I love politics.
There, I said it.
This is despite the fact that my own political career ended after my first year of law school when I wrecked Nashville congressman Jim Cooper's wife's Volvo. Then when Jim Cooper unexpectedly had colon cancer surgery, I, who was then working as his body man accompanying him to all events, took a trip to New York City to visit my then-girlfriend, now wife, without proper vacation authority.
I was fired by the campaign manager.
Now I make a living writing articles about hysterical buttchugging press conferences.
It's clear that I'm the big winner here.
Prior to being fired from a congressional campaign I spent four years interning on Capitol Hill. So I spent enough time in politics to find out that the real problem isn't the candidates, it's the stupidity of the American electorate.
I may be the only person on earth who actually likes both Barack Obama and Mitt Romney and feels like the country will be fine no matter who gets elected.
Inevitably when you write about politics people want to know which side you're on. So I explain my politics thusly: I'm pro-markets and anti-stupidity. Basically, anti-NCAA.
We haven't done a drinking game in a while, but I know y'all will be watching the debate tonight and, like me, often shaking your head at the cloying stupidity of the answers. I don't blame the candidates for the stupidity of their answers, I blame the electorate, for being too dumb to deserve to be led by either man.
Yes, my fellow Americans, Democrats and Republicans are not the problem, incredibly dumb people are.
Rather than be hyper-partisan and get all bogged down in the debate on Twitter, why not do something more worthwhile during the debate -- drink. You can play along on Twitter by using the hashtag #2012drink
With that in mind here's my Presidential Debate drinking game:
1. Every time the troops are supported, drink.
Each time someone is accused of not supporting the troops, drink anew.
In case you didn't know, we have to be ever vigilant against the huge number of Americans who hate the troops. (Note: this is sarcasm. I have never met a single person in America who roots against the troops).
Support. The. Troops!
2. When either candidate accuses the other candidate of running a false ad, drink.
When the candidate cites, as his authority for the falsehood, a think tank that you have never heard of and that sounds something like, "The Center for Made-Up Analysis of Presidential Advertisements," drink anew.
3. When Mitt Romney uses the word, "Obamacare," drink.
When Barack Obama points out that Mitt Romney's Massachusetts health care legislation was the model for Obamacare, drink anew.
If Obama uses the word, "Obamneycare," do a shot.
Query: If Lincoln and Douglas were debating today, what word would slavery get mixed with and become a Twitter hashtag? #stephenery #slaverglas
I shudder to think.
Actually, instead of debating slavery, we would have elected whichever Senate candidate was more like us.
4. When Jim Lehrer asks a question and either candidate immediately ignores his question and talks about something else, drink.
If Lehrer makes an attempt to redirect the question and the question is still dodged, drink anew.
(This debate drinking game would be so much more fun if we had an actual idiot running who we knew had no clue how to answer the question. See Palin, Sarah).
5. If either candidate mentions that they graduated from Harvard Law School, drink.
That's because graduating from a top school makes both men "elites."
And being "elite" is bad in America today.
Thank God both of our presidential candidates are actually elite, and not as dumb as the people they have to appeal to for votes.
6. When Barack Obama cites Mitt Romney's millionaire tax rate, drink.
Remember, using other smart people to outsmart the tax code is bad.
Even if, you know, every American tries to pay as little tax as he or she possibly can.
Bonus drinks if Bain Capital, the 47%, or offshore tax havens are also mentioned.
7. If either candidate complains about the amount of time another candidate gets or cites a violation of the debate rules, drink.
Inevitably, this will happen.
Unfortunately asking Jim Lehrer to enforce rules more stringently is like asking Kanye West to rap without using the word "I."
It. Ain't. Happening.
8 Every time that Mitt Romney mentions the Winter Olympics, drink.
Nothing, and I mean nothing, proves that a man is ready to be President better than his ability to ensure that skiers can come down the side of a snowy mountain.
9. If a Bible verse is quoted, drink.
If the Bible is mentioned, drink as well.
By the way, what would happen, if Romney, in an effort to build his religious bona fides and strengthen his base, showed up for the debate and refused to debate until there was an opening prayer?
Would this win him the election?
What if he just kept saying, "I am not debating until we pray!"
Conversely, if Obama pulled this could he open up some new Southern states on the electoral map? Could this put Georgia in play?
10. If Mitt Romney's hair moves, drink.
Note: you will not drink.
11. When either candidate mentions his wife or children, and there is no reason for his wife or children to be mentioned in the answer, drink.
Wives and children humanize candidates.
Which is why wives and children are prostituted throughout presidential campaigns.
12. If there is any mention of random people and those people are from Ohio, Florida, Virginia, or Nevada, drink.
I love when presidents namedrop random people in swing states in a clear swing state vote grab.
13. When there is a gratuituous sports reference, drink.
This will happen.
Feel free to add your own rules below and if they're genius I'll add them up here.
In the meantime, remember, #2012drink is our hashtag and we'll all be playing tonight.
Just, please, no political arguments.