All That and a Bag of Mail: Women's Football Camp Edition

I am presently writing the mailbag from a dodgy Southwest wifi connection so I'm hopeful that this will eventually be published and make it up on the front page of Outkick. If there are formatting issues and it's a bit confusing to read, I apologize. Relying on Southwest wifi is like rooting for Alabama fans to pass their GEDs. No matter how much you might want something to work out eventually you're going to end up disappointed. 

On to the mailbag.  

Lee Wooldridge writes:

"BWAHAHAHA!! You have MSU a toss up against Vandy. VANDY!!??! BWAHAHAHA!!! Man your a real dumb shit. You're so called football knowledge is garbage.

Did you see what MSU did to Mississippi in the Egg Bowl. Oh that's right, you don't bother watching the games. Well as a coach of 34 years I'll let you in on a secret. A quarterback named Dakota Prescott who has the power of a Mack Truck and the sculpted physique of a Greek goddess on megaroids came in and won the game almost single handed. And if he had played the whole game MSU would have won by about 24. And if he had played the whole season not many trannies couldve beat us. Oh but you didn't know that did you. just like you didn't see what Dakota did to Rice. Too busy sipping Chardonnay huh fancy boy? A toss up against Vandy? Righhhhhht.

If you were man enough I'd bet you any amount of money MSU beats Vandy by at least 21 points and finish no lower than 2nd in the west. Minimum. There's a reason all the SEC west coaches are more worried about MSU than any other tranny, and that reason is call Dak-ko-ta. Actually make that 2 reasons. Dan Mullen. Or maybe you missed what he did at Utah and Florida when he had a QB who fit his system, like Alex Smith, like Tebow, like Dakota. You'll know in a few weeks when errybody sees us stomp LSU.

Please do yourself a favor and go back to making jokes about fanbases and leave the real football to those of us who know the game. Douche."

I love everything about this email. Particularly knowing that there are two different versions of your and yet still misusing them in the opening sentence. This guy got all riled up about a prediction in my SEC East column that the Vandy at Mississippi State game would be a toss-up. 

I emailed this guy back and offered to bet him $5k on the game. He wrote me back and said he wanted to put more money on the line for this game. So I told him I'd go $10k on Vandy +21 against Mississippi State.

No response thus far.

I suspect that's probably because he's presently pleasuring himself to shirtless photos of Dak Prescott. 

Gator Gal Writes:

"Dear Favorite Gay Muslim-

I am a diehard female college football fan, and several times have taken advantage of the opportunity to attend a one day football camp for women at my alma mater (UF- but I understand that many other programs also have these camps or clinics). It really is a great experience - we get to spend a whole day with the coaching staff, meet players,learn plays, run drills on the field, tour the trophy room, locker room, weight room and other facilities and, best of all, get to run out of the tunnel onto the field with music blaring and crowd noise piped in as if it were the start of an actual football game! I have several male friends who have told me they'd be willing to give their left arm just to have that experience! My suggestion has been: put on a wig and a stuffed bra, shave closely, register under a slightly altered name(e.g. Clay could be Claire), and come on out!

Would that be so wrong? It doesn't seem fair that I get the thrill of running out of the tunnel to "Heeeeere Come the Gators!" while my guy friends will never have that experience.

Any thoughts?"

We need this to happen and we need whoever attempts to pull it off to write about it for Outkick. 

Everything about this would be hysterical. What do you wear? Do you speak at all for fear of blowing your cover? How big do you make your fake boobs? Do you catch one of the coaches checking you out? 

One of you has to make this happen. 

Anonymous writes:

"Please leave my name off.

My wife is a vegetarian. Hard-core plant eater for the last eight years. I most certainly am not. However, my wife always says that it would be super attractive to her if I didn't eat meat. Finally, a few weeks ago, she asked what she could do to change my mind about being a vegetarian.

This opened the floodgates of possibilities. Flashback to the wonderful/insightful piece written by the Auburn wife last year (favors for fanhood) and you see where this is going.

The question is, how many other men out there are like me, and would be vegetarian for a week just to get a blowjob? Larger scale questions arise, as well:

1) Has PETA been investing resources in the wrong campaign?

2) Could blowjobs turn American men all into vegetarians?

3) What other causes/campaigns can you imagine getting a boost from that exchange? The possibilities are endless."

Remember in Lysistrata when women stopped sleeping with men to end a war? And it worked? I don't have very much doubt that there are a ton of married men reading this right now who would give up eating meat in exchange for a guaranteed number of blow jobs per week.

Now, how long would that last? I have my doubts. You'd probably be better off as a modified vegetarian. For instance, how many married men would give up meat, but still eat chicken and fish in exchange for blow jobs? Probably quite a few. Honestly, I'm not sure what most married men would refuse to do for sex. It's a drastically underutilized bargaining tool for married women. Hell, I bought my wife $500 Nordstrom rain boats -- FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR RAIN BOOTS -- because she promised to wear them while having sex with me later that night.   

As for better campaigns to use this for, given that methane from cows is the number one cause of global warming, could we combat the ravages of global warming by a national blow job for vegetarians campaign? After all, if the demand for meat plummeted, there would be many less cows needed, and as a result the methane quantity world wide would theoretically plummet as well.

Blow jobs to save the planet earth? I'm not even an environmentalist and this seems like a win, win.

Plus, it would allow a married man to say, "Babe, this isn't about my sexual gratification, I'm trying to save the planet." 

