All That and a Bag of Mail: We Need Conference Challenges in CFB

 

I think you’d have to have Alabama play Texas or Oklahoma for a premium broadcast and my inclination would only be to have the top ten teams play in this challenge.

 

So I’d either use last year’s rankings or take the projected top ten from the SEC and slot them for the best match-ups.

 

But your idea is a good one, particularly as we move into a playoff era.

 

How awesome would an SEC vs. Big Ten 1-14 be? You could also do the Pac 12 vs. the top 12 in the SEC or the SEC vs. the ACC 1-14 (of course lots of these ACC vs. SEC games happen anyway. Just off the top of my head you’ve got seven ACC vs. SEC games this year: South Carolina vs. North Carolina, Florida vs. Florida State, Georgia vs. Georgia Tech, South Carolina vs. Clemson, Kentucky vs. Louisville (a year early, but still), Clemson vs. Georgia, Vanderbilt vs. Wake Forest.

 

With all the talk about increasing the quality of out-of-conference schedules, I’m surprised this isn’t happening.

 

It would be a ratings bonanza.

 

My idea has always been to play it on the opening weekend of the college football season and start the games on Thursday night.

 

So you could go with two games on Thursday night, two on Friday night, six on Saturday, three on Sunday and then close it out with the best game of the challenge on Monday Labor Day night.

 

Since the NFL hasn’t started yet college football could completely take over the sporting calendar. Plus, can you can imagine the months of trash talk that would precede an SEC vs. Big Ten 1-14 challenge?

 

Basically, I think this is a brilliant idea whose time has come.

 

 

PEDs make a tremendous difference for the average athlete.

 

I know this because during my final year of law school a couple of my friends went on steroids. Really, they did.

 

They were guys in decent shape — they worked out a few times a week at the gym like most of us — who immediately skyrocketed in athleticism. In particular, one of the guys got so strong so fast that he was doing sets of twenty dips with double 45s on the belt around his waist. That’s pretty freakish for a random guy in the Vanderbilt student gym to be pulling off. People used to stand around and gawk.

 

This is one of the things I’d actually like to see — a regular guy uses whatever PEDs he can and tracks his body development on a website. I think you’d be blown away by the results. Because when you really think about it, superior athletes are already in the 99th percentile of athleticism. Their ability to take their bodies to the next level makes them superhuman, but how many people are they surging past in the overall athlete rankings? Not many. They’re already extreme outliers. 

 

But your average athlete would skyrocket from the 50th percentile to the 65 or 70th or 80th percentile really fast. In terms of just raw strength, it’s an enormous impact in the gym.

 

Averageathletetakessteroids.com would be a huge viral hit.

 

Never show your face and just track all your progress on the best PEDs in the world for six months.

 

I think you’d be blown away by the results.  

 

Someone needs to do this. 

 

For science. (And backne and dumb girls). 

 

 

I love the idea of talking college sports trash with an audience that has absolutely no interest in college football for an award that has nothing to do with sports. 

Because it’s so profoundly awkward. 

Imagine if you’d gone with, “Okay, guys, say it with me, SEC, SEC, SEC,” would there have been complete silence?

Or would Harvard’s Moldovan expert on valence bond theory have started chanted it in horribly accented English? “S, E, and the C, S, E, and the C, S, E, and the C…”

This segues perfectly into another mailbag question:

Andrew M. writes:

As a general rule, if your average Alabama fan does it, it’s probably wrong. This is particularly the case when it’s done without irony for a minor accomplishment. I mean, the game of Jenga has to end by the tower falling, right? It’s inevitable. Is it really that much of an accomplishment to not knock over the tower given that when you start playing you’re aware that someone has to do it or else the game would never end? Given that most eight to ten year olds don’t have an ironic sense of humor developed, it’s likely that this 8-10 year old Bama fan was playing with other 8-10 year old Bama fans and legitimately celebrating. Which means he was taunting them with the same taunt that they’d use on him if he lost.

Now, if you’re a reasonably intelligent Alabama fan — okay, work with me here, they do exist — and you have friends who aren’t Bama fans, it would be ironically funny if after minor victories you started saying Roll Tide. Example, you’re at Cracker Barrel and beat your seat companion in the jumping pegs game.

Dropping a “Roll Tide,” here would be okay.

But that’s being done in a knowingly ironic fashion. i.e., you know how ridiculous it is to do and do it anyway to make fun of the Bama fans who would do it for real.  

I think it would be even funnier, however, if SEC fans took back the Roll Tide cheer and started making fun of Alabama fans by doing it every time we screwed up.

Accidentally spill ketchup on yourself, “Roll Tide.” Fail your GED test for the ninth straight time? “Roll Tide.”

