All That and Bag of Mail: Your Wife Loves Justin Timberlake Too

It’s Friday, you’re not working, and if you’re a girl in Nashville reading this right now you’re either planning your night out at the Justin Timberlake concert or you are pissed because you don’t have tickets to the Justin Timberlake concert. 

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Justin Timberlake, because he’s going to get more men laid in Nashville tonight than any man ever has before.

On to the mailbag.  

Ryan O. writes:

“This year, the Heisman race has two candidates who are putting up amazing numbers, but due to off the field actions (Manziel’s partying and behavior, and the Winston sexual assault investigation that came up this week), which way do Heisman voters go? Do they stick with those two candidates because it is obvious that without them, their teams would not be as highly ranked and have the record they have, or do the voters penalize these players and give the trophy to an AJ McCarron or another player that is seen as more of a “cog in the machine” on another team that is doing well this year?”

Remember when everyone was trying to say Jameis Winston was the anti-Johnny Manziel because he was such a golly gee aw-shucks guy off the field? In fact, Winston even said the same thing. Which is pretty extraordinary. If I’d been investigated for sexual assault, guilty or completely innocent, I don’t know that I’d be throwing verbal grenades at anyone else for anything they did off the field. 

This is just the latest example, as if we needed another, of why any and all athlete images have the depth of a cardboard cutout. We really don’t know anything about these guys. 

Anyone who doesn’t vote for Johnny Manziel because of his offseason is an idiot. Nothing that Johnny did was that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. Manziel’s issues were similar to Cam Newton’s, just on a much smaller scale. The allegations about their off-field actions weren’t crimes, just potential NCAA violations.   

Winston’s a tougher call here because let’s imagine the absolute worst case scenario, he gets charged with sexual assault the week after the Heisman vote, which he wins by a slim margin over Manziel. Worse, subsequent to these charges, we find out that Florida State knew all about the allegations and chose to risk it by playing him all year in hopes that he wouldn’t be charged.

That would be a blockbuster story.

The Heisman’s tarnished, the entire year’s a mess, the BCS is is an uproar because Winston can’t play in the title game against Alabama.  

Will all of that happen? Probably not. But it certainly could happen. Who knows what the full story is here? So I do think you have to consider the off-field implications when they are this severe.

These allegations will certainly cost Winston some Heisman votes, no doubt.  

Devin writes:

“After last nights debacle of a second half, and what appeared to be the most pathetic loss of the Munchak era to Jacksonville last week, it seems like with new ownership Munchak could be on the hot seat. With that said, I present to you a scenario. Munchak is gone, and new GM Clay Travis is appointed to lead the Titans out of the depths of mediocrity. My question. What moves do you make, and why?”

Okay, here we go.

1. I go try to hire Kevin Sumlin from Texas A&M. 

It’s a quarterback’s league right now and Sumlin has the right system and connection with signal callers to set up an offense that works. 

I’d also give him carte blanche with my first round pick this year to take whichever quarterback he thinks is the best available with our draft pick. (Likely top 15). That could be Johnny Manziel, it could be Brett Hundley or Zach Mettenberger or Tajh Boyd or whoever he thinks is the best available option at our draft pick. He could also see enough in Jake Locker that he doesn’t want to take a quarterback this year.

Basically, I’d let him make that decision.  

2. Chris Johnson is gone. 

He’s set to make $8 million next year.

Running backs don’t matter anymore in the NFL. 

I’d let CJ go and either redeploy that money to a big time rush defensive end or go get a very good right tackle and potentially another starter at safety.

3. I wouldn’t pick up Jake Locker’s fifth year option for over $13 million dollars in 2015 salary.

I’d let him play the fourth year as a last chance to prove he’s a legit NFL starter and if he played great in that fourth year I’d consider attempting to sign him to a longer term deal. But right now anything more than $8 or $9 million a year for Locker is a total waste. 

Those would be my three biggest decisions.    

Randy writes:

“My fiance is also gearing up for Justin Timberlake tonight, among the other 20,000 women in the Nashville area. It’s insane how many plans she and her friends are making. It appears she and her friends are more excited about this than our wedding day.

Do you think it is more rock star to be the best, brash-ist football player in the country, or sweet singing/dancing, movie star, ex-mousekateer? Which do think pulls more booty?”

Right now more women — and men — would sleep with Justin Timberlake than any entertainer in America.

There’s zero doubt.

I’m not even sure who comes in second.

Ryan Gosling? Brad Pitt? George Clooney? Leonardo Dicaprio?

No athlete even comes close to Timberlake’s amount of potential ass, primarily because most women don’t know athletes. And if they do know famous athletes, on average, they don’t find them anywhere near as sexually attractive as Timberlake.

My wife and her friends, your fiance and her friends, every woman going to this concert tonight is obsessing over what to wear. It’s like they think Justin Timberlake is going to see them in the crowd and say, “I love your new sundress and cowboy boots. Want to come backstage with me?”

