All That and a Bag of Mail: Saban to Texas Edition

Okay, it's Friday mailbag time.

And y'all have sent me so many spectacular emails this week that I think we have enough for the rest of the month.

So let's go ahead and dive right in.

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is whichever idiot got Rocky Top tattooed on his side. Judging from the infection that appears to have set in, he might now be dead.

On to the mailbag.  

Y'all sent me so many Nick Saban to Texas emails and Tweets that I could barely keep up.  

I've picked the one that sums up the question the best:

Branden W. writes:

"With the Saban to Texas news what if a bidding war were to happen between Texas and Alabama over Saban?  I've given enough to Alabama thru years of tuition but I'd certainly pony up some cash. The state of Texas could most certainly come up with more money but people in Alabama are crazy. Would people sell their house? Pets? Kids? Where does it stop? Harvey Updyke poisoned trees over a meaningless loss to Auburn. Would people die?"

I think people would certainly die. 

I'm not sure exactly how they'd die -- bar fights, drinking too much to deal with Saban's departure, domestic assaults brought on by Saban leaving, potential murder of Texas fans who happen to live in the state of Alabama -- but if Nick Saban left Alabama, I'd put the over/under for deaths resulting from Saban's departure at five. (This excludes all suicides which would probably be much higher than five).

I asked this question on Twitter, but it's one I would love to know the answer to -- namely, how much is too much for Texas or Alabama to pay Saban?

Let's say that Nick Saban made his decision completely about money. 

And he said, okay, whoever gives me the most money gets me. 

What dollar figure would cause either Texas or Alabama to push back from the table and relent? Clearly ten million dollars a year is easily reachable by both. What about fifteen million? Twenty million? Would a rich Texas booster offer Saban oil fields? Could the Alabama legislature enact a law that reimburses all Saban's taxes for the rest of his life so his take home pay is better?

What's too much to pay Saban to coach football?

After all, Saban's basically an entertainer, right? And he's the unquestioned best at what he does. If Judge Judy can make $50 million a year, Matt Lauer can make $25 million for the Today show, and Jim Rome can make over $20 million, is it really that ridiculous for Saban to make in the neighborhood of $15 or $20 million a year?

Hell, what's a national title worth to Texas? Because you know Saban would win at least one in the next five years. Probably more than one. 

I'm a markets guy so this would fascinate me, what would a public auction of Nick Saban as a football coach bring on the open market? (Also, would Congress get involved since football teams are ostensibly "non-profits?") If Texas and Alabama really started bidding against each other, I might be able to retire just off the money I'd make from this thing. 

Please let the bidding war happen.

Please.  

Ben W. writes:

My question is: is there any situation in which a guy would be able to get more free drinks bought for him than a girl would?  I say no because, even if the girl wasn’t that much better looking than the guy or there was a higher ratio of girls to guys in the bar, girls are still MUCH more likely to have drinks bought for them.  (Obviously Kliff Kingbury and Johnny Manziel are exceptions in this hypothetical)."

If you take gay bars and celebrities out of the equation then there's no way a guy would get more drinks bought for him than a girl.

Zero.

Also, you can't win a bet by discussing the fact that the bet exists. The moment that occurs, he's lost.  

Chris A. writes:

"This is a question I think you are very qualified to answer. This is also something that has bugged me for quite some time.

You get called stupid a lot. I know this because I’ve seen many of your responses on Twitter. They are mostly from people who are clearly uneducated. Misspellings, run-on sentences, and general bad grammar with a taste of simple” dumbassery” is typical in what I see in most of these tweets. You have graduated from two very respected institutions. Will there ever be a day when the most uneducated Americans realize the irony and simply stop exposing their ignorance? I love the way you respond. It is the only way to call out these people in an effective way.

Two more examples are those Americans who clearly couldn’t graduate the 7th grade but go to any and all means to call the President stupid and/or dumb on a daily basis. Also, the racist backlash to the new Miss America. She is Indian, which to some Americans mean she’s Al-Qaida and ready to blow up their church. There was also a lot of response towards her answer to her question. She was also called stupid and/or dumb. She’s going to be a doctor.

