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I have drastically underrated the stupidity of West Virginia fans.
I mean, their collective idiocy is mind-boggling, like the reverse Manhattan project. I’ve never done two mailbags in the same day, but these West Virginia emails and Tweets are so astoundingly amazing that I want them to stand alone and be marveled at, like a great work of art in the Louvre.
It takes a particular kind of dumb to even be able to come up with these emails and Tweets. They’re so illogical and harebrained and conspiracy laden it’s a wonder anyone ever comes out of West Virginia alive. Or with a GED.
Without further ado, here’s the West Virginia hate mail:
Shelly Phillips writes:
“Sent from my iPad. Asshole. That’s what you are, you ignorant stupid dumb ass!!!! You have electric because of West Virginia so your wrong about Walmart being our main employment venue. Get a real job and work hard instead of sitting behind your computer judging good hard working individual!!! Come visit West Virginia or you too scared you city slicker!!!! Find some religion and quit judging others because you think our so smart!!!
That email really happened.
I got called a city slicker by a woman who writes emails after the sent from signature on her iPad.
It just gets better from here.
Jerry Reger writes:
“Subject: You are not smart enough to generalize, putz
You are probably a Democrat and it was the Dems that screwed up the state.”
The level of hypocrisy per word in this email may have set an Internet record.
“J. Nicholas writes:
I have a tip for you, FIRE your dumbass columnist Clay Travis. He is a disgrace to journalism and I hope he does in a fucking car crash. Your site is full of shitty writing and I’ll make sure you receive the most nasty and hated criticisms. I hope you all burn in hell.”
If I does in a fucking car crash, God hates me.
But if God really hates me he’ll send me to burn in hell with West Virginia fans.
“Clay Travis should be reconsidered as a journalist. His article on the wvu fanbase is completely out of line and on the edge of racist. I read his blog and I was shocked that you would allow him to post something so inconceivably incorrect as this. I don’t believe he has done any research what so ever and that is not what journalism is. He is a sad excuse for a journalist and if I was his employer I would strongly consider why he hired in the first place.”
The number of West Virginia fans who emailed the site to express their displeasure that Outkick the Coverage would hire me is astounding.
I emailed this guy back and told him that Outkick the Coverage was firing Clay Travis. Then I signed it, “Clay Travis, 100% owner of Outkick the Coverage.”
His world hasn’t been rocked like this since he found out Jesus didn’t speak English.
“Subject: Your racist
Would you write this about black people? I bet not. That’s why your racist.
West By God Virginia!”
The population of West Virginia is 96% white.
Clearly, I hate white people. The subtext of my entire article about how dumb West Virginia fans were, was actually: Death to whitey.
Just to allay any concerns that I might be racist towards white people, I’m also quite confident that the 4% minority population in West Virginia is also quite dumb.
How about some Tweets from West Virginia fans:
RT @dblee14: I hope you come to West Virginia and everyone tears you a new asshole.
Worst. Summer. Vacation. Ever.
RT @atombrier: YOU ARE WORTHLESS, AND I HOPE YOU GET RAPED AND MURDERED.
The amount of anal sex obsession in West Virginia is terrifying.
This guy is a father.
RT @Ravens5255: I’m going to kill you
Like that he cuts all the frills out here, just a straight death threat broadcast to hundreds of thousands of people.
RT @EERNation: u r courageous as a punk in a dick tree
A dick tree!
If there was a real life dick tree we would have never gotten that damn Kardashian reality show.
Will Barnes from Follansbee, West Virginia writes:
“Solid Hire with Clay Travis… Seriously, scroll through the section dedicated to this amateur website labeled, wait for it, wait for it… Clay’s Column. Very creative, I bet it took plenty of research and money to determine how well that name tested. Anyways, I guess that is the way “good” journalism has become. A second rate Tosh.O act. nice Mullet Clay. (Sweet name too, I’m sure that’s not your real name but your “Journalist” name because you jerk off to Sons of Anarchy. Go Mountaineers!! Most people from West Virginia, though a little slower and more easy going, are the most genuine folks you’d ever meet. Obviously you’ve never been there or you would probably have some nicer things to say. Even if everything in that article is true, which most of it is, it doesn’t take away from how genuine the poeple are. I’m sure Tennessee is quite the gem, Clay (you’re so hip and progressive I be you’re V-Neck is proud). Regardless, not that I think your opinion matters by any means and I’m sure you’re going to boast about how many comments you got on your column, Print it out, hang it on your fridge. Nice Mullet. Its just sad that an individual like yourself who claims to be so knowledgeable about sports. Nice Mullet. Ranks #1 on the Dumbest “Journalist” List. Use your skills for the better and maybe you’ll get comments about how insightful you were and jerk off to those instead. Nice Mullet, Go Mountaineers!”
Some of these emails are borderline unintelligible in their stream of consciousness.
It’s like Benjy from “The Sound and the Fury,” got email and became a huge West Virginia fan.
“I can’t wait for you to get hit by a bus.”
Lots of the emails were really succinct in their wishes for me to die.
This was my favorite.
You’ll notice I barely responded to these emails because, in their own way, they are works of art.
I mean, when you’re standing beneath the Sistine Chapel do you really need to comment on how astounding it is?
Works of genius are like this, totally and completely mesmerizing.
Which is why every single one of you just finished this mailbag and will immediately return to the top and reread all of these.
If you ever questioned which state is the dumbest and the least educated just read my Twitter mentions.