Modern Dating Is Like An All-You-Can-Eat Buffet ...And That's Not Really A Good Thing

Imagine it's your first time at a new restaurant. The place has great reviews, and everything on the menu looks fantastic. But you have to choose one dish to enjoy for dinner.

Do I want the steak or the pasta? The ribeye or the bacon-wrapped filet? Oh, the salmon sounds good, too. Maybe I want seafood?

Ultimately, you opt for the bacon-wrapped filet — can't go wrong there. Cook it to a perfect medium-rare and pair it with a loaded baked potato and a side salad. I'm getting hungry just thinking about it.

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The waiter brings your steak, and you cut off the first bite. It's tender, delicious, melts in your mouth. Good choice. But then you start looking around. 

Damn, that pasta does look really good. I wish I had gotten that instead. What's that smell? … Barbecue chicken! How did I miss the barbecue chicken?

There's nothing wrong with your filet. It's exactly what you ordered, it's cooked to perfection, and you have no complaints. Any other time, this is the perfect meal. But it's the presence of these other tempting options that makes you question your decision.

Sure, you're perfectly satisfied. But you can't help wondering what you're missing out on.

That's kind of what modern dating looks like.

The Illusion Of Choice

The Internet and online dating have given us more access to the opposite sex than humans have ever had before. Think of it like an all-you-can-eat buffet — and we're not just talking about the sad, closing-time one at the Golden Corral.

That's not to say you can actually date all of those people. But open up any social media or dating app, and you can scroll through or even talk to an endless number of humans. And that's not necessarily a good thing.

In 2004, psychology professor Barry Schwartz wrote a book called The Paradox of Choice — arguing that an abundance of choices actually leads people to be less satisfied with and less sure of their decisions. Because we are constantly bombarded with alternatives.

Schwartz wrote: "Learning to choose is hard. Learning to choose well is harder. And learning to choose well in a world of unlimited possibilities is harder still, perhaps too hard."

Schwartz was talking mostly about consumer goods. But his theory also applies perfectly to the modern dating landscape. And he split people into two categories: satisficers (those who can find satisfaction in what they have) and maximizers (who are constantly seeking something better).

But things like Tinder, social media and rampant pornography have turned modern daters into maximizers — comparing potential partners not just to other potential partners but rather to an idealized fantasy to which no one could actually measure up.

That's not to say you should settle, either. A deal-breaker is still a deal-breaker. But we have to set realistic standards.

Maximizers In The Wild

A few weeks ago, I discussed this concept with Michael Sartain — CEO of Men of Action Mentoring and a seasoned relationship coach. He broke down what "maximizing" looks like for both sexes.

"We have the dilemma of choice. But what's more important than the perceived dilemma of choice," he explained. "Women can't get the men to commit to them that they think they can. 

"And men believe they have this choice with women they see on social media through non-contextualized sexual images — either women in bikinis, women on OnlyFans, a woman in pornography. And their mind thinks that they have options with those women when they do not. And so in both cases, men and women are delusional."

So let's unpack those delusions. And we'll start with the men. 

I have gone on record saying porn destroys real intimacy, and there's no place for it in a healthy relationship. But social media, in a lot of ways, has a similar effect. Because fellas, if you think the Instagram models in Morning Screencaps actually look like that, I have oceanfront property to sell you in Terre Haute, Indiana. And I'll throw a bridge in for free.

That's not to say these women aren't attractive in real life. But once you take away the deliberate posing, the perfect lighting, the skin-smoothing filters, and the FaceTune app to make the waist smaller/booty bigger, they have the same "flaws" that all women do.

Of course, I assume most of you know that. But many men are truly delusional — which is why we still see moronic takes like this one every single day:

Apparently, Scarlett Johansson has a tiny bit of cellulite and sometimes isn't posed perfectly to show off her abs. And because this dude spends so much time diddling himself to fake women on the Internet, even Esquire's two-time "Sexiest Woman Alive" isn't good enough for him.

This is maximizing at its finest. (By the way, that guy has a podcast where he teaches men how to get women. But as your resident Womansplainer, I can tell you that not a sane woman alive wants Paul the Hypergamy Strategist.)

But I'm not just picking on the guys. Women, too, set unrealistic standards for men. And even if you do everything right, there's always a chance she'll dismiss you for the dumbest reason imaginable.

Take Danielle, for example. She had an incredible first date with a man — went straight to the group chat afterward to tell her girlfriends how much fun she had.

"I could not wait to go on a second date with him," she said.

So the man asked Danielle to brunch the following weekend, and she agreed. His communication was spot-on: He made a plan, offered to come to her side of town, asked her what she liked, confirmed with her the day before, all of that. 

Unfortunately, though, this poor sap didn't text Danielle exactly according to her preferred script. So she made other plans and dumped him.

If Danielle continues to scrutinize and nitpick every single sentence a man types into his phone, she's going to be alone for a long time.

The Grass Isn't Always Greener

"Maximizing" isn't just a problem for picky single people. Many couples in serious relationships deal with it, too. 

