Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday and I hate to brag, but our Outkick bowl gambling picks went 4-0 yesterday to finish off the regular bowl season at 9-5. That means our entirely free Outkick picks finished the college football season at 101-73, for a 58% win percentage. Combining that with last year’s 60% win percentage, everyone who gambles should have won some decent money. 

So go spend your winnings at outkickgear.com, where everything is 20% off if you spend $60.

Now let’s dive into the anonymous mailbag. As always you can send your anonymous mailbag questions or confessions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed. 

FYI, I’m operating on three hours sleep right now after the late night with the Sugar Bowl and the Outkick morning show. So here we go. 

“Thanks to your excellent suggestion, my wife gave me a sex voucher book for Christmas. I was talking about the gift with a buddy and we came up with a way to revolutionize the (now booming) sex voucher book industry: what if you could trade vouchers with your friends, kind of like baseball cards back in the day?

For example, you have three “dress like a slutty school teacher” vouchers and want to diversify your portfolio a little, so you trade one of the slutty teacher vouchers to a friend for one of his “dress like a sexy cop” vouchers. This could open up a world of interesting trades: trade up to get that coveted “blow jobs for a week” voucher, for instance.

The only hurdle to overcome would be getting your wife to honor someone else’s coupon. That’s where Outkick comes in: if you all start selling the voucher books, then there’s a standardized currency to work with and this thing is off the ground.

What do you think? Could sex vouchers become the Bitcoin of 2017?”

Genius. 

There are so many men all over the country who got sex voucher books thanks to Outkick’s anonymous mailbag, it’s fantastic. 

We definitely have to standardize the presents for next Christmas; we’d sell thousands of them and make the world a better place. 

Which has always been my goal with Outkick.

That and great dick jokes.  

“I never thought in my whole life that I would have a situation that was worthy of the mailbag. That all changed when you published the mailbag a few weeks ago regarding the Christmas “Sex Coupon Books”. Here is the situation, I hope you can help:

My 35-year cousin (also a huge Outkick fan) is an anesthesiologist in Pac12 country. He has PLENTY of money, terrific kids, and he certainly outkicked the coverage with his beautiful wife. His wife has wanted a new chandelier to replace the current one in their house for a while and has made it the anchor of her Christmas wish list. She doesn’t want anything over the top, just something that isn’t dated and ugly. My cousin believes that this is a shitty thing to spend a few thousand dollars on, and has put his foot down on all conversations of a new chandelier. I overheard the argument while we were at a sporting event together last week and I stepped in to solve the problem a la Clay Travis.

I told his wife about the sex coupons and that she could make a trade: 24 coupons for a new chandelier. She LOVED the idea and she even read the aforementioned mailbag about the power of the sex coupon book and is willing to make the deal. I’m thinking, Clay and Outkick save another marriage, but sure enough there is a twist. This is where it gets interesting.

His wife, being naive, wasn’t sure how to compile a coupon book that would be worthy of new chandelier. She confided in me; a young, wild, 27 year old male with some amazing ideas to make the coupon book for her and her husband! I told her I would happily do so, however, I warned her that she may not even know what half the stuff in the book was. She said she was up for anything as long as she got her chandelier.

I immediately called my cousin and let him know that I would be making him a sex coupon book and I was about to make his wildest sex dreams come true and he needed to buy a dumb ass chandelier ASAP. I was just about to ask if he had any special requests for his book, when suddenly my cousin cut me off to let me know that this wasn’t a trade he was willing to make. He is making almost half a million a year and a sex coupon book made with his input isn’t worth it.”

Your cousin is either gay, hates his wife, or has a sidepiece. (All three could theoretically be true as well.) 

But since he doesn’t want to buy a new chandelier, he’s probably not gay, so he hates his wife and/or has a sidepiece. There is no other possible explanation.

I’m sorry that she has to find out by reading the anonymous mailbag.

Also, you can’t bang your cousin’s ex-wife which is totally where I see this going.  