Usually women are smarter than this.  

But it’s Timberlake, he’s all driving them mad. They’d all sleep with him if they had the chance. 

Dirty little secret? Timberlake isn’t even that good looking. If he worked at their office in a mid-level position, they wouldn’t even give him a second look. 

The lesson here as always? Success matters to women when it comes to attractiveness.

For men? It doesn’t really matter. 

If Kate Upton was the receptionist at a dental office every man who checked in to get his teeth cleaned would be fantasizing about sleeping with her all day long. Not only that, when he went out for beers he would tell his friends about how hot the girl who checked him in to get his teeth cleaned was.

And his friend might be willing to change dentists over it.  

Michael S. writes:

“Reading your tweet about the Justin Timberlake concert had me thinking about “celebrity passes” for couples. My wife attended a concert of her favorite rock star as a teenager and she had front-row seats and a meet-and-greet afterwards. We’ve never joked about “celebrity passes” but who would be the more upset spouse, man or woman, if something like this happened? I know a man wouldn’t hesitate if he thought an agreement, joke or not, actually existed and the opportunity presented itself. Would a guy actually be proud of the fact his wife slept with a celebrity? How upset would a wife be at her husband?”

One of my buddies texted me, “If Justin Timberlake wanted to sleep with my wife tonight, I don’t even think I’d be mad, I’d just be really proud.”

That’s how bad ass Justin Timberlake is right now. 

I’m not sure on the percentages here, I think most wives would be upset, but it’s not like you’re having a torrid affair with a celebrity, it’s a one-time thing. For most of women, I think it would matter which girl it was. All women seem to love Angelina Jolie. So I feel like women would be more likely to be okay with that than they would, say, Britney Spears. 

As for husbands, it would depend on the guy somewhat too.

Quite a few would think Timberlake was pretty cool. (Because let’s be honest, if Timberlake chooses to sleep with your wife it probably means she is pretty smoking hot). But what if it was, like, Barry Bonds or Jose Canseco? What if it was someone who isn’t even that attractive like Philip Seymour Hoffman?

I mean, if your wife came home and she was like, “I’ve got to confess to you, I slept with one of the guys on my list.”

And you were like, “Okay, who?”

And she said, “Wille McGee!”

Wouldn’t you be kind of disappointed?  

Matt F. writes: 

“Ronda Rousey went so far as to claim that she could beat Cain Velasquez on any given night. I want to start off by letting you know I’m not sexist. I find it crazy for her to claim she could beat the heavyweight champ in men’s UFC. This begs the question. Could Rousey beat a guy like me in a UFC fight. I’m by no means jacked, but I’m tall (6’2″), and weight 200 pounds. What are the odds that I could beat her in a UFC fight?”

I don’t really care much at all about the UFC, but I’d watch the best women’s UFC fighter against an average guy. 

First, if you didn’t train, she’d beat you. 

No doubt. 

I’ve met her at Fox. She put me in an arm bar in the green room and it hurt. (I’m not kidding about this). I’m 6 foot 180 and she could have snapped my arm like a twig right then. 

She knows lots of fighting moves and holds that would make you tap out. She could probably make you tap out by putting your pinkie in some kind of Brazilian jujitsu hold that would hurt worse than an STD pee swab.

But if you trained the most average guy out there for like three months and they turned it into a reality television show ending in the fight, would you win? I have no idea, but I’d watch.

It’s like a modern day battle of the sexes. 

Better question, how much money would Fox have to pay me to fight Rousey? How much would they have to pay you? I mean, if you win, you beat the best women’s fighter alive, if you lost, you’re the dude who got the crap publicly beat out of him by a woman. 

The risk/reward here is definitely skewed. 

Chris F. writes:

“Cam Newton. Manti Teo. Johnny Manziel. Jameis Winston. Amazing how skeletons seem to get uncovered once a player poses a potential threat to Alabama’s national championship hopes. Pure coincidence? Elements of an overzealous fan base who dig for dirt and have no qualms about potentially ruining a kid’s life by tipping off media members with any unsavory details – substantiated or not – that could create a distraction? Or proof that a houndstooth robe-wearing Illuminati exists, with members gathering around a spittoon and plotting the downfall of anyone who could threaten Crimson Tide dominance.”

I think you’re giving Alabama fans way too much credit here. 

Most Alabama fans think they’d beat the Jacksonville Jaguars if they played next week. 

Most Alabama fans also have a mental capacity that’s strained in stacking the shelves at Wal-Mart too. So no way they could organize a conspiracy. 

Outside of Auburn — who they detest with the fury of a thousand blazing suns — I don’t think Bama fans care that much about these other players. 

But, good Lord, can you imagine if there was a Crimson Tide Illuminati, they were charged with conspiring to rig college football, and a trial happened?

This would be extraordinary. 