A married woman starts replying to thristy DMs because she likes the attention. A non-committal man strings a woman along in a multi-year "situationship" just in case something better comes along. The examples could go on for days.

On the flipside, sometimes the grass is greener. Sometimes you just don't have chemistry with someone. Sometimes you find yourself in a relationship with a manipulator, an abuser or someone who just doesn't want the same things in life as you do.

Being satisfied doesn't mean settling.

And that means holding ourselves accountable, too. That means working to become better versions of ourselves: hitting the gym, putting in the effort at work, doing the romantic things. If we expect the best in our partners, it's only fair to give them the best of us.

Then maybe — just maybe — we can all appreciate what we have.

Because remember: When you do find yourself perusing the options of the sad, closing-time buffet at the Golden Corral, you're sure going to wish you had that bacon-wrapped filet.

Coming Up: Cheating & Open Relationships

Later this week, I'll be chatting with Paul Keable, the chief strategy officer at Ashley Madison — a dating site for married people who are looking for affairs. I want to make very clear that I don't condone infidelity or this website.

But Paul and I are going to talk about what he sees as a generational shift toward non-monogamy and open relationships. Also, he'll share with me some demographics of people who are active on Ashley Madison and the common reasons why these cheaters have stepped out on their marriages.

Probably because they're maximizers.

If you have any questions for Paul OR want to share your own thoughts on cheating, open relationships and monogamy, shoot me a note. (Remember I'm happy to keep you anonymous — just ask.)

Let's open the mailbag.

Wise AJ Leaves The Home Decor To His Wife

Early in my 38-year marriage, I found myself arguing with my new wife over curtains. Curtains! Somehow I woke up in time and said "You have better taste than me, you decide."

That was our first and last argument on decorating. Go to work, support your family, and come home to your beautiful, happy wife and home. Solved.

Amber:

And this, AJ, is why you've been married 38 years. No notes.

READ: 'Rocking Chair Guy' Sends Women Into A Fury & Guys, Just Let Her Decorate The House

Ryan On Floor Mattresses And Group Dates (Unrelated)

Your husband’s bachelor pad description cracks me up because that’s basically how my house is. Only functioning/decorated rooms are the kitchen, basement, man cave, and gun room (bathrooms, too, but with decorations that would repel nearly every female who does not love the Chiefs or "Lonesome Dove").

I have to agree that group dating with friends is a very effective way to weed them (or yourself) out. I want the girls I date/plan to have a future with to like my friends & family. Maybe not in the same way I do, but it tells you a lot about a person if they value the same people you do.  

It also tells you a lot about them to see/meet their friends. I’ve never wanted to be that guy who’s unwilling to hang out with/restrict his girlfriend’s/SO’s social circle unless the people are just super toxic. But you can quickly discern from a first or second group date whether she has friends you enjoy (or can enjoy) being around and how much that says about her values that the normally more guarded conversations in one-on-one dates won’t reveal for awhile.  

Amber:

I think all men are guilty of the mattress-on-the-floor thing at some point in their lives. And that's totally OK — as long as you don't make a fuss when she swoops in to make things better.

And to catch anyone up if you missed it, the second part of that email is referring to a column a couple of weeks ago, where a relationship coach told me he recommends group outings over traditional first dates in order to truly get to know someone.

READ: Is Traditional Courting Dead? Dating Coach Says Group Outings Might Be A Better Option

Ryan's point is a good one: We talked a lot about how seeing a person in a group social setting gives you a better idea of that person's character. But we didn't mention the flipside: You can also tell a lot about a person based on the company he keeps. So if she hates your friends, that might be a good indication the relationship isn't going to work.

Lord Of The (Wedding) Rings

Curious to know your feelings on men’s wedding bands? (Or how women in general feel). Because I think this is both hilarious & awesome at the same time.  #nerdalert. But really, would you attempt to murder your husband/fiancé if they wore something like this or does the engagement ring really only matter?

Amber:

This is so nerdy, and I'm here for it.

I actually had the ring conversation with my husband before we got married. He's never been a jewelry guy, so he wasn't sure he'd like wearing a ring — especially since he works with his hands. He toyed with the idea of getting a small tattoo on his ring finger instead.

I told him I'm cool with either option, but it would bother me if he didn't do anything at all. I'm walking around with a rock on my finger, and — call me territorial if you want — but I want my husband to look unavailable, too.

We got him a gold band, but he wears a silicone one most of the time. He said he's gotten used to it, so he doesn't even notice it's there anymore.

So I can't speak for your lady, Ryan, but if you want to honor your marriage with Gollum's ring, I think that's perfectly fine.

Happy Ending

Meet 89-year-old D'yan Forest. She's on Tinder. And she's an absolute riot.

Womansplaining is a weekly column about dating, marriage, sex and relationships that runs on Wednesdays at noon ET.

Email your thoughts, questions, stories and gripes to Amber.Harding@OutKick.com or tweet her @TheAmberHarding.