This was one of the best episodes in the history of "Game of Thrones" with one of the greatest ending scenes in television history. I haven't been this happy about anything that happened on the show since King Joffrey died.
But before we can get to the remarkable ending, we have to start at the beginning.
With Bran, in the tree.
1. We haven't seen Bran since the end of season four, but while he's been in the tree he's hit puberty.
This is one of those incredible TV situations where you realize the kid who was like seven when the show started is now 15 and the difference between being 12 when he went into the tree at the end of season four and being 15 now is stark. (See, what I did there? Hey, I'm a wordsmith.)
Bran and his instructor are traveling back in time watching young Ned Stark train with his sword. We also see Lyanna Stark for the first time, a young girl parading around on a horse. Based on the previews we've seen we also can surmise, I think fairly, that Bran is going to find out who Jon's mom and dad are -- it's Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark -- and probably tell Jon about it.
Most astoundingly we see Hodor and find out he used to be able to talk and his name was Willis.
WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT WILLIS?
Bran doesn't want to leave the memories, but his instructor says, "It is beautiful beneath the sea, but if you stay too long, you'll drown."
A creepy chick is in the tree -- she might even be hot if she wasn't so goth -- and she tells the other girl, Meera, sitting outside on a winter mountaintop, "He needs you."
Meera is, at least according to a popular online theory, Jon Snow's twin sister. Which, when you consider the hair and the interesting facial similarities, could be true. Anyway, file that away, we really don't know much about Meera thus far, but she has to a have substantial role to have been given so much screen time thus far.
2. The Knight's Watch members who killed Jon Snow attack Davos and the Snow loyalists and begin chopping down the door to their chambers.
Ghost is going wild and Davos turns to the rest of the men and delivers this bad ass line, "I've never been much of a fighter. Apologies for what you're about to see."
I fucking love Davos.
Just as we think we're about to see a slaughter, the Wildlings return and the giant knocks down the wall. The Wildlings storm into Castle Black and the Night's Watch is trying to decide whether to fight them or not.
At this point a member of the Night's Watch shoots the giant in the shoulder and the giant rips the guy out of the tower, splatters his brains on the castle wall, and everyone surrenders.
Giant. Mic. Drop.
3. Tormund, the red bearded wildling leader, gazes upon Jon Snow's lifeless body.
"Took a lot of knives," he says, "I'll have my men get the wood for the fire."
(At this point it's like the writers are toying with us fans. Because some fans have theorized that when Snow is burned he'll come back to life and be revealed as a Targaryen.
I feel like this line is designed expressly for this purpose. Yep, the writers are reading our write-ups about the show too.)
4. Back in Westeros a guy is bragging about how big his dick is and how small Jaime Lannister's dick is.
Gotta give the writers credit this year, lots of good dick jokes.
The guy claims that Cersei wanted his dick during her walk of shame. (Which is such a guy thing to say. Here she is naked, bleeding, and beaten, in the midst of the worst moment of her life and a guy twirling his big dick like a helicoper is thinking, "You know what, she totally wants this dick right now.")
Anyway, the Mountain catches the guy with the allegedly big dick drunkenly peeing, picks him up, and dashes his brains out on the stone walls.
Which, to be honest, is going to make me nervous every time I pee alongside a stone wall now.
5. King PC Bro Tommen admits he's a pussy to Jaime while he's standing beside the dead body of his sister.
PC bro Tommen won't allow his mom to come see her dead daughter because the sparrows don't want him to do that.
You'll recall that the last time one of his children was dead, Jaime banged his sister beside the corpse -- AND ALL OF US LIKE HIM AND THINK HE'S A PRETTY GOOD GUY. Well, this time Jaime tells his son to go and see his mom leaving us with a great Jaime vs. the High Sparrow Scene.
6. Jaime clearly wants to kill the High Sparrow.
When the high sparrow questions whether he'll do it in the temple, Jaime fires back, "The Gods won't mind, they spill more blood than the rest of us combined."
As Jaime prepares to kill the high sparrow, all of the sparrows file into the temple and the high sparrow lectures him, finishing with this line, "And yet together we can overthrow an empire."
Then he gives the most bitchy smirk of all time and I wish Jaime had just killed him right then and there and then murdered as many sparrows as he could as well.
7. Tyrion's got great dick jokes this season.
"If I lost my cock, I'd drink all the time," he says, holding a full glass of wine.
Then Tyrion tells us his knowledge about dragons, which is quite substantial. Following it up with an incredible line whe he's asked how he knows so much, "That's what I do, I drink and I know things."
