All That and a Bag of Mail: SEC Title Game Edition

I apologize for the mailbag being late today, but I've been down in Atlanta running around at all the SEC title game events. 

But because I know many of you don't feel comfortable rolling into the weekend without the mailbag here we go. 

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Auburn's Chris Davis. 

Because, you know, he just pulled off the most amazing play in college football history. 

Eric H. writes:

"Clay, I know you will not answer my question because it is regarding the Big Ten Championship game but I am asking it anyways. On Saturday night my wife and I are participating in a progressive dinner, you know one of those things where you bring food and travel to other's houses to eat it (I don't get it). We couldn't say no but both knew of the game that night, both of us are Buckeye fans that don't miss a game.

We were banking on the fact we could watch the game at the last house we were going to be at but we just found out last night this house does not have cable. What is our excuse to leave so we can go watch the game?"

Every single man who just read this email is now swearing he's never getting married. 

A progressive dinner? On championship Saturday?

I can't think of very many things I would least rather do.

Welcome to marriage, guys, you trade hanging at the bars with guys to walking around at dinner parties in awkward sweaters and shoes that are uncomfortable.

Plus, you have to tour everyone's house. 

"Oh, your window treatments look so nice!"

Every compliment that your wife makes about someone else's house, deep down, is just a public attempt to force you to spend more money on your own house. 

"Oh, your closet is amazing! Look at all this room! Your porch is covered!"

We've lived in our house for five years and I'm convinced that one day I'm going to come home and see my wife driving a bulldozer with one side of our house not there anymore. 

Plus, do women even want to host progressive dinners? This way instead of just the dinner party host having to ruin her Friday night cleaning the house like a mad woman, everyone has to ruin their Friday nights. Sure, you're a couple and you're supposed to do your fair share of cleaning work too, but inevitably you're going to do it all wrong -- i.e. not up to her standards so she's going to have to follow around behind you fixing your mistakes. 

Finally, ending at a house without cable is the most awful ending possible.

Does anyone else get angry when people say they don't have cable? It just screams I'm trying too hard to be a show-off hipster. "We don't watch TV. Or sports on TV. We just listen to NPR, knit our own cardigans for fun, and till our urban garden on the weekend. When you see those indigent children carrying away tomatoes and carrots, it's just so fulfilling."

Shut up.

I hate you.

Get cable. 

The easy answer here is that one of you claims to be feeling sick. Make it clear that it wasn't the food.

(I should also point out that the Big Ten title game is on Fox, so you don't have to actually have cable).

Brandon T. writes:

Clay,
The ending to the Alabama-Auburn game was the single best ending to a college football game ever. What made it even better was seeing all of the Alabama fan's faces and tweets after the game. As Saban and Gus walked to midfield after the game, I found myself wishing that after the handshake, Saban would rip off his Alabama polo (Hulk Hogan style) and be wearing a Texas cutoff t shirt under and proceed to flip off the cameras and the entire state of Alabama. My question is what kind of reaction would this have brought about? Would Alabama fans have citizen's arrested him for treason? Would any cattle in the state of Texas be safe from Harvey Updyke's rage? Would this be the action that single handedly broke the internet? Or would the world simply implode? Would love to hear your take on it. 

If Saban goes to Texas, Alabama will come undone. 

I mean, really, it will. 

But if Saban went WWE style on his departure, it would be even better. 

Like what if he grabbed the mic after Alabama crushes whatever Big Ten team they draw in the bowl game and said, "All you hillbilly inbred losers, the reason I'm leaving is BECAUSE OF YOU. I HATE ALABAMA FANS!"

It would be 100% true and spectacular. 

Even Nick Saban hates Alabama fans. 

Natalee writes:

"What percentage of men and women under the age of 30 with smart phones do you think have sent a naked photo of themselves out?"

I think it's at least 75%.

That might even be low. 

Snapchat is worth $4 billion dollars because people are doing this in insane numbers. 

Think about this, we've created billionaires because they've perfected a way to send naked pictures. 

I have two boys who are five and three years old and I can't even imagine what technology is going to be like by the time they get to college. 

To be honest, I'm incredibly jealous. 