Scott S. writes:

“I’m a Bama grad (hopefully in the 15% but probably in the 85%) and my friend is a LSU grad. He lost a tie bet with me over last Saturday’s game and has to wear a Bama tie for a whole month. Any suggestions for an extremely tacky Bama tie to make him wear?”

You have to design your own tie that incorporates the ghost of Bear Bryant, a yearly tally of Bama’s claimed national titles, an elephant running in a red tide, and Saban with a halo around him like he’s Jesus. 

Or this one, which actually exists.

Jeremy writes:

“I’ve been thinking about this for awhile especially since you, many other OKTC readers and myself are fans of Game of Thrones. I’d love to see HBO take on the project of adapting the Bible to a series like GoT. I know someone just did a Bible series earlier this year, but that was more like a mini series full of highlights. I’m talking about delving into the details. When you actually read it, you learn the Bible is as action-packed as anything Hollywood comes out with these days. There’s everything in it Hollywood would love – drunkenness, sex, adultery, incredible battle scenes, etc. Although I, myself, wouldn’t care to see them show nudity doing a religious series, I know they’d love to jump on it (Joseph resisting seduction from Potiphar’s wife when he was in Egypt comes to mind). Of course, I’d want them to actually stick to the Bible instead of adding things like they tend to do. Why? Because of the old adage that “truth is stranger than fiction.”

More specifically, I think detailing the life of King David would be awesome. From his days as a shepherd for his dad’s flock when he killed both a bear and a lion all the way to being on his death bed when he appointed Solomon as heir to the throne of Israel. In between all that is the famous slaying of Goliath, the pursuit by then King Saul to slay him, his crowning as king, the adultery with Bathsheba which resulted in the murder of her husband and the consequential death of their child, and the exile and eventual battle forced on him by his beloved son Absalom who craved the throne – a biblical “game of thrones” if you will. On a side note, my personal choice for King David? I think Richard Madden (Robb Stark) would play the role well.”

 
I’m sold. 
 
David — with abundant sex and nudity — has to happen. 
 
Get moving on it, HBO. 
 
Aaron C. writes:
 
“Hey, I’m a huge fan, I’ve been reading your stuff since “Fear the Apostrophe” was still a thing. Anyway about a year ago I was staying at a hotel in Nashville the night before a flight and I saw a PSA commercial about a guy who was late to his wedding and his friend was driving to get there and they tried to beat an oncoming train to get there and they got hit by the train, and the cheeziness of the ad and the poor quality just made me laugh hysterically for some reason. Now last week I was driving through Nashville and I saw a billboard that was another PSA that had a cross by railroad tracks inferring that someone else had tried to beat an oncoming train. So my question is, are there a lot of people in Tennessee that race against oncoming trains? Is this such a severe problem in your state that they had to have multiple public service announcements?”
 
I’ll tell you this, the crossing guard rails come down way too early. 
 
So I don’t blame people for going across sometimes after the rails have come down. 
 
I’ve done it. 
 
I think people sometimes inch too close to the rails to see whether a train is really coming and then panic and hit the gas instead of the brake. 
 
Dying because you got hit by a train has to be the worst way to go in a car accident. 
 
Because everyone who reads your obituary is thinking, “What an idiot.”
 
Everyone at your funeral is thinking it too. 
 
Having said all of this, the fact that my state spends tax dollars to encourage people not to try to beat trains across the tracks is, not surprisingly, ridiculous. But given what the Tennessee legislature otherwise spends money on, I’m actually not going to gripe too much about this one.  
 
Kyle S. writes:
 
“You made a point in last week’s mailbag about James Franklin not going to USC because California’s state income tax is so high, it monetarily might not be worth it for him to leave. With the talk of Saban considering a move to Texas, a state that does not have a state income tax, do you think there is a legitimate chance the state of Alabama abolishes their state income tax in the hopes of retaining Saban? Also, what other issues could Saban demand and the entire state would vote into law just keep him there? Legalize marijuana? Gay marriage? Tort reform?”
 
I believe if Nick Saban said he needed it for a recruiting advantage there is no doubt the state of Alabama would legalize marijuana. 
 
Hell, if Saban and Malzahn campaigned to legalize marijuana together, it would pass with 90% of the vote.
 
It wasn’t Bull Conner spraying fire hoses on people trying to vote or bridge marches that brought about athletic equality in Alabama, it was white Alabama football players getting their ass kicked by black players from USC.  
 
Football matters so much in Alabama that you could turn it into a liberal utopia if that guaranteed football wins. 
 
Gay marriage?
 
There’s no doubt that if the top five star quarterback in the country said he’d play at Alabama if they legalized gay marriage that the state would pass it. 
 
None. 
 
Universal statewide healthcare guarantees five straight SEC titles? 
 
Roll Tide, y’all. 
 
If Barack Obama had played football at Alabama and supported the exact same political platform, he would have won the state in both Presidential elections. 
 
I’m not really sure what modern day leftist policy wouldn’t pass in the state if its passage could be connected to greater football success. 

 

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.