THAT GUY. Everyone knows THAT GUY. The guy at the party you can count on to creep out any girls you're trying to hit on, the guy who without fail gets entirely too drunk at the most inappropriate times, the name dropper, the cheap skate, the guy who takes a rivalry too far (lookin' at you Harvey). As much as THAT GUY drives you insane, deep down there's a special place in your heart for him. If you don't know who THAT GUY is in your group of friends, I'm fairly confident in saying that it's you. Don't worry, I'm here to help you out.
America is making its "Return to Augusta" this week for a "Tradition Unlike Any Other" and even without Eldrick "in the hunt" (No, he will not be in the hunt) it will be just as entertaining as ever. I'm sure most of you are shocked that Outkick's Bachelor recapper is writing about rules for one of the world's most treasured sporting events. Well this will be my 19th Sunday spent on the Hallowed Grounds that Bobby built. Yes, 19th.
Over the past 18 years I've seen some of the most incredible golf ever played. During this run I've also been able to take in all of the things that drive those of us who are lucky enough to attend every year insane. I'm looking at you over-served Frat Boy with your collection of cups. So without further ado here are the top ten things you should avoid doing at the Masters so you don't become THAT GUY.
1. Don't be the guy that buys one of EVERYTHING in the store and then changes into all of it immediately. Seriously, don't. Everyone around you knows you are at the Masters, and they don't need the logo on your shirt to tell them that you are currently/have been before. The only time this might be acceptable is if you have a shirt that says Augusta National on the logo, because then you know a member and/or someone got you a souvenir from the pro shop. I still wouldn't do it though.
2. Unless you are a member at the golf club on your golf shirt, don't wear it. But with that being said, if you are a creepy THAT GUY this makes for a great opportunity for the girl you're hitting on to call you out. (Not that we have any prior experience with this scenario... we're just assuming.)
3. Under no circumstances should you yell IN THE HOLE on a golfer's tee shot. Just don't. We are BEGGING you. Do you realize how idiotic this sounds on a Par 5?
4. Do not wear jeans and/or cargo shorts, or your golf shoes. You are not playing golf. I wish this was something that didn't have to be said for one of the most historic sporting events, but it does. This is why we can't have nice things America.
5. If you are starting a cup collection, do not carry around your stack of cups like a trophy. Grow up, Peter Pan. Your wife isn't replacing her dishes with these. You are not a pledge who has to pick up cups after a football game. Do I save my cups every year? Of course. Do I carry all 8 of them with me each time I go to the concession stand? No. The great thing about Augusta is that everyone leaves each other's stuff alone, so leave your cups with your chair or check them with the 19 pieces of Master's logoed apparel you bought.
6. If you are at a hole and an elderly person is standing behind you, offer them your chair. Just do it. You never know who that old man is and it can lead to some great networking opportunities. Ask my friend who did this and the next week had an upper level job at a Texas oil company a year after graduation. I wish I was kidding.
7. Don't be the guy who tells anyone who will listen all of the "fun facts" you know about the course. Everyone was given the same booklet when we walked in, or we were there when said event occurred. This is the equivalent of being the name dropper at a party.
8. Don't dress up like a European golfer. White belts are NEVER okay, and the only reason Justin Rose is wearing one is because he gets paid to. You are not getting paid, so leave the white belt and plaid pants at home. White belts are so bad John Peterson had this inscribed on one of his clubs:
9. Don't yell "War Eagle" or "Go Dawgs" at Dufner and Bubba. They've been around for a while now, we all know where they went to school. I'm not just saying this because I went to Alabama.
10. Respect the course and everything about it. My love for this place is how I assume I will feel for my children one day. I cried when I found out Augusta National doesn't do weddings, even for members. Many people would do just about anything to be where you are, so act like it.
Enjoy. Check Outkick later in the week for the Masters drinking game. You can follow me on Twitter @mattielouoktc.