 

Because if your girlfriend finds out she spent two years with you and you broke up with her because doggy style sex was more important than she was, she’s going to hate all men. 

“A really good work friend of mine has become very “close” with a female co-worker. He is married with a baby, and she is married too. The male and female co-worker are close enough and act weird enough (They eat lunch together all the time, leave at the same time out of different doors, hang out when their spouses are out of town, etc.) that multiple other co-workers have asked me if these two are having an affair.

I always say that I don’t think they are. I haven’t asked him if anything is going on, and I don’t know if they are having an affair, but I’m 96% sure that nothing is going on…I think he is just unaware of how it looks.

Everyone in the company thinks they are having an affair. My question…should I say something to this guy? Should I feel any responsibility here to give him a heads up?”  

Yes, I would give him a head’s up. If that many people are talking about it, then he needs to be aware of the office gossip.

Don’t judge him and preface it by saying you don’t believe they’re having an affair. 

From that point, you’ve done your due diligence. 

“Some buds and I have been talking for a while about getting down to SEC country for a game. We’re from NY so we normally go to Army for a game each year which we’ll continue to do. I think the SEC trip has to happen this year before we’re all a little more tied down. I know you speak highly of Athens, but I was hoping you could shed some light on what you might think would be the spot to go to for a first experience. Any other suggestions welcome too.”

This year I think the two best games on SEC campuses will be: Alabama at LSU and Florida at Tennessee. (There’s a potential bonus idea of going to Virginia Tech — Tennessee at Bristol, but I think you should get get the campus environment).

Both games will be fantastic parties. Given you’re in New York, you could drive to Knoxville easier. If Tennessee finally beats Florida for the first time in four hundred years, this will be one hell of a party. And regardless of what happens when Bama and LSU play, it’s always an awesome party.  

Either way you’ll be in a campus stadium for an incredible environment. 

“Suppose a few colleagues and I will be in Phoenix next Monday. We are supposed to be at a fairly large (but not entirely important) work function that night. What’s the best excuse for us all not to be there, and go to the game instead?”

Food poisoning. 

Go to a restaurant together on Sunday night or Monday at lunch and all order the exact same dish. You can even make a show of it. “Oh, you know what? That does sounds fantastic.” Then go around the table all ordering the exact same thing. Keep your itemized receipt to prove it.

The next day — or later that day — blame food poisoning for skipping out of the work event. If you need to, cite the fact that you all ordered the same thing. (And pray that your seatmates don’t also pick the same dish).  

Enjoy the game. 

(And consider going Johnny Manziel in Vegas and bringing a disguise. You’d hate to get Ferris Bueller’d and end up on television after begging out sick).

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.