In fact, if you want to get a group of dads engaged at the progressive dinner party -- and they're willing to be completely honest and they don't suck -- ask them how jealous they are of the next generation of kids.

We used to work our asses off to see bare boobs in a magazine, now they're everywhere. 

Also, how long do you think it will be before a presidential candidate has a naked selfie from the bathroom mirror?

Is there any doubt that Bill Clinton would have like 100 naked selfies out there floating around if we'd had the same technology we do now when he was in college?

Clinton's clearly number one, but which president do you think is number two on the most likely to take a naked photo of himself in front of the bathroom mirror?

I need to do a list next week ranking the likelihood that president's would have taken naked photos. 

How much different would our impression of Abraham Lincoln be if instead of those grizzled tin-type Civil War photos if he was snapping full frontal shots as a teenager to pick up chicks? 

Andrew writes:

"Clay I'm worried about the status of my relationship after this weekend. See I'm almost 30 and I went to Mizzou and never could I imagine us in the SEC title game playing for a shot at the championship. This being the case many members of our group are getting together to watch both the Mizzou and OSU games and I imagine the night will continue from there. Significant others will be allowed to join but I'm worried because mine has never seen me or my friends in "college party mode." There is no doubt regardless of the outcome of the games we will be highly intoxicated bordering on blackout. Do I get a pass for my actions that night due to the circumstances? Is there any chance I don't do irreparable damage? What should I do?"

You need to formulate a plan before you get too drunk.

I'd suggest sending her home before things get too wild with the party. 

As women age and mature they like to pretend that the men they're with have also aged and matured. 

Often, we have not.

They need to believe that we've aged and matured because they want to have children with us and they are terrified that they are with an immature imbecile.

Often, they are.

Especially when favorite sports teams are involved.  

So allow her to gracefully exit. 

If you want to be really conniving, sign up her up for a morning pilates or yoga or hot yoga or whatever health class she likes that you otherwise don't know exists. 

Then she won't want to stay out too late with you because of the early morning class and you get credit for being thoughtful. 

Brice writes:

"This scenario has been an ongoing debate between my buddy and I. He claims that he thinks the Katherine Webb - AJ McCarron relationship is a sham. His stance is that he thinks the Webb family approached the McCarron family with a proposition of a faux relationship to garner attention to jumpstart Katherine Webb's modeling/acting career. Is this even possible or worth considering? I mean how much money are we talking for something this ridiculous to happen? $50,000?

And taking it even further, did Brent Musberger and the ESPN camera crew get in on the action to make a scene about it during the National Championship game? Has anything like this ever happened before?

I tell my friend he is crazy and that this is a farfetched scenario, but in the back of my mind I'm starting to think there is a very small chance this could happen someday. I figured you were the best gay Muslim to ask on the subject. I consider you a Katherine Webb - AJ McCarron expert."

It's a brilliant scheme, but it requires far too many leaps of logic to make sense. 

Is it possible that Webb's attracted to AJ because he's the star quarterback of a major college football team?

Uh, yes. 

Do we think she'd date him if, say, he was the exact same person, but he happened to play on Alabama's soccer team instead?

No way. 

But Webb didn't get famous because she dated AJ, she got famous because she dated AJ and he played in the BCS title game and Brent Musburger gushed about her while she was on television and the game was a blowout.

If the game had been good, Webb would have been an afterthought, famous on the Internet but not really leaping into the mainstream.

Instead, no one else had anything to write about and Webb got famous.  

Zack H. writes:

"Hey Clay,

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas the other day. Couldn't really think of anything I needed so I said get me tickets to Justin Timberlake in New Orleans in August. She replied, "What? You're a guy why do you want that for Christmas?" I replied, I like his music and he is really talented. Is she right, should I question my manhood or should I be ok with that choice of a Christmas gift?

P.S. How many people will die today due to the ice/snow? Thanks."

Agree with her that your request was too feminine. 

Tell her that you've reconsidered and that what you really want for Christmas is she and her best friend in a threesome. 

Then the Justin Timberlake concert will look like a great deal for her. 

And, no, you've done nothing wrong. 

As for the death toll, it will measure in the millions.

Indeed, for many of you in the South, this is probably the last thing you'll ever read.  