“Last week I visited my girlfriend and her parents for Christmas. I was pretty nervous about pooping in the house because it was my first time visiting. When I finally sat down to take a shit, my only thought was “don’t clog it.” And sure enough, I finished pooping, courtesy flushed, wiped, and the bitch clogged after like four wipes.

Now if you think it can’t get worse, you’re wrong.

Immediately after I walk out, my girlfriend walks in. I didn’t even have time to fix it! She confronts me, and then she tells her dad. All I could think is “I’m so fucking fucked.” But a miracle happened. SHE TOOK THE BLAME!”

Marry this girl. 

“Long story short, I went to a destination wedding in Mexico and hooked up with this cute girl from California.

I’m no Don Juan/Don Jon/womanizer, but I’m not completely inept either. I’m in my mid-20s and have slept with a total of 11 women. Four of those have been one night stands. Every single one of those times, I’ve gotten a blow job during the encounter as well. So needless to say, I was expecting and looking forward to a blow job with this chick as well.

So we are in bed and starting to fool around and engage in foreplay, etc, the girl tells me that “she only gives blow jobs to guys she knows really well.” I guess she thought that I had expectations of a blowjob, which I did. Being the gentleman that I am, I tell her that “we’ll only do whatever you’re comfortable with” and we go and proceed to have sex and I get no blow job. I was happy I got laid (it’s always great to get laid), but I was kind of disappointed that I didn’t get a blow job.

So my question is, am I being selfish/unrealistic to expect a blow job the first time I sleep with a girl? Was I too greedy? Was I just really lucky with my previous one night stands? Or was the girl the anomaly here? She has no problem having intercourse with a total stranger she just met, but she won’t give a blowjob to a total stranger she just met? Who is in the “wrong” here?”

You had no strings attached sex in Mexico with a stranger and didn’t get a blow job.

#dbap, motherfucker.  

Every man having irregular strings attached sex — so like 99% of us — would make that trade in an instant. 

Would you rather have oral sex with someone or have sex? Doesn’t everyone pick sex? It’s always kind of surprised me that blow jobs come before sex. Because once you’re married a blow job is much rarer than sex. 

When I was in college girls would blow you at the drop of a hat, but sex was more difficult to get. Not that I was complaining, but I always thought this was backwards. And I suspect it has something to do with geography. East coast girls will blow you at the drop of a hat, at least in the early 2000’s. Since sex gets easier to have every year I can’t imagine things have gotten tougher in this regard since that time. 

Anyway, quit complaining. 

“I’m married with a two year old daughter. Just like most your readers the sex opportunities are very few and far between. So I’m drying off after a shower and the wife walks in, locks the door and jumps up on the counter. She says “we don’t have long, the little girl is laying on the bed w/ her IPod!” This is shocking behavior for my wife now in her mid 30’s. So we start, a few minutes (maybe seconds) in the knock comes on the door. Our daughter was on day 3 of potty training and she had to go. We went underwear only after her 1^st use of the potty and threw out the diapers. 

 

So my wife pushes me away, opens the door and throws her on the toilet. Sex over. I continually tell my wife in this rare circumstance we should have just let her go, I would have handled the clean up process. She is persistent that it would have been a major step backwards and so far still no accidents. What’s the move here? I have to be the only Dad where something as awesome as having your child potty trained comes back to haunt you, right?”

Big question here is did you jerk off by yourself later or did you just tuck your erect penis back into your pants and go on with the rest of the day? I’m not sure which is sadder, having to jerk off by yourself because your two year old’s potty training blew your game or tucking a halfie back into your pants and going on with the rest of your day.

Here’s the question, are there really unsuccessful potty trainings? We’ve successfully potty trained two kids. I don’t think it’s because we’re geniuses, I think it’s because by the time they’re three most kids don’t want to sit in their own shit. It’s not like if this moment passes your daughter is going to be 14 and shitting herself.  