Darryl writes:

I need your help! I will go with whatever decision and any possible rules associated with said decision for all eternity. I am Nashville born and raised. I was 14 years old when the Titans came to town, prior to their arrival I had zero interest in the NFL. From 1998 to 2002 I attended many games with my family and friends. September 8 2002 I attended the Titans vs Eagles with my dad. The game was awesome, Titans won on Eddie George touchdown right in front of us. Me and my dad had gone to games before but this game was special, the one year anniversary of 9/11/2001 was being honored, and I was leaving for the Army basic training in the morning. I spent 5 years overseas, my dad would record the games on a VCR and mail me the tapes so I could watch. Like lots of families from Nashville the Titans became a big part of our lives. Here is my dilemma. I am now a father to a boy that will be 5 in October, we live in Colorado Springs and I do not see us leaving here in the foreseeable future.

As he is becoming of age to establish sports rooting interest, I am struggling with what to do. Should I raise my son a Broncos fan and become one myself so we can share that experience like I had or continue to solely root for the Titans. I began pondering this before last season but have been unable to decide plus I didn't want to be jumping on the Broncos bandwagon. I need good advice as this will affect a father/son relationship and determine how well my son turns out as an adult.

P.S. Wife is a Cowboys fan, fortunately my son recognized the absurdity of this at a young age (2). He will only refer to them as the Stinky Cowboys. My father in law is not amused by this.

Good God man, you've got the opportunity to allow your son to root for a team quarterbacked by Peyton Manning -- which he will remember for the rest of his life as an awesome sporting experience -- or one quarterbacked by Jake Locker, which will doubtless leave him awake at night for the next generation wondering why in the world he ever became a Titans fan. 

I think you continue to root primarily for the Titans, but you also root for the Broncos. Then you let him choose when he gets old enough to decide on a primary rooting interest of his own. All you can do is expose him to both teams and allow him to pick.

FYI, he's going to pick the Broncos.  

Jake C. writes:

"I graduated from Texas A&M this past may and decided to go work in the oil field. I am making pretty good money right now (that will come into play later) While I never had a serious girl friend in college, I did enjoy the company of a select few over others. When I tried to get serious with them, they put me in dreaded "friend zone." And I'm sure, as a gay Muslim, you know how hard it is to get out of the friend zone. Lately a couple of the girls who put me in the friend zone are showing renewed interest in my life. My question is how do I know if they are showing interest in me or interest in my bank account?

I look forward to hearing "you're" opinion."  

They are showing renewed interest in you and your bank account. Welcome to the real world. In college most girls don't pay much attention to bank accounts because everyone is living, at least in some degree, on their parents. Then the girls who friend-zoned you graduate and have to pay rent on their $23,000 a year salaries.

And they're like, "Holy sh--, life is expensive."

And then they think, "You know, Jake's not really THAT bad. I mean, he's a pretty good guy. We could live in (insert neighborhood that is too expensive for them to afford to live in together right now)."

You've moved up on the dating food chain, congrats. 

So many men are becoming losers, by the way, that this is happening for women too. Y'all get better jobs than the guys these days and now you have to support his loser ass. 

That's why I've got the perfect campaign to combat the declining performance of boys in school these days, I think we should use this theme -- "If you want a hot wife, you better do well in school."

It's 100% true.

The more schooling you do, the hotter your wife.  

Kenny writes:

"Clay,

I'm starting a new relationship, and it has been going great (like all relationships do in the beginning). However, with football looming, I have a track record that is doomed to repeat itself.

Living on the West Coast, I have the ability to start watching football on Saturdays at 9am and watch all the way to the last whistle at 10:30pm. Every girlfriend I have had HATES the fact that my life during the fall is consumed with college football. Add to the fact my University (Oregon State) isn't very good, it makes for some pretty heavy mood swings around me. They complain that it's all-consuming and it usually ends up with a break up in the winter.

My whole point is that all I'm asking for is for 13 days a year (3.5% of the year!), and that whatever she wants to do the other 352 days is fine with me. Why does the girlfriend continue to be so hard about the Fall Saturdays?

I really like this girl, and think something special may be happening. I have explained to her (like all of them before) what my Saturdays in Fall are like, and she's cool with it (like all of them before). But when it's actually happening, it sucks. What can I do moving forward so history doesn't strike again? Am I being too ridiculous in my request?"

My first thought is you need to move to the South where there are millions of girls who would be happy to handle this "bad habit." My second thought is, how old are you? The older you get the less you need to share everything with the person you're in a relationship with. So what, she doesn't like college football, doesn't she have her own hobbies for those 13 days of the year?

Having said all of this, if you really like this girl, have her email me and we'll stage an Outkick intervention. I'll make your case for you in an objective fashion and she'll probably end up agreeing to give you these 13 weeks. This will work great until you get married, have kids and your life ends.

I'm sorry, I can't help you there.  

Nick R. writes:

"Clay,

First, i'm a huge fan of Outkick. I can't get enough of this site, especially since Mizzou has joined the SEC. So anyway, recently I met a girl on Tinder. We talked for about two days and then decided to meet in person. She was around a 6 on her Tinder profile, but a solid 1.5 in person. Not only was she struggling on the looks side, but she had a very weird personality. My question to you is what is the best way to get out of a catfish situation like this? Is going by the book and having one of your buddies call you for an "emergency" still the best way to get out of it?"

Check your phone, sigh deeply, look back up at her and say your uncle just died. (This works for both guys and girls).

It's the perfect excuse. An uncle is a close enough relative to be a big deal, but not a close enough relative that you feel that bad lying about it. Plus, in a new date situation she or he has no idea how many uncles you actually have. 

Trust me, just kill off all your uncles.  

This week's podcast features radio show host, columnist and author Paul Finebaum, who's covered the nation's toughest conference for more than 30 years.