Will there ever be a time when a President or Miss America can use the “Clay Travis” approach to stupidity without any backlash? Thanks."

Here's the deal -- and I say this every few months -- the dumbest people in America are not aware of how dumb they are. They are so dumb they think they're actually the smart ones. 

Once you realize this fact, the entire universe makes much more sense. 

If you've ever doubted your own intelligence, you're probably in the top half of intelligence. If you've never doubted your own intelligence, you're almost certainly an idiot. 

Read the comments to the dumbest fan base articles. Just about every angry response justifies the premise of my article. And these are people responding under their own names and receiving positive encouragement from their Facebook friends for how smart they are at "giving it to me," and "setting me straight." These people lack the basic reading comprehension skills to even understand that the articles are satire focused on the "dumbest," "stereotypical," fan. The satire gets taken up to a whole new level when the people who are being satirized combat the satire by arguing that they're actually smart. Of course, their postings demonstrate to anyone of reasonable intelligence that they are not, in fact, smart. 

It's just a comedy pyramid.

Somehow I've managed to get rich by exposing these idiots.

I really do have the best job in America.  

Andy S. writes:

KC writes:

"Being a native Arkansan -I felt your criticisms were correct and warranted. Let's be real. It's Arkansas.

After digging through the feedback, I read comments of those passionate about the Ozarks defending AR and denying its place on your list.

My question is-do the comical reactions you receive from those on your dumbest fan bases list make you reevaluate their place on the list or is it right in line with where/why you ranked them?" 

Yes, there is no doubt that we have to have a final, revised rankings once the list is complete. 

I'm releasing numbers three, two, and one on each Tuesday of the next three weeks. 

At that point we'll have worked through the ten dumbest fan base list -- millions of people, not hyperbolic numbers, actual numbers -- will have read these articles and at that time we'll have to reassess the overall rankings.

Basically the entire season will have played itself out then and we have to award the BCS title.

Or do we need a playoff seeding bracket on the top eight teams to let y'all vote?

This has been so much fun.  

James C. writes:

"Because the lead writer at OKTC seems to be on the hot seat from many fan bases, I can only see the answer being to let him go. So due to popular demand, how would you go about firing yourself?"

I'm going to call a press conference one day and fire myself.

I'm going to begin the press conference as Clay Travis, owner of Outkick the Coverage. I will wear a jacket and a tie and unceremoniously fire Clay Travis the writer. I will then take questions about why it was necessary to take this action. 

Then I'm going to take my jacket and tie off, strip down to a t-shirt, shorts -- hopefully without exposing my balls in the process -- and flip-flops and answer questions as Clay Travis, the recently fired Outkick the Coverage writer. I will lambast Clay Travis the owner. 

The entire thing will be spectacular theater. 

David K. writes:

"My little brother is getting married this Saturday at 5pm. While I am thankful the wedding is on a day when the games are pretty weak, it'll be the first UT game I haven't watched in years.  Because of wedding pictures, I have to be at the church by 3 pm, which means I will miss almost the entire UT-UF game. Do I skip watching the game and keep up with the score on my phone since it will most likely be a blowout or do I DVR the game and hope no one tells me the score for the entire time I'm at the wedding?

Also, would it be appropriate to express my hatred for the wedding events at the rehearsal dinner tonight?"

It's almost impossible to avoid a game score at big events like these. 

If Tennessee pulled off a massive upset and won, someone would take the mic and scream about it at the wedding at some point. If the Vols lose then you'd still find out the result as well. 

So I'd just follow along on your phone.

Honestly, it could be a blessing in disguise for you that you don't have to watch Florida destroy the Vols again this year.

But the wedding being scheduled on the same day as UT and Florida should certainly be mentioned at the rehearsal dinner toast.

If this was the last 1990's you'd be entirely justified in kidnapping your brother Hangover style in order to watch the game.  

1. Hot girls in sundresses  

2. Hot girls in sundresses

3. Hot girls in sundresses  

In all honesty, if you go out in Nashville for a weekend, you will never want to leave.

Welcome to the South.