This should go on my headstone.
Perhaps drunk off his ass -- he had to be, right? -- Tyrion decides it's time to make friends with the dragons, which aren't eating since Daenerys left on their brother dragon's back.
"I am their friend," Tyrion says, before entering the dungeon of the temple and freeing the dragons from their chains. This might be the single bravest thing anyone has done in GOT history, which is saying something.
The dragons don't attack him and as he leaves he tells Lord Varys, "Next time I have an idea like that, punch me in the face."
8. Arya gets her ass kicked again and then graduates from the role of beggar.
Honestly, this storyline is so much more boring than all the other storylines I don't know what to think.
The only reason I have any faith in a payoff at all is because Ramsey and Theon's story line was awful forever and then became integral. So I'm assuming we'll eventually get rewarded for our patience here.
As is, Arya is the least interesting character on the show.
9. Lord Bolton has a son!
Ramsey says, "I look forward to meeting my new brother."
Lord Bolton responds, "Thank you for saying that, it means a great deal."
And then, of course, Ramsey stabs his dad to death with a knife and tells his father's aide to send word to everyone that his dad has been poisoned.
This leads us to maybe the darkest scene in show history. But it's so chillingly rendered that it's impossible not to be impressed.
"Send for Lady Bolton and the baby," Ramsey says.
When Lady Bolton arrives with the baby, every terrifying line is perfect. "May I hold him?" Ramsey asks. You expect him to dash the baby's head into a castle wall since that seems to be the theme of the episode so far, but instead he has Lady Bolton and the baby enter the hound cages.
And that's when you realize that Ramsey hates to waste meat.
"Where is Lord Bolton?" Lady Bolton keeps asking.
Ramsey opens the hound cages and then delivers two incredible final lines,
"I am Lord Bolton," he says.
And then the walk off: "I prefer being an only child," he says, and then whistles, leaving the hounds to feed on his step-mother and his half-brother.
This was even worse than Stannis letting his daughter be burned at the stake last season.
10. Theon says goodbye to Sansa and heads back to the Iron Islands.
Where we see his sister and his father arguing amidst a storm in the kingdom. The king exits his throne room to walk on a shoddy rope bridge between towers -- far be it for me to be an expert on how a king spends his money, but maybe you could build a rock bridge in one of the decades you ruled the kingdom?
A rope bridge, really? Have you even seen "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom," bro?
Instead the king meets a stranger on the rope swing -- book readers tell me it's his brother, Euron Greyjoy, but we've never seen Euron on the show before.
Euron throws the king, his brother, to his death.
11. We return to Castle Black where Melisandre, looking young again at least, is sitting in front of the fire, covered in a heavy coat.
Davos enters and says, "Do you know of any magic that could help him, bring him back?"
Of course she does, she made a vagina monster and it killed a king!
But Melisandre is having a crisis of religious faith so she has no confidence in herself.
(At this point I picked up my phone to check the time. Was there enough time to have a resolution with Jon Snow or not?)
We return to the dead body of Jon Snow and Melisandra washes his body clean -- he really is quite handsome -- cuts his hair -- great hair too -- and begins a mysterious incantation as she stands with her hand over his heart. Davos and Tormond watch, Ghost is sleeping underneath the table, and every single one of you reading this right now was spellbound. Would it work, would it not?
And then...nothing happens.
Everyone leaves the room, Jon Snow is alone with Ghost.
And I'm thinking to myself, "Those bastard writers got our hopes all up and they're going to leave this for another episode. I hate them!" When, suddenly, Ghost opens his eyes and then right after Jon Snow opens his eyes as well.
BOOBS FOR THE WIN!
BGID -- Boobs Getting It Done.
YES, JON SNOW IS BACK, BITCHES!
There are many questions left to be resolved, but in the previews for next week we know Snow walks among his men, so he's officially back to life. Some questions that I have:
a. Was Snow inside of Ghost until this moment? Were their wake-ups connected or not? Remember how angry Ghost has been at the murderers as well? Was their any Snow and Ghost connection?
b. Will Snow be changed at all in life after death?
c. Has Snow's vow to the Night's Watch now been extinguished since he's died?
d. Is there any doubt that Jon Snow vs. Ramsey is set up to be one of the greatest battles of all time? In essence this confrontation has been building for several seasons, bastard vs. bastard, good vs. evil, it's the fight we've all been waiting to see.
But all that remains to be seen in the future.
For now, the only thing that matters is this: