Attorney General Apologizes For Getting Smashed Before Michigan-Michigan State Game

Michigan Attorney General Dana Nessel, a Democrat, issued a statement Wednesday in which she explained how she got hammered drunk at the October 30 Michigan-Michigan State game in East Lansing and is blaming an empty stomach and the alcohol in two Bloody Mary drinks for doing the damage.

Apparently, there have been some rumblings across the state about the AG getting white girl wasted, and Dana needed to set the record straight. It got to the point where Dana decided to just come out and say she got rocked and that's that.

Let's go to Dana's Facebook apology:

My staff has pleaded with me to hire a crisis-management PR firm for an incident that occurred on 10/30 at the UM/MSU football game. Instead, I thought I would just share the events which transpired that fateful day.

Before the big game, I attended a tailgate on an empty stomach. Much to my surprise, MSU tailgates tend to have more alcohol than food, so I thought it seemed like a good idea to eat 2 Bloody Mary’s since as long as you put enough vegetables in them, it’s practically a salad. As it turned out, this was not a brilliant idea. Also, I might be a terrible bartender.

I proceeded to go to the game (which I’m told Michigan definitely won!) and started to feel ill. I laid low for a while, but my friends recommended that I leave so as to prevent me from vomiting on any of my constituents (polling consistently shows “Roman showers” to be unpopular among most demographics).

I had a few folks help me up the stairs and someone grabbed a wheelchair so as to prevent me from stumbling in the parking lot. Like all smart people attending festivities where drinking occurs, I had a designated driver. I went home, fell asleep on the couch, and my wife threw some blankets on me and provided me with some water and Tylenol for what she knew would be a skull-crushing hangover the next day. (Best wife ever!)

So there. That’s the scandalous tale of the events which transpired at Tailgate-Gate. (Also at some point it seemed like a good idea to make the governor take a picture with Ron Weiser. Sorry Governor!). Just so one doesn’t have to imagine what this scene might have looked like, I’ve attached this handy photo.

Normally I would ask my trusted friend and communications savant Kelly Rossman-McKinney for advice on how to best handle this crisis, but she died last night, so I can’t.

I am human. Sometimes I screw up. This was definitely one of those times. My apologies to the entire state of Michigan for this mishap, but especially that Michigan fan sitting behind me. Some things you can’t un-see.

From now on, I pledge never to drink on an empty stomach, and definitely never to have another Bloody Mary. Cause it’s gonna take a while to get that taste out of my mouth.

Sorry to all the people who have supported me for letting you down. I will try to do better.

Michigan attorney general Dana Nessel / Facebook

Now, we're not here to cancel Dana. We're here for content, and an attorney general taking to Facebook to apologize for getting lit up at a football game is a good one. It's beautiful content. It's what people in the content business live for.

It's been a beautiful year in Michigan politics. You have Dana getting rocked and then you have Michigan State Rep. Jewell Jones (D.) saying how he goes to a strip club to conduct official business because the lamb chops at the Pantheion Club are "great."

What a year. Don't stop now, Michigan.