Nick Saban Proposes 14 New Rules For College Football

If there's one thing that Nick Saban has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt, it's how much he cares about the health of his players. The guy gives out medical redshirts like a grandma of fifteen gives out birthday cards. He's just so nice. In fact, Saban just might be the nicest guy in all of sports. Do any of y'all doubt that Nick Saban has the best interests of the sport in mind when he endorses new timing rules and works to ensure that they get secretly passed?

I mean, do y'all really think Nick Saban would do anything to get an advantage for his own team while simultaneously hurting another team that he's playing against?

Of course not!

Yesterday Saban compared football concussions to smoking cigarettes. I say bravo to Nick Saban for connecting two completely unconnected things. Without Nick Saban standing steadfastly on the front lines of college football health, we were clearly heading towards an era where players smoked while playing football. Plainly, that's dangerous. Especially with sickle cell and HIV and syphilis to consider. Otherwise, those hurry up no huddle offenses want to trot out sickle cell syphilitic smoking HIV positive quarterbacks who they are trying to kill. AND RUN THE READ OPTION WITH THEM IN THE HOT SUN. Who's going to protect you from sickle cell syphilitic HIV positive smoking deaths on the football field?

Nick F'ing Saban, that's who. 

Thanks to Outkick's spectacular relationship with Nick Saban, we were able to obtain 14 additional rules that Nick Saban has endorsed to make college football safer. I think we would all agree that these are necessary and proper rules and that we're all very fortunate that Nick Saban has the best interests of the game in mind.  

14 proposed Nick Saban safety rules for college football.

1. Auburn may no longer play college football. 

This may seem unfair, but think of all the injuries that have occurred in the Iron Bowl. 

Why put player safety at stake with another football game?

Instead, Alabama will play Samford each year in a newly rechristened "Alabama Dominates Bowl." (In order to ensure that Alabama beats Samford each year, Gus Malzahn may not coach Samford.)

In fact, just to be safe... 

2. Gus Malzahn may not coach football anywhere.

Including high school, pee wee, and certain video games that simulate championships. 

3. Only four and five star recruits can play on the field.

If you are not a four or five star recruit, then you are ineligible. Because, let's be honest, two and three star players only exist to injure the players who are actually good. If you do not have enough four or five star players then you may only play with the four or five star players you have on your roster. If it seems unfair to take the field with only three or four players, you are wrong. If you have no four or five star players at all, then Alabama will play three games against you.

And by "play three games against you," we actually mean, "start the season with three victories." 

4. The SEC will move to nine conference games, but Alabama will play Kentucky six times each season.

Don't worry, guys, half of these games will be in Alabama and half will be in Lexington. This will keep those contests fair.    

Meanwhile, LSU will play South Carolina twice, Florida twice, and Georgia twice. All on the road. 

This may seem unfair, but that's only because you aren't thinking about what's in college football's best interest, which is clearly Alabama winning every game. 

5. No field goal attempt may be returned for a touchdown.

Because those plays are dangerous, in that they require unathletic fat men to try and tackle athletic skinny men.    

6. All teams must huddle on offense. 

If you refuse to huddle, you receive a five yard penalty. If you continue to refuse to huddle on three consecutive plays then you are decapitated at midfield by a linebacker of Nick Saban's choosing. 

7. Alabama players may sell their uniforms and gear after each game. 

No other teams may sell their uniforms and gear after each game. 

If this seems like a double standard, that's because it's twice as fair. 

8. It is permissible for coaches to stand on stools on the sideline to see over the line of scrimmage.

If you do not have a stool, then one will be provided for you. 

9. Repeat after me: 12 games of regular season football in a hurry up no huddle offense = a death wish. 

Fifteen games of football in a smashmouth physically imposing style = a light Swedish massage. 

If this seems confusing to you it's because you're a Tennessee fan. 

10. No team wearing crimson may be called for holding. 

My bad, that's already in the SEC officiating handbook. 

11. When running a read option, mobile quarterbacks are not allowed to hand off to running backs. 

This confuses the defense. 

Confusion is bad for the game of football. 

Do we really want one team winning because the other team is confused? Are we playing football or chess?

12. When Bret Bielema is fired from Arkansas, he is guaranteed a job at my Mercedes Benz dealership. 

When Bret Bielema is fired at my Mercedes Benz dealership, he is is guaranteed a job cleaning my lakehouse. 

When Bret Bielema is fired from his job cleaning my lakehouse, he will receive the Samford head coaching job for life. 

13. The NCAA rulebook does not apply to Lane Kiffin.

In fact, any penalty that Lane Kiffin incurs will be assessed to Bruce Pearl, who is currently facing a 48 year show cause penalty for "Not saying, 'God bless you,' when an NCAA agent sneezed." 

14. Regardless of the outcome of the season, Alabama is awarded the national championship. 

This has always been true, but we figure it's time to go ahead and codify this rule for posterity's sake.