(Okay, now for two serious Jameis Winston questions).

Michael F. writes:

"Clay,

Do you think the decision not to file charges against Jameis Winston would have been different had this occurred 40 years ago? Of course, 50 or 60 years ago, there would probably have been extrajudicial proceedings in all likelihood as Leon County is pretty close to LA (lower Alabama). This case may be a good example of the progress that has been made."

If you doubt the journey that our country has taken on civil rights, this Jameis Winston case is a good marker. 

This past summer I read, "Devil in the Grove," about Thurgood Marshall's advocacy of four young black men who were accused of raping a white woman in rural Florida. 

If you have any interest in Southern history -- or legal history -- you need to read this book. 

None of the four men had anything to do with the rape. 

Indeed, the rape was entirely made up. 

I don't want to give away the story, but suffice it to say that merely being black and being accused of raping a white woman was enough to be guilty. 

Sixty years later, another black man was accused of raping another white woman in a Florida town, and white people, the same white people whose grandfathers were willing to lynch black men based on the mere accusation of a rape fifty years ago, were falling all over themselves to argue that the white girl made it all up.

Not only that, but after an investigation finds there isn't sufficient evidence to charge Winston, six white kids show up with JAMEIS painted on their chests. 

Really.

Now you can argue that these people are only giving the benefit of the doubt to a black quarterback because he happens to be good at playing for their favorite team, but I think it's also evidence of a massive societal change. 

Again, I'd encourage you to read the book. 

I kept thinking about it quite a bit throughout this investigation. 

David W. writes:

"What the investigation told us is perhaps even more troubling than the alleged crime itself and paints a damning picture of our society's view of athletes. Regardless of the truth of the allegations, one thing is clear: Jameis Winston could get away with rape in Tallahassee. Whether he did or not is irrelevant at this point, but what Meggs showed is that Winston's actions where never going to have any repercussions. Look at affidavits, purporting to clear Winston of wrongdoing. Any DA worth their salt would tear these witnesses apart. Mr. Witness, you are roommates with Winston? Friends with Winston? You are a Florida State Football player? Your goal is to play in the NFL one day? You have been playing football since you were 8 years old? You spend countless hours practicing? You have spent years doing this? You have put blood sweat and tears into this sport have you not? This is your life isn't it? The football team is your family? You would do anything to help your football team? Those men out there are your brothers aren't they? Jameis Winston isn't only a friend to you is he? He's the leader of your team, he's like a brother to you isn't he? You would put your body on the line in a game to block for Winston wouldn't you? Even if it meant you take a hard shot? And you said you would do anything you could to help your team correct? And Winston is the most important player on your team?...... It goes on and on. The Vanderbilt case provides a chilling example of the willingness of teammates and friends to cover up evidence, much less lie. Even if the witnesses had seen what they claim, how would they know whether the act was consensual? Most people erroneously believe that if a victim isn't fighting tooth and nail, screaming at the top of her lungs for help then the act must be consensual. Anyone familiar with these types of cases knows this is hardly ever the case.

The parallels between Winston's teammates aiding in the cover up and the State's Attorney's office helping cover the tracks of the Tallahassee police force are striking. The Tallahassee PD utterly failed to investigate this case; Leaked reports to WInston's attorney, no DNA testing, failed to divulge the investigation to the State's Attorney until nearly 10 months after the alleged victim came forward? People should be fired. Everyone in the police department who touched this investigation should be fired. Yet, the State's Attorney, who works with the Police Department every day, relies on the Police to testify in court and convict, partners with the police, and serves as a teammate to the Police, acted to absolve the most culpable party in this entire mess. The State's Attorney tried to cover for their teammates, even at the expense of justice. I don't know if Winston did it. I do know as a defense attorney that the PD's lack of investigation would make my job a helluva lot easier. I also know that a regular guy, met with the same allegations would have been charged a long time ago. Lastly, the one party we know to be guilty, the Tallahassee PD, is going to walk."

There's no doubt that the affidavits are incredibly weak evidence. 

I wrote my opinion on the case yesterday, which you can read here. 

In summation, I think there's no doubt that this girl believes she was raped. What motive would she have for lying? Winston also, probably, does not believe he raped her.