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All That and a Bag of Mail: SEC Bachelor Party Edition

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SEC Media Days has officially just closed out here in Hoover and I’m now writing this as I fly from Birmingham to Las Vegas for one of my good friend’s bachelor parties. Already, it’s a great trip. Southwest now has WIFI, which is akin to your grandfather’s rustic mountain cabin having a 70 inch HD television with every channel. I’m still in awe. This means I can file the mailbag a day early and focus on making my futures wagers tomorrow in Vegas.

Anyway, as we taxied down the runway to take off the Alabama fans on the plane did a Roll Tide cheer.

That really happened.

Right now the guy sitting next to me, a huge Bama fan headed out for a bachelor party, is making me a bit uncomfortable. Why? Because he hopped on a four hour flight with nothing to read at all. (Yes, I believe he can read, although I’m not 100% sure, he is a Bama fan.) 

Who does this though? Can you imagine getting on a four hour flight with nothing? He’s in the center seat right now staring straight ahead at the seat back.

@dayviswilliams Tweets:

What SEC coach do you think would be the most fun at a bachelor party?

I love when we begin the mailbag with a brilliant question.

I don’t think there’s any doubt, that Les Miles has to be the top pick in a bachelor party draft. None of y’all doubt this either. Spurred on by this brilliant question, here is my SEC coach’s bachelor party draft rankings:

1. Les Miles

I mean, an absolute no brainer.

Can you imagine Miles about eight beers deep? What he would say, what he’d be willing to do? I’m all in on Les.

2. Steve Spurrier

The classic rich old guy at the bachelor party. I feel like Spurrier would be great at negotiating with strippers. And you know the guy is taking risks, he invented the fun and gun offense for god’s sake.

3. John L. Smith

John L. would go to the strip club in athletic shorts.

Then his credit card would get declined.

4. James Franklin

He’s actually coming to the bachelor party.

5. Gary Pinkel

If he’s willing to drink jumbo glasses of wine in Columbia, what’s he willing to do at an actual bachelor party in Vegas?

6. Dan Mullen

Trust me.

7. Hugh Freeze

I don’t know anything at all about Hugh Freeze. But he’s gone from a high school coach to an SEC head coach in five years. He has to be one hell of a talker.

8. Kevin Sumlin

He’d wear a cowboy hat to Tao and say, “Howdy,” when the cocktail waitress took our order. She’d fall in love with him immediately.   

9. Derek Dooley

Saban disciple.

10. Will Muschamp

Saban disciple.

11. Joker Phillips

Joker has to be at the bottom of any SEC coach rankings list. It just feels right.

12. Gene Chizik

The best thing about Chizik at a bachelor party would be seeing what he’d wear. The worst thing about Chizik at a bachelor party would be that he’d actually be there.

13. Mark Richt

If Richt brings the players he’s kicked off the team then he skyrockets to the top of the list. Otherwise, he’d insist that you go to church in Las Vegas.  

14. Nick Saban

The process of a bachelor party with Nick Saban would be terrifyingly intense. Plus, I feel like Saban would stay in the hotel room and break down game film while everyone else went to the pool. He’d schedule 28 minutes at the steak house and when you took him to the strip club you’d find him trying to hardwire the strip club security cam feeds so he could watch Missouri’s game against Kansas State in 2004.  

As for who would be best at a bachelorette party, I’m going with Steve Spurrier. Because I think he probably wears around those penis straw hats all the time.

(By the way, James Franklin isn’t going to the bachelor party, but I just thought it would get some of y’all riled up.

My wife, @laratravis has joined Twitter and sends along this question, making her debut in the mailbag:

“How old is too old to be going to Vegas for a bachelor party?”

There is no doubt in my mind that this is a clear shot at me.

So I outsourced this one to Vegas experts Spencer Hall at EDSBS.com and Holly Anderson at SI.com.

Their response was immediate and emphatic: There is no age that is too old to have a Vegas bachelor party. Before they answered this question, I was inclined to think there was an age limit, but then I realized that Vegas appeals to all ages. That’s its genius.

Plus, if you start limiting the ages, is a guy who holds out until he’s 38 not able to take his friends to celebrate? That seems unfair. What if one of your friends waits until he’s 48 to get married, 58? Now, what he wants to do at the bachelor party may change, but you can’t discriminate based solely on age.

@ryan_mcmaster writes:

“How do you address cheap friends that won’t step up and go to vegas? My bachelor party is nearing (mid Sept).”

Are they just cheap or do they just not have the money yet? If it’s just cheap, you bully him until he agrees. (Blackmail is often effective in this regard). If he actually doesn’t have the money — and you do — I think you have to offer to cover the expenses he’s not comfortable with. My rationale on this is simple:

1. Money comes and goes. Chances are your buddy will hook you up in a big way when you’re forty.

2. Friends after the age of thirty are really tough to make.

3. You’re probably going to waste your money if you’re in your twenties anyway and you’re certainly going to waste your money if you’re in your twenties and at a Vegas bachelor party.

