I'm going to be honest with y'all, I didn't plan on writing anything else today because I've already written 3,000 words on the WWE Network and I'm in the midst of binge-watching "House of Cards." (Last night I was up until three in the morning obsessing about this show.) But then AJ McCarron and Katherine Webb had to go and announce that they're filming a reality show focused on their engagement and their wedding and, of course, I had to give up my afternoon of watching Frank Underwood Nick Saban the nation's capitol so I could go ahead and map out the ten episode story arc of this show that will inevitably air on the SEC Network.
Everyone likes to pretend that reality television is real, but the truth is it's all mapped out in advance. You find out what the cliched reality show storylines are and then you craft the episodes to fit them. There's a very simple reality show formula.
So here's the ten episode storyline.
1. AJ McCarron cashes in all the NCAA-violation money he received for selling his autographs at T-Town's Menswear and buys a massive engagement ring.
Then he proposes to Katherine Webb.
Oh, it's so romantic!
They are getting MAAAAARIED!
Squeal, sob, "Let me look at the riiiiing!" squeal, sob, "Let me look at the riiiiing!" Rinse, repeat. (This is like 99% of female reactions to all marriage proposals).
2. Katherine tries to convince AJ to get his chest tattoo removed before the wedding.
Women marry men to change us. Men marry women because we think we'll get more sex.
Men are sorely mistaken. Because we end up changing to get even less sex than we got before we were married.
The number one target on Katherine's quest to change AJ is to get his chest tattoo removed. I guarantee you she spends hours every month scheming about how to get this monstrosity off of him. Does she really want photos from their inevitable beach honeymoon when AJ looks like he's been attacked and permanently scarred forever by a white trash zombie?
Of course not.
So she tries to persuade him to give up the tattoo.
3. Nick Saban takes AJ golfing to explain what marriage is all about.
Sure, this would presuppose that Nick Saban cares about marriage or life or his players once they graduate or anything other than what defense to play when it's third and eight from the 36 yard line and your team is leading by 14 in the middle of the second quarter, but wouldn't you love to see Saban playing golf for eighteen holes while talking about his marriage philosophy with AJ?
In fact, the SEC Network should have a show where I just take every head coach golfing with me.
As the duo leave the golf course, trouble arises, the wedding location is double booked!
Saban, unexpectedly, has an encyclopedic knowledge of Tuscaloosa wedding locations and saves the day.
4. DeeDee Bonner, AJ's hot mom, isn't sure who she should take to the wedding.
There are many suitors.
Such as every man in Alabama between the ages of 16 and 82 who likes boobs.
But who wants DeeDee for DeeDee and not the double d's?
It's a struggle, y'all.
5. Someone in each family is upset because AJ went to Alabama and Katherine went to Auburn.
And (Uncle Earl, Cousin Jimmy, Granny Sarah Lou, insert redneck name here) won't come to the wedding if he/she marries someone from Alabama/Auburn.
This will not be true*, but it will be an episode because this is how people who aren't from the South think that people who are from the South act about football.
(*Note: Depending on how redneck the Webb and McCarron families actually are, this might actually be true.)
6. Johnny Manziel is throwing AJ's bachelor party.
This has everyone in the Webb family very nervous and creates a strain in the relationship.
Katherine: "AJ promise me you won't do anything irresponsible."
AJ: "Baby, do you think I like naked girls with low self-esteem and perfect bodies who will have an orgy with me just because I'm going to be an NFL quarterback and happen to be in Las Vegas with Johnny Manziel? I'm not that stupid."
Manziel standing behind Katherine as AJ hugs his fiancee, pantomimes an aggressive blow job. AJ winks and gives him the thumbs up. Upon arriving in Las Vegas AJ and Manziel bribe the reality show cameramen with blow jobs in the strip club to ensure that all footage of the bachelor party is actually shot at Disneyland. "Surprise, we didn't actually go to Las Vegas!" says AJ, returning with a bouquet of roses and a side case of syphilis.
7. Katherine has to say YES to the dress.
But what if she can't find the right dress? One that her momma and her grandmomma and AJ's mom and AJ's grandmomma all like? I mean the dress has to PERFECT for her to say yes to it. Otherwise, the wedding will just be off.
Tears, dresses, disagreements, "We'll never find the right dress!" says Katherine, pouting and sinking into a pile of dresses laid out by one of the three openly gay men in Mobile, Alabama.
Until, guess what, she says YES.
TO THE DRESS!
(This is seriously the worst show on television. It actually tells you what's going to happen in the title and then women -- and me -- watch it happen over and over again. Wait, let me guess, how will it end? The girl's not going to get married because she can't find the right dress!? Or, the girl finds the right dress? I'm on pins and needles here).
8. AJ and Katherine fight over a prenuptial agreement.
Neither of them actually needs a prenuptial agreement since they have pretty much equal careers and premarital assets, but this series has to go ten episodes so they'll fight over this.
Katherine will slam a door, AJ will make a grumpy face, and ultimately special guest star Steve Spurrier will arrive and negotiate a deal that makes both couples happy.
"Welp," Spurrier will say, "y'all want to get married? Good deal. Let's go drink cold beers until you're both too drunk to see what I'm writing on this piece of paper."
(Spurrier holds up the premarital agreement that both sign after drinking too much. It's a stick figure picture of Danny Wuerffel surrounded by hearts).
9. AJ frets over where he'll be drafted and Katherine gets a puppy.
"The puppy is practice for having children," says Katherine.
Yes, of course.
Because nothing can prepare you for incessant responsibility and neverending support like an animal that you can leave at home by itself all day with a pail of water and a doggy biscuit.
10. Who will officiate the wedding?
It's a huge surprise.
Spoiler alert: Brent Musburger will officiate the wedding.
And try to kiss the bride at the end of the ceremony.