Kenny writes: 

“Today I have a job interview at the company I currently work for. I’m interning at the company right now and the interview is with my current boss, but for a different, full time position. Long story short, I found myself on a party bus to a concert last night with a bunch of my buddies (I’m an idiot I know). I figured I would go, have a beer or two, and be sleeping by midnight since the concert was less than an hour away.  Well, I didn’t know until halfway there that almost everyone else on the bus had today off so the plan was to go where the road took us and drink until the sun came up. So, like an idiot, I went along with it and got about two hours of sleep after countless beers, vodka/redbulls, and shots. I’m sitting at my desk right now with the shakes still feeling pretty drunk and I’m scared that people can still smell booze on me.  What would you do in this situation? This interview has been scheduled for over a month. Do I try to come up with something so that we have to reschedue or do I risk not being at my best and just go ahead with my interview? Interview isn’t until 4:00 today and I’d love to get your advice.”

Okay, it’s not yet noon. At lunch, take an hour off, go home, eat something substantial to get your stomach grounded, lay down for a thirty minute power nap — set an alarm — and then when you wake up reshower. Change your clothes if you can do so without being conspicuous. If you can’t do that, keep the same clothes on.

That should kill any lingering alcohol scent and get you back in fighting shape. 

Don’t reschedule the interview because that raises way too many flags. I’m not sure which job you’re interviewing for, but you’re an intern. You’re not interviewing to be director of the CIA. I’m pretty sure you can handle all the questions no matter what you did the night before.  

Everyone who has ever worked in an office will completely agree with this — you’re going to be faking your ass off at your job a ton. “I love to work here.” “If (insert company) doesn’t succeed, I won’t be able to sleep at night.”

Working in a corporate office is just one lie after another. 

You might as well start now.

Good luck.  

 

This is not too nerdy because my wife and I have talked about this as well.

 

The voice disguise is definitely necessary.

 

But don’t you think with modern technology that the police could match the part of Batman’s face that’s visible beneath his mask to every face in Gotham City and identify him? I mean, his jawline is pretty recognizable, right? His height and weight are pretty easy to determine. You can narrow down the potential Batman’s pretty fast. If the police really wanted to know it was Bruce Wayne, it’s an easy call. 

 

And don’t even get me started on the Gotham city press — which is always deciding that Batman is good or bad to sell more newspapers and increase television ratings — wouldn’t they be able to come up with a list of twenty potential Batman’s? How many people in Gotham City can afford a helicopter or the batmobile? How many are taller than six foot and in great shape?

 

That’s my biggest issue — the voice disguise is necessary — but everyone would know who Batman is.  

 

As for the voice — I’ve also spent an embarrassing amount of time thinking about Batman’s voice — my focus has always been on how much doing the Christian Bale Batman voice would hurt my own vocal chords. Try to do your Batman voice. Okay, now picture that you have to do it for hundreds of different scenes a day for several months. 

 

I have no idea how Bale’s vocal chords survive. 

 

 

I really don’t see the point of either a guy or girl having a serious relationship in college. You idiots having serious relationships in high school are just foolish. Really? You’re 14 or 15 and you need a boyfriend or girlfriend? Stop. You don’t. Not at all. Just hang out with your friends and worry about yourself. The same is true for college. College is the only time in your life you will be surrounded by smart people who you can hang out with all hours of the day or night. 

 

Decide you want to play a pick-up football or basketball game?

 

It takes like ten minutes to organize one. 

 

Try that once you’re out of college or grad school. 

 

It’s nearly impossible. 

 

Try it after you have kids. 

 

It’s completely and totally impossible. 

 

If you get engaged while you’re in college — and she isn’t pregnant — what’s the big rush? (If you say so we can have sex, just have sex before you get married. I promise god won’t strike you down. If He did, 99% of us would be dead.)

 

My favorite people are the ones who are like 22 and in couples counseling. (These people exist, really, they do.) Couples counseling! Here’s my couples counseling idea for both of you that won’t cost a dollar — break up. You’re trying way too hard here. If you have to go to couples counseling in your early twenties it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either of you, just that you’re with the wrong person. Plus, what great relationship are you trying to save here?

 

“But we’ve been together since we were 19!” wails the girl.

 

Yeah, that’s three years.

 

Big f’ing deal. 

 

I’ve got eight year old underwear and twenty year old t-shirts. (This is a real sore point for my wife). Your three years together doesn’t really impress me. Your relationship is the same length of time that Tyler Bray started at quarterback for Tennessee. How will the world stop turning if you guys are no longer together? You’ve been together since before NewsRoom even started!

Please. 

 

I agree completely with your no one should get married before the age of 25 rule. 

 

It’s a proven fact that the older you are when you get married the first time the less likely you are to get divorced. This makes complete sense. Most people have relationship issues because they think the other person should make them happy. That’s impossible. If you’re not happy before you meet your partner, you’re not going to be happy after either.  

 

Also, PSA, if you’re reading this and your marriage sucks and you don’t have kids yet, just get divorced. Kids will not make your relationship easier. Getting divorced before you have kids isn’t really that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, it’s like a do-over in elementary school kickball.

 

Everybody forgets about it pretty quickly and it ends up benefiting the overall game of life.  

 

 

There is no correct way to potty train. 

 

It’s as close to chemical warfare as most of us will ever reach. 