But so what?

The older you get the better this bachelor party will become in your memory. I had my Vegas bachelor party when I was 25. I’d never been to Vegas before and none of us had any money. I took a flight from St. Thomas, where I’d just finished the bar exam, all the way across the country to Las Vegas. I literally walked out of the bar exam and hopped a flight. Is there a better time to be heading to Vegas? You’ve spent all summer busting your ass on the multi-state and then…sweet release.

Anyway, it was awesome, just so much fun.

So if you have a choice, do it. And if you happen to have more money than a buddy right now, front him. He’ll be good for it somewhere down the line.

Hopefully.

@jonanderson01 asks:

What was the best quote you heard during media days? Pick any player, coach, or official.

Here’s my top five quotes from the week:

1. John L. Smith: “Get your piss hot.” (This sounds like the worst possible result of a bachelor party by the way. Well, that and a love child with a Latvian stripper.)

2. Derek Dooley: “You’re not going to have Tennessee to kick around anymore.”

3. Mike Slive: “No one program, no one person, no matter how popular, no matter how successful, can be allowed to derail the soul of an institution.”

4. Les Miles: “I can tell you that no game is won on a Twitter page. It’s a nice, pleasant pasttime, much like media days.”

5. James Franklin: “It was great talking to my mother and father in law at SEC meetings, I am glad they are Vandy fans even if their child likes that other team.”

Franklin’s quote, by the way, was Tweeted out last night and is in reference to our Wikipedia marriage. If you read and enjoy OKTC, I’m telling you there is a 100% chance that you would love James Franklin if you met him. The guy is legitimately funny, not just coach funny. But you expect to hear that from me, it’s why we got married on the Internet.

@tommybrooker:

Bachelor party in New Orleans, good or bad idea?

Great idea.

New Orleans is one of the top bachelor party cities in the country and you can get there pretty cheaply from most of the South. I know sometimes Vegas isn’t going to work given the time and cost angles for those of you not on the West Coast so you need to have a collection of cities that could work.

So I’d pick one of these eight cities:

1. Las Vegas

2. New Orleans

3. Chicago

4. Miami

5. San Diego 

6. Nashville

7. San Juan, Puerto Rico

8. Charleston

Choose wisely. And If it seems like my list is Southern biased, that’s because it is.   

@stlouis0 what would you call the reality show of Saban/Miles/Spurrier/JohnLSmith living together? – what would happen on the show?

I’d call it Heaven.

More likely, 4th and 4 and the premise would be whoever stays in the house longest, wins. All four men would understand the rules except for Miles, who would believe it was just a sleepover.

As for what would happen:

Nick Saban would move out during the first show saying just seven words in his confessional, “I don’t have time for this sh–.”

On episode two John L. Smith would concoct an elaborate Ponzi scheme predicated on selling kidneys in Moldova. Les Miles wouldn’t invest in John L. Smith’s Ponzi scheme because he’d keep thinking John L. was the limo driver and because he’d also keep thinking that Moldova was a chocolate and why would a chocolate ever need a kidney?

Les Miles in confessional: “I mean, since when do pieces of chocolate need kidneys? They’re too small. And they have very little money.”

Meanwhile Steve Spurrier would never wear a shirt and every time you saw him he’d be be practicing a golf swing in the background of the shot. 

By episode four Spurrier, who would promise to invest in the Ponzi scheme but never give any money, would have left for a tee time and never come back and Les Miles and John L. Smith would be sneaking out of the bedrooms to watch Cinemax late night porn. 

By episode five John L. Smith would be arrested for attempting to traffic in stolen organs and Les Miles would be left alone in the house. Which would win him the house, valued at $5.4 million dollars. 

In his final confessional Miles would say: “I can’t believe the limo driver left before the contest was even over! What a hoot that guy was.”  

@rjochoa tweets:

“Hottest girl on Friday Night Lights? I’m going Julie.”

You’re a fool. It’s either Tami Taylor/Connie Britton or Lyla Garrity/Minka Kelly.

Any other opinion is absolutely indefensible.

Speaking of which, Tami Taylor is literally filming her new television show, “Nashville,” in my neighborhood. I’m like a quarter of a mile from the soundstage. As if that wasn’t enough, they filmed scenes for the show at our radio station recently. Now I’m daydreaming that the producers are going to see my star turn in Season 2 of “Blue Mountain State” and give me a role on a future episode. If I get to do this and do the weather one day in Nashville my acting bug will be sated.

Regardless there’s basically a 100% chance that Tami Taylor and I are going to be in the same place at the same time. 

I can’t tell you how giddy this makes me. 

If Coach Taylor is there too, I’m going to lose it.  

Happy early Friday. Wish me luck on the tables and with the future bets.

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.