For all of the shortcomings and unreasonable mandates of 2021, this year has given us a long list of dress-up ideas for the Halloween parties we said we skipped last year.
The ideas are limitless. Dressing up as Jen Psaki is quick, effective, and empowering. I'm expecting packs of adults to trick-or-treat while wearing Squid Game jumpsuits. And thanks to the Many Saints of Newark, the face of Tony Soprano is once again a top-selling mask.
Still, one figure undeniably tops the list—the man who has graciously allowed us to celebrate Halloween this year: Dr. Anthony Fauci.
Select Halloween gatherings require attendees to reserve characters in advance to avoid duplicate costumes. So hurry, Fauci won't last long.
Here's a guide to pulling it off:
The lab coat
Though Fauci often graces us with a dark blazer, his white coat is necessary for a successful night. I'd go cheap here. Lab coats end up collecting dust. At best, you will wear it twice: once on Sunday and perhaps again at a bar when you're pretending to earn a doctor's salary.
This $17.99 lab coat on Amazon will suffice.
A proper Fauci impersonator must pay attention to detail. As viewers of CNN, MSNBC, ABC, CBS, and NBC know, Fauci never forgets his National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases patch. The NIAID that killed dozens of puppies for research between 2018 and 2019, that is.
Thankfully, Zazzle sells the patch for less than $8. Don't forget the name tag either. Fauci never does. Make one here.
Amateur Halloweenies are likely to make the mistake of purchasing a stethoscope to wear around this week. Don't be that guy. Fauci hardly wears a stethoscope while on TV, where he spent most of 2021. Folks dressing up as Tucker Carlson will mirror his TV image, not how he looks during his hobbies. Do the same for Fauci.
It's challenging to pull off an unmasked character for Halloween because it often requires a chin, nose, mustache, or neck. But luckily, Fauci is a masked character.
But which mask? He has worn many. So, I say what better way to honor Fauci's baseball career than his Washington Nationals mask?
I prefer the one he once wore to a Senate Help Committee hearing.
It's best to buy the Nationals mask online. Purchasing a new mask in October could raise eyebrows as you walk out of the store.
Because American men now go bald by the age of 30, some of you will have to go with a wig. Any gray-haired wig works, as long as you remember the comb-over.
On the other hand, guys are just as likely to go gray shamefully by 31. Therefore, the quick, fill-in-the-gap gray hair dye route works.
The guys who have a great, full head of hair -- like I do -- have a choice: wig or dye.
We viewers have been lucky enough to see Fauci with and without glasses. There's room for discrepancy in this category. These Fauci-looking glasses are fantastic, but ultimately, you will have to decide whether you risk ordering a pair so close to Halloween. As you know, Fauci's friends have severely affected supply chains.
Remember, you only act like your character a few times a night. When you first arrive or meet someone by the brownie table are apt opportunities. However, Halloween parties are not school plays. No one wants to hear your Fauci impression more than once.
For those without time to prepare for a Halloween as Fauci, don't worry. There's always next year. It's quite likely that this guy will still be advising us in 2022. Fauci doesn't go away. He's more of a rash that fades before a comeback.
This could be you in a matter of days: