Sports What ifs: "Where ridiculous happens"

By Nick Pritchard

The following is an all too real conversation between my group of friends:

Scenarios 1 and 2: 

BC: Suppose one of us could play running back on Dan’s middle school football team. Would we score every time we touched the ball?

BG: Yes. Are you really asking if a decently in shape 28 year old man could run over 13 year old children? Let me ask you another question. Does Dylan Moses play for Dan’s team?

BC: No

BG: Then yes. 100 times yes.

BC: Ok. Suppose one of us could play running back on Dan’s middle school football team. The rest of the offense is made up of the middle schoolers and likewise the entire defense is made up of middle schoolers with the exception of the middle linebacker. Suppose the middle linebacker is Patrick Willis. Could any of us gain a yard on that defense?

Me: Gain a yard against this man? Ha. Not a chance. A better scenario would be how fast would I be able to take a knee if Patrick Willis was less than 10 yards from me. Hopefully fast enough.

Does this sound familiar?

No?

Don’t lie. If you love sports and hate being productive with your time then you have surely spent time in the sports scenario arena. I think we create scenarios like the ones above for two reasons:

1. We think more highly of ourselves than we ought to.

2. We consistently underestimate the size and skill possessed by professional athletes.

Obviously, the best scenarios are born when both factors are at play. Luckily, for our group of friends, BC is always willing to entertain both. He is the engine that keeps the ridiculous moving. (I assume every group of friends has a BC to play this role. If you don’t have one, go find one right now.)

Scenario 3:

BC: How many of us would it take to tackle Adrian Peterson in the open field? 2 or 3 of us?

Philly: How much padding do we have?

BC: Standard amount

Philly: We don’t have enough friends.

BC: Ok suppose we were standing 10 yards away from Adrian Peterson in a five yard wide tunnel. Would we be able to tackle him?

Philly: How much padding do we have?

BC: Same as before

Philly: Still don’t have enough friends.

I can remember when I realized that my group of friends wasn’t alone in this worthless pursuit.

Clay’s mailbag from several weeks ago had a question posing a scenario similar to the ones above. My heart was made glad to learn that others played similar games. Appropriately, Clay rejected the question. Still, though, it opened my eyes to the fact that this is probably a more untapped area than I previously thought.

That realization led me to my next thought. Why hasn’t FOX created a show to test these scenarios? Wouldn’t this show be an instant success? There would be no shortage of suggestions or people willing to “test” their scenarios. The advertising pretty much takes care of itself.

**Tune in to FOX this Tuesday to watch this man get his head ripped off by Patrick Willis**

In.

Do you know what would be better than a sports scenario testing thunderdome?

Nothing. That’s right. Nothing at all.

Would I tune in to watch Adrian Peterson truck 5 guys who look similar to me?

Yes. Yes, I would.

Can I think of anything funnier than BC getting tackled by a team of middle school football players? 

I cannot.  

It is worth noting that I am not asking for a remake of Pros vs Joes. I would like to see athletes in their prime pitted against people who had little or no prime. It is my belief that the shorter the prime the more willing one would be to make a ridiculous athletic claim.