“Been reading/following since ~2007 I think I was one of the first 100 or so to read OKTC. Anyway, for Christmas, my wife and I (married 18 years) bought our 10 and 13 year olds the Virtual Reality headsets that work through smartphones.  They are incredible. We’ve virtually toured cites around the world, V-skydived, V-swam with sharks, V-etc…  

One time a few months ago at your suggestion I visited a website called Pornhub.com and noticed they had a section for “VR porn.” Would it be inappropriate to use our kids VR Viewers to research these videos?   Is there a way to link these headsets for couples to share their experiences?  Please have your Trav-ites research.  Could this be the new ultimate form of foreplay for couples?”

The only reason you heard of pornhub was because of me? I’m honestly floored by that. Are there people who have read Outkick and started using Google for the first time too?

If you don’t use your headset to view VR porn your kids definitely will.  

So I think you should definitely test it out. 

“Twenty years ago my wife and I foolishly married between Christmas day and New Year’s. Needless to say, finding time to celebrate our anniversary is sometimes difficult (five kids – pause for collective gasp from your readership). This past week we managed to escape for a night. The 24 hours away from the kids was perfect and somehow I managed to perform three times, without the aid of pharmaceuticals – usually it takes a good 24 hours for me to reload after performing the act. This has got to be a record for a guy in his forties, right? Kind of like Kobe going for 60 in his last NBA game. 

Anyway, this got me thinking, some of your readership must suffer from the same inability to quickly reload. As you are the source of all truth and knowledge on this subject (and since you are quickly approaching 40) please give me and your readers pointers on how to more frequently satisfy our significant others during 24 hour sex-cations. Your forthcoming knowledge is greatly anticipated.”

Are you kidding, I haven’t had sex with my wife more than twice in a day since we had kids. 

I like to think I could have sex ten times in a day. 

The reality is I have no idea how many times I could have sex now. In theory I could walk into a sorority house filled with nubile young coeds all begging me to sleep with them and have 24 hours to sleep with as many of them as I could and have sex one time and just spend the rest of my time there talking about their boyfriends. I mean, I like to think I could have sex ten times, but I have no idea what I could actually manage.   

 

“I have a friend that is somewhat new, but has quickly come to know me better than anyone in my life. We have very similar (not common and kinda f-ed up) views on lots of things, most specifically relationships, sex, and marriage. We quickly realized that with these shared views we could be more honest with each other than we can with our best friends and spouses. Because of this, we’ve helped each other through tough times with our spouses, where we really couldn’t talk to anyone else about it.

Sounds great, but, recently his wife started questioning the nature of our friendship. While there is nothing going on romantically, we don’t have a typical friendship and he felt guilty, and asked me to cut off all communication. Obviously, because I’m not a crazy bitch, I have been and will continue respecting his wishes. But, I really miss him.

I don’t know if I really have a question, but I’m curious about your thoughts on the situation. I’m guessing I’m just out of luck and can’t do anything to get my friend back. It just really sucks, because I’ve felt very alone for a few years, thinking I’m the only one who has certain views and opinions. Meeting him was a huge relief, and now I’ve lost a really good friend.”

Once you are married you cannot have best friends of the opposite sex. 

You just can’t. 

I wish I could give you better advice here, but I can’t. His wife rightly recognized that you guys were having an emotional affair that might lead to a physical affair at some point in time. And she made him stop.   

“I was driving with my girlfriend to watch our school play in a bowl game. On the way down, I got a speeding ticket for going 80 in a 65. My girlfriend, seeing that I am upset about the speeding ticket and being the saint that she is, decides to give me road head to make me feel better! She doesn’t like giving blow jobs in general, and I definitely wasn’t expecting this on the ride down. Because of this, I’m all of a sudden feeling pretty good about the drive down even though I got a $250 speeding ticket. I’m in college, so $250 is not a small amount of money. Should I feel good about this car ride? How big of a ticket would your average man in America take to get road head from his significant other? After reading this, do you think men will start looking for speeding tickets on road trips with their girl to enhance their BJ chances?”

We all pay for sex, most of us just aren’t paying with cash. 

You just found out what your price point is for road head.  

 

Congrats. 

And god bless your girlfriend for being a true American hero. 

…

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.