 

My boys love to pee outside. (So do I, but I try to limit my outdoor peeing to at night in my backyard and anywhere on a golf course during the day). The issue we have now is how old do you have to be when peeing outside goes from acceptable behavior to unacceptable behavior. For instance, my five year old — he’ll be six at the end of January — has no issues whatsoever with pulling down his pants and peeing in front of a large group of people. 

 

Last year I threw out the first pitch at the Sounds game and he had to pee. 

 

He wanted to go on the field. (Can you imagine the ESPN outrage if Yasiel Puig caught a foul ball for the second out and then called timeout to pee in the outfield grass?)

 

He’s still young enough to get away with this now, but at some point, say six or seven, people start to wonder. And, go figure, everyone thinks it’s cute when a four year old pees at a playground, but a 34 year old does it and he goes to jail. Talk about a double standard.  

 

Anyway, last month my two-year old pooed on the indoor McDonald’s playground. I wasn’t there, but my wife said it was unfortunate because the poo actually came out of his underwear and landed on the ground. She grabbed it from the floor and then cleaned up the spot, but it was a near disaster. She actually uttered the words, “Thank god it was just a poo log.”

 

The worst parenting poo disaster I think can of is being the parent of the kid whose kid poos in the pool and shuts it down for hours for chemical treatment. 

 

So far this hasn’t happened to us, but I’d imagine that’s pretty mortifying. 

 

I mean, they have to bring in the hazmat team to shock the pool. It’s like a CSI episode. This is pretty much the worst thing a two year old can do, like being a toddler serial killer.  

 

So I think you just have to accept that your kid will poo in public and hope it’s not in the pool, which would be parental disaster. Unless, of course, you have multiple kids. You can tell the parents who have multiple kids at the pool because we’re always like, “Are you sure the entire pool has to get cleaned out for one poo log? Can I sign a consent form to let me kids keep swimming? I think they’ll be fine. I’ll take another margarita too.”

 

By the way, here’s a potty-training tip — don’t try and save your kid’s underwear when he poos in them. Just throw the underwear away. What do kid’s Batman underwear cost, like fifty cents? I tried to clean those things in the sink once and it was a complete disaster. I was doing my Christian Bale Batman voice to distract myself from throwing up, “The poooooo, it stinksssss.”

 

Then I’m thinking, these are fifty cent underwear, just bag them and toss them outside. We’ve been throwing away diapers that cost a quarter or more for years and suddenly I’m cleaning out poo underwear to save a quarter?

 

No thank you.  

 

 

 

 

After reading about the sorority catfight beatdown she delivered and knowing her bloodlines, I’m pretty convinced that Saban’s daughter is basically Keri Russell’s character in “The Americans.” She might be able to beat Manziel’s ass by herself.

 

If Johnny hooked up with Saban’s daughter I would completely and totally assume that this was part of Alabama’s master plan to win on September 14th. And every single one of you reading this right now would too. I’m not sure what she would do to him, but I would see it as a KGB-esque Cold War plot all planned and executed by the Saban family. What if Saban’s daughter got Manziel to fall in love with her — this is assuming that Manziel was capable of falling in love with one girl ever — and then broke up with him the night before the game via a series of crushing texts? What if she became incredibly controlling and burned his Scooby Doo costume, thereby destroying all of the magical mojo that Johnny Football has had since he wore that costume for Halloween?

 

Of course, Saban said at SEC media days that he can’t control his daughter at all. (Is that a clever ploy to fool Manziel). Which is great. Because kids don’t care what their dads or moms do for a living. Barack Obama’s got two daughters who don’t care at all that he’s President. Prom season will be coming up for both girls soon and he’ll hate whichever guys take them to prom. That’s because he was a teenage boy. 

 

Obama will be thinking, “The entire country trusts me not to blow up the entire world in ten minutes, but if I tell Sasha or Malia I don’t like their boyfriend, they’re going to keep dating him just to spite me.”

 

I guarantee this. 

 

Anyway, can you think of a more unexpected relationship than Saban’s daughter dating Manziel? What if she really liked him and showed up in the stadium in an Aggie #2 jersey? Can you imagine the media asking Saban about his daughter dating Manziel during game week? Would Saban’s head explode? Would he choke the media member to death who asked about it? Since that media member would clearly be me, could my family recover any civil damages in a wrongful death lawsuit if Saban choked me to death in Alabama? 

 

Conversely, what if Johnny Football hooked up with Saban’s daughter just because he thought it was the only way to distract Saban from his maniacal hundreds of hours of football tape viewing?

 

This needs to happen just so we can all deconstruct the possibilities.  

 

 

The UAE has nearly five million people.

 

So that’s basically the population of Alabama.

 

I have zero doubt that the best high school basketball team in Alabama could beat them.  

 

Just about every D3 team would, every major state championship team would beat them as well. 

 

…

 

Have great weekends. 

 

I’m off to watch a matinee version of Turbo with my five and two year olds. 

 

I’m just hoping they don’t both decide they have to poo at the exact same moment.